Clouds and Dirt

Day 7

Made it 1 week! Feeling optimistic about things right now. Been in a really good headspace the last few days.
Haven't really felt any powerful urges yet which is surprising. Having a much easier time this time than my last attempt, I wonder what I'm doing differently..?

-Clouds&Dirt
Clouds - Big dreams
Dirt - Hard work
 
Day 8

Another day down. Excited to get to double digit days. In the past, days 10-14 have been the most difficult for me, so I'm definitely keeping my guard up as I get closer. I'll admit, I find my thoughts wandering to triggering things more often, but I've been very good on policing my thoughts and not letting myself fantasize to sexual things.

Also, I've been keeping a small (sticky-note size) calendar and marking the days of successful reboot on it. I taped this to my monitor and have been filling it out as I complete more days. I'm hoping this can act as extra "emotional defense" in case I find myself on the edge of relapsing. I hope looking at the calendar and being reminded of all my progress will help me overcome the temptation in that moment, if it comes. Obviously I'll do everything I can to not let myself get to that point, but... just being cautious.

-Clouds&Dirt
Clouds - Big dreams
Dirt - Hard work
 
Day 9

Proud of myself for another day. I have officially started to feel stronger urges now. I've been super careful though, not spending too much time on my phone, keeping busy with projects, working out, and applying/interviewing for jobs. Been feeling really optimistic and really looking forward to the future a few months from now.

-Clouds&Dirt
Clouds - Big dreams
Dirt - Hard work
 
Day 10

Double digits baby! Glad to make it past 10 days with no issues, haven't even peeked or cheated in any way.

I'm definitely feeling urges though. I felt extremely lazy today, like all I wanted to do was lay in bed. But I was also very energetic, like I wanted to lay in bed, but be on my phone and play a game or watch a movie. See where this leads? Once I realized what I was subconsciously trying to do, I got up and went to the gym lol. I'm on high alert for self-traps like that one.

I've also had a couple thoughts of "hmm, maybe I should see if the porn blocker works if I type in XYZ a certain way" but I made sure not to fall for that like I did when I relapsed 10 days ago. Instead of "testing to see if it works," I just blocked it right away. No need to see if it would've worked or not, just block it lol.

So far though, this has been going very smoothly, I'm doing an excellent job of policing myself.

-Clouds&Dirt
Clouds - Big dreams
Dirt - Hard work
 

Trisquel

Active Member
Day 10

Double digits baby! Glad to make it past 10 days with no issues, haven't even peeked or cheated in any way.

I'm definitely feeling urges though. I felt extremely lazy today, like all I wanted to do was lay in bed. But I was also very energetic, like I wanted to lay in bed, but be on my phone and play a game or watch a movie. See where this leads? Once I realized what I was subconsciously trying to do, I got up and went to the gym lol. I'm on high alert for self-traps like that one.

I've also had a couple thoughts of "hmm, maybe I should see if the porn blocker works if I type in XYZ a certain way" but I made sure not to fall for that like I did when I relapsed 10 days ago. Instead of "testing to see if it works," I just blocked it right away. No need to see if it would've worked or not, just block it lol.

So far though, this has been going very smoothly, I'm doing an excellent job of policing myself.

-Clouds&Dirt
Clouds - Big dreams
Dirt - Hard work
Congrats!

I know that feeling lol, when you are tired and wanting to sleep but also you want the dopamine rush of scrolling youtube/social media/P or whatever. I find it very difficult to get out of there, so congratulations on doing what you did, that´s great.

I also have expereicne with those tricky thought that are in the end traps that your brain sets to yourself, good job ignoring them!
 
Urges are at full strength right now. Every train of thought I have somehow turns sexual. Came here to get some more strength by reading success stories. Might go take a walk or something. These are the urges that have lead to relapse in the past, so I'm taking every precaution now that they're here again
 
Congrats!

I know that feeling lol, when you are tired and wanting to sleep but also you want the dopamine rush of scrolling youtube/social media/P or whatever. I find it very difficult to get out of there, so congratulations on doing what you did, that´s great.

I also have expereicne with those tricky thought that are in the end traps that your brain sets to yourself, good job ignoring them!
Yeah it's tough but I'm doing my best, thanks!
 
Day 11

Tough day today. I didn't peek or anything, but I definitely had to resists some strong urges. Ended up going for a walk and it helped a ton. It basically cleared my mind and I was good for the rest of the day. I suspect that these urges won't last long, just like a week or so. I've read that the first 1-3 weeks are the hardest days during a reboot, so I just need to keep going and it'll get easier.

Onward

-Clouds&Dirt
Clouds - Big dreams
Dirt - Hard work
 
Day 12

Relapsed.

Just gonna use this entry to vent real quick and then get back on the horse.

Fuck!!!! This may be the hardest thing I've ever tried to do. I relapsed bad. It wasn't like "oh I relapsed, but just to pictures" no I went to the shameful stuff (after bulldozing through my blockers) and I was edging to it for a long time. So much shame. My eyes get watery when I think about it
 

Androg

Administrator
Admin
Moderator
Day 12

Relapsed.

Just gonna use this entry to vent real quick and then get back on the horse.

Fuck!!!! This may be the hardest thing I've ever tried to do. I relapsed bad. It wasn't like "oh I relapsed, but just to pictures" no I went to the shameful stuff (after bulldozing through my blockers) and I was edging to it for a long time. So much shame. My eyes get watery when I think about it
Nothing to feel shame about, but what can you do differently next time you have an urge?
 
I'm being pretty harsh on myself in my last post, but it's how I feel, and I think I should "document" the feeling so I can use it as motivational fuel later. I'm generally an optimist so I'm really trying to somehow see this in a positive light.

I'm going to change how I've been tracking my progress. Instead of counting days individually, I'm going to do it like how I see someone else doing it in their journal "A fresh start for a mountain goat." He tracks days like this:

▇ ▇ ▇ <-- I am here

This is a better way of tracking progress IMO because it helps to not get hung up on how long the streak is ( or was) and instead focuses on the bigger picture, which is less porn consumption over time. If I look at my porn habits from this perspective, I can be a lot kinder to myself and see that overall I'm making progress. Lots of green days.

Gonna try this for a while and no longer count days. I've read that it can actually be counter-productive to count days and refer to progress as "streaks." Counting days implies that the counter will be reset eventually. I used to bite my nails pretty badly when I younger, to the point where they would bleed. At some point though, I stopped. I don't count the days since I've bitten my nails, I'm not on a "streak," it's just something that I no longer do. I want to approach quitting porn in the same way.

I'm also going to read Your Brain on Porn. Seems a lot of people who successfully rebooted have read it
 
Nothing to feel shame about, but what can you do differently next time you have an urge?
Thanks, yeah I'm trying not to get hung up on it and keep moving forward. I stumbled in a marathon, no big deal.

As far as changes, I'm going to re-enforce my blockers yet again so I can't bulldoze through them, but at this point I'm aware that blockers are support, not solution.

The most significant change is that I plan to change my environment. I graduated recently and I'm living at home with parents right now while I apply for jobs. My computer setup is in my room. I'm going to find somewhere in the house where I can move my setup so that I can't be on the computer alone in my room. If I want to use my computer, it'll be in the living room or something like that.
 
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14 Days!

Haven't written anything in a while but still have been lurking around the forum. I've been completely PMO free for 14 days now. Trying to not really count days, but 2 weeks is kind of a nice milestone.

Moving my computer out of my room has actually been a huge help. I find myself getting urges noticably less frequently, and I think it's because the "trigger" of my computer being there when I'm lying in my bed is gone.

I've also been reading Your Brain on Porn and have gotten some motivation by reading some "scary" stuff in there. It mentions there was a small study done on 3 guys with sexual dysfunctions. Quitting porn fixed 2 out of 3 of the guys. The third guy wasn't fixed because... he was unable to stop watching porn.
Theres another one that goes something like this: A study was done on 35 guys with sexual dysfunctions, and they were basically told to stop watching porn. In 19(!) of the guys, their problems regressed. 3 of the guys saw improvements, though at a slower pace than the 19. What happened to the other 13? Well... they were unable to stop watching porn.

This really opened my eyes to the reality that I could end up being one of those guys who can't stop watching, and therefore never will reap the benefits of quitting porn. Scary stuff.

I also think I may be experiencing a flatline? Idk, but when I wake up I have no morning wood and my meat has been feeling "lazy." It makes me want to M just to make sure everything is alright down there, but I've read enough stories to know that's a TERRIBLE idea. I think this means I'm healing, which is awesome!

Anyways, I've been doing really well in other areas of my life. Been breaking some of my own records in the gym, making progress on a business I'm starting soon, and finally landed a job after 2 months of applying/interviewing.

Onward

-Clouds&Dirt
Clouds - Big dreams
Dirt - Hard work
 

chap

Active Member
I'm being pretty harsh on myself in my last post, but it's how I feel, and I think I should "document" the feeling so I can use it as motivational fuel later. I'm generally an optimist so I'm really trying to somehow see this in a positive light.

I'm going to change how I've been tracking my progress. Instead of counting days individually, I'm going to do it like how I see someone else doing it in their journal "A fresh start for a mountain goat." He tracks days like this:

▇ ▇ ▇ <-- I am here

This is a better way of tracking progress IMO because it helps to not get hung up on how long the streak is ( or was) and instead focuses on the bigger picture, which is less porn consumption over time. If I look at my porn habits from this perspective, I can be a lot kinder to myself and see that overall I'm making progress. Lots of green days.

Gonna try this for a while and no longer count days. I've read that it can actually be counter-productive to count days and refer to progress as "streaks." Counting days implies that the counter will be reset eventually. I used to bite my nails pretty badly when I younger, to the point where they would bleed. At some point though, I stopped. I don't count the days since I've bitten my nails, I'm not on a "streak," it's just something that I no longer do. I want to approach quitting porn in the same way.

I'm also going to read Your Brain on Porn. Seems a lot of people who successfully rebooted have read it
this was really insightful. when i first started, i had counted daily and noticed how stressed i was about counting the days. now i use a countdown app that counts the days for me and i check it from time to time and submit an entry when i feel like it.
 

chap

Active Member
Thanks, yeah I'm trying not to get hung up on it and keep moving forward. I stumbled in a marathon, no big deal.

As far as changes, I'm going to re-enforce my blockers yet again so I can't bulldoze through them, but at this point I'm aware that blockers are support, not solution.

The most significant change is that I plan to change my environment. I graduated recently and I'm living at home with parents right now while I apply for jobs. My computer setup is in my room. I'm going to find somewhere in the house where I can move my setup so that I can't be on the computer alone in my room. If I want to use my computer, it'll be in the living room or something like that.
yes! great snapback @Clouds&Dirt ! change in environment plays a major role in our reboot. reminds me of point of performance, a conceptual term known within the ADHD community. i often think folks struggling with addiction struggle with forms very similar to ADHD, if not ADHD straight up; since our EF systems are messed up (front part of the brain that controls our inhibition is weakened.)

barkley and other psychologists have stated that changing your point of performance is to actively alter the environment you’re in to successfully engage in and complete tasks. we know that we shouldn’t look at our computer (but that is internal information that we oftentimes may have trouble externalizing), so moving your computer or placing signs around your computer may help you to stay on task, aka not engage in pmo.

idk if that makes sense, but when i read your entry, it reminded me of that. i think what you plan to do is great! keep up the hard work and congrats to 14 days. i’ll be there soon too!

p is not an option. that stuff doesn’t exist in our world. we got other things to do.
 
Haven't written in a while. I'm trying something "new" for the next month or so. Gonna try and write in this journal everyday. Not counting days though, just forcing myself to come here every day and write something, anything. This is really just to force myself to come here every day. Anyway, that's all, nothing special.

-Clouds&Dirt
 
Almost forgot to write today. I remembered as I was falling asleep. Don't really have anything insightful to say, just doing my daily check in.

I've found that when I go long periods without thinking about rebooting, it's like my defenses are down when the inevitable addict urges strike. Checking in daily just makes sure that I don't let my guard down.

-Clouds&Dirt
 
Checking in again.
I've been experiencing something interesting these past few days. I've been taking a "tolerance break" from consuming marijuana this past month. Haven't used in all of March.

The past few days, I've been experiencing "cravings" for it... But I can tell they're not full-blown addict cravings. The cravings I experience for porn are dramatically stronger. Anyway, they're pretty easy to deny because they aren't very strong. It's almost like I'm practicing denying my cravings on something small (weed) so that I'll be stronger when the BIG cravings arrive later (porn). Does that make sense? Idk, just an interesting observation I suppose.

-Clouds&Dirt
 
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