Day 1 and 2
Yesterday was day one off really giving nofap/nopmo another go. I’ve had streaks in the past, however I would be on my phone all day or binge watch YouTube and tv and eat junk food, and then wonder how I relapsed. I feel really stupid but it’s only just clicked how everything is linked. I’m so addicted that’ll I’ll get triggered by anyone good looking on tv, even adverts, then that will lead me to Google images or insta accounts and then few hours later back to looking up P, but I don’t even realise these innocent adverts or tv programmes are causing a trigger, and the junk food doesn’t help too. So yesterday I went for a run, worked out, drank loads of water watched hardly any tv, deleted all my social media accounts and went to bed at 10pm and left my phone in another room. I’ve gone through one of my worst ever ( and that’s saying a lot) P binges recently, I’m talking 10/12 days a every day for about 3 weeks, and binging tv and internet inbetween and living only on takeaways and junk food. And it’s fucked my sleep pattern, staying up until 5am some nights and waking up at 2pm next day. I really feel disgusted by this. So made the decision to force myself back into a normal sleep pattern. Easier said then done. I felt like a drug addict last night which in a way I am, I was wriggling everywhere couldn’t stop moving I felt like my skin was crawling. My mind was racing and trying to find ways to convince me to bring my phone back to my room to look at YouTube or other stuff , telling me it will help me sleep. I thought of the urges, but was so fucking tough, I think I fell asleep around 12:30 am which is good for me, earliest night sleep in months and months.
Woke up at 6:30 am and was so shocked but so pleased I’d done it. Felt like I’ve finally done something positive with my time. Although had a bit of headache, guess it’s a withdrawal thing. Sat in bed hardly on my phone, other than to come on here and read threads , had a coffee and vaped, and felt good. Got out of bed half 7 and drove down the beach for a run. And planned to do a whole day of studying for my exams, which I have done practically no studying for. However I came back to my car and it wouldn’t start. I can’t call breakdown as my MOT is overdue so technically driving illegally. But this is how scattered my brain is, I put everything off and avoid things, I get anxiety about even taking my car to a garage. I do have a battery pack jump starter so don’t even need another car to jump start it, but I stupidly left the power on, so it’s drained. As I sat in my car I started feeling triggered and stressed. But I quickly noticed it and calmed myself down, which is something I can’t normally do. I walked home, cracked on with studying I did about 8 hours. Then walked back to the car this evening, picked up the battery pack and walked back home and charged it. I’ll go back down tomorrow evening after uni and jump start it. It’s not ideal but telling myself to not get worked up or upset, because as soon as I get upset I want my security blanket back and to burry all my problems and anxiety with P, fapping and pmoing.
although today has been ok, found myself thinking about P a few times but quickly tried to think of other things instead. I had a thought today of just how disgusting my behaviour has been and thought in way I’m like Gollum in lord of the rings, which is true , he’s this dirty troll that is obsessed with a ring and spends all his time alone in a cave, but my case it’s P and in my bedroom. Kinda made me laugh though and reflect on how dirty my habits are. I’m trying to not wallow in self pity this time round in my reboot which is something I’ve done in every other reboot and think it definitely added to the relapses. Got my exam in two days, super nervous, pretty sure gonna fail as been too addicted to porn this semester to learn anything and attention span and memory is zero. But it’s weird I’m not actually too upset, like if I fail I’m gonna try use it as a learning curve and a reason why I can’t fail another reboot as it’ll fuck up univeristy for me and make my life worse.
Moving forward goals this week is to:
Reach day7 nofap/nopmo
Get into healthy sleep pattern
Go for regular runs
Cut down on tv and phone time
Not watch any triggering tv, try watch documentaries
And take my car to the garage (really fucking stupid but probably my biggest step this week)
Focus on attention span and studying
going to try to post something everyday, like a journal for first few weeks. Think it helps to get my thoughts out of my head and prevent relapse.
now gonna try another early night sleep and hopefully not feel like a drug addict again.