I am not a good person.
I have done things that are irredeemable.
I have destroyed a life, one that I thought I cared about more than my own.
It's been 8 days since P. Around 20 since MO - to be honest I'm not sure.
D day was the day before her Birthday.
I made excuses, I lied, I gaslit, like I have done every time I was caught for the past 16 years. She saw through me; she's always been able to see through me. The lying is more damaging, and for the past week we've both looked back at our lives together and wondered about the broken parts, and tried to see the good, but everything is tainted. I've literally been ignoring her, moving away emotionally, for at least two-three years.
Yesterday was a good day. We did things together, laughed, had fun, hugged, lay there looking into eachother's eyes. I am determined to make more of those.
So this is my first journal here.
Like most, I was exposed as a teen, and P has been part of my life since then, and the internet only dialled everything up to 11. I'm 43, I have a loving partner who's never lied to me, my best friend. We have two kids. My job is stable. My brain is not.
Because of P, I've lied and hurt the person I loved the most - the hurt is forever. When I was younger I did go into illegal P, and ten years ago there was a visit from Child Protective Services. Even that wasn't enough of a wakeup call. I continued, I used it as a crutch and the only way I could deal with stress and shame and anxiety and poor self-image, and all it's done has make things worse.
This isn't meant to be a pity party. Just telling my story as part of recovery. How long will recovery take? How long before I can think about sex with my partner and not have this 'thing' looming over me? How long before she can look at me and know that there's no-one else - fantasy or memory - sharing our bed? I blasted music in my ears while doing the lawns yesterday and wished I was happy enough to dance to it - I don't know that I've ever been happy or carefree enough to dance.
There's accountability software on every device I regularly have access to. I've got counselling lined up for the 27th - it's still 17 days away - I hope it addresses the physical block I have with telling the truth. I've started lifestyle changes. I'm thinking of her and putting in the effort that should have always been there. We're being open about where we are, what we're feeling, maybe for the first time ever.
I don't know if half our questions have answers, because this situation is new. Being honest and going hardcore no PMO is new (there was an attempt some years ago, but only no P). I know it's about redefining sex and the pleasure receptors and rewiring my brain, but what about hers? I'm going full abstinence, but where does that leave her? This could be months, and that's months of what feels like more punishment for my partner, and a focus on me and my mental health, when her recovery is just as important.
I have done things that are irredeemable.
I have destroyed a life, one that I thought I cared about more than my own.
It's been 8 days since P. Around 20 since MO - to be honest I'm not sure.
D day was the day before her Birthday.
I made excuses, I lied, I gaslit, like I have done every time I was caught for the past 16 years. She saw through me; she's always been able to see through me. The lying is more damaging, and for the past week we've both looked back at our lives together and wondered about the broken parts, and tried to see the good, but everything is tainted. I've literally been ignoring her, moving away emotionally, for at least two-three years.
Yesterday was a good day. We did things together, laughed, had fun, hugged, lay there looking into eachother's eyes. I am determined to make more of those.
So this is my first journal here.
Like most, I was exposed as a teen, and P has been part of my life since then, and the internet only dialled everything up to 11. I'm 43, I have a loving partner who's never lied to me, my best friend. We have two kids. My job is stable. My brain is not.
Because of P, I've lied and hurt the person I loved the most - the hurt is forever. When I was younger I did go into illegal P, and ten years ago there was a visit from Child Protective Services. Even that wasn't enough of a wakeup call. I continued, I used it as a crutch and the only way I could deal with stress and shame and anxiety and poor self-image, and all it's done has make things worse.
This isn't meant to be a pity party. Just telling my story as part of recovery. How long will recovery take? How long before I can think about sex with my partner and not have this 'thing' looming over me? How long before she can look at me and know that there's no-one else - fantasy or memory - sharing our bed? I blasted music in my ears while doing the lawns yesterday and wished I was happy enough to dance to it - I don't know that I've ever been happy or carefree enough to dance.
There's accountability software on every device I regularly have access to. I've got counselling lined up for the 27th - it's still 17 days away - I hope it addresses the physical block I have with telling the truth. I've started lifestyle changes. I'm thinking of her and putting in the effort that should have always been there. We're being open about where we are, what we're feeling, maybe for the first time ever.
I don't know if half our questions have answers, because this situation is new. Being honest and going hardcore no PMO is new (there was an attempt some years ago, but only no P). I know it's about redefining sex and the pleasure receptors and rewiring my brain, but what about hers? I'm going full abstinence, but where does that leave her? This could be months, and that's months of what feels like more punishment for my partner, and a focus on me and my mental health, when her recovery is just as important.
