Back again to go all the way

[the_badger]

DAY 07
on my journey to being true to myself and unlocking my potential

Here I go again... I've been here before (under the name ddmmyyyy with my journal called "rise and shine"). I started that in 2018. Wow. Almost 5 years ago. I achieved some decent streaks over the years and even completed a 90 day stretch. That was when I made myself the promise, that I will not have to switch to the "40 and up" section on here. That didn't go so well in the end.
But considering that I felt more like a 70 year old than a 30-something for the past year (for reasons I will explain in more depth in the upcoming days and weeks), I do feel at home here now.

Anyways, since I don't remember the mail address I used for my old account and it also feels like a new chapter of life I decided to start a new journal.

Back to Square One
I would not say, that I am on my lowest point at the moment or at rock bottom. But the past year has been the worst of my life so far. I totally lost my way and my purpose in life. Mentally and physically I feel like an old man, not capable to deal with the stuff a 40 year old has to deal with day by day. The relationship with my girlfriend of four years came to an end a few weeks ago. My job is mostly a burden and won't make me happy in the long run, but right now I do not have the energy to look for a different one. As bad as that sounds (and is), I am quite optimistic that 2023 things will take a turn for the better. Staying away from porn will be one of the most important things on that journey. I never saw porn as my biggest problem during the last 2 years or more. Because I drastically reduced my use already anyway and there were plenty of other things to worry about. But I am sure if I had stayed away from it after my 90 day achievement, I could have dealt with my problems and obstacles in a better way.
I will try to check in daily, to keep my mind focused. Also I want to reflect on my past, so I can hopefully learn my lesson and stop making the same mistakes over and over again.

See you tomorrow!

 

[the_badger]

DAY 08
on my journey to being true to myself and unlocking my potential

Today was not a good day. Work was mostly ok, but I struggled in the afternoon with my energy. In the evening I just collapsed on the couch for a while and managed to do some necessary things later. But I felt more and more depressed the later it got. No energy for reflection today, will just focus on staying away from porn and fantasy. Especially tomorrow morning. After waking up and while snoozing in bed is a weak spot for fantasizing.

See you tomorrow, hopefully in better shape!

 

[the_badger]

DAY 09
on my journey to being true to myself and unlocking my potential

Today was much better! More energy than yesterday, positive outlook and I actively initiated to meet a friend for two beer in the evening. This is one of the important things for me generally but especially now during the reboot and after breaking up with my girlfriend: I tend to isolate myself and just focus on what I have to do to improve my situation. Then I procrastinate, sitting at home alone and don't even have time to meet friends, because I am running out of time to clear my schedule.

How to move forward from here
I've had some good streaks in the past (60 days, 90 days...), but 2022 was pretty much a disaster. Not sure if I made it past 10 days one. Mostly relapsing after 3 to 4 days. To be honest, I didn't even put much effort in it. My 40+ day streaks have all been in spring or summer. Never managed to get anywhere in autumn and winter. So I am prepared, that it will be hard. And I want to try to go hard mode for at least 2 months. Might change my mind on that, if the urges get way too intense. (In the past it got to the point, where I started to think about sex, girls, porn 24/7 and it was a relief to MO so I could focus on something else again. But if I have to, I need to MO without any fantasy. Just as little stimulation as needed and then deal with the massive chaser effect for the next two days.)

Why do I want to stay away from porn
Because it's an addiction that brings out the worst in me. In the light of porn I am a shadow of myself. I don't want to space out anymore. I don't want to run away anymore. I don't want to hide anymore. I want to feel joy, anger, love, pain, happiness, despair, hope and excitement. I want to get from "I can't take any more - I just need to rest and sleep" back to "whatever life will throw at me, I will deal with it!". I had that before and I know I can get there again. I want to find joy in my work again. I want to actively shape and develop my career instead of waiting for every day at work to just end and hoping it goes by with few challenges. I don't want to be a helpless passenger anymore. I want my dick to get in better shape. I want to find my way again and stand up for myself if I'm done wrong.

What are my triggers
Stress (often through procrastinating), boredom and low self esteem (often through stress through procrastinating). And once I am in the relapse circle basically every problem that comes my way. The road to porn usually starts with the junction to social media. There are a few specific girls on instagram, that I either had an affair with or I just matched on tinder years ago. I still check out (stalk) there Instagram from time to time when i crave dopamine. Then I start to fantasize. Then I MO or directly go to reddit/porn. Also the morning after waking up is a dangerous time for fantasizing.

What's my strategy
1. Meditation.
I've tried meditation before, but I did never stick to it for a prolonged time. This time it feels different. I started 3 weeks ago - straight after the breakup - and practiced every day. I started with 10 minutes guided meditation each day. A week ago I moved to 10 minutes in the morning and half an hour in the evening. Besides I am reading a book on meditation. In the past, I only tried to increase my willpower to stay away from porn. But beyond that I was not interested in the practice of meditation. I am discovering now how much more there is to it. It is truly a powerful way to appreciate life itself and to "find yourself". To be more present at any moment. To just live and feel life and not think and worry about anything else permanently. Be it things in the future or porn or whatever. I am just at the beginning, but I think this can be life changing. We all agree, that we need to work out to keep our body in good shape. But we tend to forget the mind, which is tormented permanently by (social) media and most of our surroundings these days.

2. Reduce screen time and social media
Like most people I am way too much in front of the screen. And I started using my phone more and more over the past year to distract myself from everything that was going on. I totally lost control sometimes. I will be more mindful on when I need to turn on the computer and for what. I also just ordered an old school alarm clock for the bedroom, so I can leave my phone in the living room at night. (In the last months I usually kept surfing the internet for meaningless bullshit for an hour or more after going to bed. Each time promising myself to not do it again.)

3. Socialize in real life
As I wrote before, that's something I need to be more active and keep in mind. I used to be to passive with that and just wen't along with my friends when they asked to go out. Otherwise it will happen again and again, that I have weeks without meaningful real life contact to people I like and care about. That leads to depressive feelings. That leads to...

4. Sports
I have been very limited in what I was able to do in the past year. But I am optimistic that my physical condition will improve. It already has a bit. And I started to increase my workout routine a little bit. As much as possible for now. But I hope I will be able to join some "fun team sports" with my friends again this year.

5. Stop snoozing
Snoozing is bad anyway and has no advantage at all. But since I tend to start fantasizing in the morning in bed - I often had sex with my ex after waking up - I need to get over this habit and get out of bed right away.

That's it for today. Good night and good luck everyone.
See you tomorrow!

 

[the_badger]

"Working" from home office today (not much accomplished up to now) and having massive urges for the last 2 hours. Didn't check out any porn, but my mind starts fantasizing again and again and I have a hard time snapping out of it. Have been close to just give in and MO, but managed to avoid it for now. It's been 10 days without O. I rarely go that long, so I am not surprised by the urges. Gonna do a 10min meditation now. In about an hour I have to leave my flat anyway to get to an appointment. Hopefully the eveneing afterwords will be easier.

 

[the_badger]

DAY 10
on my journey to being true to myself and unlocking my potential

It didn't get any easier in the evening. Cravings for dopamine (through fantasy, not through porn) came over and over in waves. I was in the ropes, but I did not go down.
A better day tomorrow would be appreciated.
I will have intense workdays ahead. Including the weekend. Let's see how that goes.

See you tomorrow!

 

[Beautiful1973]

Besides I am reading a book on meditation.

Welcome back @the_badger what’s the book you are reading?

 

[the_badger]

Thank you! I am reading "Wherever you go, there you are" by Jon Kabat Zinn. A very simple written book, that sometimes seems trivial at first. But it's just boiled down to the simplest truth. The title itself is just so on point. For everyone, but particularly for addicts.
(Andrew Huberman referenced it in his podcast, which is also a great resource of knowledge!)
Are you practicing meditation? Would be thankful for recommendations!

 

[the_badger]

DAY 11
on my journey to being true to myself and unlocking my potential

First half of the day was ok. With moderate mood and energy. Second half was tough again. Zero energy and low mood. I don't even know if feeling so depressed is from dopamin withdrawal or because of the breakup. But I'll hang in there hoping for better days ahead.

See you tomorrow.

 

[Beautiful1973]

Are you practicing meditation? Would be thankful for recommendations

I’m a Skin Therapist, so have been in the holistic realm for nearly 20 years, but I have always struggled to meditate, I just can’t quieted my mind. Recently I attended a Buddhist guided meditation workshop, which was amazing and I was able to get into a meditative state for the first time. Since, I have been trying to find a nice guided meditation on Spotify but can’t find one I like, I actually have more success quieted my mind with the affirmation tracks. I did download a free Ebook if you’re interested in me posting the link.
Thanks for the book recommendation I’ll be sure to look it up.
Good luck on your new journey

 

[TakeActionNow]

@Beautiful1973 @the_badger

https://youtube.com/@BuddhistSocietyWA

I've always found Ajahn Brahm to be both very amusing and easy to follow. He and his team lead very good guided meditation sessions.

 

[the_badger]

I’m a Skin Therapist, so have been in the holistic realm for nearly 20 years, but I have always struggled to meditate, I just can’t quieted my mind. Recently I attended a Buddhist guided meditation workshop, which was amazing and I was able to get into a meditative state for the first time. Since, I have been trying to find a nice guided meditation on Spotify but can’t find one I like, I actually have more success quieted my mind with the affirmation tracks. I did download a free Ebook if you’re interested in me posting the link.
Thanks for the book recommendation I’ll be sure to look it up.
Good luck on your new journey

Thank you! And yes, I would definitely be interested in the Ebook!
To be honest, I don't think too much (anymore) about if I am in a meditative state or not. All I know is, that it calms my mind and helps me being more in the present and worry less about the future. But I do have days and weeks when it seems impossible and it doesn't feel quite like mediation, because there are so many thought. But overall it still feels better to do it anyway.
I struggled as well to find guided meditation that I like and with a voice I can relax to. Right now I meditate to Sam Harris, but the waking up app is quite expensive. So I will keep looking for other options.

 

[the_badger]

@Beautiful1973 @the_badger

https://youtube.com/@BuddhistSocietyWA

I've always found Ajahn Brahm to be both very amusing and easy to follow. He and his team lead very good guided meditation sessions.

Thank you @TakeActionNow, amusing soudns good and interesting! I will definitely check that out soon!

 

[the_badger]

DAY 12
on my journey to being true to myself and unlocking my potential

Today was a mediocre day. Mostly ok with a few bad hours. Overall I feel worse than expected. Because usually during the first two weeks of a serious reboot attempt I feel mostly motivated and optimistic. This time my mood went down after e week already and has been very low since then.
There might be several possible reasons for this:
- It's winter. I struggle a bit with missing sunlight. (And never even had a meaningful streak in winter.)
- For the first time I really attempt to go hard mode and I try to be strict with fantasy.
- The recent breakup of course. At first I felt mostly relieved and felt positive energy for a new (better) chapter of my life. But now, without the usual dopamine fix I feel extremely lonely and miss my ex. (Even though I would not want to get back together with her.)

 

[Nico]

One trick in meditation I picked up (Mindfulness, Bliss and Beyond book) was to look for the subtle pleasurable sensations in the body, the breath, and in the spaces between thoughts. What you focus on grows, so it can become more enjoyable (a bit like gratitude in life!) For me its all about the spaciousness, there is a lama who said (paraphrasing a bit) that when the mind is the size of the brain thoughts fill it and seem powerful, but when the mind is boundless, thoughts are like tiny gusts of wind in infinite space..and no longer have any power over you. I used to imagine consciousness expanding and opening, which helped. There is an amazing audiobook called Our Pristine Mind which I love.

 

[TakeActionNow]

Remember that meditation is like a muscle. The more you do, the better you get at it.
So frequency is vital. No one gets good at it with only a few sessions.

Secondly , ideally do it shortly after waking, be it morning or after a nap. This is when the brain is most rested and with least noise or disturbances. This is when you get best results with least effort.

There are many forms, but I feel breath meditation is the best and easiest.
Just. Focus. On. The. Breath.
Discard everything else.

 

[TakeActionNow]

Meditation

3 steps to prepare

1. Stretch
Nothing spoils a session more than weak or tight limbs. Do some stretches just like you would before gym or a run. Loosen the body.

2. motivate
Tell yourself what you are doing this for and the time you will commit to for that session. The brain will commit itself.

3. Check
Sit down and get into position. Move your inner eye slowly from toe to head, looking for sore spots and adjusting until your satisfied. This reassures the mind and reduces body discomfort.


3 steps to meditate

1. Observe the breath
Deep shallow
Hot cold
Long short
Light heavy
Etc

2. Announce the distractions and return to breath
Thoughts thoughts thoughts
Sound sound sound
Itch itch itch
Pain pain pain

3.
Keep back straight
Keep head up
When head drops, imagine a string pulling head up at the top of the head.


3 steps to end session

1. Open eyes gently and rub face
2. Give thanks and appreciation for the session
3. Give time to gently release limbs and restore blood flow.

 

[Beautiful1973]

@the_badger thanks for your response and @Nico and @TakeActionNow comments on meditation. Here’s the link to the free ebook, hope you enjoy it.

How to Transform Your Life – FREE eBook Download

 

[the_badger]

For me its all about the spaciousness, there is a lama who said (paraphrasing a bit) that when the mind is the size of the brain thoughts fill it and seem powerful, but when the mind is boundless, thoughts are like tiny gusts of wind in infinite space..and no longer have any power over you.

This feels so true! Despite only beginning, I can sense this already and am curious for more! (The guided meditations on "Waking Up" also focus a lot on a broad expanded mind.

@TakeActionNow Thanks for all the input! At the moment I am loaded with work and are doing my meditations the familiar way. But I'll try and implement that soon!

 

[the_badger]

DAY 13
on my journey to being true to myself and unlocking my potential

not much to report today. Worked all day with a client by my side. In the evening some time to relax, do my meditation and watch the end of an NFL game. Now I'll head to bed. Another intense work day ahead tomorrow. Urges are manageable.

 

[the_badger]

DAY 15
on my journey to being true to myself and unlocking my potential

Just checking in to not miss two days in a row. The reboot is going well. Not many urges these days. But the mood keeps staying at the lowest of lows. With a feeling of how the future is ever going to get better. I'll hang in there. Hopefully this is just the lack of my dopamine fix. And maybe it's so strong, because I am doing hard mode for the first time and do not indulge in fantasy. Maybe this is the first real reboot I am doing.