Back again to go all the way


DAY 13
Felt a bit better today. Physically and mentally. Met a friend in the evening. Apart from that a quiet Sunday.
Some urges emerged in the afternoon, but controllable and without indulging in fantasy.

Sorry for what you're going through. Sounds like you need a doctor who will work with you long-term.
You're right about that. Have a couple of doctor appointments still coming up. All in all I am quite reluctant at the moment to see more doctors. Because it didn't help at all so far and just takes time and energy (both things I don't have) and costs money. But I will need to keep looking for a good doctor for long term support.


DAY 15
Yesterday was a really really bad day. Symptoms in the evening and intense fatigue were scaring me again. Today on the other hand was so much better, even though I couldn't sleep before 3am. Doesn't make much sense. I just hope that the high number of bad days in the past weeks is due to the reboot and the dopamine withdrawal. Only the future will tell...
With the bad condition yesterday also some strong urges appeared. (And they too disappeared today.)
Three more days to reach my second goal: staying PMO free for March.
Let's stay strong together! 💪


Respected Member
Hey @the_badger, you're looking good. I wouldn't be surprised that the sleep problem is from all of this as you mentioned. I've had that problem several times over the course of this reboot. It's not a joke when we say this shit fucks you up!

Keep strong and keep on pushing through. 👍 👍


Thanks Blondie! I will keep pushing. And you are an inspiration to keep going!
For the sleeping problems, I really think they are mainly covid-induced. Talked to a good friend recently, who suffers from the exact same sleep problem since covid. (Same pattern - tired but strange kind of highly awake brain for hours in bed without contemplating something. And also suddenly waking up at 4am after good sleep and being fully awake. Both things I never had before like this.)
BUT I absolutely believe that the reboot may worsen existing issues for a while and yeah, that this shit really fucks you up. The more so if you are not healthy (anymore). So I do hope that my body gets more resilient and healthier again after a proper reboot.

DAY 16
Had poor sleep again for the second day in a row. But still felt quite good during the day. And the tiredness in the evening was more like regular exhaustion, not the kind of "feeling sick width flu and fewer" exhaustion I have on most evenings.
Thankful for two mostly normal days. Hoping for further improvement.


Sounds really tough. Have you tried a hot bath before bed? Meditation? Listening to an audiobook that tells you a story?


Meditation doesn't seem to help (doing 30min daily - often right before bed time). I don't have a bathtub. But I will give listening to a podcast a chance! (Usually I don't take my phone to the bedroom anymore and I love it! It's way better when the phone is not the first and the last thing you see each day. But I will make an exception to try that.)

DAY 17
Was an ok day again. No urges, no fantasy. Feeling still tired, but the normal kind again and not sick-tired. So everything is ok.


Active Member
keep it going buddy, keeping yourself away from the phone is huge. Honestly, there is a huge part of me that wants to just go back to flip phones, and i had one un until probably 7 years ago. I know it is convenient having a smart phone in your pocket but i think it is causing more harm than good for the world at this point. I'd say we should all just be reading books until we recover and beyond!


Smart phones are a real curse. During the first weeks of a reboot my smartphone use gets way worse. Obviously trying to make up for the missing dopamine from PMO sessions.
I do think back from time to tome to my last holiday without a smartphone. It was over 10 years ago when I went to India for 5 weeks. (Was also the longest vacation of my life.) We planned the trip on the go, making the reservation for the next hotel by phone call without ever having seen a picture of the rooms before. Just picking from the travel guide book what sounded good. Also no news for over a month. Not checking Facebook/Instagram/Whatsapp. Only going to a Internet Cafe two or three times to write an email to family and friends. Even though it's not easy with a job and everything, I should try to do that again.

DAY 20

Reached my second goal: staying clean for the rest of March. Next goal: beat my own hardmode record of 40 days from earlier this year.
Yesterday was a very bad day again. Feeling sick almost the complete day unable to do anything besides lying on the couch, cooking and reading a bit. Also had a really hard time to fight of fantasies. The four days before had been quite ok. Today seems to be better again for now.

Started to read "dopamine nation". Most of it (for now) is not really new for me. But still very interesting. And important to keep oneself focused by reading reboot-related stuff.
Reading this, it gets so clear why it is impossible to maintain a functional relationship (and a good life in general) while being stuck in the PMO cycle (or any other addiction). With my dopamine level constantly being sub-par, at the start of my relationship I got the happiness from being madly in love. When this feeling subsided and my well being dropped again I permanently tried to get back to that feeling of bliss and harmony through my girlfriend. Trying to do everything right and to get validation and love from her to an extent where I completely gave up myself and my own opinion.
Another reason to finally get clean for good. Otherwise I will never be able to have a stable and healthy relationship, stand in for myself and my values and simply be a man...

All the best and have a great porn free sunday. 💪


DAY 21
All ok today. Had two or three hours during the work day when I felt extremely exhausted again and contemplated to leave as being sick. Got better in the afternoon though.
Today would mark 90days had I not relapsed mid february. Thats a bit frustrating and I wonder how I would feel right now had I gone through in hardmode. Anyway. It's up to me to do better this time. It's a long way to go, but I feel like 2023 could be the year I finally kick this shit.


Active Member
but I feel like 2023 could be the year I finally kick this shit.

amen, badger. Its definitely the year for me, as im at 120 days free from pmo for the first time in my life. This is going to be your year too as long as you get disciplined and dont let your guard down. if you still find you are struggling, having a good blocking/accountability software on all your devices is very helpful.


Wow, 120 days is amazing!! Congrats! Can't wait to get there myself. And thanks for the reminder for the porn blocker. I wanted to install k9 two weeks ago but realized its discontinued. You have a recommendation for another good blocker for mac os by any chance?

DAY 22
Was a good day. Quite busy. Far from being full of energy and had a few hours feeling very tired again. But a step in the right direction. Also my sleep seems to improve since sunday. No sexual thoughts today and no urges.


Active Member
You have a recommendation for another good blocker for mac os by any chance?

i pay for Covenant Eyes. what is great about it is you can put it on up to 4 devices, you can block any non porn website such as youtube, social media, hook up sites etc. and it allows you to have an accountability partner receive daily notifications of screenshots and even notify them if you try to uninstall it or visit something explicit. im happy to be your accountability partner if you dont have one. here is a link if you want to try it out for a few weeks for free:


to whoever had me banned for sharing that link, it would be nice if you had contacted me first. i know i talk a lot about the software, but it is because it works and i believe in it. i am actually a real person. also, the OP asked me for a recommendation on blocking software, hence the link.
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Oh man, you really got blocked for that?? Sorry to hear that. And it makes no sense at all. :(
Thank you for the hint - that sounds definetely good. (Although I'll pass for now on a paid option. Considering how bad I am physically and by now also mentally I might need to take a break from work if things dont improve soon. And so I try to limit my expenses to reduce the financial pressure.)

DAY 25
went home for a get to gether with the complete family for two days. Unfortunately it makes me feel even worse for now. Seeing my siblings with there kids and everybody simply having a life and being active for the whole day shows me how far I am from being ok.
Because I just have no life for 1.5 years now. Except for a few better weeks here and there. Apart from that every day just evolves around getting the necessities done, spending as little energy as possible and hoping for long term improvements.

Feeling hopeless at the moment. But I'll stay strong with the reboot. And maybe I can build on that. Step by step.


Yeah it was pretty ridiculous to get blocked for that, obviously someone doesn't like me which I fine. From what ive gathered on this forum, you can be blocked or have your thread closed for pretty much anything, as both have happened to me in the past 2 weeks, first in the partners section under a posting I titled "your partner can have real inimcy again" and secondly for sharing a link with you above. It would be nice to have some recourse instead of just getting shut down as I'm just trying to help guys recover, but if I get blocked for essentially another non-reason, I'll just stay gone, even if it may be a detriment to everyone else.

If you're strapped for cash, there are some free options as well such as K9 and also Remojo that Noah Church recommended.

Seeing my siblings with there kids and everybody simply having a life and being active for the whole day shows me how far I am from being ok.

I understand man, I've felt that same way. Aimless, purposeless, useless. Now, I have a wife and a baby tha is 2 months old today. Going on 5 months no masturbation and I will never go back to pmo again. You can do this man, I never thought I would get clean and if I can do it so can you.

The great part about being a guy is that no matter how old you are you can usually still have a family. Even if you don't, I promise you it's still way better on the otherwise and life is much better


Active Member
Thanks for posting this journal, it gives me hope and encouragement.

I’m 4 days off PMO and I know that I can’t do this alone, and that is hard for me because I can have social anxiety and find it very hard to let people in.

stay strong 👍


Active Member
DAY 09
on my journey to being true to myself and unlocking my potential

Today was much better! More energy than yesterday, positive outlook and I actively initiated to meet a friend for two beer in the evening. This is one of the important things for me generally but especially now during the reboot and after breaking up with my girlfriend: I tend to isolate myself and just focus on what I have to do to improve my situation. Then I procrastinate, sitting at home alone and don't even have time to meet friends, because I am running out of time to clear my schedule.

How to move forward from here
I've had some good streaks in the past (60 days, 90 days...), but 2022 was pretty much a disaster. Not sure if I made it past 10 days one. Mostly relapsing after 3 to 4 days. To be honest, I didn't even put much effort in it. My 40+ day streaks have all been in spring or summer. Never managed to get anywhere in autumn and winter. So I am prepared, that it will be hard. And I want to try to go hard mode for at least 2 months. Might change my mind on that, if the urges get way too intense. (In the past it got to the point, where I started to think about sex, girls, porn 24/7 and it was a relief to MO so I could focus on something else again. But if I have to, I need to MO without any fantasy. Just as little stimulation as needed and then deal with the massive chaser effect for the next two days.)

Why do I want to stay away from porn
Because it's an addiction that brings out the worst in me. In the light of porn I am a shadow of myself. I don't want to space out anymore. I don't want to run away anymore. I don't want to hide anymore. I want to feel joy, anger, love, pain, happiness, despair, hope and excitement. I want to get from "I can't take any more - I just need to rest and sleep" back to "whatever life will throw at me, I will deal with it!". I had that before and I know I can get there again. I want to find joy in my work again. I want to actively shape and develop my career instead of waiting for every day at work to just end and hoping it goes by with few challenges. I don't want to be a helpless passenger anymore. I want my dick to get in better shape. I want to find my way again and stand up for myself if I'm done wrong.

What are my triggers
Stress (often through procrastinating), boredom and low self esteem (often through stress through procrastinating). And once I am in the relapse circle basically every problem that comes my way. The road to porn usually starts with the junction to social media. There are a few specific girls on instagram, that I either had an affair with or I just matched on tinder years ago. I still check out (stalk) there Instagram from time to time when i crave dopamine. Then I start to fantasize. Then I MO or directly go to reddit/porn. Also the morning after waking up is a dangerous time for fantasizing.

What's my strategy
1. Meditation.
I've tried meditation before, but I did never stick to it for a prolonged time. This time it feels different. I started 3 weeks ago - straight after the breakup - and practiced every day. I started with 10 minutes guided meditation each day. A week ago I moved to 10 minutes in the morning and half an hour in the evening. Besides I am reading a book on meditation. In the past, I only tried to increase my willpower to stay away from porn. But beyond that I was not interested in the practice of meditation. I am discovering now how much more there is to it. It is truly a powerful way to appreciate life itself and to "find yourself". To be more present at any moment. To just live and feel life and not think and worry about anything else permanently. Be it things in the future or porn or whatever. I am just at the beginning, but I think this can be life changing. We all agree, that we need to work out to keep our body in good shape. But we tend to forget the mind, which is tormented permanently by (social) media and most of our surroundings these days.

2. Reduce screen time and social media
Like most people I am way too much in front of the screen. And I started using my phone more and more over the past year to distract myself from everything that was going on. I totally lost control sometimes. I will be more mindful on when I need to turn on the computer and for what. I also just ordered an old school alarm clock for the bedroom, so I can leave my phone in the living room at night. (In the last months I usually kept surfing the internet for meaningless bullshit for an hour or more after going to bed. Each time promising myself to not do it again.)

3. Socialize in real life
As I wrote before, that's something I need to be more active and keep in mind. I used to be to passive with that and just wen't along with my friends when they asked to go out. Otherwise it will happen again and again, that I have weeks without meaningful real life contact to people I like and care about. That leads to depressive feelings. That leads to...

4. Sports
I have been very limited in what I was able to do in the past year. But I am optimistic that my physical condition will improve. It already has a bit. And I started to increase my workout routine a little bit. As much as possible for now. But I hope I will be able to join some "fun team sports" with my friends again this year.

5. Stop snoozing
Snoozing is bad anyway and has no advantage at all. But since I tend to start fantasizing in the morning in bed - I often had sex with my ex after waking up - I need to get over this habit and get out of bed right away.

That's it for today. Good night and good luck everyone.
See you tomorrow!
Yeah the morning is my danger zone. I need to get out of bed relatively quickly or I’ll just lay there with a movie going on in my head than go for it.
Thanks for sharing your tactics 👍


Thanks nick and Qwerty!

I’m 4 days off PMO and I know that I can’t do this alone, and that is hard for me because I can have social anxiety and find it very hard to let people in.
The good thing is: your anxiety will most probably improve a lot when you manage stay away from PMO! Most, if not all people report hugh improvements in that area. I wouldn't say that I have social anxiety myself. But there's still a huge difference for me between using porn and not using porn (and not fantasizing and masturbating compulsively). When I use porn to calm myself I tend to stop socializing, I shy away from discussions and disagreements and I get extremely insecure about myself.
If you did not do meditation in the past I'd really encourage you to give it a try! Might take you some time to really stick with it, as it is of course challenging to keep doing it on a daily basis, just like with any other new habit. But there are a lot of benefits. It will improve your willpower (by strengthening the frontal lobe), it will help you to stay in the present moment without worrying too much about the future and the past, it will help you to be more connected to yourself and your feelings, it will help you to recognize recurring patterns in your behavior and to better trace the "waves of cravings" and to accept them and let them pass by. It is a game changer for me and I really think it's beneficial for everyone for the reboot process but also for anxiety issues and for live itself in general.

Good strategy. Rise and shine!☀️
I was puzzled for a moment, because the title of my old journal was actually "Rise and shine". :D

I understand man, I've felt that same way. Aimless, purposeless, useless. Now, I have a wife and a baby tha is 2 months old today. Going on 5 months no masturbation and I will never go back to pmo again. You can do this man, I never thought I would get clean and if I can do it so can you.

The great part about being a guy is that no matter how old you are you can usually still have a family. Even if you don't, I promise you it's still way better on the otherwise and life is much better
Wow, sounds like you're really doing great! Congratulations to your family and all the best to the three of you! :)
Actually I don't think I want kids. (I assumed that I would have kids by now when I was young. But I realized more and more that I am happy without kids.) The problem for me on the weekend was more seeing everybody being full of energy, full of life and having visions and goals in life. With myself just permanently struggling to not drown for the past 1.5 years and not even having the energy to think about my future or any goals and dream for myself. This is closely tied to my (most probably) long covid related health issues. But PMO makes my situation much worse. And I do have high hopes that getting clean will improve my mental and my physical well-being to a point from which I will be able to get really healthy again and look ahead to a positive future and make plans again.

DAY 28
I felt a bit better for the rest of the weekend. Also my energy seems to be higher than the last three weeks of March when it was really bad most of the time. But I have dangerous days/weeks ahead: just like last time its getting way harder to not indulge in fantasy now after three and a half weeks. This was the first misstep to failure last time. Not continuing to be strict with fantasy. Which led to a bit of touching/masturbation/edging, then to MO and finally to PMO.
My proclaimed next goal was to beat my own hardmode record of 40 days. But I'll squeeze in a new more urgent goal to not indulge in fantasy and stay away from touching my dick for the rest of the week.