DAY 09
on my journey to being true to myself and unlocking my potential
Today was much better! More energy than yesterday, positive outlook and I actively initiated to meet a friend for two beer in the evening. This is one of the important things for me generally but especially now during the reboot and after breaking up with my girlfriend: I tend to isolate myself and just focus on what I have to do to improve my situation. Then I procrastinate, sitting at home alone and don't even have time to meet friends, because I am running out of time to clear my schedule.
How to move forward from here
I've had some good streaks in the past (60 days, 90 days...), but 2022 was pretty much a disaster. Not sure if I made it past 10 days one. Mostly relapsing after 3 to 4 days. To be honest, I didn't even put much effort in it. My 40+ day streaks have all been in spring or summer. Never managed to get anywhere in autumn and winter. So I am prepared, that it will be hard. And I want to try to go hard mode for at least 2 months. Might change my mind on that, if the urges get way too intense. (In the past it got to the point, where I started to think about sex, girls, porn 24/7 and it was a relief to MO so I could focus on something else again. But if I have to, I need to MO without any fantasy. Just as little stimulation as needed and then deal with the massive chaser effect for the next two days.)
Why do I want to stay away from porn
Because it's an addiction that brings out the worst in me. In the light of porn I am a shadow of myself. I don't want to space out anymore. I don't want to run away anymore. I don't want to hide anymore. I want to feel joy, anger, love, pain, happiness, despair, hope and excitement. I want to get from "I can't take any more - I just need to rest and sleep" back to "whatever life will throw at me, I will deal with it!". I had that before and I know I can get there again. I want to find joy in my work again. I want to actively shape and develop my career instead of waiting for every day at work to just end and hoping it goes by with few challenges. I don't want to be a helpless passenger anymore. I want my dick to get in better shape. I want to find my way again and stand up for myself if I'm done wrong.
What are my triggers
Stress (often through procrastinating), boredom and low self esteem (often through stress through procrastinating). And once I am in the relapse circle basically every problem that comes my way. The road to porn usually starts with the junction to social media. There are a few specific girls on instagram, that I either had an affair with or I just matched on tinder years ago. I still check out (stalk) there Instagram from time to time when i crave dopamine. Then I start to fantasize. Then I MO or directly go to reddit/porn. Also the morning after waking up is a dangerous time for fantasizing.
What's my strategy
1. Meditation.
I've tried meditation before, but I did never stick to it for a prolonged time. This time it feels different. I started 3 weeks ago - straight after the breakup - and practiced every day. I started with 10 minutes guided meditation each day. A week ago I moved to 10 minutes in the morning and half an hour in the evening. Besides I am reading a book on meditation. In the past, I only tried to increase my willpower to stay away from porn. But beyond that I was not interested in the practice of meditation. I am discovering now how much more there is to it. It is truly a powerful way to appreciate life itself and to "find yourself". To be more present at any moment. To just live and feel life and not think and worry about anything else permanently. Be it things in the future or porn or whatever. I am just at the beginning, but I think this can be life changing. We all agree, that we need to work out to keep our body in good shape. But we tend to forget the mind, which is tormented permanently by (social) media and most of our surroundings these days.
2. Reduce screen time and social media
Like most people I am way too much in front of the screen. And I started using my phone more and more over the past year to distract myself from everything that was going on. I totally lost control sometimes. I will be more mindful on when I need to turn on the computer and for what. I also just ordered an old school alarm clock for the bedroom, so I can leave my phone in the living room at night. (In the last months I usually kept surfing the internet for meaningless bullshit for an hour or more after going to bed. Each time promising myself to not do it again.)
3. Socialize in real life
As I wrote before, that's something I need to be more active and keep in mind. I used to be to passive with that and just wen't along with my friends when they asked to go out. Otherwise it will happen again and again, that I have weeks without meaningful real life contact to people I like and care about. That leads to depressive feelings. That leads to...
4. Sports
I have been very limited in what I was able to do in the past year. But I am optimistic that my physical condition will improve. It already has a bit. And I started to increase my workout routine a little bit. As much as possible for now. But I hope I will be able to join some "fun team sports" with my friends again this year.
5. Stop snoozing
Snoozing is bad anyway and has no advantage at all. But since I tend to start fantasizing in the morning in bed - I often had sex with my ex after waking up - I need to get over this habit and get out of bed right away.
That's it for today. Good night and good luck everyone.
See you tomorrow!
