Back again to go all the way

[Qwertyxyz]

Thanks nick and Qwerty!


The good thing is: your anxiety will most probably improve a lot when you manage stay away from PMO! Most, if not all people report hugh improvements in that area. I wouldn't say that I have social anxiety myself. But there's still a huge difference for me between using porn and not using porn (and not fantasizing and masturbating compulsively). When I use porn to calm myself I tend to stop socializing, I shy away from discussions and disagreements and I get extremely insecure about myself.
If you did not do meditation in the past I'd really encourage you to give it a try! Might take you some time to really stick with it, as it is of course challenging to keep doing it on a daily basis, just like with any other new habit. But there are a lot of benefits. It will improve your willpower (by strengthening the frontal lobe), it will help you to stay in the present moment without worrying too much about the future and the past, it will help you to be more connected to yourself and your feelings, it will help you to recognize recurring patterns in your behavior and to better trace the "waves of cravings" and to accept them and let them pass by. It is a game changer for me and I really think it's beneficial for everyone for the reboot process but also for anxiety issues and for live itself in general.


I was puzzled for a moment, because the title of my old journal was actually "Rise and shine".


Wow, sounds like you're really doing great! Congratulations to your family and all the best to the three of you!
Actually I don't think I want kids. (I assumed that I would have kids by now when I was young. But I realized more and more that I am happy without kids.) The problem for me on the weekend was more seeing everybody being full of energy, full of life and having visions and goals in life. With myself just permanently struggling to not drown for the past 1.5 years and not even having the energy to think about my future or any goals and dream for myself. This is closely tied to my (most probably) long covid related health issues. But PMO makes my situation much worse. And I do have high hopes that getting clean will improve my mental and my physical well-being to a point from which I will be able to get really healthy again and look ahead to a positive future and make plans again.

DAY 28
I felt a bit better for the rest of the weekend. Also my energy seems to be higher than the last three weeks of March when it was really bad most of the time. But I have dangerous days/weeks ahead: just like last time its getting way harder to not indulge in fantasy now after three and a half weeks. This was the first misstep to failure last time. Not continuing to be strict with fantasy. Which led to a bit of touching/masturbation/edging, then to MO and finally to PMO.
My proclaimed next goal was to beat my own hardmode record of 40 days. But I'll squeeze in a new more urgent goal to not indulge in fantasy and stay away from touching my dick for the rest of the week.

Good luck man,
I’ve had time up in the past and than let those fantasies play in my head and gone back to porn. I guess it’s about craving endorphins.
Stay strong you got this

 

[the_badger]

DAY 29
Unfortunately I am not in hard mode anymore. I did not manage to snap out of fantasy yesterday. Today after work I went pretty much into autopilot and MOed. That sucks. Big time.
But there's no time to dwell on it. Because now the upcoming days will be even harder. My first impulse was, to not check in today so I don't have to admit I blew hard mode. But it's important to keep myself accountable. And to course correct. Otherwise I will fail again for sure. Actually this also gives me the chance to make a new step in the right direction. Previously I was never able to get back on the wagon immediately after a relapse or after MO with excessive fantasy - like today. I always gave in a few days later. If I can manage to stay on track now, going back to hard-mode instantly, this will be progress as well.

In the upcoming days if fantasy knocks on the door I will:
1. do a small workout/some pushups/situps (if I have the energy)
2. do a 10 min Wim Hof breathing session
3. meditate for 10 min
4. go for a walk
5. take a break at a coffe shop
6. read

All the best and stay strong brothers

 

[Androg]

You can do it!

 

[Qwertyxyz]

DAY 29
Unfortunately I am not in hard mode anymore. I did not manage to snap out of fantasy yesterday. Today after work I went pretty much into autopilot and MOed. That sucks. Big time.
But there's no time to dwell on it. Because now the upcoming days will be even harder. My first impulse was, to not check in today so I don't have to admit I blew hard mode. But it's important to keep myself accountable. And to course correct. Otherwise I will fail again for sure. Actually this also gives me the chance to make a new step in the right direction. Previously I was never able to get back on the wagon immediately after a relapse or after MO with excessive fantasy - like today. I always gave in a few days later. If I can manage to stay on track now, going back to hard-mode instantly, this will be progress as well.

In the upcoming days if fantasy knocks on the door I will:
1. do a small workout/some pushups/situps (if I have the energy)
2. do a 10 min Wim Hof breathing session
3. meditate for 10 min
4. go for a walk
5. take a break at a coffe shop
6. read

All the best and stay strong brothers

Good luck Badger and it’s great that you checked in. Meditation can benefit me but sometimes I just get flooded with intrusive thoughts and I’ve got to move and do something else. If I don’t distract from intrusive thoughts I’ll go backwards.

have a good week

 

[the_badger]

Thanks guys. Sorry to admit - I didn't make it. So it's day 0 again.
Hard to say at the moment when exactly I went off tracks. I felt convinced, that I am ready to take the next step and that 2023 is gonna be the year for me. It still can be. But it's a huge setback again. I need to contemplate what I have to do differently to succeed.
The one thing that's troubling me most is my Long Cov battle. I have too many days, when I just feel like I can't take it anymore. When I am feeling sick and out of energy for days, struggling to not drown in day by day challenges. Then the reboot is not the number one priority anymore. And I don't know how to change that.
Well, I am trying a new approach with long covid with a TCM doctor. I do have a bit of a hard time to trust it. Because a lot of the basic fundamentals of TCM seem to be so random and made up to me. On the other hand, I do believe that it has an effect and is not just bullshit - like homeopathy for example. (Sorry if anyone thinks highly about homeopathy. )
But I'll try with TCM and that means I'll do it seriously and go all in. Conventional medicine was no help. So I don't have an other option anyway. It will be tough fighting two battles at the same time. But for the past 8 months I lost hope in conventional medicine and so I didn't fight Long Cov anymore. I was just helplessly thrown around by it's symptoms hoping for miraculous improvements. Now at least I can do something actively again.
And for the reboot - the first step was to continue journaling today and not go silent in shame. Now I'm gonna focus on a new start and a good day 1 tomorrow.

All the best and stay strong. I can tell you first hand, a relapse is - surprisingly - not worth it.

 

[Androg]

GL with the doctor...and your mission!

 

[Qwertyxyz]

Thanks guys. Sorry to admit - I didn't make it. So it's day 0 again.
Hard to say at the moment when exactly I went off tracks. I felt convinced, that I am ready to take the next step and that 2023 is gonna be the year for me. It still can be. But it's a huge setback again. I need to contemplate what I have to do differently to succeed.
The one thing that's troubling me most is my Long Cov battle. I have too many days, when I just feel like I can't take it anymore. When I am feeling sick and out of energy for days, struggling to not drown in day by day challenges. Then the reboot is not the number one priority anymore. And I don't know how to change that.
Well, I am trying a new approach with long covid with a TCM doctor. I do have a bit of a hard time to trust it. Because a lot of the basic fundamentals of TCM seem to be so random and made up to me. On the other hand, I do believe that it has an effect and is not just bullshit - like homeopathy for example. (Sorry if anyone thinks highly about homeopathy. )
But I'll try with TCM and that means I'll do it seriously and go all in. Conventional medicine was no help. So I don't have an other option anyway. It will be tough fighting two battles at the same time. But for the past 8 months I lost hope in conventional medicine and so I didn't fight Long Cov anymore. I was just helplessly thrown around by it's symptoms hoping for miraculous improvements. Now at least I can do something actively again.
And for the reboot - the first step was to continue journaling today and not go silent in shame. Now I'm gonna focus on a new start and a good day 1 tomorrow.

All the best and stay strong. I can tell you first hand, a relapse is - surprisingly - not worth it.

Good luck man,
It’s hard when there’s a lot going on, I know I need to talk more about my daily stress, life is manageable but but hard at times. Be good to yourself, toucan do it

 

[the_badger]

I had a few relapses after I went silent on here. But I don't blame myself this time as something really bad happened that made me just want to give up on life. Of course in the long run the goal is to stay strong especially in such moments. But right now I don't know where to take the strength and determination from. I have had a spinal injury a few years ago leading to severe pain for 8 months and practically being unable to do anything (sports/running, sitting for longer than 15 minutes...). After 8 months of strict therapy I finally got a grip on it and have been pain free and without a problem in that region for years. Two weeks ago the pain came back out of the blue and I was unable to move and walk again. I was in shock for about a week. Knowing I can not go through this again for months while also battling Long Cov I was hopeless like never before. I did not even want to talk to anyone anymore. I just wanted to withdraw from the world. I could not take this nightmare anymore.
The good news: after that week in shock I pulled myself together and mustered up all the energy I had left somewhere to focus on my back and to do everything I can to improve it. (From my experience of the first time I do already have a lot of tools and exercises and know how to strain and relax properly. Also went to a doctor for treatment of course.) After that week of intense self care it is way better than I dared to hope. If things continue like that I might be pain free in 2 weeks again.

But I just keep wondering what the hell happened to my body and my life. Until the spinal injury a few years ago I was completely healthy. Athletic, excellent results on any blood test (which I still have) and no major issues. I thought the back problems were just a bump in the road. But today it's hard to imagine to ever get back to continuous health. I actually forgot how it feels like to just live your life without worrying about your body permanently.
But I will keep going. I don't have an other option anyway. Besides working on my back I am planning on how to get better treatment for my covid symptoms and how get some time off work without loosing too much money.

And today is day 4 by the way. Rebooting is not my main priority right now, so I might fail again soon. But let's see. Maybe I can do better in this regard than I expect.

 

[Androg]

Nice job pulling back on course. Sometimes limitations turn out to be blessings. Perhaps you will discover you have some important work to do in the world, which you would not have discovered had you remained perfectly healthy. Have you ever read about Darwin's chronic illness?

 

[the_badger]

Hello again,
been a long time since I last showed up. But I had good reasons. I've had serious health issues already back then because of Long Covid, but after I went offline things went downhill fast. This has been the worst time of my life for sure. Actually I had given up hope to get better again at some point. I felt like I was at the end of my life and there were a lot of nights, when I was pretty sure I won't wake up again, once I fall asleep. (Because of intense chest pain, arrhythmic heartbeat, out of control "blood pressure drops" and countless other scary symptoms.) Since I finally got medical treatment by a Long Covid specialist (actually the only one in my whole country), things improve - slowly. It's still a very long way. I am maybe at 50% at the moment. But most of the time I am hopeful again, that I will recover at least to a point where life will be enjoyable again.
Naturally the PMO thing was not my main focus in this past half year and it still isn't. But still, I'll try to get back on track in this regard as well. It's Day 3 today.

 

[the_badger]

DAY 04

Feels good to be back!
Its not that I gave up my reboot ambitions completely in the past few months. I even had few streaks of 10-20 days (mostly hard mode). But journaling again increases the commitment. My first goal is to stay pornfree for the rest of the year.

 

[GBS]

Welcome back @the_badger - I think the discipline coming on here daily is helpful both for your own recovery but also for us lot on here already. This community is wonderful but I wish it was growing.

 

[the_badger]

Thanks GBS! And absolutely. I had my best streaks when I posted here regularly. The community is amazing. It was very bad news, that there are no new members allowed. I hope we can keep it alive with the people already registered!

DAY 05

Had some minor urges today, but all manageable. It feels good and relieving to have porn blockers in place right now. I usually had good streak without them in the past, even up to 90 days. But while fighting Long Cod I am more vulnerable. And I need a lot of willpower and discipline already for my recovery. (Keeping a schedule with a lot of breaks, doing breath work and meditation, keeping a strikt diet, not wasting any of my limited energy on useless stuff...)

 

[the_badger]

DAY 06

Met a friend for the third day in a row. Going for a walk and having some tea. This is quite an improvement (in my LongCov condition) compared to two months ago. It's great to be able to socialise again and meet people on a regular basis. But I will have a quiet day tomorrow, to avoid overexertion and a crash.
No real urges today. I expect them to increase after about 12 days.

 

[the_badger]

DAY 07

Quiet day, just as planed. I guess this journal will also be a lot about my Long Cov struggle. Because there is not much going on in my life apart from my recovery. I am on sick leave for almost half a year now. But things keep improving. Slowly but more or less steadily. There is no guarantee for a complete recovery. But I am optimistic at the moment. Can't wait to get well enough to start with light exercises.
A few minor urges today. Again, I am happy I have a pornblocker in place at the moment. Spares me some exhausting discussions with my lizard brain.

 

[the_badger]

DAY 08

An hour ago I didn't want to post today, but come back tomorrow. I made up my mind. I cant start skipping days already. This is all about discipline. Especially on the bad days.
I had a (Long Cov) crash today. Meeting people for three days in a row was too much. So two days later i face the consequences. I hope its not too bad. But I need to go back to doing literally nothing (except cocking, eating, showering) for a few days. This is a huge disappointment as the progress is so fucking slow anyway and such a setback means usually no progress for at least 10 to 14 days.
On top of that (and surely because of it) the urges got intense today, as my brain desperately demanded a dopamin hit to ease the frustration about the crash. I couldn't handle it as I wished and MOed. Without any porn involved. But I planned to go much further in hard mode. So thats disappointing as well.

Shitty day today. But I've been there before. The next days are about regaining control and bouncing back. At the moment it sucks big time, but that doesn't mean I have to loose control completely.

 

[the_badger]

DAY 09

In the evening the urges got strong (chaser effect I guess) and I fantasised a bit. But snapped out of it. Not the best day, but given the circumstances, quite ok.

 

[the_badger]

DAY 10

MOed again today... this is not all all how I imagine a proper reboot. Proceeding like this, will not lead to real recovery, as I am still relying heavily on the regular dopamine fix. I will try to do better. But I am not sure I have the amount of energy needed at the moment. (It's twice as hard, when you can't really distract yourself and focus on other things. Can't do any exercises. Even with long walks I have to be careful. Mental over-exhaustion leads to a crash as well.)
I will for sure do everything I can to reach my basic goal to stay pornfree for the rest of the year.

 

[the_badger]

DAY 11

Next day, next MO. Just can't get myself to break the cycle. Had I no pornblocker in place I would have given in for sure these days.
Thinking about it - this has been my routine for at least a year now, maybe even longer: 4-10 days hardmode - on better streaks 14-20 days - before I start to fantasise. That leads to more fantasising the next day. What leads to MO. And 3 days later PMO. A few days later I've had enough and the circle begins again.
I realise now, how this pattern has been engraved into my brain. So I'm pretty sure it's not only the chaser effect that troubles me, but my own conditioning as well. My brain just knows, after the first MO, more are to follow and then usually PMO. It's a matter of fact. So it's pushing me and pushing me until I give in.

I don't know why, but I have a feeling, that tomorrow I will break the MO cycle for now. Let's see...

 

[the_badger]

DAY 12

As I anticipated - no MO today. It's strange, but somehow I felt it right after that MO yesterday. The "wave of lust and compulsion" has passed. I need to stay focused, but from my experience, the next 5-7 days should be way easier again.
Generally I felt better today. More focused, more positive and more relaxed. So I think I am also recovering from my latest LongCov crash on Sunday.