Back again to go all the way

[Percival]

I think it was by arguing with myself repeatedly. In the end intellect prevailed over emotion, the frontal lobe beat the brain stem.

That is my experience too: if I actually stop and intentionally think about the temptation, I always recognize that it's ultimately stupid and self-defeating. Ironically, the part of my brain that likes porn has also learned from that to hurry through the temptation phase so that I don't have time to think about it. So I have to not only think about it, but also force myself to stop, and then think about it.

Like you, coming here frequently helps me to reset, even if I haven't slipped up recently. I continually need the reminder.

 

[the_badger]

the part of my brain that likes porn has also learned from that to hurry through the temptation phase so that I don't have time to think about it

Very true! Even more after a misstep - and after a relapse I find this to be extreme. When I pull myself together after a relapse and get to the point where I am confident, that I can get back on the horse straight away, my brain skips those moments of rational realisation what's about to happen completely...

Speaking of which:

DAY 0

It was the usual pattern. Little missteps for one or two days, realising I am loosing my way and pulling myself together, but the door has been opened and its almost always the second day after a misstep, that I give in. I was putting quite some time, thinking and devotion into this first serious reboot since maybe 6 or 8 months. Just as it should be. But it's a let down, that I only made it two week, as I have had way longer streaks in the past already.

I think I did an okay job on many parts of rebooting. But there are a few things, that are worrying me, concerning my next attempt(s). Thoughts and issues that need to be resolved somehow, so I wont self-sabotage. I will elaborate more in one of my next posts.

I wanted to do a review about the past week each Sunday. So, despite the relapse, here's how things went last week:

Positives:
- did not use Tinder anymore after Monday (deleted it and didn't reinstall it later)
- did not use Instagram after Monday (deactivated it and vowed to not use it for at least a month)
- kept my mobile phone screen time low
- did socialise much more this week, just like I planned

Negatives:
- still much room for improvement in laptop screen time (mindless browsing/checking news...)
- did not post on rbn every day. (even if I am just posting my day count, I should log on and do that daily.)
- did not find a way to fight through the cravings when they got really strong and finally relapsed
- did not complete and fine tune my recovery strategy; failed to establish "protocols to avoid relapse when triggered" in time;
- did not yet improve my sleep and wake up times

Next things to do:
- think and write more about the things and issues that I mentioned already, which are sabotaging my good intentions and will stay a problem if not resolved
- complete and fine tune my recovery strategy or at least expand on the most necessary points (like the "trigger avoidance protocols")


Hope you all had a more successful weekend, all the best, brothers!

 

[Percival]

I think I did an okay job on many parts of rebooting.

I think you did too!

One thing that helps me in these these times of after-action regret is to find something positive about it, so it's not just a big beat-yourself-up party (which can itself trigger another relapse: you feel so bad that you might as well go and sin some more). Find something positive, even if it's just that you looked for only 3 hours instead of 4, or the kind of porn wasn't as bad as the last time, etc.

 

[the_badger]

DAY 01

For over two weeks now I reminded myself to come back here to be active again. Often I postponed it to the next day. Then I relapsed again and told myself once more to get back on track tomorrow.
The only positive thing: I observed myself and my habits more closely than usually after relapsing. I do not feel bad immediately after relapsing. Sure, I am very disappointed I gave in, but I keep feeling in control over my life for a few more days. Also, the first two or three times, porn is exciting and I get a strong dopamine high from it. But I get bored with porn fast (after 2 or 3 days) and it's loosing its appeal. That's when I feel like "okay, I relapsed again. I gave in for a few days. But as always, it's not as good as it seems and it has nothing to offer me in the long run.". So I feel confident to get back in the battle immediately. Unfortunately, by that time the habit got too strong again already. Even though I know it won't feel good anymore, I can't help but give in as soon as I am bored or feel bad for an hour or two. So the downward spiral continues. After a week or ten days I start to feel worse and I start to procrastinate and waste more and more time. Which leads to - more porn of course.

Focusing on small steps for now, to break the cycle. First step to stay clean for the rest of the day and post again tomorrow.

 

[Escapeandnevercomeback]

The only positive thing: I observed myself and my habits more closely than usually after relapsing. I do not feel bad immediately after relapsing. Sure, I am very disappointed I gave in, but I keep feeling in control over my life for a few more days. Also, the first two or three times, porn is exciting and I get a strong dopamine high from it. But I get bored with porn fast (after 2 or 3 days) and it's loosing its appeal. That's when I feel like "okay, I relapsed again. I gave in for a few days. But as always, it's not as good as it seems and it has nothing to offer me in the long run.". So I feel confident to get back in the battle immediately. Unfortunately, by that time the habit got too strong again already. Even though I know it won't feel good anymore, I can't help but give in as soon as I am bored or feel bad for an hour or two. So the downward spiral continues. After a week or ten days I start to feel worse and I start to procrastinate and waste more and more time. Which leads to - more porn of course.

Yes, I know exactly what you mean. I also feel like "this is the last time when I'm using porn", when I'm oversaturated with how much porn I binged only to start having urges a few days later and all that goes out the window.

 

[the_badger]

There've been countless "last times" for most of us... but we shall never give up hope that one time it really will have been the last time.

DAY 02

Most of the day was "easy going". But now in the evening I have stronger cravings and need to pull myself together to stay on track. About three more hours to go today.

 

[the_badger]

DAY 03

Mentally I am feeling quite low at the moment. Really had a hard time getting out of bed in the morning for the past couple of days. Never the less, I got a few things done today after I was able to pull my self together in the afternoon.
Positive thing: urges are not that strong and manageable for now. Next goal is to make it through Sunday and start the new week still on track!

 

[the_badger]

DAY 04

I might actually be in a flatline. Don't have flatlines often and I don't worry too much about them.
I am not really feeling depressed, but still, it requires some willpower to get out of bed and in general I don't care much about anything right now. But I get a few things done each day and things are kind of alright. I would not mind if this state would continue for a couple of weeks. Because there are hardly any urges to fantasise or (P)MO, making it way easier to stay on track.