Back again to go all the way

the_badger

Member
DAY 19
on my journey to being true to myself and unlocking my potential

I have not been posting as often as I planned. But the reboot is going well! I have not had many urges the last days and finally my mood improved a bit. Not yet in a stable good mood, but I have quite good and positive moments. And also in between my faith in a better future returned. Motivation is slowly coming back I think.
But I have to be super vigilant. This is up to now my "cleanest" reboot ever. Without any peeking at porn or nude images and without indulging in fantasy. Of course there are thoughts about sex and porn from time to time. But I let them arise, be there for two minutes or three and then they fade again as I don't actively "deepen" them. But right now for the first time I feel like "I can do this even in hard mode - It's not too hard after all". I know from experience that this is a dangerous moment.

On my strategy and goals:
I kept doing my daily mediation. That's the most important thing. I do also put effort in socializing and meeting friends. Considering the rest - reducing screen time and social media, working out and stop snoozing - I didn't improve at all. But that's ok. You can't change everything at once. I will try to work on that in the upcoming weeks.

See you tomorrow!
 

Simon2

Well-Known Member
For me staying away from peeking, looking at P replacements, has been key. I have made a commitment to do nothing at all that I'd be embarrassed if someone saw me do it... And it's made a huge difference in being able to keep it up. Don't get on the slippery slope at all!

All the best, and strength!
 

the_badger

Member
Thanks Simon! You are right, avoiding Pornsubs ia definitely one of the biggest keystones to a successful reboot. One of my most dangerous subs was fantasizing. Mostly about real girls/affairs but usually spiced up with porn scenarios. But I think in my previous attempts over the last years, fantasizing became not only a substitution but an equivalent replacement for porn. I was more or less always edging to fantasy. Cutting it out this time makes a huge difference.

DAY 20
on my journey to being true to myself and unlocking my potential

Yesterday was a great day. Had some beers with friends and a nice evening. Today I had to work again for a few hours (on Sunday). There's really too much work on my schedule at the moment. Hadn't had a day completely without work for 2 weeks now. But this should get way better in February. I can't wait!
I also wrote my ex today, to find a day to swap our stuff that's still at each others place. And also to complain about how she broke of contact in the end. (Although no contact in the near future is best. It's just about the way of her simply stopping responding...) And I absolutely didn't like to write her a message. I had put it off for e few days. And when I finally decided, I will do it today, I felt this huge craving for dopamine. Not even for porn. But I felt an intense pull to start fantasizing about something/someone just to get a fix and make the tension go away.
Got over it. But it was mind blowing how obvious it was. (The use of porn/fantasy as a drug to calm myself down.)

Not looking forward to the upcoming (work)week. But hopefully at the end of the week things will calm down.

See you tomorrow!
 
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the_badger

Member
DAY 22
on my journey to being true to myself and unlocking my potential

Met with some friends and had a nice evening. Tomorrow I will swap the left over stuff with my ex. Without contact. We exchanged a few long text messages in the past days. We don't have any good feelings for each other at the moment. As usual she was brutally honest to the point of being insulting. I value honesty. But there are limits where it just gets mean. (She apologized later before I even got to responding.) I am relieved things will be done tomorrow and we won't have any contact from then on for a long time unless we bump into each other by accident.

The reboot is still going well. I didn't believe I could go hard mode for over three weeks, but here I am. I am pretty sure I never went that long without an orgasm (not even a wet dream) my whole life. My mood is not great, but considering what's going on right now it's more than ok. And not feeling like a slave to porn/fantasy/lust/masturbation for over three weeks is amazing!
 

the_badger

Member
DAY 24
on my journey to being true to myself and unlocking my potential

The work-week is not yet over. But it's coming to an end and from then on, things should calm down. More free time might present new challenges. But let's see. Generally I am getting a bit bewildered and suspicious. There are hardly any urges at the moment. Seems way too easy for hard mode on day 24. :unsure: But I know. Things can change at any given moment. So I need to stay vigilant, not get complacent and be prepared for when it gets tough.
 

the_badger

Member
DAY 28
on my journey to being true to myself and unlocking my potential

Still going strong in my hardmode reboot. My mood has been bit up and down the last few days and the urges to indulge in fantasy became a bit stronger. But still no interest in porn. I had the first work free weekend after 2. But it turned out shittier than expected. Didn't have that much energy and needed to motivate myself to do stuff. And quite a few things turned out not so great. Like washing a hanky with my black clothes (and socks) and having to pull all the micro fibers out of the fabric. Then cooking myself dinner with the meat simmering for over two hours only to find out, that one of the spices I used was contaminated with countless little maggots so I had to throw it away. Also my hip, that has been bugging me quite some time now while I thought it's improving suddenly got really bad when I decided to go out for a walk to get some sunlight so that I hardly made it home by foot because the pain got so intense. So today I started the work week in a really bad mood. And despite that I am quite unhappy with my job (which I am planning to quit once I get my energy and my self-esteem back and can figure out what I really want to do) my mood improved during the workday. In the evening I decided to do a little workout (with whatever I am able to do considering my hip) which felt great. Getting my hip examined next week and really hope for some major improvements soon.
I think I already feel my emotions much clearer and more intense. The good ones as the bad ones. And I am able to get over them in appropriate time and shift my focus back to the stuff ahead instead of drifting aimlessly through the day with a lot of suppressed feelings lingering in the back of my head.
 

the_badger

Member
DAY 36
on my journey to being true to myself and unlocking my potential

Haven't been on here for a while, but everything is still on track! I had a pretty good last week. Only on Sunday evening and throughout Monday my mood dropped, but now I feel way better again. Generally my mood is getting better and more stable. Also my energy seems to increase bit by bit. Small steps, but definitely on the right way!
The urges got a bit more intense last week. Almost the whole first month of the year, I felt pretty asexual and without a lot of craving. (Maybe I was in a flatline. Don't know. I never experienced a flatline before. And I did have morning wood most days in January. Not sure if it can be a flatline then.) So the last two days - when feeling down and tired - I had those instant thoughts again out of nothing about what a relief it would be to just go online and watch some porn. Did not really contemplate to do it. But the threat seems back to just go on autopilot and blow everything in a second when not staying vigilant. I also came close to MO two times, as it's getting harder to fight of emerging fantasy. And after 5 weeks hardmode it doesn't even need masturbation. A little touch and thinking about sex is enough to come close to a discharge...
I would not reset my counter. As I said before, I am genuinely surprised, that I am able to go five weeks+ in hardmode. Seemed impossible throughout the past years of failing reboot attempts. But now I want to go for at least three more weeks to make it 60 days hardmode. (Also without sex. Not that it's likely to happen without me starting to date/meet women again. 😄)
I will try to get back to posting more often to not lose focus.

All the best and see you tomorrow!
 
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the_badger

Member
Hello all,
it's day 2 for me...

Unfortunately I relapsed on 26th of February after 54 days. After about 40 days of hardmode I gave in to MO. But it didn't stop there. I MOed 3 more times in the following 10 days and finally went full PMO. So right after the first MO everything went out of control... :(
I am usually not beating myself up too much about relapses. But I was (and still am) pretty pissed I let that one slip. I was on my way - better than ever before. My mood had improved and I got more stable just about 2 weeks before I blew it. And as usually I was not able to jump back on the wagon immediately. It's been two or three weeks now with regular relapses and everything you get from that: feeling down, feeling needy, beeing passive, thinking about my ex again more often instead of focusing on my future and myself... the usual bleak outlook on life in general. And my social media and screen time in general went up extremely again. Because I am not motivated to do anything else with my time. So I figured it might help to get back on here. Even if I don't write much, I will try to check in daily.

Making a vow to myself to stay clean of P and MO for at least the rest of the week and build from there!

All the best and see you tomorrow!
 

Androg

Administrator
Admin
Moderator
Live and learn. Given the intense chaser, it sounds like you tried to reincorporate MO too soon, eh? Still, how do you know unless you experiment?

Now you know. :cool:
 

the_badger

Member
Live and learn. Given the intense chaser, it sounds like you tried to reincorporate MO too soon, eh? Still, how do you know unless you experiment?

Now you know. :cool:
I did not want to reincorporate MO anyway. Actually I am not only striving for a life without porn, but also for a life without MO. 6 years ago I would have said, that's crazy and inhumane. But now, I don't see any purpose in MO anymore. I have used M in a compulsive fashion as a child already to avoid bad feelings. So it's not much different to using porn for me. I was pretty sure I couldn't live without regular O (like at least once every 2 weeks or so). But since I went 40 days hardmode and it felt not bad at all this time, well, it might be possible.

DAY 04
was ok. Low in energy, but no urges. Gonna do my meditation session and call it a day.
 
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the_badger

Member
DAY 05
All good today. Relaxed a bit in the sun. Got some things off my todo list. It was a good decision to return to the forum. Even if its only short check ins for now - it helps to keep the focus and get a new streak going.

All the best and see you tomorrow!
 

the_badger

Member
DAY 06
Had a chilled Sunday to reload the batteries. Just got a few more small things off my todo list. Trying to get everything done that's been on there for a while and is starting to bug me. Maybe I can clear all those left over todos form past weeks and months till the end of march.
Reached my first goal to stay clean for the week 💪 (if I don't relapse in the upcoming 2 hours). So the next step will be to make it till the end of March! Definitely motivated again and will give my best!
 

the_badger

Member
DAY 07
Morning wood came back today - like it always does really early in the reboot. Woke up several times between 4 and 7 am with a strong hard-on. Strange how this always happens so soon. Then a week or so later it vanishes again and did not yet come back in any of the reboot attempts. Not even during my 90 day streak 2 years ago. (Although I don't consider that one a proper reboot anymore in hindsight. Sure, it was huge at the time and an important step forward. But I think I kept fantasizing way too much back then. Never cutting out the dopamine fix completely.)

Good night and see you tomorrow!
 

the_badger

Member
DAY 08
All good. Mainly work today and exhausted in the evening. Feeling a bit discontent in the evening. But no real urges yet.
 

the_badger

Member
DAY 09
Just a quick check in as I am already late with my meditation and should be in bed by now...
All good today. No hard urges, still no fantasizing. 💪
Tomorrow I will have jome office. Hoping for a productive day.
 

the_badger

Member
DAY 12
Missed two days to check in - gonna be careful to not loose my focus. The big issue is, I am so fucking low on energy again. I have not talked about this before, but by now, I am pretty sure I am suffering from Long Covid. I am battling this for 1.5 years now. It's ups and downs, but most of the time I feel like a 70 year old and even on a good day, my energy is depleted after about 6-8 hours. On top of extreme exhaustion and feeling ill permanently there are all kinds of symptoms ranging from annoying to really scary. Brain fog, trouble to find words/ form sentences, feeling like fainting, skipping heart beats, ...
There are days and sometimes weeks when I feel almost normal. I even had a complete month of feeling good again last year. I really thought this shit was finally behind me. 2023 was pretty ok for a while. But since the end of February things went downhill again.
(A lot of things have been excluded medically. Of course psychosomatic causes were supposed as well and I went to Psychotherapy. Which was good and helpful in general. But didn't improve anything physically.)

This is also the reason I am not interacting more on here. I used to read a lot more through other journals. Now being active again with my own journal I would like to participate more and be part of the community. But most of the days I am completely wasted after struggling through the workday.

The more important it is, to stay away from PMO and break this addiction. This is the only way I will somehow hopefully be able to deal with my situation instead of wasting the few hours of "free time" I have on porn...
 

Androg

Administrator
Admin
Moderator
Sorry for what you're going through. Sounds like you need a doctor who will work with you long-term.
 
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