Im trying to end my porn addiction, and have the urge to masturbate often, should I be sexually active? I have not watched porn for a week, and over the weekend I got head off of one of my friends, but I had to mastubate to finish. Is this masturbation a problem in the context, is it ok to still be sexually active, and does this count as a relapse, do I have to abstain from all sexual matters or what? Thanks guys.
Quitting Porn Addiction: Should I be more sexually active?
- Thread starter 1122578
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1996addict
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Hey just read your Post. You should be so lucky having "real" sex. Most guys on here its something we strive for. If you have an opportunity to have sex i say go for it! Just as long as you're living in the moment and not fantasizing about porn you've seen. Good luck with your Reboot! 
1
1996addict
Guest
P.S. I fell off the wagon last night after 6 days. Re-set my PMO counter today tho. Gonna go without MO as well as it contributed to my relapse. I just read an article on YBOP about Edging. So to avoid letting edging take over and force my brain to crave that ultimate pic, vid, story. . I have to give up jerking off for 90 days while my reboot takes root. Mind you, if a friend offers head I ain't gonna say no!
Keep in touch Buddy! I'll be tracking your progress as well.
Keep in touch Buddy! I'll be tracking your progress as well.
U
Username
Guest
1122578, in my eyes that incident does not count as a relapse for you didn't masturbate to artificial stimuli.
However, there might be something else: Being sexually active while rebooting should be reserved for intimacy (that might, but mustn't necessarily include intercourse in any way) - and your account does not sound like there was much affection involved. Correct me if I'm wrong, but it appears that it was only about pleasuring yourself courtesy of "one of [your] friends". And that kind of behavior shouldn't be part of your journey toward a new life. It's certainly not speeding up your progress. So you might think about that.
However, there might be something else: Being sexually active while rebooting should be reserved for intimacy (that might, but mustn't necessarily include intercourse in any way) - and your account does not sound like there was much affection involved. Correct me if I'm wrong, but it appears that it was only about pleasuring yourself courtesy of "one of [your] friends". And that kind of behavior shouldn't be part of your journey toward a new life. It's certainly not speeding up your progress. So you might think about that.
I agree with Username. As addicts, we have no concept of healthy sexuality, but we can learn what that is through recovery. Those fears that our balls will explode if we don't orgasm constantly are simply unfounded and actually perpetuate in the mind of an addict. Sex to an addict is a central part of their presumed health. Sex addicts believe they NEED sex to operate. We over stimulate our brains with porn to attempt to quench our needs and yet all it does is propell us deeper into our addiction. I strongly believe anyone truly seeking recovery from sex/porn addiction should refrain from any sexual experience for at least 30 days, but this perhaps an argument from my experience. My outlook has been skewed throughout my sexual life. For me abstinence seemed utterly impossible, which is why I went for it. I gave up and admitted that my way of thinking about sex and it's necessity was the foundation of my problem. I quit rationalizing to myself tha I knew why healthy sexuality was and how to get there. I decided that rather than nurture myself with sex and masturbation, I would begin to nurture myself with healthy stimuli like writing and art. I hope you can learn something about yourself and I strongly recommend trying some abstinence, it won't kill you, popular to contrary belief.
1122578, both Username and Mbg hit the nail on the head there for you.
We all know the position where you're at. We've been there at a certain point in time and surely we are all prone to sometimes trick ourselves into that position again, as this is the addiction's nature.
The point is that getting to a satisfying sex life that you have control of and not the other way round will not come that easy. Ie. just abstaining from PMO is not enough, I'm sorry to say.
This is first and foremost a dopamine addiction, not a PMO addiction. In case you want to reboot, you should keep out of any activity that spikes your dopamine artificially and with a sexual context.
Getting head from one your friends just doesn't seem like playing along those lines. Just so that this is not constructive criticism, it would be a different story if you like that friend, took her out for a few dates, make a genuine effort to get to know her, then make a decision that you want to be intimate with her and treat her like a long-term (at least with regard to your aims) partner. Maybe in an ideal world you would tell her about your sexual life story and your struggle with addiction, although I don't want to overdo it. And then she gave you head, while you would - and wanted - to give her the favor back, in any way you mutually agreed. You could say getting head is getting head, but the context is quite different, and this is what matters.
J.
We all know the position where you're at. We've been there at a certain point in time and surely we are all prone to sometimes trick ourselves into that position again, as this is the addiction's nature.
The point is that getting to a satisfying sex life that you have control of and not the other way round will not come that easy. Ie. just abstaining from PMO is not enough, I'm sorry to say.
This is first and foremost a dopamine addiction, not a PMO addiction. In case you want to reboot, you should keep out of any activity that spikes your dopamine artificially and with a sexual context.
Getting head from one your friends just doesn't seem like playing along those lines. Just so that this is not constructive criticism, it would be a different story if you like that friend, took her out for a few dates, make a genuine effort to get to know her, then make a decision that you want to be intimate with her and treat her like a long-term (at least with regard to your aims) partner. Maybe in an ideal world you would tell her about your sexual life story and your struggle with addiction, although I don't want to overdo it. And then she gave you head, while you would - and wanted - to give her the favor back, in any way you mutually agreed. You could say getting head is getting head, but the context is quite different, and this is what matters.
J.
Challenged, I'm well aware that not all porn addicts are sex addicts. I've never said that anywhere. You are right in that I should not speak I terms of "we" or "you". We are all different and have different compulsive sexual behaviors that may or may not be attributed to sex addiction. However, compulsive use of pornography, to the point that it damages one's livelihood or causes feelings of shame or guilt, is sexual addiction. I think you need to do some research and quit trolling my posts.
Interesting you say "sex is not addictive" and then post a link to an article discussing the differences between porn and sex addiction. I also see that for many porn addicts, their compulsive use of pornography and masturbation usually persists despite negative consequences such as PIED, loss of sleep, faultering relationships, porn use in unsafe places such as work, while driving, or out in public and the list goes on. This is quite the same as sexual addiction and excessive porn use and masturbation is specially listed in the Sex Addicts Anonymous book as well as "Out of the shadows" as compulsive sexual behavior. I'm not suggesting that all people that use porn are sex addicts, but when ones porn use is conflicting with one'a safety, mental health, physical health, or the well being of others they are very much trapped in the same cycle that sex addicts are trapped into. "The National Council on Sexual Addiction and Compulsivity has defined sexual addiction as ?engaging in persistent and escalating patterns of sexual behavior acted out despite increasing negative consequences to self and others.? In other words, a sex addict will continue to engage in certain sexual behaviors despite facing potential health risks, financial problems, shattered relationships or even arrest."
You continue to argue about semantics and it's pointless. Porn use is sexual. Excessive porn use is compulsive sexual behavior. You can nitpick all you want about the differences between someone addicted to porn and a compulsive exhibitionist, but in the end both have compulsive sexual behaviors that cause harm to themselves and others and likely both have tried to stop on their own with no luck. If someone on this forum can successfully reboot on their own with using only this forum then I commend them. How one recovers is totally up to the individual. However, I see many on this forum who are reaching out or help because their addiction has had negative consequences in their lives. When someone has tried to reboot and continues to relapse they are addicted. When you break promises to yourself you are an addict.challenged said:
Ok.... Semantics... When I talk about sex addiction I am including porn addiction. I'm well aware that many people who use porn compulsively may not have other compulsive behaviors, just as a prostitute addict may not engage in internet porn excessively, or at all. However, I see both as classified as sex addiction and I see treatment for both are quite the same. In each case you treat the addiction, whatever the behavior might be. But now I'm done with this because I see this going nowhere. Sorry to the OP. From this I hope you have found the advice you were looking for.
I think if you are having to masturbate to get to O even when you are in a real sex situation then you are just reinforcing the 'bad' links in your brain. You are reinforcing the link between M and O and you are not helping to strengthen the links between your partner and O. If you continue to do that you will probably find that every time you are in a real sex situation your brain needs you to M to get to O.
Mbg and challenged -> I have no interest to act as an arbitator in your dispute, although this is a think I do a lot at work.
But.
I guess this really is individual thing.
I will not make much to hide that I lean more towards Mbg's position. This my view and here is why I think so:
1. this is all not sex addiction, not porn addiction, but DOPAMINE addiction (I would maybe add sexually themed dopamine addiction); and this is not a semantic thing: all of us, we're addicted to DOPAMINE, really, the only difference is what you hit to get the dopamine spike;
2. the differentiation doesn't speak to me: P involves M usually and all that together is sex life, which makes perfect sense to call it "sex addiction";
3. I am sorry to say that, challenged, but I personally find your attitude a dangerous one; if your P addiction is isolated, then my congrats to you, but my own experience, and the experience of the prevailing group here is that PMO addiction is a tip of the iceberg, where people really do not know what healthy sexually is and they have to build that from scratch -> this applies particularly to those who started PMO very early and that group is massive;
4. also, on the pure symptoms perspective, many guys start with PMO and their behaviour starts to spin around, including oggling, fantasizing, dating sites, prostitutes' sites, and then spin further to involve actually meeting those people, going to those prostitutes and so on; I don't say all addicts do that, but I think all are in danger;
5. that said, I acknowledge that their is a group here who had a healthy (?) sex life, which was subsequently ruined by P only; those are usually a bit older guys who were saved by the fact that technology wasn't that advanced in their youth.
I just hope that we all help ourselves.
This place is made for fruitful discussion, and assistance, and consolation.
So let's not bicker over semantics too much
Best to all!!!
J.
But.
I guess this really is individual thing.
I will not make much to hide that I lean more towards Mbg's position. This my view and here is why I think so:
1. this is all not sex addiction, not porn addiction, but DOPAMINE addiction (I would maybe add sexually themed dopamine addiction); and this is not a semantic thing: all of us, we're addicted to DOPAMINE, really, the only difference is what you hit to get the dopamine spike;
2. the differentiation doesn't speak to me: P involves M usually and all that together is sex life, which makes perfect sense to call it "sex addiction";
3. I am sorry to say that, challenged, but I personally find your attitude a dangerous one; if your P addiction is isolated, then my congrats to you, but my own experience, and the experience of the prevailing group here is that PMO addiction is a tip of the iceberg, where people really do not know what healthy sexually is and they have to build that from scratch -> this applies particularly to those who started PMO very early and that group is massive;
4. also, on the pure symptoms perspective, many guys start with PMO and their behaviour starts to spin around, including oggling, fantasizing, dating sites, prostitutes' sites, and then spin further to involve actually meeting those people, going to those prostitutes and so on; I don't say all addicts do that, but I think all are in danger;
5. that said, I acknowledge that their is a group here who had a healthy (?) sex life, which was subsequently ruined by P only; those are usually a bit older guys who were saved by the fact that technology wasn't that advanced in their youth.
I just hope that we all help ourselves.
This place is made for fruitful discussion, and assistance, and consolation.
So let's not bicker over semantics too much
Best to all!!!
J.
Thumbs up!jkkk said:Mbg and challenged -> I have no interest to act as an arbitator in your dispute, although this is a think I do a lot at work.
But.
I guess this really is individual thing.
I will not make much to hide that I lean more towards Mbg's position. This my view and here is why I think so:
1. this is all not sex addiction, not porn addiction, but DOPAMINE addiction (I would maybe add sexually themed dopamine addiction); and this is not a semantic thing: all of us, we're addicted to DOPAMINE, really, the only difference is what you hit to get the dopamine spike;
2. the differentiation doesn't speak to me: P involves M usually and all that together is sex life, which makes perfect sense to call it "sex addiction";
3. I am sorry to say that, challenged, but I personally find your attitude a dangerous one; if your P addiction is isolated, then my congrats to you, but my own experience, and the experience of the prevailing group here is that PMO addiction is a tip of the iceberg, where people really do not know what healthy sexually is and they have to build that from scratch -> this applies particularly to those who started PMO very early and that group is massive;
4. also, on the pure symptoms perspective, many guys start with PMO and their behaviour starts to spin around, including oggling, fantasizing, dating sites, prostitutes' sites, and then spin further to involve actually meeting those people, going to those prostitutes and so on; I don't say all addicts do that, but I think all are in danger;
5. that said, I acknowledge that their is a group here who had a healthy (?) sex life, which was subsequently ruined by P only; those are usually a bit older guys who were saved by the fact that technology wasn't that advanced in their youth.
I just hope that we all help ourselves.
This place is made for fruitful discussion, and assistance, and consolation.
So let's not bicker over semantics too much
Best to all!!!
J.