You will relate to.. you are not alone

Mystorie

Member
Hi guys, how are you?

I am going to tell you little bit about my story.

In first hand i am sorry for my grammar errors, English is not my first language.

I finished college this year and i am a male nurse.

So like many guys here, i am 21 years old good looking guy and i start watching internet porn when i was 10 years old, didn't think that would affect so much.

So fast forward i lost my virginity when i was 18 years old with a girl that i met in the nightclub, i was i little bit drunk. we did sex and i could not ejaculate, like we did sex maybe for an hour and nothing, i thought that is was normal because i was anxious and drunk. after that first time, it happen again and i was sober.
after that in the summer i did a research, i found out the nofap movement, i did achieve a strike of 120 days, and never felt so good. i did it for the "powers".
In the same year i start dating a girl, we did a lot of sex, like a lot. One time when could meet for a period of time, i started watching porn and masturbate again and watching more fucked up stuff like hard core and shemale . So i was watching porn and having sex, my libido was so high at the time. after 1 year of dating I broke up with her, because i just wasnt feeling nothing, and wanted to be with other people sexually. i slept with more 3 girls after the broke up and still i was watching porn. Some times i tried to do no fap just for the powers.

One day i started dating this beautifull gym girl, she was so hot, like perfect body. i remember the first time we kissed and get intimate, i coulnd get a erection, so i did oral to her and stoped thing there. i was so traumatized that i didnt slept for a week, i was so anxious when i was around her. we eventually had sex but it was a weak erection, the anxiety persisted and i coulnd´t have a erection a lot of times and she always thaught it was beacause of her, like she was naked after a shower around me, and nothing 0 libido. Eventually i started avoiding her because of anxiety, and we broke up. I was so traumatized, i develop HOCD and started thinking i had a problem because i had covid in that same year, and did a lot of exam's and nothing, the doctor prescribed like a type of Viagra.

Lock down hit it and at the time i was doing internship on the hospital, so it was a hard time and to cope with that I emerge on porn.

So after that i start feeling anxious with every girl that i met, and dind´t engage for sexual intimacy for a good time. when i was 20 years old i meet i cute and we start dating. And every time we engaged sexual intimacy, i started to get an erection and the lost it because of anxiety. i told that i and anxiety and trauma and she understood, and because of that had some success erections. But after some months she started to be so jealous that i couldn´t be with my friends that she got mad.
I got so depressed and because of that, getting infected by COVID 3 times at that point, interspersing on hospital and having classes at the same time, I had a born out , and got a lot depressed and anxious. So at the time i didn't have no hope, i started to have suicidal thoughts. But I all ways knew that wasn't the way. So i gave up for 1 month on the internship, broke up with her and went to my parents home (i was living on college).

So after the broke up I passed the last year working out on my mental heath, and it help a lot. I finished college, started working out again (i have a great shape now), but i never stopped watching porn, and i know deep inside that this is the thing that fucked my life.

6 MONTHS AGO i deleted Instagram, it was the best decision that i made.

60 days ago i deleted all social media. 60 days i dont watch porn and masturbate and very aspects in my life is better, i am preparing for a half marathon. 2 weeks ago i ran 17km. i have a job, i read every day,meditate every day, i am taking a complex wound course, workout almost every day, , i am better connect spiritually, i am more connected to people and understood that i don´t need sex and ejaculation to be happy, so the finaly the process of desconneting my brain from the porn is happening.

i am not going to lie is being difficult, some times i have 0 libido, i don t get attracted to girls like i used to, and because that, HOCD hits me a lot, but i am controlling by meditating and reading success stories.


I Understand that this is a way of life, i really want in the future to get married and have a family.

Watching Gabe Deem videos helped me a lot, that i need to start posting on the forum. I have faith, that this is just a fase of my life.

I am going to post more times to train my English to! :)

I want to help other´s overcoming this horrible thing.
 

Daybyday1988

Active Member
thanks for sharing. Had pretty much all of the same experiences that you talk about, not being able to get hard for sex with attractive girls, watching more extreme genres of porn like shemale and gay just to get a better dopamine high etc. Its going to take some time but you are well on your way and so are all of us! if you need accountability let me know, most times its very difficult to say no to PMO early on. Thanks for sharing

-DbD
 

Mystorie

Member
thanks for sharing. Had pretty much all of the same experiences that you talk about, not being able to get hard for sex with attractive girls, watching more extreme genres of porn like shemale and gay just to get a better dopamine high etc. Its going to take some time but you are well on your way and so are all of us! if you need accountability let me know, most times its very difficult to say no to PMO early on. Thanks for sharing

-DbD
Thanks Man, still not PMO. It helps a lot when people supports, just like you did.
The thing that i am most afraid is that, i am never going to be normal again.
I have faith.

That would be nice, we can continuing
posting on each others threads.
 

Mystorie

Member
Some uptades

-Still not PMO, but i had a wet dream, it was wierd.
- I Gave up caffeine because of stress and anxiety, it being hard.
- I am working a lot
- I am i little depressed, low energy. I think that it is, because of the 3 things that i mencioned
 

Daybyday1988

Active Member
thanks for sharing your updates friend. Glad to see you are still PMO free. In the group i went to for awhile, there was an acronym that was often used in order to let everyone know when they were more likely in their life for their addictive behavior (PMO) to creep up and rear its ugly head. The acronym was HALT. it stood for Hungry (or horny), Angry, Lonely, and Tired. The latter is where you are currently at.

Great job in keeping it going during being tired. I work a good amount as well (i have 11 hours per day, 5 days per week associated with getting ready for work, working, and driving home from work) so i get how you feel. Still, one thing that gives me energy constantly is having a good exercise routine. Having a good exercise routine also boosts dopamine receptor amount/density. There was a study done with recovering Meth addicts (meth addicts suffer dopamine imbalances like us) that found that abstinence + exercise was much more effective than just the abstinence alone. here is an excerpt of a website mentioned that, plus addressing your concern about not being able to go back to normal, which i know i definitely worry about that as well by the way.:


Physical exercise and brain recovery after quitting porn…​

In addition, I do agree with my subscribers on the physical exercise.

And here there are even studies made on meth addicts showing how an 8 week exercise regimen helped with up-regulation of dopamine receptors far quicker than for the control group, who didn't do any physical exercise.

This is something I talk more about in the article, can the brain really heal after quitting porn.

But to put it short, if physical exercise can significantly speed up the brains healing process in meth addicts, if will for sure also do so in porn addicts, as meth is far more damaging for the brain than porn.

Will the brain recover to 100% after quitting porn?​

So, will the brain recover fully after quitting porn?

Like, to 100% of what it was before?

Well, as far as the desensitization goes, the good news is that will most likely reverse and heal to 100% just as long as you live an otherwise healthy lifestyle, where you try to limit your exposure to other supernormal stimuli.

Just as a side, however, I personally think that most of us are a bit desensitized just because of the shere amount of stimuli we are constantly bombarded with in today's modern world. But let's say we only get our dopamine system buzzing to about, let's just say 95% as an example, who's to say that's not good
 

Mystorie

Member
Updates:
I am achieving 100 days without P
On the day of 95 i started to masturbate again only with the thoughts of past sexual encounter, it was nice because i didn´t felt the need of using porn to get hard. over all i still feel that masturbating, fantasizing past relationship it is still novelty, so i will continue not faping and not watching P.
I am so happy because i don´t feel the need/urge to watch it.

The bad side is that my thougts OCD got realy bad.
But i got a therapist and i going to start medication, so i am happy that i am taking care of this part.
besides this everything is fine and on track.

Advice to the people that is reading this:
Don´t lose hope, and don´t be afraid to seek professional help.
Thoughts OCD is a real metal disease, and its hard to get over it but it is not impossible.
And it is not going to fade with time, if you dont seek help or knowledge, believe me.
 
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Mystorie

Member
was the OCD you saw the therapist about HOCD that you mentioned in your initial post?
It is included, but the core problem it is Relationship OCD (ROCD).
I also have some traits of obsessive-compulsive personality, Ex: like i always need to be productive, and then i forget to get some proper rest.
I can see that P had effect , on the way i developed this. But is also deeper than this.
The good side it is that i have a good insight. :)

So how are my friend Daybyday, tell me a little bit more about your history!
 

Daybyday1988

Active Member
Aright that makes sense. Well hopefully you are able to work through it and who knows, maybe you can eliminate some of the OCD with some time away from PMO.

sure: been an addict for about 14 years, escalated to gay/trans after I was PMO'ing mostly to gay CL ads. I'm over 90 days clean now and am married with a newborn. Its going to take me well over a year to reach normalcy for me sexually (low libido and serious PIED) I'm sure but I've accepted it and am happy to be having success thank God.
 

Mystorie

Member
Aright that makes sense. Well hopefully you are able to work through it and who knows, maybe you can eliminate some of the OCD with some time away from PMO.

sure: been an addict for about 14 years, escalated to gay/trans after I was PMO'ing mostly to gay CL ads. I'm over 90 days clean now and am married with a newborn. Its going to take me well over a year to reach normalcy for me sexually (low libido and serious PIED) I'm sure but I've accepted it and am happy to be having success thank God.
First of all congratulations for the newborn! i am sure that we are going to succeed, the key word that I learn over this period time is patience, enjoy every aspect of the journey the bad days and good days. And it is on the bad days that we grow.

So where are you from?
 

TakeActionNow

Respected Member
I'm over 90 days clean now and am married with a newborn.

@Mystorie
Sorry to hijack this thread but anyway @Daybyday1988 awesome congratulations on your newborn. Your child will be your savoir, just like mine is. When we give them our full love and attention, they return us with unconditional love. It is this unconditional love that is the true medicine that we need to heal all the brokenness within us.

I admit my child's first 2 years was tough. My marriage almost didn't make it. But I survived by the narrowest of margin and now I reap the rewards of a most beautiful and loving child. I persisted because I made my child more important than me, and now. I am clean because with my child's love I don't need any other attention. I have all the reasons to become better.

Let your child show you the way towards love and recovery. You are truly blessed!
 

Daybyday1988

Active Member
@Mystorie
Sorry to hijack this thread but anyway @Daybyday1988 awesome congratulations on your newborn. Your child will be your savoir, just like mine is. When we give them our full love and attention, they return us with unconditional love. It is this unconditional love that is the true medicine that we need to heal all the brokenness within us.

I admit my child's first 2 years was tough. My marriage almost didn't make it. But I survived by the narrowest of margin and now I reap the rewards of a most beautiful and loving child. I persisted because I made my child more important than me, and now. I am clean because with my child's love I don't need any other attention. I have all the reasons to become better.

Let your child show you the way towards love and recovery. You are truly blessed!

Thanks for sharing that. I feel the same way. When we choose to live our lives for others, particularly our family, it becomes much easier to forego the selfish things we used to do with the P problem. I'm striving to be a good example for my son and shutter to think of how I would feel if he found out that I was continuing in a P addiction after he was born.
 

TakeActionNow

Respected Member
I'm striving to be a good example for my son and shutter to think of how I would feel if he found out that I was continuing in a P addiction after he was born.
@Daybyday1988
I intend to be open with my child about addiction when the time comes. I intend to have an open and honest relationship.

Going clean immediately has benefits. We are automatically more attentive and present. They can feel this. It is this that build our relationship stronger and healthier. It is our trust with each other that binds us together.

I don't fear the future when I live my present well.

You know, it's ironic I grew up in a time when porn or soft mags were stacked in our parent's room next to Times and Newsweek. It was "normal". Well, so much for that. I don't know how "woke" our kids will be when they grow up. I shudder on that thought 😂

Anyway, I know you'll make an excellent father!
 
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Daybyday1988

Active Member
@Daybyday1988
I intend to be open with my child about addiction when the time comes. I intend to have an open and honest relationship.

Going clean immediately has benefits. We are automatically more attentive and present. They can feel this. It is this that build our relationship stronger and healthier. It is our trust with each other that binds us together.

I don't fear the future when I live my present well.

You know, it's ironic I grew up in a time when porn or soft mags were stacked in our parent's room next to Times and Newsweek. It was "normal". Well, so much for that. I don't know how "woke" our kids will be when they grow up. I shudder on that thought 😂

Anyway, I know you'll make an excellent father!

thanks my man i appreciate it. i definitely would agree with educating the kids on addiction and all the stuff we now know about it. I think it will serve as a way to sort of develop immunity against the wrong viewpoints surrounding Cornography, namely things like "oh it is healthy" or a "harmless past time."

Thanks for the complement, i already love being a dad.
 

Tracker

Member
Aright that makes sense. Well hopefully you are able to work through it and who knows, maybe you can eliminate some of the OCD with some time away from PMO.

sure: been an addict for about 14 years, escalated to gay/trans after I was PMO'ing mostly to gay CL ads. I'm over 90 days clean now and am married with a newborn. Its going to take me well over a year to reach normalcy for me sexually (low libido and serious PIED) I'm sure but I've accepted it and am happy to be having success thank God.
Hi,I've been addicted for 20 years,I'm up to 110 days,have low libido and pied for 7 years ruined my marriage.
Yes I think I might take a year or 2 to recover.Sometimes I feel like I never will be normal again.But I'm happy I'm no longer looking at porn and pmo
 
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