Unbusting my balls

[TryingHarder]

My goals are to stop PMO, remove PA, build confidence and support healthy sleeping and fitness habits.

Good luck, BrassBalls707. Speaking as a middle-aged man (55 in April) I'll give you the same advice I have posted for other young men: it's so important that you beat the addiction now when you're young. Otherwise, it will continue to be a negative part of your life for many years. I was addicted to porn for longer than you've been alive.

Do whatever you can to bust up the trail of breadcrumbs that lead you back to porn. Limit your time online, start a new hobby, re-arrange your closet, keep your phone out of reach past a certain time of the evening, etc. You're better than a starving lion looking at some sleazy wounded bison. Enjoy a much healthier meal!

 

[BrassBalls707]

Good luck, BrassBalls707. Speaking as a middle-aged man (55 in April) I'll give you the same advice I have posted for other young men: it's so important that you beat the addiction now when you're young. Otherwise, it will continue to be a negative part of your life for many years. I was addicted to porn for longer than you've been alive.

Do whatever you can to bust up the trail of breadcrumbs that lead you back to porn. Limit your time online, start a new hobby, re-arrange your closet, keep your phone out of reach past a certain time of the evening, etc. You're better than a starving lion looking at some sleazy wounded bison. Enjoy a much healthier meal!

I am well on my way to applying what you say and I agree. This is not something I want to actively work on when I am older when I have different stressors. Although I accept that I am at risk for the rest of my life and need to stay conscious of it for some time yet to come. Old habits die hard as they say, I'm sure you see the merit in that saying.

I am going to reflect further on this "trail of breadcrumbs" as you said.

I turned 24 today, and these supportive messages I can appreciate like gifts.

Thank you for the inspiring words!

There is also something funny about someone calling me by the joke name I chose
Brass is fine, members here don't have much choice than to call me anything other than that haha

 

[TryingHarder]

I am going to reflect further on this "trail of breadcrumbs" as you said.

I found it was super important for me to reflect on this (and I continue to reflect on it). What are the triggers? What was I doing when I got the urge to look at porn? When was it? What can I do differently next time? How can I modify my usual routine? A lot of things shape our minds and lead us into bad behaviour.

 

[BrassBalls707]

Day 26

I feel myself slipping as I maintained less of the good habits I want to build. I survived today however, and tomorrow is a new day.

Onwards.

 

[BrassBalls707]

Day 27

Today I slipped further unfortunately, and was struck with deep regret late in the evening. I try to reassure myself that what was accomplished is good, but it is hard. I have the feeling I can not trust myself to take things easy. My slothful self takes over, I worry, I cope and risk relapse. Once again, tomorrow is a new day.

I must and I will start out my day with a practice for conscientiousness like meditation.

Onwards.

 

[MapleSyrup]

Thank you for the kind words. If you don't mind me asking: what was your process for replacing those habits? What did you replace them with?

The binge drinking and self-harm were the first things that I quit. My therapist really drilled it into my head early on about how damaging those habits can be, and helped me come up with adaptive replacement habits - working out, running, and short-term stress reduction techniques like box breathing and body scanning.

Obviously the porn-use took a lot longer to quit. In the end, it came down to working out or hanging out with friends more often at night, so that I could avoid spending hours in bed browsing before sleeping. I also like to do things like journaling, or posting here, as a distraction when I get urges at night, or when I feel anxious before bed.

Wishing you best of luck! Keep it up

 

[BrassBalls707]

Day 28

Had a rough day focus-wise but managed to apply mindfulness practices as I said to great effect. It is hard to be satisfied with yourself if you consistently underperform to your expectations. This kept me occupied most of the day. I experienced an urge that originated from boredom, I tolerated it and it went away.

Onwards.

 

[BrassBalls707]

Day 30

I made it to one month, but the allure of porn stays strong. As long as I 'refresh' it in my mind, it feels like I will never be able to release myself from its pull. I started going to a mental health professional again, the same one I had gone to before. We're working some other things out, and I'll apply what I learn to my porn addiction as they are closely linked.

I have been having doubts about masturbation in general. I've talked to close friends about it and I've looked at papers that mentioned its benefits and downsides. If it is done without external stimulation from porn, without a firm grip and in moderation (like once a week or month at most), it doesn't seem like there are downsides. Recovering addicts are even told by professionals that in order to regain a normal sensitivity and improve their sex life they need to adjust their habits around masturbation. Im addition to that, it seems like abstinence from masturbation is like punishing your biologial state. Surely that libido, drive and urge to mate serves a purpose, I just don't know what that exactly is in today's world.

I know I am playing the advocate of the devil here, and I recognize that it is a dangerous avenue of thought for a recovering porn addict. I would much rather figure out how to learn to live without masturbation, and apply the lessons I've learned in doing so elsewhere.

I know personally though that I could never manage masturbation moderation or slipping back to porn binging, so "Could I maintain a healthy relationship with masturbation?" is not a question I want to ask myself.

I started seeing someone, and I am anxious about the challenges that this will bring. I remember not having issues in the past despite having poor PMO habits. At worst I was insensitive, which makes sense after the abuse and conditioning I put myself through (death grip and escalating preferences).

I believe I could have enjoyed sex much more though, but I don't exactly know what goal I am shooting for there. Maybe that's something to look forward to it the future, unexpected benefits.


Onwards.

 

[TryingHarder]

I made it to one month, but the allure of porn stays strong. As long as I 'refresh' it in my mind, it feels like I will never be able to release myself from its pull.

This is something I think we all go through. It's tough not to refresh, but you have to do your best to shut those thoughts down. When it happens to me, I usually take a few moments and repeat my mantra: Forget them. Forget their names, forget their faces. You never had sex with them. They are not your friends. They don't exist. You might want to take a similar approach, or just remind yourself that porn will always be a dead end, even the memory of it is a waste of time.

 

[BrassBalls707]

Day 38

I have just returned from a short vacation and experienced no urges whatsoever. Now that I am back home I had the experience of just one. The struggle had evaporated from my mind like snow in the sun but I am conscious of it now again.

I am continuing taking the measures I have been, and am confident I can keep this up. I haven't thought on it more since last report, so this is all I have to share. I felt the need to post though to keep it at the front of my mind.

Burning darts and puffing clouds,

Onwards

 

[BrassBalls707]

Day 39

I had a close call after being in private and having alcohol in my system. I am not a fan of my behavior, tendencies and thoughts when I am tipsy or drunk by myself, so I will concede to only drinking and sleeping in company.

Even then, I think it may be worthwhile to consider switching to non-alcoholic alternatives or alcohol-free beer in general.

I reminded myself today that I am not in a good state of mind when using PMO, and that I have proven to myself to be unable of moderating its use. I don't want to let it affect my healthy habits and goals. I also realized I do not want to lose my streak. These thoughts helped me snap back and seize control.

I will think more on the when, why and how of the urges I had today and report on those soon.

 

[BrassBalls707]

I've been dreading acknowledging it but I relapsed shortly after the last post. Everything kind of went downhill from there, although I continue to not take my phone to bed. I've PMO'd innumerable times since then but I am confident that posting here again is enough to get me into an updraft. I honestly forgot why I relapsed in the first place, but I assume it was alcohol and having had a tense day. I'm not entirely sure, but that's what I'm also here for. My sleep has suffered immensely, and during a drowsy trip on the train just now I again admitted that I can't go on like this.

Resuming daily reports here. 30 days, I'll move the goalpost from there.

 

[BrassBalls707]

Day 4

Late with the check in and missed some opportunities for self reflection and training my awareness.

I experienced some urges but managed to put them aside. I read some old posts in this thread and read that someone used a mantra to snap out of it quicker. I believe mine is: "Porn is a waste of time." Not profound but effective in my case.