Is there any hobbies that you engage in or career path that could bring you that peace and contentedness that PMO brings?
Yeah, I do believe I have two hobbies that qualify. I think I'm just so stuck on believing my value is determinded by academic and professional success that nothing I do seems to change my self worth. I'm desperate for my self worth to be intrinsic. In the moments I understand this, I am truly satisfied, but these feel like mere glimpses. These moments are frighteningly temporary. I think this has to do with what people (parents, family, friends) tell me about how they understand life, and I internalize these admonishments like expectations placed upon me. Expectations I'm not motivated or inclined to live up to. This is how it's always been for me. The term "learned helplessness" comes to mind.
Furthermore, I'm bouncing between the ideas that these disproportionate feelings of guilt and shame are the result of different things. I mean to say that I think my desire for peace and contentedness is not of a lack of fulfilling hobbies. Those unfulfilled expectations I have seem to trigger some unresolved traumatic response that paralyzes me, pulling the rug out from under me. Or, they are caused by my own abilities (emotional processing) and this is a normal human experience I can't deal with. In either case, something feels broken and I imagine PMO was some kind of bandaid that's been ripped off. Now the wound seems to be airing out, it's exposed and despite having the curatives necessary I can't seem to use them to their full effect. Like I am getting in their way. It feels like a meaningless suffering because after each period I feel better or normal, I inevitably sink back to how I felt before. Am I simply not learning my lesson? Is it my fault for falling into some pattern?
It's always these ups and downs, which you've talked about before and I accept and understand that in life but nothing is changing long term for me (I'll think more on this, because that can't be true, right?). This has been consistent in the past 4 years. The only difference is, I recently swore off porn and am mindful of my technology use. These are good things and have given me the opportunity to address it all like I am now. It just feels so overwhelming and terrible. I imagine the benefits thereof will require more time to show themselves.
Know that I am grateful for your messages because they (in)directly give me a lot of valuable things to think about, in addition to giving me hope for the future.
I have a few passions, mostly in line with my career goals at the moment, that have tremendously helped me out these last six years since I've been more or less clean.
You raise a compelling idea. I have two passions of which I am in a position in to make a career of (at least a hustle). I think I should give these more thought as well. I often get in my own way, through overthinking and the paradox of choice, or not being confident in my abilities (lots of experience with failure). Like I disqualify myself without even giving anything an honest shot
. How did you personally line up passions with career goals? Did the passions come first and then the career goals, or the other way around?
to make the transition from PMO highs to normal and healthy long term highs. One is short term and outright insane in its temporary sensations and pleasure, but afterwards, bringing its utter destruction and feelings of shame, while the other brings true confidence and strength, but it has yet to be as exhilarating in the moment day by day.
I agree. I am chasing a baseline or 'balance' in sensations and pleasure, mostly stimulating that peace and contentedness. Videogames, substances like weed and alcohol, PMO... Any and all of the low-hanging fruit or easy fixes. I think for me, my largest challenge will be moderating my reaction and use of common sources of pleasure. Now, I tend to feel paranoid at the prospect of hanging out with friends or going to a party. I think: "What if I get offered alcohol?" or "What if we want to play videogames?". Nowadays I even get anxious about meeting women because it may keep my PMO triggers 'alive'. How do you personnally react to opportunities for short term pleasure? I'm not talking about anything sexual per se, but also activities or substances that provide an artifical pleasure.
I've been reading a book called Atomic Habits and it's been getting at the heart of this problem. Check it out if you've never read it before. It's an easy read so far.
I've downloaded the book to my ereader. I'm getting into it today, thanks for the recommendation.
- Put phone out of sight.
- Reflect on my relationship with videogames, porn, medication or sleep.
- Morning and bedtime routines.
- Put phone out of sight.
- Gratitude journaling.
