Unbusting my balls

[BrassBalls707]

Day 89/90

I'm a day off from 3 months, that's one-fourth of a year 'free' from PMO. It honestly doesn't feel like an achievement because I found the last weeks far easier. I feel like I grew a lot as a person over the past three months. Using the Reboot Nation forum journal spurred me on to make more time to reflect and apply my considerations. For me it means creating order from chaos. Without the forum or a journal to keep track, I'd feel worse, having lost something of value. I bet that if I were to stop journaling and forget, I'd begin to wonder why I'd feel worse off . I don't consider myself self-actualized, but I do feel like this is the right way to approximate self-actualisation.

That aside, I experienced no urges and entertained no thoughts today. I was quite set on my productivity app and my daily goals towards habits and attaining a sustainable, healthy lifestyle. The app I use includes more than what is listed below, but there is significant overlap. Meditation remains hard to place, which is a dumb excuse. It's the one most flexible thing. You only need yourself to do it and a lack of things begging your attention. Currently, that's nothing. It's simply the dread of having to tolerate boredom that drives me to postpone it. Things like journaling I do at the end of the day because they are in essence a review thereof. There's far more pressure to do those then. It's hard to put pressure on a breathing exercise that brings peace. That feels counterintuitive?

There's also a lingering cluster or knot of negative feelings in my chest that wants to avoid my attention. At that point, attacking other tasks or habitual actions feel easier than the alternative (sitting down to meditate, wooo scary!). This negative knot may likely be a symptom of fatigue. I did sleep poorly today, lots of waking up and falling back asleep or being semi-conscious. This knot is recurring, but I've had it disappear on occasion. It believe it may be anxiety which can be cured with meditation or intimacy (like hugging which releases oxytocin and counters anxiety). When I'm sleep deficient my conscientiousness is compromised, which prompts me to act incongruently with my desire and consequently makes me feel guilty or worried for my future. ("At this pace, I won't become who I want to be! Everyone will think xyz about me! I'll backslide to being like I was before, oh no!")

My medication also drives me away from proper action and thought. That is to say, when my medication wears off, my behaviors and thoughts worsen. I can't take it past 6pm because it interferes with sleep, so for now I need to bear in mind that evenings and nights are going to be far harder than the rest of the day. This realization brings comfort, especially because it is congruent with the fact that I used to PMO-relapse most often in the evening/at night.

So to summarize:
1. The sun goes down (time)
2. I get fatigued (sleep habit and time)
3. My medication wears out (ADD/motivation)

--> I become compromised and unmotivated

I think all I need to do to prepare for this hit to my mood is... meditate! Perhaps a mantra is in place?

"Even though the sun has settled, this does not mean I should. This moment matters in spite of what my mood and thoughts tell me. My medication won't help me either now, so sit, breathe and focus."​

I'll workshop it.

Funny, after leading my resistance back to "Just do it." or "There is a time for thinking and a time for action." I am far more motivated to meditate, so I will do that now . (I believe my practices to be more positive and self-motivating are paying off.)

Onwards to 90 fellas.

JUST DO IT!

Changes:
- Put phone out of sight.
- Morning and bedtime routines.
- Meditate.
- Gratitude journaling.
- Reduce gaming to a maximum of one hour per day.
- Reflect on my relationship with videogames, porn, medication or sleep.

Sleep duration:
- 9h09

 

[BrassBalls707]

Day 90/90

No urge but normal morning wood today. No PMO. 90 days reached. Adding another month and moving the goalpost. I still have to review my day 30-90 journal reports for any information to summarize. I also still want to revise my 30 days post, as my view or understanding has changed. For the time being, I wrote some of my insights down regarding my sexual interests and where I think they came from. I also researched some things about hormones that are porn-use related. If moderators think it's triggering or doesn't belong on the site, feel free to remove it.

I wasn't stressed or anxious today, so I didn't feel the need to meditate. This is a sorry excuse though, I want to meditate even when things are going well. Meditation isn't just a curative solution, it's also a tool for prevention.

I'm going to continue reporting despite feeling confident.

Onwards.

Changes:
- Put phone out of sight.
- Morning and bedtime routines.
- Meditate.
- Gratitude journaling.
- Reduce gaming to a maximum of one hour per day.
- Reflect on my relationship with videogames, porn, medication or sleep.

Sleep duration:
- 8h08

 

[BrassBalls707]

I read research regarding sexual perversion such as paraphilias and connected it to porn-induced sexual interests. I reflected and realized the reasons for most of my interests before my reboot, especially those that surface in urges now still. Obviously, I'm not going into what these were but I can say that there were a few sources. Understanding these is undoubtedly going to help me in the future, namely to return to normal sexual behavior and interests. It's also important to underline that personally, none of them are disorders and significantly impaired me or someone else. I believe that with a consenting partner minor indulgence can be healthy for intimate relationships.

Personally, I think understanding your pornographic interests from before (or during) your reboot can help facilitate rebooting. I understand approaching that subject is dangerous during a reboot, so if you aren't confident in your ability to put up resistance you probably shouldn't investigate it.

I used a list of paraphilias online to start. I then re-listed those I've engaged with aspects of through pornography. Through reading research specific to those sexual disorders I realized my inclinations were conditioned and not the result of any disorder. I do believe negative experiences or trauma can contribute to atypical tastes.

Cultural.
Personally, I've been exposed to content of atypical sexual interests. I believe I then positively conditioned myself through MO (reward circuit) to prefer aspects thereof or unconsciously associate them with emotional regulation (anxiety relief etc). Through a lack of alternative coping mechanisms, regulating my own behavior came to tragically include excessive PMO use. When this were going poorly for me (or simply out of habit), porn came to the 'rescue'.


The prevalence of the paraphilia-focused content was entirely dependant on the quality. That is to say, I used to watch what 'looked/sounded best'.
E.g. in the case of recorded pornography: if the camerawork is shaky, the audio is grating, the acting is unconvincing... then I would not watch it.
As a result, my inclination could be completely driven by the type of pornography the website showed and those that made it. I'd look for long periods of time for 'the perfect video' and lose track of time. It also pushed me to find alternatives as more porn became a 'premium' product I refused to pay for.

With the advent of animated and fictional pornography this made it easier for a variety to be mass-produced. Artists would do so by their own impulse but more often by being commissioned. The pornography is then tailored to the individual or group requesting it in exchange for digital patronage. With AI, people can now generate pornographic material (often far cheaper), possibly spreading their own conditioned likes, perversions or sexual disorders across the internet. I imagine this set into action a chain reaction of sexual perversion. Before my reboot I remember being incredibly underwhelmed (visually) when having sex. The tactility (which PMO lacks) was the primary source of pleasure in my experience. Luckily, this tactility surpassed my death-grip syndrome just enough to be able to orgasm. I can imagine that for many men this isn't case...
This is all tragic, because intercourse has a visual component too. You absolutely brick yours by remaining a PMO-addict. In my opinion, rebooting is therefore necessary to function normally.

Besides simply not exposing myself to pornography, there's nothing for me to do here. The spread of pornography is a societal problem I don't have the bandwidth to solve at the individual level.

Personal.
I realized that my affinity to some specific sexual interests came from a lack of self-esteem and experiences related to rejection or debasement of work, effort... In a nutshell, my integrity as a motivated student was relentlessly attacked by teachers in my teens. This was combined with romantic rejection and a lack of social support or meaningful friendships. Looking back, I am appalled by the things I used to fantasize, seek, think... I must have felt so humiliated, ashamed etc that I forced this emotional numbness upon myself through PMO and videogames to survive. Both addictions that cause anhedonia, the inability to feel pleasure.

Addictions increase dopamine release in synapses, and neurons countercompensate for increased dopamine by removing receptors. When the addiction isn't engaged, any smidge of dopamine released thereafter will provide only a weak signal or none at all. Naturally, I became depressed. Nothing but porn and videogames 'cut it' for me. Addictions also short circuit our motivation for corrective action when negative emotions arise. So instead of striving to be more confident, to stand up for myself, to seek help, to find other hobbies... I instead tolerated it and washed it away with addictions. Time and time again. I can't imagine living like that anymore. I would fight to the death before returning to that lifestyle.

I don't blame my past self for desensitizing and impairing myself with PMO. At the time I did not know any better, I do now. Currently I regard those instances in three ways:

1. a subconscious way to synthesize minor and or major trauma, for the purpose of resolving it
2. maladaptively attaining normal desires (intimacy, validation...)
3. emotional regulation

I've made considerable progress resolving past traumas and negative experiences (therapy), in addition to forming healthier habits (meditation) for emotional regulation. I've also made steps towards being more self-validating (gratitude journaling). It's for these reason I believe to be doing well in my reboot. Without those in my life, my desire for PMO would be far stronger.

Hijacking
I've posted fragments of the text below in relation to hormones but I wrote this up some time ago to post and never did. What I read in papers seems to reflect my experiences, so I'm leaving it here in my own journal for posterity. Don't take my word for it all, I'm a layman.

Porn causes a hormonal release of dopamine and norepinephrine that motivates human behavior towards sex. Unfortunately, the brain does not differentiate between anticipating sex and looking at porn, so it functions in the same way. Porn is a one-man act, and that is something the brain can not take into account.

In an intimate encounter you have the accompanied, additional release of oxytocin from eye contact, touch, hugging and physical sex.

Tragically, a high level of oxytocin is associated with feelings of trust and connectedness. It even makes you more resistant to stress and addiction by its merit of neuromodulation. This hormone also allows you to achieve a more peaceful state, faster. Apparently it even increases your sense of self-worth. This aligns with our experiences. I mean, I don't need to cite a scientific paper to convince you that physical sex makes you feel more confident than using porn by yourself.

In short, porn induces a problematic, partial activation of the brain's central nervous system. In effect, with porn you're triggering the brain's "path to sex" and then going off-road (hijacking). Your brain does what it's made to do, motivate you to have sex. There is an increase in dopamine and norepinephrine, a pleasurable experience. However, the sex never comes.

PMO is a joke without a punchline. An entertaining and exhilarating event with no appropriate (neurochemical) conclusion...

In other words, porn allows us to hijack the brain's toolkit for procreation. This hostile takeover makes us feel satisfied, motivated and calm. It's not just the porn our brains want, it's the full package. As part of rebooting, it's our lack of these feelings that needs to be addressed. By renewing our efforts towards achieving sustainable satisfaction, motivation and peace we will lower the desire to experience these feelings elsewhere. I.e. you can't consume more (porn) when you've had a (ful)filling meal(/experience).

 

[BrassBalls707]

Day 91/120

Nothing to report PMO wise. I'm also reviewing my former reports to summarize potential nuggets of wisdom. Until then, short posts probably.
Going strong, no sign of stopping.

Onwards.

Changes:
- Put phone out of sight.
- Morning and bedtime routines.
- Meditate.
- Gratitude journaling.
- Reduce gaming to a maximum of one hour per day.
- Reflect on my relationship with videogames, porn, medication or sleep.

Sleep duration:
- 7h49

 

[Blondie]

Congrats @BrassBalls707 on 90 days porn-free! That is a hell of an achievement.

 

[BrassBalls707]

Day 92/120

I'm miffed I didn't get my 8 hours of sleep, but I can't do everything all the time, every time. My efforts elsewhere speak for themselves so I need to let myself be satisfied with the results so I don't backslide there. I knew it was going to be a heinous juggling act, but it's getting easier.

No urges today, but there were thoughts when I stumbled onto pictures I was sent at some point. I'm considering limiting social media to two check-ins a day so I unlearn the inclination to check it constantly. It's hard to explain, but I'd summarize it with FOMO + Schrödinger Cat. The only way that urge is satisfied is when you verify. The problem is not that you have any messages or not, the problem is the belief that any messages require your immediate attention. As a late bloomer, I already feel like I've missed out on a lot. Media has only exacerbated this sentiment. 24/7 communication through a constant feed of people's life events dominate your attention to the point you lose perspective on your own life events. For me, the events I experience are not processed or resolved to satisfaction. That is if I'm even 'living' them in the first place and not simply going through the motions. A lot of personal improvements were made easier by or were the result of accepting I 'missed out'. I do believe I can internalize this even more, and further focus on the time I am spending and am yet to spend in the future. That will allow me to reduce social media use more.

"Comparison is the thief of joy."

I think this is sentiment is also bloated by my starved desire of wanting to be seen and accepted. I know these are human desires, but much like PMO is a false positive for intimacy, trust and connectedness, social media is a false positive for validation and acceptance. Luckily, I believe both can be achieved by my own actions and thoughts. This gives me hope.

"Nothing will ruin your 20s more than thinking you should have your life together already."

On a side note, I'm feeling the call of the bottle. I think my sleep fatigue is getting to me, and my body is reaching out for easy ways to cope and shut my negative thoughts down. In the absence of sufficient meditation and with an increase of stress normally alleviated with PMO, I can feel the pressure build. I'm attending two parties this week, and I'm mentally preparing to leave both early. To battle negative thoughts and impulses, sleep is all the more sacred. It's about setting myself up for success the day after, about not losing sight of the bigger picture while also enjoying the transcience of the moment.

"It's okay to be sad after making the right decision."

I gave myself the false expectation that making right decisions should feel good.

Ending on a positive note, I intend to go to these parties for only half as long as others but to enjoy them at least twice as much. Perhaps as a result from Gratitude Journaling, I feel compelled to ask myself in the present "What am I grateful for, right here right now?". Oftentimes, this puts my attention to the many things around and I can feel a snapshot memory forming. It's great.



Onwards.

Changes:
- Put phone out of sight.
- Morning and bedtime routines.
- Meditate.
- Gratitude journaling.
- Reduce gaming to a maximum of one hour per day.
- Reflect on my relationship with videogames, porn, medication or sleep.

Sleep duration:
- 7h59

 

[BrassBalls707]

Day 93/120

I'm beginning to understand how much my lifestyle must change for me to truly prioritize sleep. I stayed at last night's outing for an hour longer, I stayed up late at home regardless... Little expenditures of time added up to me going to bed after 3AM. I find it quite obsessive I want the same sleep every single day and it bothers me (both that I am determined and not achieving it). That feeling of "bothers me" is most likely cognitive dissonance. To fully annihilate that opportunity which sleep deficiency present to PMO and other bad habits, I need to renew my efforts.

That aside, no urges or thoughts. Being more social and unashamed of expressing myself has helped tremendously. It's like venting off pressure from the 'lust-valve' or something. For me, it seems to decrease urges and staying isolated increases them.

Changes:
- Put phone out of sight.
- Morning and bedtime routines.
- Meditate.
- Gratitude journaling.
- Reduce gaming to a maximum of one hour per day.
- Reflect on my relationship with videogames, porn, medication or sleep.

Sleep duration:
- 9h09

 

[BrassBalls707]

Day 94/120

No urges. Busy all day. Spent some time reviewing my reports thus far, chores, etc.



Changes:
- Put phone out of sight.
- Morning and bedtime routines.
- Meditate.
- Gratitude journaling.
- Reduce gaming to a maximum of one hour per day.
- Reflect on my relationship with videogames, porn, medication or sleep.

Sleep duration:
- 7h46

 

[BrassBalls707]

Day 95/120

Doing well no-PMO wise, but my sleep is really suffering. I need to step up, this is getting out of hand and compromising other things...

Onwards.

Changes:
- Put phone out of sight.
- Morning and bedtime routines.
- Meditate.
- Gratitude journaling.
- Reduce gaming to a maximum of one hour per day.
- Reflect on my relationship with videogames, porn, medication or sleep.

Sleep duration:
- 7h12

 

[BrassBalls707]

Day 96/120

I'm making terrible estimations for time and planning and I feel behind on everything. I look forward to meditating and letting it all settle, I'm so fed up with feeling stressed and wanting to cope. I have to set better expectations of myself instead of disappointing them constantly by shooting too high.

Changes:
- Put phone out of sight.
- Morning and bedtime routines.
- Meditate.
- Gratitude journaling.
- Reduce gaming to a maximum of one hour per day.
- Reflect on my relationship with videogames, porn, medication or sleep.

Sleep duration:
- 6h10

 

[BrassBalls707]

Day 96/120 (09/12/2024)

Changes:
- Put phone out of sight.
- Morning and bedtime routines.
- Meditate.
- Gratitude journaling.
- Reduce gaming to a maximum of one hour per day.
- Reflect on my relationship with videogames, porn, medication or sleep.

Sleep duration:
- 9h12

 

[BrassBalls707]

Day 97/120

Busy. I feel bad not typing out more. I'm doing so now because I don't know if I'll have time later today. I believe that's better than postponing it and/or forgetting it. In the end, I can still come back to edit this report and add more thoughts. So there's no need to feel bad )


Changes:
- Put phone out of sight.
- Morning and bedtime routines.
- Meditate.
- Gratitude journaling.
- Reduce gaming to a maximum of one hour per day.
- Reflect on my relationship with videogames, porn, medication or sleep.

Sleep duration:
- 9h08

 

[BrassBalls707]

Day 98/120

I had a productive day and figured I'd reward myself. Right after that feeling surfaced, I thought "I'll just wank then.". This just goes to show that no matter how well you are doing, the marks that addiction left dig deep. 10 years of addiction. That's 3650 days. 98 days of sobriety is just 1/37th of that time. It'll take longer to get it out of my system, and it's unfair to expect it to go any faster.

Changes:
- Put phone out of sight.
- Morning and bedtime routines.
- Meditate.
- Gratitude journaling.
- Reduce gaming to a maximum of one hour per day.
- Reflect on my relationship with videogames, porn, medication or sleep.

Sleep duration:
- 9h01

 

[BrassBalls707]

Day 99/120

No urges, no thoughts. Doing well all things considered.

Changes:
- Put phone out of sight.
- Morning and bedtime routines.
- Meditate.
- Gratitude journaling.
- Reduce gaming to a maximum of one hour per day.
- Reflect on my relationship with videogames, porn, medication or sleep.

Sleep duration:
- 9h48

 

[Blondie]

100 days man, that is amazing!

Keep inspiring.

 

[BrassBalls707]

Day 100/120

I have food poisoning. On survival mode rn.

 

[DIMA-NBA]

Sorry to hear about the food poisoning @BrassBalls707 I salute you for reaching the 100 days milestone! I believe you can continue killing it, based on your detailed plans and goals you share here in your journal man. Wishing you a PMO free weekend

 

[BrassBalls707]

Sorry to hear about the food poisoning @BrassBalls707 I salute you for reaching the 100 days milestone! I believe you can continue killing it, based on your detailed plans and goals you share here in your journal man. Wishing you a PMO free weekend

Thanks! It's ironic to me that the three digit milestone is celebrated in my current state. Trust me when I say this: the last thing I want to do is lose more bodily fluids than I already am. I want to enjoy the hydration of a glass of water without the prospect of my body rejecting it down the line. It's Tantalus torture / punishment

Have a great PMO free weekend too buddy.

 

[BrassBalls707]

Completely deregulated. Trying to get my habits back on track. Also dealing with unstable living situation but I am confident it will be alright. I'm editing this post when I can set aside proper time. Past bedtime is not the time, it just sets me up poorly for tomorrow if I decide to do it justice now.

 

[BrassBalls707]

Day 104/120

So I got sick, I moved, I cancelled plans, I stepped out of a 2-year collaborative hobby project to give myself space, I went to job councillor meetings, I got different medication et cetera et cetera but in general I dropped the ball. Sleep suffered, didn't meditate, didn't journal as much but I'm confident.

I'm shifting gears. It'll take more time to build good momentum and that's okay.

I'm not gonna bother with the habit tracking below, I'm using an app for that already. Besides, I forgot most of it so it won't be accurate. If I notice myself slipping up bad I'll start putting them down here again.

Onwards.