BrassBalls707
Active Member
Day 29/30
Unbusting my balls
- Thread starter BrassBalls707
- Start date
BrassBalls707
Active Member
Day 30/30
I have no new insights, but I often remind myself of the lessons I've learned regarding a compromised mind. The routine I've been trying to build and maintain has been up-ended because of vacation and time-sensitive house renovations. Things like sleep deficits, illness, setbacks, unprocessed or resolved negative experiences and emotions... these for example allow triggers to have their way with me and set me on a path to relapse. When I remind myself, it feels like giving myself an 'awareness booster shot'. Despite still suffering the compromised mind, it allows me to snatch victory from the jaws of defeat one trigger at a time. Whereas before I'd get influenced, turned on, motivated (or what have you) towards porn, now I can catch myself. Before experiencing a trigger or during, I think "This is going to trigger me." or "In my current state, I don't trust myself to engage with this content or activity. I will abort this course of action while I still can." and it allows me to reclaim the steering wheel. I think this is great.
I'm heading towards the end of March with this current momentum. I'm keeping myself honest so far, and I'm proud of that too.
Onwards to day 31/60
I have no new insights, but I often remind myself of the lessons I've learned regarding a compromised mind. The routine I've been trying to build and maintain has been up-ended because of vacation and time-sensitive house renovations. Things like sleep deficits, illness, setbacks, unprocessed or resolved negative experiences and emotions... these for example allow triggers to have their way with me and set me on a path to relapse. When I remind myself, it feels like giving myself an 'awareness booster shot'. Despite still suffering the compromised mind, it allows me to snatch victory from the jaws of defeat one trigger at a time. Whereas before I'd get influenced, turned on, motivated (or what have you) towards porn, now I can catch myself. Before experiencing a trigger or during, I think "This is going to trigger me." or "In my current state, I don't trust myself to engage with this content or activity. I will abort this course of action while I still can." and it allows me to reclaim the steering wheel. I think this is great.
I'm heading towards the end of March with this current momentum. I'm keeping myself honest so far, and I'm proud of that too.
Onwards to day 31/60
Last edited:
BrassBalls707
Active Member
Day 31/60
Blondie
Respected Member
Nice job on the 31 days, @BrassBalls707!
BrassBalls707
Active Member
Day 32/60
Nocturnal emission happened again last night. I mislike how it makes me feel like my mind and body betray me. It makes me feel defeated and makes me want to give up. It's as if this is bound to happen anyways, I may as well enjoy it more. Obviously, this thought is a red alert.
I felt taunted today, like my brain was saying:
"Look at what you're giving up! Such a waste! Look at what you made me do! But you want to be a hardass and go through with this, denying this to yourself, stop this self-abuse... I guess this is something you just can't have anymore then... how tragic..."
I fear that it reawakened that fiendish addict in me that just wants to beat the ever-living shit out of their dick for hours. I feel like I'm on thin ice and need to keep a grip more than before. I'm curious to see if this happens less over time or if it's going to be a monthly thing. I'm hoping it's the former so I can go on ignoring PMO. Now those PMO circuits feel active again.
Onwards.
Hi Brass,
I'm glad that you recognized that it was your brain saying this and that, because that is so accurate. It's all the 'lower brain', the animalistic, survival-mode brain suggesting future use of P, PMO. And even the 'PMO circuits' are the same thing. But all this will pass on its own without you having to act out on them. Just ignore these urges and thoughts as 'brain junk', as you're on your way to a more mature self.
As for the nocturnal emissions go, just treat them as strictly physiological phenomenon, even if accompanied by dreams, and don't judge yourself for them. I know you felt defeated in lieu of them, but it's a biological way of releasing things and keeping the 'flow' of life going. Yes, it may awaken certain urges, but they'll pass. Just separate this from the rest of your reboot or recovery.
You got this.
I'm glad that you recognized that it was your brain saying this and that, because that is so accurate. It's all the 'lower brain', the animalistic, survival-mode brain suggesting future use of P, PMO. And even the 'PMO circuits' are the same thing. But all this will pass on its own without you having to act out on them. Just ignore these urges and thoughts as 'brain junk', as you're on your way to a more mature self.
As for the nocturnal emissions go, just treat them as strictly physiological phenomenon, even if accompanied by dreams, and don't judge yourself for them. I know you felt defeated in lieu of them, but it's a biological way of releasing things and keeping the 'flow' of life going. Yes, it may awaken certain urges, but they'll pass. Just separate this from the rest of your reboot or recovery.
You got this.
BrassBalls707
Active Member
Day 33/60
BrassBalls707
Active Member
Day 34/60
Small rant: despite fun plans and uncountable small wins, I had a headache all day and I felt desires to cope arise. My sleep was disturbed and so I paid for something outside my control for the entire day, it makes me fucking pissed. And to top it off I have no patience or strength to deal with urges. I'm glad I can rely on my efforts thus far. I'm just going to sulk and seethe for the rest of the day.
So ready to shelf this fucking day. Ugh.
Small rant: despite fun plans and uncountable small wins, I had a headache all day and I felt desires to cope arise. My sleep was disturbed and so I paid for something outside my control for the entire day, it makes me fucking pissed. And to top it off I have no patience or strength to deal with urges. I'm glad I can rely on my efforts thus far. I'm just going to sulk and seethe for the rest of the day.
So ready to shelf this fucking day. Ugh.
BrassBalls707
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Day 35/60
BrassBalls707
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Day 36/60
BrassBalls707
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Day 37/60
BrassBalls707
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Day 38/60
BrassBalls707
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Day 39/60
BrassBalls707
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Day 40/60
I saw a performer on the news and they were wearing suggestive clothing. I guess this was enough to make me whince and remember my efforts in rebooting. I do feel like something is nagging at me after seeing this, and I think it's PMO attempting to get its claws back in me. I feel a desire to look up other people in such clothing etc which would inevitably lead me to PMO. It's manipulative, cause I don't care for it.
Onwards.
I saw a performer on the news and they were wearing suggestive clothing. I guess this was enough to make me whince and remember my efforts in rebooting. I do feel like something is nagging at me after seeing this, and I think it's PMO attempting to get its claws back in me. I feel a desire to look up other people in such clothing etc which would inevitably lead me to PMO. It's manipulative, cause I don't care for it.
Onwards.
BrassBalls707
Active Member
Day 41/60
BrassBalls707
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Day 42/60
BrassBalls707
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Day 43/60
BrassBalls707
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Day 44/60
BrassBalls707
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Day 45/60
BrassBalls707
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Day 46/60