Reading about the link between ADHD, procrastination and overcommitment, I learned that I may gravitate towards behaviors that raise my wakefulness in an otherwise understimulating world. Where procrastination and overcommitment raise adrenaline, porn undoubtedly raises dopamine. It provides a tremendously appealing visual input and just like raising adrenaline, makes me feel alive.
In other words, I believe my brain recognizes porn as an opportunity to satisfy the need to engage with the world and to feel alive. Although it's digital, artificial, destructive and unsustainable, continued relapses occur. Through this lens, it must be because I do not feel alive.
By determining the moments I tend to feel alive the least (suffering fatigue, when medication runs out, after dopaminergic activities like media use...), I should be able to accurately predict when urges will occur. It's a craving for aliveness, which my brain has learned to respond to with the easily attainable PMO.
To make relapse less likely, I must also provide myself with easier, healthier alternatives to satisfy this need to feel alive. This craving is the result of (relative) understimulation. Superstimuli are hard to avoid but may be key to reducing the impact of contrast between excessive dopaminergic activities and normal life.
I think bodyscan meditation satisfies (or atleast calibrates) a stimulation-seeking mind, as it focuses on tactile sensory experiences. I think triphasic breathing or 'om' chanting cultivates a focused mind, which benefits a stimulation-avoidant mind because the latter allows for withdrawing yourself from the world. In other words, when coming down from high stimulation or medication I should practice bodyscan meditation. When medicated, I should practice triphasic meditation.
When medicated, I take great pleasure in my tendency for stimulation-seeking because it's all amplified. But now I think this is the wrong way to go about it. I worry that it increases my baseline stimulation (or awareness) and makes the gap between medicated and unmedicated states even larger. It is a short term solution, good for ADDers with no agency. My situation is different, I have the agency to change my life. I don't want to keep taking medication. It facilitates getting stuck in a life my brain does not function well in. I want to build a life that doesn't rely on a drug to be liveable.
Porn addiction is teaching me that I cannot do without specific stimulation. Rebooting isn't only about resetting my brain from porn addiction. My addiction sensitivity is wired by merit of ADD. Rebooting is about learning and applying what porn addiction is teaching me. The need for stimulation. It sounds deterministic, so I will think more about how to reframe this in a more positive and hopeful way. Continuing to read relevant literature will help.
It's my responsibility to design my environment and life to attain optimal stimulation in a sustainable manner. I believe it is best that I accept that intense and repetitive music is key to retaining my concentration. Until now it has felt like a special needs aid but Thom Hartmann's book "ADHD: A Hunter in a Farmer's World" has convinced me this must the adjustement I made to exist in an unsuitable environment with inappropriate expectations (to concentrate and perform on understimulating tasks like neurotypical 'farmers'). I attribute this to the concept of stochastic resonance (addition of stimuli increases psychological arousal and therefore passes the threshold requirement for keeping attention). Numerous workplaces aren't accepting of this need. I begrudingly recall my disappointment when I was told I was not allowed to listen to music at my last job. I will think about this more and how this should best affect my decision for a career.
I translated this rant to bullet points. They are things I need to do out to make this insight actionable (and ultimately valuable).
- Make undesired activities less dopaminergic. Less sugar in food, greyscale my phone and computer. Avoid complex and/or intense music unless it facilitates concentration.
- Make desired activities more dopaminergic. Furnish and decorate a reading space, pick and evolve challenging workout exercises, make a habit (on my habit tracker) to remove grayscale when working on the computer and play complex or intense music, set a priority to-do to buy and place fidget toys on my desk (to compensate for lowering medication dosage).
- Reduce medication intake (in consultation with a medical professional) and experiment with adding sensory stimuli to tasks that do not retain my attention (fidget toys, scented candles, healthy beverages and snacks).
- Make a habit (in my habit tracker) to process and appreciate finished, non-dopaminergic tasks. It's like gratitude journaling, but without writing and more focus on self-appreciation.
- Make a habit (in my habit tracker) to practice bodyscan meditation after a dopaminergic activity to prevent PMO cravings when returning to mundanity. I believe the focus on intensifying the tactile sensory experience will provide a better gradual descent stimulation-wise.
- Make a habit (in my habit tracker) to practice triphasic meditation when medicated or nudging myself towards overstimulation. This should reduce my tendency to overwhelm myself.
- Continue to read literature about ADHD, addiction and positive psychology.