BrassBalls707
Active Member
Day 3/8
Unbusting my balls
- Thread starter BrassBalls707
- Start date
BrassBalls707
Active Member
Day 4 & 5/8
BrassBalls707
Active Member
Day 6/8
BrassBalls707
Active Member
Day 7/8
End of the month is in sight. Late nights and fatigue remain risk factors. All easily solved by the basic need of sleep.
End of the month is in sight. Late nights and fatigue remain risk factors. All easily solved by the basic need of sleep.
BrassBalls707
Active Member
Day 8/8
Setting the new goal to the end of May. I'm going to treat myself to some greasy ass food tomorrow.
Setting the new goal to the end of May. I'm going to treat myself to some greasy ass food tomorrow.
BrassBalls707
Active Member
Day 9/37
I enjoyed my greasy ass food, I should definitely find better rewards though. It wasn't as satisfying as I wanted it to be.
I enjoyed my greasy ass food, I should definitely find better rewards though. It wasn't as satisfying as I wanted it to be.
BrassBalls707
Active Member
Day 10/37
I had an urge before a shower and stopped myself from engaging. I had a talk with myself, "MO leads to P, that's why we don't do this." and "Pursuing sexuality by yourself is a waste, do it with a partner." etc and it worked. I caught myself off guard cause I hadn't slept enough and didn't remind myself this is a risk factor for triggers. Lo and behold... I caught it, it's a sign I'm doing better.
Onwards.
I had an urge before a shower and stopped myself from engaging. I had a talk with myself, "MO leads to P, that's why we don't do this." and "Pursuing sexuality by yourself is a waste, do it with a partner." etc and it worked. I caught myself off guard cause I hadn't slept enough and didn't remind myself this is a risk factor for triggers. Lo and behold... I caught it, it's a sign I'm doing better.
Onwards.
BrassBalls707
Active Member
Relapse on saturdaynight. I wasn't well rested and I drank alcohol, meaning I was drunk when I got home. I don't know what made me decide to drink, perhaps it was the music of the event and the atmosphere calling to it. I'm surprised I don't have a drinking problem. Does this mean I can't drink anymore though?
If I intend to continuously break my streak by exposing myself to that risk... at that point what am I even doing 'rebooting'? It's not a reboot if relapsing is a guaranteed part of it. Rebooting is a necessity. I am lying to myself if I said relapse is without consequences. Just this occasion I spent upwards of 2 hours browsing porn in a mindless frenzy. It's embarassing to admit. It is every time, but during a relapse or even right before it. None of that matters in your mind. It feels like an obsessive act or compulsion then.
I need to look myself in the eye and renew my vows. I must consider making this renewal a habit as preventive measure. Perhaps once per month? I will think more on when and how.
Onwards.
If I intend to continuously break my streak by exposing myself to that risk... at that point what am I even doing 'rebooting'? It's not a reboot if relapsing is a guaranteed part of it. Rebooting is a necessity. I am lying to myself if I said relapse is without consequences. Just this occasion I spent upwards of 2 hours browsing porn in a mindless frenzy. It's embarassing to admit. It is every time, but during a relapse or even right before it. None of that matters in your mind. It feels like an obsessive act or compulsion then.
I need to look myself in the eye and renew my vows. I must consider making this renewal a habit as preventive measure. Perhaps once per month? I will think more on when and how.
Onwards.
BrassBalls707
Active Member
Day 1/26
Medication expiration is a trigger, it makes the lows lower when I return to a baseline mood. Meditation and/or improving hopefulness by nighttime seems necessary. I have some ideas I'm trying to get in order and the medication seems like a double-edged sword for the time being, but I'm confident I can make some breakthroughs soon.
Onwards and upwards!
Medication expiration is a trigger, it makes the lows lower when I return to a baseline mood. Meditation and/or improving hopefulness by nighttime seems necessary. I have some ideas I'm trying to get in order and the medication seems like a double-edged sword for the time being, but I'm confident I can make some breakthroughs soon.
Onwards and upwards!
BrassBalls707
Active Member
Day 2/26
BrassBalls707
Active Member
Day 3 & 4/26
I observed some urges today, realizing they were due to medication expiring. After catching a sunset and meditating I felt lethargic and laid down, napping for about 30 minutes. I felt opposite to before. Is the solution to evening urges getting shut eye? Definitely fatigue also at play here.
Onwards.
I observed some urges today, realizing they were due to medication expiring. After catching a sunset and meditating I felt lethargic and laid down, napping for about 30 minutes. I felt opposite to before. Is the solution to evening urges getting shut eye? Definitely fatigue also at play here.
Onwards.
BrassBalls707
Active Member
Day 5/26
Sat myself down when I felt lethargic. I realized that there were multiple things affecting me negatively, and would lead to urges. It's as if expecting them made me more resilient if not invulnerable. Today was a breeze reboot-wise.
Onwards.
Sat myself down when I felt lethargic. I realized that there were multiple things affecting me negatively, and would lead to urges. It's as if expecting them made me more resilient if not invulnerable. Today was a breeze reboot-wise.
Onwards.
BrassBalls707
Active Member
Day 6/26
BrassBalls707
Active Member
Sunday relapse in shower. Relapse day after at night. One begets the other, the issue is really the first one. P came later as I have come to expect.
I recognize two things that influenced my behavior and thoughts. First, the state of relaxation and privacy a shower creates and second, not having a busier schedule. With busy I don't intend to be in a rush, but simply have timely expectations of myself for that day. I believe being laid-back and unambitious that day invited thoughts to urge me to MO. If I had been a measure more strict with myself, I would have limited my time spent on showering and the thought would have easily made way for what was more important. But as is the case with addiction, in the absence of something more important than the addiction, the addiction will prevail.
What do I learn from this? Showering is a risk factor if no important activity immediately follows it. When I shower, something important must follow it, something I desire to do right after and not a moment later.
I believe I must also focus more on the experience of the shower and not let my thoughts wander at a time a relapse is most opportune. I will make a habit of it in my habit tracker to condition myself/habitualize this. In effect, focusing on the water, temperature, smell etc is meditative and builds conscientiousness, increasing my ability to control my mind. I believe this will help dissolve thoughts of PMO when showering.
Also more abstract, my belief of being "laid-back and unambitious" for a day fits what I think is the identity of a PMO or porn addict. I often thought to myself in the past years when using: "Do I truly have nothing better to do that this?" and "I should feel ashamed for spending so much time on this." I believe these thoughts affirmed some damning beliefs I have about myself.
I couldn't internally attach the long term consequences to immediate use (dropping out, deteriorating relationships, increasing distractability, sleep deficiency...) and so I feel like I didn't learn my lesson for a long time. Attributing myself with "laid-back" or "unambitious" for a day seemed harmless at the time, but if it even for a moment changes my identity it will change my behavior. That, I clearly cannot permit.
By consciously changing my identity to be in conflict with that of a porn addict, I will feel congitive dissonance when a rare urge strikes. Then, the urge will be far more easily dismissed. If my identity fits that of a porn addict and an urge surfaces, it will not bring about cognitive dissonance. In fact, I believe it will then feel 'right' to PMO. It validates how I think and feel about myself, it is a very deceptive experience.
In the book Atomic Habits, James Clear describes "casting votes" for your desired identity by confronting the proof you accumulate by merit of your own effort. I believe I must do this more often, so that my desired identity will win out in the identity election when decisive moments arise.
I have little idea on my desired identity off the top of my head, but I will spend time thereon soon. What I can do is list traits I personally attribute to a PMO addict.
(self-)indulgent, obsessive, emotionally immature, self-neglectful, hopeless, sleep deprived, phone junkie, anxious, bored, laid-back, unambitious...
I think at the root, these things were said about me and to me, directly and indirectly. I don't want to dismiss how tragic the implications are of making a child or teenager believe this about themselves - get emotional thinking about it -, but these beliefs need to be challenged and corrected. Besides my habit tracker, that is my other next step. More self-reflection...
Fortunately, I am already working on all these traits I often perceive in myself, so proof will not be hard to find. Self-indulgence and boredom in particular seem hardest to curb, but if I build the shower habit as described that promotes balance and awareness, I believe I will not make this same mistake of shower relapse again.
Onwards and upwards.
I recognize two things that influenced my behavior and thoughts. First, the state of relaxation and privacy a shower creates and second, not having a busier schedule. With busy I don't intend to be in a rush, but simply have timely expectations of myself for that day. I believe being laid-back and unambitious that day invited thoughts to urge me to MO. If I had been a measure more strict with myself, I would have limited my time spent on showering and the thought would have easily made way for what was more important. But as is the case with addiction, in the absence of something more important than the addiction, the addiction will prevail.
What do I learn from this? Showering is a risk factor if no important activity immediately follows it. When I shower, something important must follow it, something I desire to do right after and not a moment later.
I believe I must also focus more on the experience of the shower and not let my thoughts wander at a time a relapse is most opportune. I will make a habit of it in my habit tracker to condition myself/habitualize this. In effect, focusing on the water, temperature, smell etc is meditative and builds conscientiousness, increasing my ability to control my mind. I believe this will help dissolve thoughts of PMO when showering.
Also more abstract, my belief of being "laid-back and unambitious" for a day fits what I think is the identity of a PMO or porn addict. I often thought to myself in the past years when using: "Do I truly have nothing better to do that this?" and "I should feel ashamed for spending so much time on this." I believe these thoughts affirmed some damning beliefs I have about myself.
I couldn't internally attach the long term consequences to immediate use (dropping out, deteriorating relationships, increasing distractability, sleep deficiency...) and so I feel like I didn't learn my lesson for a long time. Attributing myself with "laid-back" or "unambitious" for a day seemed harmless at the time, but if it even for a moment changes my identity it will change my behavior. That, I clearly cannot permit.
By consciously changing my identity to be in conflict with that of a porn addict, I will feel congitive dissonance when a rare urge strikes. Then, the urge will be far more easily dismissed. If my identity fits that of a porn addict and an urge surfaces, it will not bring about cognitive dissonance. In fact, I believe it will then feel 'right' to PMO. It validates how I think and feel about myself, it is a very deceptive experience.
In the book Atomic Habits, James Clear describes "casting votes" for your desired identity by confronting the proof you accumulate by merit of your own effort. I believe I must do this more often, so that my desired identity will win out in the identity election when decisive moments arise.
I have little idea on my desired identity off the top of my head, but I will spend time thereon soon. What I can do is list traits I personally attribute to a PMO addict.
(self-)indulgent, obsessive, emotionally immature, self-neglectful, hopeless, sleep deprived, phone junkie, anxious, bored, laid-back, unambitious...
I think at the root, these things were said about me and to me, directly and indirectly. I don't want to dismiss how tragic the implications are of making a child or teenager believe this about themselves - get emotional thinking about it -, but these beliefs need to be challenged and corrected. Besides my habit tracker, that is my other next step. More self-reflection...
Fortunately, I am already working on all these traits I often perceive in myself, so proof will not be hard to find. Self-indulgence and boredom in particular seem hardest to curb, but if I build the shower habit as described that promotes balance and awareness, I believe I will not make this same mistake of shower relapse again.
Onwards and upwards.
BrassBalls707
Active Member
Day 1
of let's say, 10 days.
of let's say, 10 days.
BrassBalls707
Active Member
Day 2/10
I hit a mental low point because of having trauma triggered and invalidated by family. The resulting interaction shook me so much I don't have any desires, let alone PMO.
I hit a mental low point because of having trauma triggered and invalidated by family. The resulting interaction shook me so much I don't have any desires, let alone PMO.