Unbusting my balls

BrassBalls707

BrassBalls707

Active Member
I had some relapses yesterday and today so I wanted to post to put myself back in the saddle.
I believe sex is partly to blame. It primed me to think sexual thoughts the days after, kind of like wiping off the rust. The thing is, I want to let it rust. I want that part of my brain that thinks sexual thoughts away from my partner to be decommisioned. Unfortunately, that sounds impossible. I will take time to think on how to make the impossible, possible.

The day to day minutiae also made me forget that this fight is daily. That is how the sexual thoughts came back. A few hours less sleep here and there. An untimely dosage of adhd medication running out. Starting out a day poorly with phone use. Neglecting to take time to schedule and plan. Getting swept up with other people and getting rushed... Stopping meditation practices... All these things opened the door to relapse. I don't want to design my life for this to be the case. I know better. In the wake of it all, I took a step back. Now, I can step back into the ring.

Onwards and upwards.
 
Phineas 808

Phineas 808

Moderator
Staff member
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You got this, B.B.! Taking a step back, awareness, that's what it's all about. As your saying goes, "Awareness precedes control", awareness precedes, accompanies, and causes total and complete victory. This is a mindfulness thing, whereas 'habit-land' is a mindlessness, ignorance thing.

Diligence and non-judgmentalism should go hand-in-hand here.
 
BrassBalls707

BrassBalls707

Active Member
I've been relapsing every other few days and realized I wouldn't achieve the same results as journaling here by doing no journaling. So I'm rebooting my track here.

My mind hearkens back to what someone here said. They said as much as: "If your n#1 priority isn't rebooting, you're not gonna make it. And I still believe that's true after months and months of convincing myself it's fixed.

I have ADHD. I raised myself abhorring boredom and I find it intolerable at times. Medication changed my life for the better, but the shifts in how my behavioral circuit (dopamine, reinforcement...) works because of it make the contrast between medicated and unmedicated states more challenging to overcome. Yet, I don't believe to be able to function as desired without it.

Intolerance to boredom is my biggest hurdle now. Through therapy, meditation and talking about my feelings to myself and others, my emotional awareness and processing has increased tremendously. I also understand there is a hint of frustration at play, especially when I find my usual activities appear unstimulating (=boring). This must be because frequent relapse makes daily activities cumbersome by comparison.

I know it will get better over time, and I would like nothing better than to function as desired and enjoy intimacy with my partner more. These two things are what motivate me and I will start reminding myself thereof to maintain my motivation. When fatigue strikes, nothing matters, so I will once again keep my evening routine in check. I re-enrolled for a 2y graduate course and very early classes. It's a good problem to have for me. I'm thankful to be given more reasons to do what I've always imagined.

So, I will do four things:
1. Post my days here as reminder of my commitment. It's not just a formality.
2. Reward myself for respecting my evening routines with leisure activities. I have enough on my plate and unstructured leisure is not something I can afford. I know better.
3. Learn how to make intimacy with my partner more exciting and less frequent. It's a trigger for PMO use the days after. Oxytocin and lack thereof is powerful. Meditation will catch me when my hormones push me down.
4. I will create a new habit, "Tolerating boredom." in my habit tracking app. I will do it through additional meditation or deciding against easy entertainment. Shows, movies, games and videos are vices for me if they are indulged without limits. I will reinforce it immediately with reward in-app and punish it harshly. When the punishment heaps, the reward increases.

I've spent enough time being less than what I could be. No more.

No more.

Upwards and onwards.
Godspeed to all 💪
 
BrassBalls707

BrassBalls707

Active Member
Day 2/7

Urges now in the evening. I shook them off remembering my commitment here. I'm glad journaling here has the desired effect. I broke the chain, literally and figuratively. Now I need to prevent shackling myself again.

Onwards.
 
BrassBalls707

BrassBalls707

Active Member
Blondie said:
You got this, @BrassBalls707. Remember your name. You literally have balls of steel, or should I say brass! :cool:
Click to expand...

The gf would disagree!

But I understand your point. I've had my balls busted the bad way enough to not let PMO be the victor. At some point you've got to accept you know better and take responsibility, acting the part. Journaling is me returning to that sentiment.

Best wishes to you too man. We do got this, no one else will do it for us. Not the internet or porn industry. Not the ones part of the problem, spreading material or insidiously putting skin in public ads. This is a battle for attention, for the mind...
My mind is best put to this forum, on those participating. I'm grateful for it.
 
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BrassBalls707

BrassBalls707

Active Member
Day 3/7

Abstinence becomes easy when you expect yourself to add a positive report to your journal when the urge strikes. To motivate me, I need more reasons, stronger reasons, to overwhelm whatever reasons for indulgence my mind can concoct. I need to know my why's and remind myself of them for they are not my inclination yet. Time erodes that which isn't anchored down, the result of conscious effort crumbles if inconsistent. My foundation is shoddy, it withstands only a few bad days. I need it to stay stalwart in a storm of triggers.

I may never be free of the PMO cope my brain taught itself, but I am learning a lesson: I need sleep on my side. Tomorrow will be rough. Trust I practice the conscientiousness required to make it easier on myself. Sleep is sacred.

Onwards and upwards.
 
Phineas 808

Phineas 808

Moderator
Staff member
Moderator
BrassBalls707 said:
My foundation is shoddy, it withstands only a few bad days. I need it to stay stalwart in a storm of triggers.
Click to expand...

The good news in this is that as we dismiss the urges, which may at first be a mixed bag of easy to hard bouts, the 'foundation' gets stronger, that is, your sense of agency is restored and reinforced. Simultaneously, as consistency is held to, the triggers themselves will become lesser and weaker.

As a bonus, again over time (months), your endurance to life itself will have also become stronger. You'll have found better and healthier coping methods, and can face down almost anything without the need to escape.
 
BrassBalls707

BrassBalls707

Active Member
Day 6/7

Can't believe it's almost been a week already. I have been intimate with my gf. Now being away from her it will be more challenging. I've had this experience before so I am anticipating it. Sleep is against me, stress is right around the corner. But I know better than to put myself in this position.

I am a slave to my devices. It's my window to entertainment. To feeling alive. At the same time, they're not good for me. I want a life of moderation. Of moderate pleasure and pain. The excess of pleasure is now swinging back to an excess of pain, it's how life is balanced. I'm aware of this, yet I still suffer it. It's demoralizing.

I will rest now and tomorrow. My mood needs to increase. It's no use fighting fatigue for motivation. Afterwards, making good decisions consistently is easier.

Onwards.
 
BrassBalls707

BrassBalls707

Active Member
Day 7/7

One week done. Keeping myself occupied and stimulated seems essential. Streaking on this forum was also the first and last defense gainst relapse.

Making intimacy more stimulating is more difficult than I thought. One starts to consider to even ask chatgpt for suggestions 🤖.

Structuring, limiting and respecting my leisure time remains hard. By the time I want to take a break in the evening I'm usually so deprived of motivation I feel like I can't put that extra mile in to ensure don't overindulge. It happens often enough for me to feel hopeless about getting it right. I feel like I'm missing something and I will reflect on it to figure it out.

I'm moving up the milestone to two weeks.

Onwards.
 
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