Unbusting my balls

BrassBalls707

BrassBalls707

Active Member
Day 14/14

I've been battling sleep deficits and headaches every week, it's really wearing me down. But I haven't felt like using PMO to cope or pass the time. Largely, I think that's because my partner is near and I'm at her place instead of mine. But yeah, the early hours for class suck and the environment is rowdy in the city. I need to think of solutions instead of suffering all these triggers. I can't keep up this lifestyle getting more tired and possibly sick and unmotivated.

But I go onwards.

21 days, another week another goal.
 
BrassBalls707

BrassBalls707

Active Member
Day 16/21

Light work, I worked on my schedule and I have no time for dilly-dallying up to the 24th of this month. It's a boon for PMO abstinence but if sleep suffers or stress accumulates it's gonna be trouble. Balancing everything is hard as fuck and I worry about correcting mistakes. But atleast I'm going onwards.
 
BrassBalls707

BrassBalls707

Active Member
Day 17/21

There are some tensions in my relationship and I'm anticipating some hard conversations. Without being specific, I find it hard to reconcile wanting to be supportive and tolerant with wanting to be honest and assertive. I'm suspicious of seeing negative patterns and dealing with that confirmation is going to be a serious trigger in the future I think. In summary, I'm anticipating some emotional distress and relationship dissatisfaction that could trigger me. Writing it out makes me feel more hopeful and resilient though, so I go onwards with that sentiment.

Awareness precedes control, I know the drill.
 
BrassBalls707

BrassBalls707

Active Member
Day 19/21

First strong urges in a while. I slept in and skipped a class to prioritize my health. I felt myself getting sick and wanted to give my immune system a boost to avoid losing motivation down the line should I fall ill.

I met up with a councellor to help me with assignments and I remembered I need to tolerate boredom more still. It drives me towards high-stimuli environments and activities (used to often be PMO-use). Today this wasn't the case, instead it seems to be guilt related to skipping a class. There is also a headache (discomfort) eating at my motivation and that combination (guilt+discomfort) seems to be a trigger synergy...

I'm determined to use my signalisation plan from personal crisis management to notice and identify signals so I can better act on what my mind and body need. Whether that's food, drink, relaxation, sleep or meditation for emotional processing or contentment...

If don't know what I need to do, the best I can do is not do something that's bad.

This is my best next step.

Onwards to 3 weeks 💪
 
BrassBalls707

BrassBalls707

Active Member
Day 23/28

I looked up pornographic material twice today. I believe it's because of curiosity ("What's out there nowadays?") and coping ("This other thing is too daunting to deal with, let me look at something that will hold my attention for sure.").

Obviously, neither are good reasons but it did give me a moment of reflection where I considered my preferences and I intend to share these with my partner to avoid that they feel self-conscious or insufficient.

I'm a bit torn on whether I should be hard on myself for this infraction, but I know out of experience that if I am judgemental that it will cause shame or guilt and trigger me more.

In any case, I had a productive day.

Onwards.
 
Phineas 808

Phineas 808

Moderator
Staff member
Moderator
Yeah, B.B., being hard on yourself and judgmental would be 'counter-productive' for sure...! Take shame and blame off the table entirely, and replace condemnation with curiosity, and ask yourself questions like,

Why am I curious for this other thing...? Why do I need to know? Do I have the fear of missing out? What is there to miss out on? Why do I need something to hold my attention? Why do I need to escape the daunting task and go into this other thing?

And I'm sure you could ask yourself a myriad of other questions. Questions support awareness and mindfulness.
 
BrassBalls707

BrassBalls707

Active Member
Day 25/28

One of the worst days and busiest days of my life. But I survived and am satisfied with how I handled it. I had assignments and chaotic group projects, I had a migraine, I felt sick, but I relied on my support system. I reached out to people and vented. It helped. If I don't process and relieve my emotions they will process me.

No chance for urges, so that's one less battle I had to fight I'm thankful for.

Onwards.
 
BrassBalls707

BrassBalls707

Active Member
Day 28/28

My assignment deadlines feel inhuman. I'm burdened by the stress but no urges. I think it's because I felt like I had no time to waste. Luckily my environment is understanding, and it helps getting back in the saddle.

Onwards to 35 days!
 
BrassBalls707

BrassBalls707

Active Member
Day 29/35

I coped yesterday, but I did not use PMO. There were urges, but I chose one cope over another and binged with food and media. I also had alcohol. I played with fire there and I know better. I'm glad I had options and took them. Maybe it's time to start seeing other copes as doing similar damage as PMO... That they take a while to reboot from too... I'm thinking alcohol use, excessive media use, videogames.. I wonder if there is literature surrounding that similar to YBOP.

Onwards.
 
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