Unbusting my balls

BrassBalls707

BrassBalls707

Active Member
New month new relapse.

I let myself get overwhelmed with a scuffed group project, bad planning and excessive distractions and coping. Then there were some relationship difficulties as icing on the cake... My life has been stress and too little processing. Now my sleep is suffering.

I lost the battle, but not the war.

I'm getting back in the saddle.

Onwards. To day 1/10.
 
BrassBalls707

BrassBalls707

Active Member
Day 10/10

I let nighttime fatigue and a single negative comment clothesline me into watching porn. Instead of ducking I wanted to get decked by it. It really reinforces the idea that PMO is a maladaptive cope to feeling less than neutral. I avoid saying "setback" because the comment was actually poorly received feedback. Perhaps it was their tone...

I made the conscious decision to go sleep late and wake up early. My health declines. If I had to answer the question: "Am I moving to or away from a relapse?" I would answer:

"Towards."

But I can't have that. Suffering is unavoidable, it needs to be accepted. But PMO use and the problems it sustains... those facilitate worthless suffering. I've already learnt my lessons. I want to suffering meaningfully. Today I choose to do just that. Not towards PMO, but onwards and upwards, away from it.

I'm getting things done instead of procrastinating, spending time building relationships instead of avoiding them. I want to process suffering, not to be processed by it.

Today is that day. Day 11.
I'm coming for you.
 
Phineas 808

Phineas 808

Moderator
Staff member
Moderator
BrassBalls707 said:
I made the conscious decision to go sleep late and wake up early. My health declines. If I had to answer the question: "Am I moving to or away from a relapse?" I would answer:

"Towards."
Click to expand...

Great self-knowledge. Abstinence is of course important, but this right here, this awareness and insight is more important than the abstinence by itself.

Like your signature says, "Awareness precedes control."
 
BrassBalls707

BrassBalls707

Active Member
Phineas 808 said:
Great self-knowledge. Abstinence is of course important, but this right here, this awareness and insight is more important than the abstinence by itself.

Like your signature says, "Awareness precedes control."
Click to expand...

Thank you for that confirmation Phineas, I am always trying to live up more to that signature.
It describes my entire struggle. It is the root from which my problems and peace grow. I hope others can find strength in it, helping to find the best next step.
 
BrassBalls707

BrassBalls707

Active Member
Day 13/20

The weekends mess me up, taking time to idle is a risk for urges. I engaged with porn but never the whole PMO nine yards. I feel embarassed and frustrated, but not defeated.

Onwards.
 
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