BrassBalls707
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Day 8
Unbusting my balls
- Thread starter BrassBalls707
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BrassBalls707
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Day 9
BrassBalls707
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Day 12
BrassBalls707
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Day 14
new reality
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Thisright here are the kinds of questions that lead to self-awareness, to change. The question is, and a real question that I've asked myself, Can we grab ourselves by the collar, look ourselves dead dog in the face, and get real with ourselves? And, quite paradoxically, can we do so while taking shame and blame off the table?
Good job, B.B.! Happy new year!
Shame, blame.. fear is another one.
Maybe these things had a place once, in microdoses.
It's probably better to think about the situation in a more relaxed, curious way.
BrassBalls707
Active Member
I failed.
And it took me right back to the bottom with no way out before I 'decided' to confront myself. It's really the only option I have left.
I'm sick, almost like karmic justice for the perversions. I relapsed way before that though. I believe I deserve to be where I am now. I feel so much guilt I could cry. I feel pathetic.
I messed up my routine and started dopamine chasing. I failed a class and lost a lot of sleep over it. "PMO has no consequences" until it does. The cost is damning. If I were less aware of life's upsides, this is something I'd consider suicide over. I'm thankful that despite the state of my conscience I am not considering suicide at all. My effort in the past paid off. But my effort in rebooting hasn't. It's never-ending and has no payoff. The effort IS the payoff and THAT is something I've never seemed to internalize. Rebooting has value in consistency, not a cumulation of periods or individual days. Consistency. And my impulses are chaos incarnate. My brain is structured to produce the complete opposite of what is healthy for me. It makes me very insecure about my ability to change. Neuroplasticity is no longer on my side as much as it was. Like many older men confirm on the forum here: "Beat this thing when you're young."
I truly wish I had.
I now prepare to catch up on lost sleep and make amends with myself. I anticipate a vulnerable conversation with my partner. I dread to process the fact that I have yet again, made an avoidable mistake that I knew better than to suffer.
I want to be the person 36 year-old me wants me to be. I want to make my future self proud, not miserable.
I want to be free.
And it took me right back to the bottom with no way out before I 'decided' to confront myself. It's really the only option I have left.
I'm sick, almost like karmic justice for the perversions. I relapsed way before that though. I believe I deserve to be where I am now. I feel so much guilt I could cry. I feel pathetic.
I messed up my routine and started dopamine chasing. I failed a class and lost a lot of sleep over it. "PMO has no consequences" until it does. The cost is damning. If I were less aware of life's upsides, this is something I'd consider suicide over. I'm thankful that despite the state of my conscience I am not considering suicide at all. My effort in the past paid off. But my effort in rebooting hasn't. It's never-ending and has no payoff. The effort IS the payoff and THAT is something I've never seemed to internalize. Rebooting has value in consistency, not a cumulation of periods or individual days. Consistency. And my impulses are chaos incarnate. My brain is structured to produce the complete opposite of what is healthy for me. It makes me very insecure about my ability to change. Neuroplasticity is no longer on my side as much as it was. Like many older men confirm on the forum here: "Beat this thing when you're young."
I truly wish I had.
I now prepare to catch up on lost sleep and make amends with myself. I anticipate a vulnerable conversation with my partner. I dread to process the fact that I have yet again, made an avoidable mistake that I knew better than to suffer.
I want to be the person 36 year-old me wants me to be. I want to make my future self proud, not miserable.
I want to be free.
BrassBalls707
Active Member
Day 1
Posting to remind myself that this is a struggle.
Posting to remind myself that this is a struggle.
BrassBalls707
Active Member
Day 3
I remind myself now again when the urge strikes.
I remind myself now again when the urge strikes.
BrassBalls707
Active Member
Day 5
I remind myself when the urge arises. This is a problem and requires my attention.
I remind myself when the urge arises. This is a problem and requires my attention.
BrassBalls707
Active Member
Day 6
Having my partner near helps a lot. I'm trying to keep busy to not have wandering thoughts and urges. If I feel like I constantly have something better to do, the urges get no traction.
Having my partner near helps a lot. I'm trying to keep busy to not have wandering thoughts and urges. If I feel like I constantly have something better to do, the urges get no traction.
BrassBalls707
Active Member
Day 10
The urge strikes when boredom does. I went to this forum instead of any porn.
The urge strikes when boredom does. I went to this forum instead of any porn.
BrassBalls707
Active Member
Day 11
Same as yesterday. First months on rebooting are the worst. You struggle to get a grip, it demands effort and if you don't have that energy you're screwed. I'm getting by just by postponing it. "Not now but later." gaslighting myself until the urge is gone.
Same as yesterday. First months on rebooting are the worst. You struggle to get a grip, it demands effort and if you don't have that energy you're screwed. I'm getting by just by postponing it. "Not now but later." gaslighting myself until the urge is gone.
BrassBalls707
Active Member
Day 22 (I think)
Keeping busy takes up space in my thoughts so urges can't come up. For the first time in over a week I noticed an urge as I stopped being busy. I am a bit unwell from overexertion and am taking it easy with no real push or drive for a single day and there come the urges. Like clockwork, it must be a sign I'm bored and/or without purpose. Remembering it and reminding myself will help.
I can't help but notice frustration when I don't give into the urge for PMO. My brain must be seeking stimulation and something that easily takes my attention. I don't want it to choose PMO, despite knowing it will make me feel 'better' in the moment...
Onwards...
Keeping busy takes up space in my thoughts so urges can't come up. For the first time in over a week I noticed an urge as I stopped being busy. I am a bit unwell from overexertion and am taking it easy with no real push or drive for a single day and there come the urges. Like clockwork, it must be a sign I'm bored and/or without purpose. Remembering it and reminding myself will help.
I can't help but notice frustration when I don't give into the urge for PMO. My brain must be seeking stimulation and something that easily takes my attention. I don't want it to choose PMO, despite knowing it will make me feel 'better' in the moment...
Onwards...
BrassBalls707
Active Member
Day 1
Routine disruption, indeliberate phone use, stimulation seeking behavior and boredom... a relapse was the natural outcome.
PMO addiction has reached the point where it now affects my academical life and life quality insofar I've felt the worst I have in months.
Sleep deprivation is partly to blame, but risk factors like boredom are a sign or symptom of it.
I'm rereading a book on the science of sleep in the evening to keep myself getting those 8 hours of rest, a criteria for a functional life. I also want to read a book on improving executive functioning every morning to tune to tackling the day well.
Get control of your body, this is a no pity-party.
Onwards and upwards.
Routine disruption, indeliberate phone use, stimulation seeking behavior and boredom... a relapse was the natural outcome.
PMO addiction has reached the point where it now affects my academical life and life quality insofar I've felt the worst I have in months.
Sleep deprivation is partly to blame, but risk factors like boredom are a sign or symptom of it.
I'm rereading a book on the science of sleep in the evening to keep myself getting those 8 hours of rest, a criteria for a functional life. I also want to read a book on improving executive functioning every morning to tune to tackling the day well.
Get control of your body, this is a no pity-party.
Onwards and upwards.