BrassBalls707
Member
Thanks! I think there's a book called "why we sleep". I'm reading that next.
Unbusting my balls
- Thread starter BrassBalls707
- Start date
BrassBalls707
Member
Day 24/30
The things my brain is trying to convince me of just to try and get me to PMO, it's insane! I'm doing okay staving off the urges.
So far so good.
The things my brain is trying to convince me of just to try and get me to PMO, it's insane! I'm doing okay staving off the urges.
So far so good.
Good for you!
Maybe something to tackle the urges would help? A cold shower, a walk, meeting with friends, going to the cinema.... A planned action that can help wiht the urge.
Whish you the best, keep strong!
BrassBalls707
Member
I could go for a walk, i usually get down if it isn't really nice weather outside though. But thanks for the recommendations anyways
BrassBalls707
Member
Day 25/30
I had been busy this week as I let on last week. Between classes, hobbies, assignments and meetings I don't recall registering any urges.
I had been busy this week as I let on last week. Between classes, hobbies, assignments and meetings I don't recall registering any urges.
BrassBalls707
Member
Day 26/30
I came down with the flu Wednesday night, and I have been bedridden since then. I feel wretched, which is a blessing in disguise for rebooting. All I care and think about is getting better. I'll be fine in a few days, which is coincidentally when I will have made it to 30 days. I plan on adding another month then.
I came down with the flu Wednesday night, and I have been bedridden since then. I feel wretched, which is a blessing in disguise for rebooting. All I care and think about is getting better. I'll be fine in a few days, which is coincidentally when I will have made it to 30 days. I plan on adding another month then.
BrassBalls707
Member
Day 27-30/30
This flu thing knocked the wind out of me. My only focus at the moment is eating and drinking sufficiently while trying not to bother myself to death when trying to sleep with cold-sweat fever.
I noticed some pull towards looking up porn, mainly out of boredom because I was bedlocked. I didn't think about it too much however because I didn't want to tempt myself for no reason. Besides, I know the imagery is just as bad so I put all my attention into keeping that at bay.
I also think for me personally, the sense of loneliness or worthlessness enforce the urges. I believe it was a coping mechanism because it would get much harder to resist before going to sleep. I was also very lonely growing up (mostly by choice, "your cage was always open" etc...). I think the PMO habit just remained for little to no reason, since I am far more sociable now
If I think about PMO and the methods, tools or enablers I used to facilitate it, I can't help but get a calm and warm feeling. To tell these thoughts off feels like kicking a good friend or partner to the curb. It feels wrong. Having thought about it more, I figured this 'solution' to manage how I felt was a bad, temporary solution. I need to put my focus on replacing it with meditation or something similar the next 30 days, so I will have no reason to return to it by the end. I still can't help but feel like I'm betraying a 'solution' that 'helped' me for so long, yet I know it's like Stockholm Syndrome. I look forward to the sense of catharsis and relief when I finally kick the habit of PMO.
On to the next 30 days.
Up, up and away!
This flu thing knocked the wind out of me. My only focus at the moment is eating and drinking sufficiently while trying not to bother myself to death when trying to sleep with cold-sweat fever.
I noticed some pull towards looking up porn, mainly out of boredom because I was bedlocked. I didn't think about it too much however because I didn't want to tempt myself for no reason. Besides, I know the imagery is just as bad so I put all my attention into keeping that at bay.
I also think for me personally, the sense of loneliness or worthlessness enforce the urges. I believe it was a coping mechanism because it would get much harder to resist before going to sleep. I was also very lonely growing up (mostly by choice, "your cage was always open" etc...). I think the PMO habit just remained for little to no reason, since I am far more sociable now
If I think about PMO and the methods, tools or enablers I used to facilitate it, I can't help but get a calm and warm feeling. To tell these thoughts off feels like kicking a good friend or partner to the curb. It feels wrong. Having thought about it more, I figured this 'solution' to manage how I felt was a bad, temporary solution. I need to put my focus on replacing it with meditation or something similar the next 30 days, so I will have no reason to return to it by the end. I still can't help but feel like I'm betraying a 'solution' that 'helped' me for so long, yet I know it's like Stockholm Syndrome. I look forward to the sense of catharsis and relief when I finally kick the habit of PMO.
On to the next 30 days.
Up, up and away!
BrassBalls707
Member
Day 30-33/60
I unfortunately found a loophole which included graphic erotica and caught myself masturbating. I contemplated orgasming but am proud to say I didn't. I'm feeling double about whether it counts as failure or not. To be sure and clear with myself about it from now on I'm counting it as failure and will no longer engage with it, no matter how much I may like it. It's a sacrifice I will make since the rewards are promising.
I've been thinking about the whole reboot too, what the future holds etc and it left me a bit lethargic about sexuality. I made up my mind and realized lack of PMO is just something I'll have to live with. It's difficult to accept still, but noticing the adverse effects it has on my negative mood has me thinking it's entirely worth it. One relapse isn't worth risking returning back to the habit and fucking my attitude. Following that line of thought was the realization I had more energy to do hard things.
I'm beginning to act more like I've idealized in the past and it has left me satisfied. I don't dread going to bed anymore, which makes waking up earlier far easier. This spirals into more energy and enhousiasm, a positive loop. I also take the time to groom myself better, which is therapeutic in itself. I realized I would reach for porn or erotica in the past because of the comforting feeling it gave me. I could be completely captivated by it until I'd be tired enough to doze off. I'm replacing this habit with reading non-triggering ficton on my e-reader. I only read non-fiction, but I chose to make an exception here because I don't see a problem with reading two books at once if the material and focus is entirely different.
As for my reports here I am going to stick to reporting once every few days so I have time to let insights and thoughts 'ripen' before I commit them to the forum. It motivates me to think deeper when I do take time to report, as opposed to pushing myself to do it every day and keep it shallow.
Hey-ho let's go!
I unfortunately found a loophole which included graphic erotica and caught myself masturbating. I contemplated orgasming but am proud to say I didn't. I'm feeling double about whether it counts as failure or not. To be sure and clear with myself about it from now on I'm counting it as failure and will no longer engage with it, no matter how much I may like it. It's a sacrifice I will make since the rewards are promising.
I've been thinking about the whole reboot too, what the future holds etc and it left me a bit lethargic about sexuality. I made up my mind and realized lack of PMO is just something I'll have to live with. It's difficult to accept still, but noticing the adverse effects it has on my negative mood has me thinking it's entirely worth it. One relapse isn't worth risking returning back to the habit and fucking my attitude. Following that line of thought was the realization I had more energy to do hard things.
I'm beginning to act more like I've idealized in the past and it has left me satisfied. I don't dread going to bed anymore, which makes waking up earlier far easier. This spirals into more energy and enhousiasm, a positive loop. I also take the time to groom myself better, which is therapeutic in itself. I realized I would reach for porn or erotica in the past because of the comforting feeling it gave me. I could be completely captivated by it until I'd be tired enough to doze off. I'm replacing this habit with reading non-triggering ficton on my e-reader. I only read non-fiction, but I chose to make an exception here because I don't see a problem with reading two books at once if the material and focus is entirely different.
As for my reports here I am going to stick to reporting once every few days so I have time to let insights and thoughts 'ripen' before I commit them to the forum. It motivates me to think deeper when I do take time to report, as opposed to pushing myself to do it every day and keep it shallow.
Hey-ho let's go!
BrassBalls707
Member
Day 1/30
I'm checking back in to continue reporting daily, as opposed to what I've said before. Not being occupied mentally with this struggle daily lead to me becoming complacent and eventually stopping my reports. I eventually relapsed as well, and have been unsuccessful in rebooting as I undid all the changes I had made thus far. It is clear I need a place to think, organize and plan.
I still have the same issues, but am more confident now that I know what killed my momentum the last time. It's also worth noting I lost access to this account and received no reset email. An excuse on my part to continue reporting here, since I could have just made a new account.
To start, I'm rereading my posts here and reapplying what I had changed thus far.
I'm checking back in to continue reporting daily, as opposed to what I've said before. Not being occupied mentally with this struggle daily lead to me becoming complacent and eventually stopping my reports. I eventually relapsed as well, and have been unsuccessful in rebooting as I undid all the changes I had made thus far. It is clear I need a place to think, organize and plan.
I still have the same issues, but am more confident now that I know what killed my momentum the last time. It's also worth noting I lost access to this account and received no reset email. An excuse on my part to continue reporting here, since I could have just made a new account.
To start, I'm rereading my posts here and reapplying what I had changed thus far.
BrassBalls707
Member
Day 2/30
I read through my previous posts and their replies and wrote down what I did to help me thus far, as a reminder. I moved my phone away from where I study or pass time, and kept it on the other side of the room when sleeping. When I was particularly bored I read and exercised, which helped steer me away from triggering material. I had no urges to act on today. That's about all for now.
I read through my previous posts and their replies and wrote down what I did to help me thus far, as a reminder. I moved my phone away from where I study or pass time, and kept it on the other side of the room when sleeping. When I was particularly bored I read and exercised, which helped steer me away from triggering material. I had no urges to act on today. That's about all for now.
BrassBalls707
Member
Day 3/30
Noticed some urges I managed to curb in the evening. So far keeping my phone at more than an arm's length has helped tremendously. Nothing else to report.
Noticed some urges I managed to curb in the evening. So far keeping my phone at more than an arm's length has helped tremendously. Nothing else to report.
BrassBalls707
Member
Day 4/30
As stress and pressure rear their head, I find myself thinking about picking up my phone to pass time and largely I believe, to cope. Despite not having any urges, I still find it remarkable how a habit has formed that eventually would stimulate an urge to form. I am glad I had the strength to curb those today. It's getting harder, but I am hanging on. Almost a sixth of the way there. I am continuing to apply what I had learned helped me before. I am also noticing increased effort regarding working out and other activities. For the first time in a long time, I meditated today. I haven't spent today quite as much 'on autopilot' as before.
Going strong.
As stress and pressure rear their head, I find myself thinking about picking up my phone to pass time and largely I believe, to cope. Despite not having any urges, I still find it remarkable how a habit has formed that eventually would stimulate an urge to form. I am glad I had the strength to curb those today. It's getting harder, but I am hanging on. Almost a sixth of the way there. I am continuing to apply what I had learned helped me before. I am also noticing increased effort regarding working out and other activities. For the first time in a long time, I meditated today. I haven't spent today quite as much 'on autopilot' as before.
Going strong.
BrassBalls707
Member
Day 5/30
I have been occupied insofar I barely registered any urges. Once again, I did notice some around the evening and chose to tolerate them. Nothing came of them, but I heard my brain begin to rationalize porn use and discovered that besides it being 'pleasant', it is a massive cope for me. Time flies by rapidly, and occupies you entirely with finding that 'right' video or image. It completely shuts down my awareness/conscientiousness, which I have spent the last week trying to cultivate. I am glad to say that I notice progress on all fronts in my life, but I can't isolate lack of PMO as the source. It is likely in combination with other healthy decisions I am making.
Another observation is one I found while browsing YouTube. Due to the channels I follow and the content they produce, YouTube believes me a prime target for ads on borderline nsfw or softcore mobile games. I absolutely despise them, and have done so for as long as I can remember. They just serve to trigger me, and for every ad I select as "inappropriate", there are two more. It's exhausting and feels neverending. It makes me a bit cynical, but it does make me often second guess if I *absolutely* need to use YouTube that time or not.
That's about all I got for today.
I remember last time I attempted this, I struggled a lot around the halfway mark (15 days). I am not looking forward to it, especially because I will soon experience a lot of stress and will have my guard down. Another reason to better sort my life out. It's all connected. To improve one aspect is to indirectly improve another. For example, practicing meditation to cultivate conscientiousness, helps stay aware of triggers and the urges they provoke before they overtake you.
Onwards.
I have been occupied insofar I barely registered any urges. Once again, I did notice some around the evening and chose to tolerate them. Nothing came of them, but I heard my brain begin to rationalize porn use and discovered that besides it being 'pleasant', it is a massive cope for me. Time flies by rapidly, and occupies you entirely with finding that 'right' video or image. It completely shuts down my awareness/conscientiousness, which I have spent the last week trying to cultivate. I am glad to say that I notice progress on all fronts in my life, but I can't isolate lack of PMO as the source. It is likely in combination with other healthy decisions I am making.
Another observation is one I found while browsing YouTube. Due to the channels I follow and the content they produce, YouTube believes me a prime target for ads on borderline nsfw or softcore mobile games. I absolutely despise them, and have done so for as long as I can remember. They just serve to trigger me, and for every ad I select as "inappropriate", there are two more. It's exhausting and feels neverending. It makes me a bit cynical, but it does make me often second guess if I *absolutely* need to use YouTube that time or not.
That's about all I got for today.
I remember last time I attempted this, I struggled a lot around the halfway mark (15 days). I am not looking forward to it, especially because I will soon experience a lot of stress and will have my guard down. Another reason to better sort my life out. It's all connected. To improve one aspect is to indirectly improve another. For example, practicing meditation to cultivate conscientiousness, helps stay aware of triggers and the urges they provoke before they overtake you.
Onwards.
BrassBalls707
Member
Day 6/30
I experienced a lot of triggers today but managed to control myself. The sudden influx of stress hit me like a train but luckily I am too exhausted now to even consider PMO. I remind myself of what William said in this post about quitting addictions having to be nr.1 on your priority list, and that if it wasn't, it meant you weren't ready. I aim to take that seriously (even at a cost). Besides the stress of college and my future I still put this first, because I can't function in a world of both PMO (or other addictions) and academics. The former HAS TO precede the latter in being handled, it's how I have come to understand how I function. Academics are inflated in my head to be the hardest to do, so it needs to be preceded by something easier.It's easy to procrastinate and not do something you know you should, but it's mighty fucked up to deny yourself to work on assignments because you haven't worked out yet or meditated. I know this is just my situation. I'd rather be working a shitty job while working on myself and then enrolling, instead of teetering on the edge of failing out of college while working on myself. Yet it fucking sucks. It makes me incredibly sad to think about the time and effort wasted, not only academically...
I used to relax or calm myself down by using PMO as a cope for stress or pressure or whatever but I have a feeling that it facilitated ignoring stress or allowing my capacity for it to grow, which inadvertently resulted in more procrastination as the stress limit became higher.
As I pushed for a deadline, I felt my brain speak of "rewards", or "deserved relaxation" or "enjoyment" but I managed to quickly shut those thoughts off. It's strange but whereas I once welcomed them, they now haunt (
) me. To put it into perspective, it feels like a devil on your shoulder.
Cutting PMO (and my internet addiction) just gave me so much time, and in conjunction with trying to tolerate boredom (less/no dopaminergic activities) I've realized a few things. It got me to look forward to the future, not only concerning partners. It's given me more time to contemplate my present, past and future and given me the opportunity to think about what I want from life. It's daunting (which is partly why I coped) but I rest assured those feelings are normal and necessary in a human life. My mental state feels more "normal", which is a huge leap for me. My emotional state is a fucking mess, still, but it sill get better in time with these changes. I am certain.
Onwards.
I experienced a lot of triggers today but managed to control myself. The sudden influx of stress hit me like a train but luckily I am too exhausted now to even consider PMO. I remind myself of what William said in this post about quitting addictions having to be nr.1 on your priority list, and that if it wasn't, it meant you weren't ready. I aim to take that seriously (even at a cost). Besides the stress of college and my future I still put this first, because I can't function in a world of both PMO (or other addictions) and academics. The former HAS TO precede the latter in being handled, it's how I have come to understand how I function. Academics are inflated in my head to be the hardest to do, so it needs to be preceded by something easier.It's easy to procrastinate and not do something you know you should, but it's mighty fucked up to deny yourself to work on assignments because you haven't worked out yet or meditated. I know this is just my situation. I'd rather be working a shitty job while working on myself and then enrolling, instead of teetering on the edge of failing out of college while working on myself. Yet it fucking sucks. It makes me incredibly sad to think about the time and effort wasted, not only academically...
I used to relax or calm myself down by using PMO as a cope for stress or pressure or whatever but I have a feeling that it facilitated ignoring stress or allowing my capacity for it to grow, which inadvertently resulted in more procrastination as the stress limit became higher.
As I pushed for a deadline, I felt my brain speak of "rewards", or "deserved relaxation" or "enjoyment" but I managed to quickly shut those thoughts off. It's strange but whereas I once welcomed them, they now haunt (
) me. To put it into perspective, it feels like a devil on your shoulder.Cutting PMO (and my internet addiction) just gave me so much time, and in conjunction with trying to tolerate boredom (less/no dopaminergic activities) I've realized a few things. It got me to look forward to the future, not only concerning partners. It's given me more time to contemplate my present, past and future and given me the opportunity to think about what I want from life. It's daunting (which is partly why I coped) but I rest assured those feelings are normal and necessary in a human life. My mental state feels more "normal", which is a huge leap for me. My emotional state is a fucking mess, still, but it sill get better in time with these changes. I am certain.
Onwards.
BrassBalls707
Member
Day 7/30
I used instagram today and encountered (even looked for!) triggering material. Every day, I realize more and more how all my problematic behaviors are connected. I struggled hard today because I used the internet so much. Luckily I managed to pull myself back from PMO. More and more, I've been meditating, and setting myself aside to tolerate myself and boredom. It seems to help curbing impulsive (trained) actions that result in dopamine. Browsing, chatting, gaming etc are all still constantly on my mind, and I am becoming more aware of it and can more easily prevent it, although I wasted a lot of time browsing and chatting today. I will get better. I changed the layout of the app I most often use to make it as unappealing as possible. It seems to work for me. The images and gifs don't load, videos don't have a preview, profile pictures are removed and most colors are desaturated and sound is gone. It looks like an AOL type chatting service now, and I can feel the need to start conversations or post things diminish.
I am prioritising sleep over everything else to keep myself in good shape. I feel more confident that things will turn out okay and that I'll finally be able to stop PMO. I can do this. This is just the beginning. I am looking forward to making more changes and seeing the results.
Onwards.
I used instagram today and encountered (even looked for!) triggering material. Every day, I realize more and more how all my problematic behaviors are connected. I struggled hard today because I used the internet so much. Luckily I managed to pull myself back from PMO. More and more, I've been meditating, and setting myself aside to tolerate myself and boredom. It seems to help curbing impulsive (trained) actions that result in dopamine. Browsing, chatting, gaming etc are all still constantly on my mind, and I am becoming more aware of it and can more easily prevent it, although I wasted a lot of time browsing and chatting today. I will get better. I changed the layout of the app I most often use to make it as unappealing as possible. It seems to work for me. The images and gifs don't load, videos don't have a preview, profile pictures are removed and most colors are desaturated and sound is gone. It looks like an AOL type chatting service now, and I can feel the need to start conversations or post things diminish.
I am prioritising sleep over everything else to keep myself in good shape. I feel more confident that things will turn out okay and that I'll finally be able to stop PMO. I can do this. This is just the beginning. I am looking forward to making more changes and seeing the results.
Onwards.
BrassBalls707
Member
Day 8/30
Today was a battle. Any emotional grievance triggers this damned coping mechanism. I am ashamed this has gone on for this long. My brain has gotten used to it, denying it the same treatment is making me ill. I am not craving 24/7, but I am certain some psychosomatic issues are connected. I can not sleep when I want/need to. I wake up often when I do. I have frequent headaches. My concentration wavers to dopaminergic activities constantly. I do not feel at peace. Is this normal?
I faltered and binged internet a lot today. I wasted a lot of time. I coped, I didn't meditate to clear my head, yet still no PMO. A success I focus on despite the failure of another l.
I will endure it. This is a struggle I choose. Suffering I opt into. I want to do this.
Onwards.
Today was a battle. Any emotional grievance triggers this damned coping mechanism. I am ashamed this has gone on for this long. My brain has gotten used to it, denying it the same treatment is making me ill. I am not craving 24/7, but I am certain some psychosomatic issues are connected. I can not sleep when I want/need to. I wake up often when I do. I have frequent headaches. My concentration wavers to dopaminergic activities constantly. I do not feel at peace. Is this normal?
I faltered and binged internet a lot today. I wasted a lot of time. I coped, I didn't meditate to clear my head, yet still no PMO. A success I focus on despite the failure of another l.
I will endure it. This is a struggle I choose. Suffering I opt into. I want to do this.
Onwards.
If you need some more support to lose some of the angst, here are two recommendations that others have found useful. If they're not for you, that's fine too.
http://spaa-recovery.org/
www.pornaddictsanonymous.org.
http://spaa-recovery.org/
www.pornaddictsanonymous.org.
BrassBalls707
Member
Day 9-10/30
Late report here. I didn't feel like I had much to report, but didn't want to make the same mistake I did in February so here we are.
I continue to struggle combining all my actions. I cut porn, I cut mindless browsing, I cut videogaming and I cut going to sleep late.
Working out has gotten me tired earlier and wishing for sleep, in combination with my choice to read more (tires my eyes). That's good so far.
Videogaming isn't as hard to cut either because I simply don't enjoy videogames anymore as much as I used to. I get far less absorbed into them.
I find that mindless browsing is the hardest to stop. By using my laptop I quickly listen to impulses that drive me into attention traps that take my time scrolling, chatting, browsing, surfing, writing etc when I know I shouldn't. I slipped up today, and I felt the need use PMO increase too. I am certain that there is overlap in neurons between the "browsing for inspiration/entertainment" and porn. Like a non-sexual Coolidge-effect or something.
Anyways, I'm still determined to get to 30 days and move the limit up, these were some of the (un)related thoughts I had since yesterday.
Onwards.
Late report here. I didn't feel like I had much to report, but didn't want to make the same mistake I did in February so here we are.
I continue to struggle combining all my actions. I cut porn, I cut mindless browsing, I cut videogaming and I cut going to sleep late.
Working out has gotten me tired earlier and wishing for sleep, in combination with my choice to read more (tires my eyes). That's good so far.
Videogaming isn't as hard to cut either because I simply don't enjoy videogames anymore as much as I used to. I get far less absorbed into them.
I find that mindless browsing is the hardest to stop. By using my laptop I quickly listen to impulses that drive me into attention traps that take my time scrolling, chatting, browsing, surfing, writing etc when I know I shouldn't. I slipped up today, and I felt the need use PMO increase too. I am certain that there is overlap in neurons between the "browsing for inspiration/entertainment" and porn. Like a non-sexual Coolidge-effect or something.
Anyways, I'm still determined to get to 30 days and move the limit up, these were some of the (un)related thoughts I had since yesterday.
Onwards.