Unbusting my balls

[BrassBalls707]

Day 6/30

Really playing with fire by browsing porn out of boredom, I'm getting better at catching myself however. It's like I've forgotten it's a problem. Addictions truly are lifelong things. I'm rooting for everyone fighting this fight. Don't forget your why's. Have the answer ready.

Onwards.

 

[BrassBalls707]

Day 7/30
One week bust-free! I can't believe it's been a week already. I couldn't go a single day without PMO for the longest time. It helps to realise I've done this before, and that It's just another day to say "No, not today."

I felt it was necessary to post sooner rather than later, to ground myself in the struggle. Morning are particularly troublesome, mainly due to the spike in testosterone, and in libido as a result. I also attribute it to my medication wearing out. When I am not on it, I lack drive and purpose. It does make me feel like a junkie, rushing to my cabinet to swallow a pill. However, it does seem like it's for all the good reasons and I know how weird that sounds .

My last talk with my psychologist in cognitive behavioral therapy was related to negative apperceptions or beliefs of the self. In short, we talked about (un)conscious thoughts that affected our mood and influenced our behaviors. As a young adult with a history of untreated ADD and depression caused by academic struggles and family issues there is a lot to unravel. I am satisfied easily, only to then fall back into old habits or realize there is more to reflect upon. I proposed to do positive journaling, so I'm adding that to my to do list from now on to ensure I don't (un)counsciously stew around in negativity. I am spending most of my time finding my purpose and feeding my drive, so I hope that will be fixed soon. (Then again, depression does tend to pull the rug out from under that so if anyone reading this has resources surrounding this topic please share )

There's also a signalisation-grid I made in therapy a year or so ago. It aims to connect states of mind to colors, ranging from green (all is well) to yellow, orange and red. Each color has associated "tells" in behavior and thoughts. Then, I worked with it to get a bead on (physiological or mental) stress and unresolved emotions. Now I believe urges regarding PMO fit on that grid as well. I would say they're code yellow, cause
1. I'm not actively doing something I planned for and my mind can drift off (which is a massive issue for me) and
2. I risk binging on dopamine through other bad habits as well once I lose sight of my 'why's'.

In other words, it's a shortcut to a range of compulsive, lamentable behaviors (code red) that I want to desperately avoid. You could argue that chasing peace from these behaviors brings stress as well and I'd agree. That's what I'd try to ameliorate with positive journaling and meditation. I think it best to do the former after dinner, and the latter at any point but at least once a day. In any case, it's on my daily to-do list now .
I'm leaving a quote here from the book: "The subtle art of not giving a fuck" I read years ago.

"This is because desiring a positive experience is itself a negative experience, while accepting a negative experience is a positive experience. So in terms of being happy, trying to be happy only highlights all the ways that you're unhappy."
- Mark Manson

 

[BrassBalls707]

Day 9/30

Posting to remind myself. I struggled hard today and browsed porn in moments of weakness. I slept very little and didn't follow my routine due to a family event early in the morning. I went to a dorm party and had alcohol, there were a lot of couples there. Some women gave me positive attention and often 'acidentally' entered my physical space. I've never disliked it, but I became anxious about relapse as I consider physical touch a strong stimulus. I don't want to accuse people that try to escalate or show interest with touch frivolous, but through drinking games they profiled themselves as such. I sat elsewhere as soon as I could. I believe prolonged exposure to that behavior and attention would have imperiled what I'm trying to achieve here. If I have sex at all, it has to be taken mostly as serious as I take this journal. E.g with a partner and not with a one night stand.

In essence, that event sparked an urge in me towards PMO, then and now when I recall it. Extremely proud I didn't cave today. This only emphasises how important my morning routine is. Without it, I naturally drift towards compulsive behaviors. I played way too many videogames today for example, likely to distract myself from yesterday. PMO was simply next on the list it feels like... I withstood the wave of urges.

Reading this back, it sounds juvenile. But that doesn't matter, cause this is my anonymous journal with my thoughts. This is the place to put them.

Tomorrow is another day. I look forward to it.

Onwards.

 

[BrassBalls707]

Day 10/30

I browsed porn on two occasions today. Once because I failed to respond to the urge (lack of focus) and a second time when I was tired, felt unfulfilled and desired comfort. I think personally that's what it is, something to provide purpose and comfort. That's what I'm going to seek tomorrow. I imagine continuing to job hunt and spend time on friends and hobbies will remedy the purposelesness, but comfort I find hard to imagine. Doing nice things for oneself, engaging in relaxing activities (sleeping well, taking naps, showering consciously or taking a bath, meditating, keeping a positive journal, exercising for that sense of relief...) etc may be that? I must try those out and reflect. Otherwise I will relapse sooner or later with this behavior.

I'm 100% sure my brain is trying to convince me that "Watching porn is fine cause you just did it and didn't masturbate right?!" and that shit makes me seethe.

It's exactly that kind of unconscious self talk that eases me back into misery. I need this shit to stop. I don't want the false comfort PMO provides. I don't want to spend hours scrolling mindlessly beating my meat red. I don't want to desensitize myself to human experiences like sex. I don't want this to be an acute problem when I meet someone I like. Matter of fact, this PMO behavior is keeping me from meeting people I may like. The PMO cycle claims time that could be spent socialising and it fucks with my libido. It upends normal desire, motivation and action towards romantic opportunities. I fucking hate this shit it's done to my brain. It's turned me into a subhuman semen dispenser. If I need to work myself up over it and curse at its entirety here to help change it, I will. I feel like I need to stay angry at this to find the will to say "No." every single fucking day. My tolerance to PMO turned into complacency and now I'm FUCKED for it. I will NOT relapse. Fuck you PMO. Fuck you, fuck you and fuck you.

Stay angry gents.

 

[BrassBalls707]

Day 11/30

No urges today, I was far too busy with other activities. I was hosting a game night and I had to prepare, which sucked up all my attention. I really want to make it to 90 days because that's when it gets easier I've read. Until that time, I need to cement these bedtime routine and morning habits. It's safe to say I have purpose mostly checked off, but comfort remains an issue. I try to take things slower, like eating and showering to really focus on the texture of the food and its taste, or feeling the warm water flowing past... but it remains hard to focus on. I'm not used to doing it consciously, I've always perceived these as chores and not as a pleasure. I have also yet to do a positive/gratification journal. I believe my negative perception is making me neglect it. It feels as if my brain is saying beforehand: "Why bother journaling, you have nothing to be thankful for - per se -...".

That thought or feeling is utter dogshit and I will change it, I know I can if I think about it. I'm just not inclined to think about positives. I was never taught and I never needed to cause I could cope with porn and videogames. I need to meditate or reflect on what other negative thoughts I have of myself. Those will be key to reshaping my confidence and lasting motivation.

Onwards.

 

[BrassBalls707]

Day 12/30

I briefly engaged in PM today, I stopped and made time to post here. As a counter-action, I even read some posts on this forum from a decade ago and replied to another to get my mind back in the fight.
I behaved compulsively today, not only through P&M. Videogames, youtube, the whole nine yards... I read through my entire journal again. I realized that there's a lot of things I'm not applying, or insights I'm not making actionable. I still haven't made a gratitude journal, not even thought of it. Amongst these things I've forgotten or ignored, there's a whole lot more I missed today cause I didn't provide any structure for myself in the morning. I take my medication late, and when I do I usually consider the day a lost cause anyways.

This is all indicative of a massive fucking backslide, and I want to suckerpunch this bitch back up into the stratosphere. I added many of the things I journaled about here to my notes, schedule and task list. They'll be ready for me in the morning. I need to let my worst self rely on my best self. When I'm on top, I have to stretch out my hands to catch myself. It's not an emergency rope, it's the entire latticework I'm maintaining to climb in the first place. It's not just necessary to stay afloat in this fathomless abyss, it's the compassionate thing to do. Is it self-pity or self-empathy? Is it allowing yourself to grieve, to feel negative emotion otherwise obscured by addiction? It's all of the above I think. It pays to remember that this process is supposed to suck. It's natural for it to suck. As I quoted before, I need to accept these negative experiences for what they are. It's facing a relentless beating of self-imposed reality checks, waking me up from a decade of delusions. Obviously that's something I'm trying to avoid! That sounds miserable! But only then do I make room for unrestrained positive emotions.

A final anecdote to this update, I thought of another analogy related to my near-relapse. Having my phone in my pocket is like an alcoholic carrying a flask around. Then it hit me. I just need to backslide for 5 seconds and I am approaching terminal speeds. A single damned impulse that slips through the cracks. That's not winnable, that's unavoidable. That's how quick it goes. At home and in private, that flat brick of unprecedented accessibility shouldn't be in my fucking pantaloons dude.

I'm going to leave it within earshot, but not within easy reach.

So I'm going to continue gunning for 36 days, my last record. After that, the sky is the limit.

Onwards and upwards.

 

[BrassBalls707]

Day 13/30

I noticed that taking my medication as soon as possible in the morning is necessary to kickstart my day properly. To spend my first hour of the day planning things out. As I noted yesterday, it was beneficial to have some of that done already beforehand, but it didn't allow me to slip into full gear as I thought it would.

I made a mental gratitude journal, and showered without being in a hurry. I felt more comfortable than before, and I'm also refining my bedtime routines. These helped, perhaps moreso if I didn't play any videogames. They're seriously getting in the way of jobhunting and that pressure looms over me. I'm looking into reducing games and sticking to reading and other hobbies at designated or limited times. I can't have one cope replace another. In this instance, I believe I'm gaming to escape the sense of shame and guilt of being unproductive, of not applying myself. My father is the king of unsollicited advice, so as a young adult you can imagine the vexing "look for a job" preaching routine.

I've given this advice to others, so I don't want to be the hypocrite by not following it myself. If you feel worse during or after playing games, you need to reconsider the type of game and duration of play. I'm going to limit myself to an hour a day and verify if I can trust myself to respect that.

As for PMO, I had no urges today but I did think of it. It was of no consequence as I was amongst friends. We went to see a movie and had food afterwards. I enjoyed the movie, cracked jokes, I felt normal. When I got home I felt drained and couldn't find joy anywhere. It reminds me of my friend that struggles with clinical depression. He tends to make light of everything and joke and laugh but alone and inside he's the definition of mellow and melancholic. Maybe it was my medication that ran out. Maybe it was the big meal draining my energy or a lack of sleep. Maybe my social battery got depleted. Maybe I still haven't worked through that guilt. I think it may be the latter. I will meditate on that.

I could have done a better job of moving my phone elsewhere. I'm going to put it on my closet, out of sight and out of mind unless it rings.


Changes:
- Put phone out of sight
- Make morning and bedtime routines more pleasant (take time to shower, groom, read and eventually sleep)
- Meditate on feelings of guilt (shirking responsibilities, overindulging on internet)
- Engage in gratitude journaling every day.
- Reduce gaming to a maximum of one hour.

Onwardsss

 

[BrassBalls707]

Day 14/30

I start writing today at 4:30pm with a heavy sigh, helping me clear the stupor. I did not relapse PMO, but a great and terrible gaming binge did I suffer. I started playing around 7:45 yesterday night, reminding myself that an hour of play would see me logging out by 9pm at the latest. I ended up logging out by 5am the morning after. Yes, I got that right. I played for 9 hours straight. I am going to reflect on this further below, so the majority will be about videogame addiction. I'm seperating this from the last paragraph, which will be about PMO and my goals sets yesterday.

To me this "great and terrible binge" makes it abundantly clear that I need to treat videogames with the same caution as PMO. I made several mistakes, like not setting an alarm to remind myself of elapsed time. I also made the mistake of not sticking to my purpose for playing (it's an MMO in which you decide your own objectives). The game includes many objectives, which inadvertently contribute to an overall sense of progression. To prevent myself from overdosing as I did yesterday by jumping from one task to the next, I write down what I want to enjoy and accomplish in the game. I did so and was immediately derailed. In addiction psychology terms: I was triggered by something unexpected. The game provides a daily login bonus (an unethical practice that teaches to frequently revisit the game and I'm still resistant towards, but that's beside the point). The game rewarded me with a time limited modifier (19h) that effectively doubles the materials you collect. The incentive to use this to its full extent requires no explanation, so when I saw this I immediately course-corrected to play for as long as my conscience allowed me. This turned out to be 8 or 9 hours. I was so focused on gathering more and more materials, multitasking to include other objectives and so on and so forth, that I woke up 6 hours later with the same doggedness I went to sleep with. I neglected breakfast, or any semblance of a morning (noon actually) routine that I continued to play this afternoon to the very moment it ran out. It was directly after that I felt entangled by shame, guilt and regret.

I thought I was beyond this.

My gaming habits have balanced out by applying life planning strategies and performing different hobbies. I hadn't considered gaming could become such a problem until I intended to observe my behavior with it with my previous report. It's clear to me the triggering factor was the random incentive the game provided. I'm aware modifiers in the game can be bought, so it strikes me as typical addict behavior to "get while the getting is good". It's the same as an alcoholic unexpectedly getting a free keg or happy hour offers, it's a porn addict suddenly suffering their own privacy, it's a drug addict getting a free sample... It takes an unfathomable amount of conscientiousness to reject these. The wise thing to do would be to avoid encountering this in the first place, to avoid bars, to avoid privacy, to avoid the drug dealer... If you can't take it, forsake it.
It frightens me to consider giving up videogames entirely. I know it must be done, but I don't want to. They have long filled a void of purposelessness in me, so long in fact it feels like an integral part of who I am. I think deep down that if I tear that part out, the abyss inside me will be undeniable. After years of therapy and psychoeducation there is no time like the present to confront what lies underneath, but I can't do it (yet). I don't even know if I want to learn how to stop 'wanting' it. It's definitely something that requires more insight. As it stands, videogame addiction is a tributary in my river of vulnerabilities that eventually will lead into PMO. This needs to be addressed further so I can continue building dams around PMO until its tributary runs dry.

On the bright side, I recognize that yesterday and today provided strong triggers towards PMO and I swatted them away easily. I immediately thought "That will make me more miserable." which is a large improvement from believing it will somehow 'help'. I also put my phone out of sight (and mind) for the majority of yesterday and today. I only used it to make plans with family and friends. It was perhaps when I used instagram that I watched videos sent to me. That was also corrected by giving people my phone number in case they wanted to meet. It makes me feel alright with not consulting messages there. People know they shouldn't communicate with me there as of now. My morning and bedtime routines are severely lacking, as explained above. This can be remedied by planning non-technological activities before bed. Since I must force myself to read lately, I think showering before bed to get me in that mood will help. I'm trying this tonight. I also meditated on my feelings of guilt to the degree that there was emotional release. It wasn't as cathartic as I had hoped, so I will do this once more today. My gratitude journal is better kept written, since doing it mentally is too shallow for my intentions. It's mostly an afterthought at the moment and doesn't have the desired effect. That effect is namely to spend time identifying and focusing on positive, daily experiences. This serves to counter over a decade of (sub)conscious negativity. I will write it down in my notes right after I finish this post, since it feels too juvenile for me to include in this report. As you can tell, PMO took a background role. That doesn't mean I need to let my guard down. Awareness precedes control.

Changes:
- Put phone out of sight.
- Make morning and bedtime routines more pleasant. (Wash and read before bed, work up an appetite for breakfast)
- Meditate on feelings of guilt, shame and regret.
- Engage in gratitude journaling every day.
- Reduce gaming to a maximum of one hour per day.
- Reflect on my relationship with videogames.

Stand proud gents.

 

[the_mountain_goat]

Day 14/30

I start writing today at 4:30pm with a heavy sigh, helping me clear the stupor. I did not relapse PMO, but a great and terrible gaming binge did I suffer. I started playing around 7:45 yesterday night, reminding myself that an hour of play would see me logging out by 9pm at the latest. I ended up logging out by 5am the morning after. Yes, I got that right. I played for 9 hours straight. I am going to reflect on this further below, so the majority will be about videogame addiction. I'm seperating this from the last paragraph, which will be about PMO and my goals sets yesterday.

To me this "great and terrible binge" makes it abundantly clear that I need to treat videogames with the same caution as PMO. I made several mistakes, like not setting an alarm to remind myself of elapsed time. I also made the mistake of not sticking to my purpose for playing (it's an MMO in which you decide your own objectives). The game includes many objectives, which inadvertently contribute to an overall sense of progression. To prevent myself from overdosing as I did yesterday by jumping from one task to the next, I write down what I want to enjoy and accomplish in the game. I did so and was immediately derailed. In addiction psychology terms: I was triggered by something unexpected. The game provides a daily login bonus (an unethical practice that teaches to frequently revisit the game and I'm still resistant towards, but that's beside the point). The game rewarded me with a time limited modifier (19h) that effectively doubles the materials you collect. The incentive to use this to its full extent requires no explanation, so when I saw this I immediately course-corrected to play for as long as my conscience allowed me. This turned out to be 8 or 9 hours. I was so focused on gathering more and more materials, multitasking to include other objectives and so on and so forth, that I woke up 6 hours later with the same doggedness I went to sleep with. I neglected breakfast, or any semblance of a morning (noon actually) routine that I continued to play this afternoon to the very moment it ran out. It was directly after that I felt entangled by shame, guilt and regret.

I thought I was beyond this.

My gaming habits have balanced out by applying life planning strategies and performing different hobbies. I hadn't considered gaming could become such a problem until I intended to observe my behavior with it with my previous report. It's clear to me the triggering factor was the random incentive the game provided. I'm aware modifiers in the game can be bought, so it strikes me as typical addict behavior to "get while the getting is good". It's the same as an alcoholic unexpectedly getting a free keg or happy hour offers, it's a porn addict suddenly suffering their own privacy, it's a drug addict getting a free sample... It takes an unfathomable amount of conscientiousness to reject these. The wise thing to do would be to avoid encountering this in the first place, to avoid bars, to avoid privacy, to avoid the drug dealer... If you can't take it, forsake it.
It frightens me to consider giving up videogames entirely. I know it must be done, but I don't want to. They have long filled a void of purposelessness in me, so long in fact it feels like an integral part of who I am. I think deep down that if I tear that part out, the abyss inside me will be undeniable. After years of therapy and psychoeducation there is no time like the present to confront what lies underneath, but I can't do it (yet). I don't even know if I want to learn how to stop 'wanting' it. It's definitely something that requires more insight. As it stands, videogame addiction is a tributary in my river of vulnerabilities that eventually will lead into PMO. This needs to be addressed further so I can continue building dams around PMO until its tributary runs dry.

On the bright side, I recognize that yesterday and today provided strong triggers towards PMO and I swatted them away easily. I immediately thought "That will make me more miserable." which is a large improvement from believing it will somehow 'help'. I also put my phone out of sight (and mind) for the majority of yesterday and today. I only used it to make plans with family and friends. It was perhaps when I used instagram that I watched videos sent to me. That was also corrected by giving people my phone number in case they wanted to meet. It makes me feel alright with not consulting messages there. People know they shouldn't communicate with me there as of now. My morning and bedtime routines are severely lacking, as explained above. This can be remedied by planning non-technological activities before bed. Since I must force myself to read lately, I think showering before bed to get me in that mood will help. I'm trying this tonight. I also meditated on my feelings of guilt to the degree that there was emotional release. It wasn't as cathartic as I had hoped, so I will do this once more today. My gratitude journal is better kept written, since doing it mentally is too shallow for my intentions. It's mostly an afterthought at the moment and doesn't have the desired effect. That effect is namely to spend time identifying and focusing on positive, daily experiences. This serves to counter over a decade of (sub)conscious negativity. I will write it down in my notes right after I finish this post, since it feels too juvenile for me to include in this report. As you can tell, PMO took a background role. That doesn't mean I need to let my guard down. Awareness precedes control.

Changes:
- Put phone out of sight.
- Make morning and bedtime routines more pleasant. (Wash and read before bed, work up an appetite for breakfast)
- Meditate on feelings of guilt, shame and regret.
- Engage in gratitude journaling every day.
- Reduce gaming to a maximum of one hour per day.
- Reflect on my relationship with videogames.

Stand proud gents.

@BrassBalls707 - thanks for sharing this tough but enlightening moment. I'm impressed by the similarities between videoagming and porn addictions. I'm impressed by your self awareness. You seem to have a lot of clarity on what you're putting yourself through, and that's huge.

Good luck and stay strong!

And, thanks a lot again your wise words on my thread!

 

[BrassBalls707]

Day 15/30

In an effort to make my life more trigger-free, I erased porn that remained on my laptop. I was exhilarated to handle it, and before I knew it I was looking at it instead of deleting it. I looked at it until my eyes started to itch. I was enthralled, but fortunately I was frightened in equal measure. Frightened of losing my streak, of letting myself down, so I endured... I ended up deleting it all. Besides this, there were no further infractions. Afterwards I was restless and frustrated, I was tantalized. I had arranged torture for myself and when I escaped it, can you guess what I felt?
Guilt. I can only compare it to Stockholm Syndrome. Have I come to care for my jailer, my captor, my torturer?

I thought "I need PMO. PMO needs me." and it got me thinking. Why do I need it? Why does it need me?
We define the word "need" as:
- require (something) because it is essential or very important rather than just desirable.
- expressing necessity or obligation.

A person needs food and water, in the sense that they would die without it. A person does not need porn to survive. So this feeling or thought I had of "need" is a belief, not a fact. Porn is not necessary to survive, nor do I have a duty towards it. I see a revelation therein. My brain has assumed I have a responsibility to fulfill that favors porn. That implies some manner of dependance. My dependance on the porn or the dependance of the porn on me... Or both? Did I get this right? Porn depends on me?! This is what it feels like.

Porn: "Oh woe is me! Helpless and forlorn! Brass, I need you! How will I survive without you?! "

See how my brain elicits compassion for porn. See how it cravenly manipulates my brain. Porn is not a person or pet that survives on my attention. It can't confront me as a physical threat. It instead claws its gnarled fingers into my desire for comfort and violates my inclination for empathy. Porn is a vacuous thing that holds only as much life as I have invested in it. This is how porn affects my brain. It solicits me for 'help' as some manner of twisted caretaker. In its employ, I am a mindless slave. I now understand what @TryingHarder meant with "siren calls of porn". I have seen you for what you are porn. You can not shrink and hide behind my brain. The porn in my brain believes itself starving. Well, I hope it emaciates into an unwanted, shriveled raisin. It can go eat sand, but it can't eat me.

That besides, I have neglected to stay conscientious of my daily chores, reflection on my relationship with videogames and my time spent online. Neither have I meditated on the negative feelings that drove me to into a daze today for as long as they did. On the other hand, I feel proud about my lack of phone usage and the speed I mustered this morning. Yesterday and today, I have also written my gratitude journal. The benefits seem to be increasing with practice. I trust it will further allow me to see passing days as opportunities for life to be enjoyed. As it stands, the passing days are just squares on a calendar. I want to remedy that sickly apperception. A good example of my gratitude journal today is how it moved me to tears. It was related to a small exchange of messages with my mother, who - albeit sharply - urged me to be less forgiving with someone that owed me. Just that insight gave me a new appreciation for my parent, regardless of what their intentions truly were. It was poignant in the sense that I had long believed my parents hadn't done a good job of raising me, letting the internet nurture me after a divorce 14 years prior. From this I learned that I can choose to learn things from them. This doesn't happen passively. I wish I knew this as a teenager, but then again, what teenager has the mind to learn from their parents . This makes me wonder what else they have tried to teach me, but it feels too late for that. They have always struggled to get through to me and my older sibling, failing to understand what motivated us. Instead, I will stay observant to see where they drop the ball and do it myself. I have the understanding now to pick that ball up however it best suits me.

I'm using symbols to help me indicate the direction of the changes I'm trying to apply. This is what they mean:
- Neutral
- Increase
- Decrease
- Large increase
- Large decrease

Depending on the magnitude and consistency of the effort (or lack thereof), I can use or to shift over to another color. I.e. descending

---

Changes:
- Put phone out of sight.
- Make morning and bedtime routines more pleasant. (Wash and read before bed, work up an appetite for breakfast)
- Meditate on feelings of guilt, shame and regret.
- Engage in gratitude journaling every day.
- Reduce gaming to a maximum of one hour per day.
- Reflect on my relationship with videogames.

Almost forgot,

Onwards!

 

[BrassBalls707]

Reporting for 17/9

Day 16/30

I've passed the halfway point and my resolve is tested. Random erections combined with compounding moments of weakness have me thinking of porn. I mislike my lack of sleep, as it evidently curses my mood and resistance to impulses. I find myself longing to make deeper connections, likely desiring to bounce into a relationship for some sexual fixation. Then again it may be because I lost a coping mechanism that validated me, so perhaps it's simple validation that I'm seeking from women. Spending time with family and friends, helping them our or sharing experiences has been a tremendous countereffort to this problem. I noticed my phone was closer by than usual, and that my morning routines are cumbersome to maintain. I'm still making up for a sleep deficit and a sleepless night sprinkled throughout is making that more difficult that expected. Regardless, I am getting better at managing my nights. It remains important to plan for something to do before bed. It's like the final episode of a good show, you know it's coming and that afterwards it's done You make your peace with it beforehand and make the most of everything before it's all over. You can't have yourself binge and be miffed, having unexpectedly seen the last episode. My days are often like that, a chaos of activities and thoughts I have to arrange and categorize or risk being entirely enthralled by until sudden panic or realization hits. To avoid this, exercising that foresight in planning I learned in Cognitive Behavioral Therapy and task prioritisation + seperation is paramount. I also made little effort to meditate or reflect. I did to some degree after cleaning the kitchen and my room in a frenzy. I was restless this day and couldn't do anything properly as I had to leave home in a few hours to attend a course I teach. I've heard this is common for people with AD(H)D. The "tidying up" was in my signalisation scheme I made in attendance of my psychologist a year prior. I'm glad I had ready to be used and count this as a win. Gratitude journaling is getting easier, and happens more often during the day itself. My restraint towards videogames requires more effort still.

Changes:
- Put phone out of sight.
- Make morning and bedtime routines more pleasant. (Wash and read before bed, work up an appetite for breakfast)
- Meditate on feelings of guilt, shame and regret.
- Engage in gratitude journaling every day.
- Reduce gaming to a maximum of one hour per day.
- Reflect on my relationship with videogames.

 

[BrassBalls707]

Day 17/30

I had a single urge today for PMO so I dropped everything I was doing and sat myself down to observe the urge. My mind wished to fantasize but after a few minutes of trying not to entertain it I began to get weary (long day) and almost took a nap. The lapse in attention did get rid of the urge but it wasn't particularly conscientious.

I slept little and did some gardening and cycling. It felt like I was trying to survive today, and didn't do much conscious things. Spent time with grandmother and my dad, which was pleasant. They told stories of their youth and of eachother. It definitely made my day. That aside, I am sensing a backslide. Tomorrow I will be busy, but I will see to some improvements to the oranges and reds below. That is the least I can muster.

Onwards.

Changes:
- Put phone out of sight.
- Make morning and bedtime routines more pleasant. (Wash and read before bed, work up an appetite for breakfast)
- Meditate on feelings of guilt, shame and regret.
- Engage in gratitude journaling every day.
- Reduce gaming to a maximum of one hour per day.
- Reflect on my relationship with videogames.

 

[BrassBalls707]

Day 18/30

I'm appalled by my backsliding. A comfort is the fact that I still get around to my most important tasks and chores, such as job hunting. I endured some stress today in a time crunch. I was pulled to P under the impulse that "It'd relax me.", which is utter horseshit. I reread my journal posts or sit down to play a mobile puzzle game until the urge fades. I'm not fond of having my phone near me in the case of an urge, so I'm leaving books near the shitter and my couch so I can leave my phone in time-out. I have nothing planned tomorrow, I will use that space to work on the things below. I want to get used to having more things going on. This will increase the need for organization and reflection. Currently, I'm making my days simple and straightforward, allow me to get distracted more often. This is bad practice for people with ADD. I need to renew my efforts and revisit my journal in the morning first thing. I need to include these in my day-to-day schedule. I need to pull the weeds before they reach the garden.

Changes:
- Put phone out of sight.
- Make morning and bedtime routines more pleasant. (Wash and read before bed, work up an appetite for breakfast)
- Meditate on feelings of guilt, shame and regret.
- Engage in gratitude journaling every day.
- Reduce gaming to a maximum of one hour per day.
- Reflect on my relationship with videogames.

Up, up and away.

 

[BrassBalls707]

Day 19/30

I have nothing planned tomorrow, I will use that space to work on the things below.

I regret to realize that I did not in fact, do this. I did revisit my journal first thing in the morning, but I neglected to do anything else. As I contemplate a busy day of party preparations tomorrow, I sit myself down to update this journal and conclude I did not improve much. I did not PMO or let my phone distract me, which is a win. So as I write this is take a break and meditate despite the clock ticking 2 AM, I have a hot tea in hand and reflect unburdened by the pressure of daylight. I realized a few things. One regarding PMO and one regarding my continued struggle with reducing use of videogames.
In regards to PMO, I caught myself smiling as I made lunch, surprised but satisfied with my 19 days of sobriety. It's something I've done only once or twice before and it's something my brain taught me was impossible. I believe to seek comfort within because I identify with it. Throughout my youth I had friend groups but no real sense of belonging. I drifted between them all with no real place where I felt at home. I could only engage in topics of media and pop culture, and found the boredom within anything else intolerable. I wasn't able to enjoy the things others seemed to enjoy, and this implied (and unconciously attributed) some social separation to me. I had school crushes, but never considered to act on them due to the former belief. In addition, I also 'knew' no one could be interested in me romantically or sexually. I had been engaging with PMO already for years up to that point and it felt 'right' to continue doing so. As I said, it felt like a part of me. It is simply 'a thing I do', I felt. I had no concept of its negative impact, and could only worry about getting caught. It felt good, and I could do it whenever I had privacy. It provided me with a (false) sense of comfort. To see a person or depiction of one bare, is to see someone vulnerable. Physically, emotionally, mentally... For all my teenage and adolescent years, no one was vulnerable with me. I needed this, and unconsciously found an abundance of this in porn, although it wasn't substantial.

Since then, I elicit emotional vulnerability in people through empathy and self-disclosure. It had become easier to seperate PMO from my identity. It began to stand out as something redundant, since I could have this need met elsewhere by merit of dedicated, personal effort. Although this began a few years ago, a habit formed is hard to kick, regardless of what your understanding of it is.

I know for a fact I was emotionally repressed, but I now understand this was also the case for intimacy. Conversations with close friends were never about emotional experiences or insight into life. My social interactions entirely lacked this aspect. Whenever I embraced family members, I felt nothing. It was only until later that I realized people do this because it feels comforting, and that I derived nothing from it. Yet I did it, because I believed it to be polite... My lack of desire to 'belong more', my understanding of connecting socially, my oxytocin release from physical embrace... These core human experiences were all stunted by excessive use of PMO. It overshadowed or supplanted them all. I couldn't see these precious, human experiences behind the 'wall of porn'.

Fortunately these days, I seek to connect with people over vulnerabilities and it's deeply satisfying. Campfire talks, late night messages, spontaneous phone calls, inviting people for drinks... I have addressed these deficits. And yet... the threat of PMO looms...
I think a strong driver for PMO in my life is my sexual and romantic experiences. I struggled a lot to find out how to act and behave with women in a way that is both authentic to me and exciting for others. I had a lot of negative experiences with dating, but I can't confidently say this is because of external factors, my behavior at the time, or both. The relevant thing here for me is that: each person I dated lost interest after 2-3 months. The last person I dated I was in mutual agreement with, namely that we'd stop seeing eachother as we had, but all others just... up and left? I understand that attraction can't be negotiated, and that when it's gone, it's gone. I say this because I feel anxious of the possibility that their interest fizzled because of me, and not because of them. When you are in a situationship with a woman and they decide (over text ) to stop seeing you, it feels impossible to get a truthful and actionable reason as to why. Most of the women I have interacted romantically with, could not be confrontational with me. I still desire to connect with women romantically (platonically isn't an issue), but these experiences have definitely bricked my motivation thereto. Until I dismantle this belief that I'm unworthy of continued interest, PMO will have a stronger hold over me. I believe positively reframing my experiences will go a long way to this end. I am going to try to do this with meditation and gratitude journaling.

In regards to my continued struggle with videogames, I think back on my desire for purpose. I have things in life that give me purpose, but I conclude that my engagement with them is lacking or entirely absent when I engage with videogames. This allows me to conclude that:
- Engagement with games can never supersede my purpose(s).
- Engagement with games must be limited to a specific goal and duration.
- Engagement with games can not be in spite of daily routines (sleep, eating, exercising, grooming, working, job hunting...)

E.g. After I go through routines, I make plans to play a certain game, with a specific goal and idea as to how long it will take to accomplish.

I know this sounds archaic and neurotic, but through cognitive behavioral therapy it has become clear to me that to tackle my distractibility and addictive behaviors I need to maintain routines by giving myself structure. These require renewed and continued effort until the habits are formed.

Besides all that, I'm glad I managed to turn some reds into oranges below, although it came at the cost of sleep. PMO is my priority, and these measures serve to keep me in that fight.

Changes:
- Put phone out of sight.
- Make morning and bedtime routines more pleasant. (Wash and read before bed, work up an appetite for breakfast)
- Meditate on feelings (of guilt, shame and regret.)
- Engage in gratitude journaling every day.
- Reduce gaming to a maximum of one hour per day.
- Reflect on my relationship with videogames.

Onwards.

 

[BrassBalls707]

Day 20/30

I spent all day making party preparations and doing chores. I'm positively exhausted. I had no urges (or time for that matter).

Changes:
- Put phone out of sight.
- Make morning and bedtime routines more pleasant. (Wash and read before bed, work up an appetite for breakfast)
- Meditate on feelings (of guilt, shame and regret.)
- Engage in gratitude journaling every day.
- Reduce gaming to a maximum of one hour per day.
- Reflect on my relationship with videogames.

Goodnight

 

[chap]

Day 30

I made it to one month, but the allure of porn stays strong. As long as I 'refresh' it in my mind, it feels like I will never be able to release myself from its pull. I started going to a mental health professional again, the same one I had gone to before. We're working some other things out, and I'll apply what I learn to my porn addiction as they are closely linked.

I have been having doubts about masturbation in general. I've talked to close friends about it and I've looked at papers that mentioned its benefits and downsides. If it is done without external stimulation from porn, without a firm grip and in moderation (like once a week or month at most), it doesn't seem like there are downsides. Recovering addicts are even told by professionals that in order to regain a normal sensitivity and improve their sex life they need to adjust their habits around masturbation. Im addition to that, it seems like abstinence from masturbation is like punishing your biologial state. Surely that libido, drive and urge to mate serves a purpose, I just don't know what that exactly is in today's world.

I know I am playing the advocate of the devil here, and I recognize that it is a dangerous avenue of thought for a recovering porn addict. I would much rather figure out how to learn to live without masturbation, and apply the lessons I've learned in doing so elsewhere.

I know personally though that I could never manage masturbation moderation or slipping back to porn binging, so "Could I maintain a healthy relationship with masturbation?" is not a question I want to ask myself.

I started seeing someone, and I am anxious about the challenges that this will bring. I remember not having issues in the past despite having poor PMO habits. At worst I was insensitive, which makes sense after the abuse and conditioning I put myself through (death grip and escalating preferences).

I believe I could have enjoyed sex much more though, but I don't exactly know what goal I am shooting for there. Maybe that's something to look forward to it the future, unexpected benefits.


Onwards.

very much a place i have been in for a long time. seeing u struggle w the same questions makes me feel like i am not alone. this journey, along with everyone else in this forum, is ours to share. each victory of ours is one to triumph over together, and each loss of ours is one to mourn together. with that said, i appreciate this entry and seeing how far u have come along over the course of nearly a year. i am proud of u, and ik our brothers are too!

 

[chap]

ur system of colored circles is really interesting. i don't quite know how it works, but it seems to be an effective way to display ur current areas of improvement! glad to hear ur positively exhausted. hope ur party preparations continue as planned! keep it up!

Day 20/30

is 20 no MO and 30 no P?

 

[BrassBalls707]

i don't quite know how it works

if you're curious, the colors are in reference to a signalisation scheme. Green means good state of mind, red means terrible and prone to unpreferable behaviors. In this case, the colors would indicate the resulting state of mind. I wanted to form good habits and this is how I think I can best keep track, i.e. to keep most green for as long as possible.

is 20 no MO and 30 no P?

No, it's no PMO (total). I have looked at porn but I don't consider it a whole loss. I know it's bad by itself, but counting them together keeps me more motivated. It's also more simple to keep track.

 

[chap]

very cool, i might have to try something similar! i have been struggling w good habits for the last few weeks.

hmm, im still a little confused. can u explain to me what the 20 means and what the 30 means then? i know that somewhere in there it means no PMO which is great!

 

[BrassBalls707]

can u explain to me what the 20 means and what the 30 means then?

It stands for 20 days out of 30, with the latter being my current goalpost. I'm gunning for 90, which would be a first for me. When I reach it, I'll think about where to go from there. Forever obviously, but I'd like to spend some time compounding my experiences to begin laying tracks towards the sunset so to speak.