Unbusting my balls

BrassBalls707

Active Member
Reporting for 22/9

Day 21/30

I got sick (likely due to a sleep deficit and overexertion) and had a backslide. I cancelled some plans and did nothing productive. I remember a strong urge in the late afternoon which I curbed by reading until it passed. It's worth noting I took no methylphenidate medication, which explains the backslide. I planned to take a nap in the afternoon and wanted to rest properly, which stimulant medication prevents. I was so hung up on having a "bad day" then, I neglected to take medication afterwards. I also had a headache, so I'm not gonna crack down further on behavior of one day. I used to have periods of backsliding that lasted weeks or months. One day is a massive improvement.

Changes:
🟒⏺️- Put phone out of sight.
πŸŸ πŸ”½- Make morning and bedtime routines more pleasant. (Wash and read before bed, work up an appetite for breakfast)
πŸ”΄πŸ”½- Meditate on feelings (of guilt, shame and regret.)
πŸ”΄πŸ”½- Engage in gratitude journaling every day.
πŸ”΄πŸ”½- Reduce gaming to a maximum of one hour per day.
πŸ”΄πŸ”½- Reflect on my relationship with videogames.
 
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BrassBalls707

Active Member
Day 22/30

I continued backsliding until the afternoon. I took my medication this time and did some tidying up and bodyscan meditation. I also reflected a bit more on my behaviors and remembered my revelation about videogames replacing a sense of purpose. With ADD, dopamine and norepinephrine regulation is off and this messes with the brain's reward system. Starting my day with videogames and other sources of easy psychological arousal bricks the trajectory of my daily welfare. I derive a sense of accomplishment from resolved tasks that by the end of the day I can reward. Seeing how I switched these around, makes the deregulated reward system far more apparent. This behavior accentuates my ADD-related complaints. On medication, these are alleviated and it makes it easier to choose otherwise (sooner) or course-correct from a mangled trajectory.

Concerning PMO, I read that methylphenidate medication induces euphoria and alleviates symptoms of depressive disorders much like SSRIs. PMO - especially O - seems to be this maladaptive solution to depression I indulged when I didn't have medication. Reading more, I found overlap between ADD and major depressive disorder, namely that both have deficient neurotransmission (dopamine and norepinephrine). I'm not diagnosed with the latter, but my diagnostic report did include severe depression and anxiety related complaints. All in all, I can't help but believe that these two are neurologically entangled and must be addressed together. It's like my life is a sandwich and I picked ingredients mostly blind. I've only begun determining which ingredients influence others, or which ones there are to begin with. The past years this sandwich tasted like dogshit, and I feel like now I've worked up the courage to talk to the manager and change my order. Yes, that's my profound analogy. Life is a shitty sandwich 🀑

Perhaps for other addicts, it's worth considering there is a neurological aspect that facilitates PMO use? Be that the psychological and sexual arousal from P, the compulsive act of M or the euphoric and maladaptive function O has. In any case, this shit is engraved into our brains like a circuit board. Impulses simply follow the tracks that are laid down. Figuring out what and where these tracks (triggers, facilitators, beliefs...) are seems to be the most important thing. Avoid backsliding and relapse, not immediate perfection. Don't immediately shoot high. You will miss and wrongly learn your effort is less valuable than it actually is. Give it time, remember your why's, reward yourself with attention on your progress.

As it stands, I need to keep taking this medication and uphold these behaviors that complement a satisfying life. By merit of neuroplasticity, I simply need to persist and it will all get better. Acknowledging that my brain has deficiencies and vulnerabilities is a loss I need to still emotionally process. It remains hard to seperate this fact from the belief that something is 'broken', which is a cause for a large insecurity I have. But! I take solace in that it leads me to better appreciate the one life I have.

Looking back on my "unproductive day" yesterday, I realize that by choosing to seek the positives I managed to find some. I'm so jaded towards the negative I don't even consider positives. This is why I need to do gratitude journaling. I know this. I forget this. It feels like a never-ending rope-pulling contest with my negative tendencies. The negatives had their time, but no more. Time to dust off the positives. Time to give them a hand. They're behind, but they haven't lost.

Changes:
🟒⏺️- Put phone out of sight.
🟠⏺️- Make morning and bedtime routines more pleasant. (Wash and read before bed, work up an appetite for breakfast)
πŸŸ πŸ”Ό- Meditate on feelings (of guilt, shame and regret.)
πŸŸ πŸ”Ό- Engage in gratitude journaling every day.
πŸ”΄πŸ”½- Reduce gaming to a maximum of one hour per day.
πŸŸ πŸ”Ό- Reflect on my relationship with videogames.

Onwards.
 

BrassBalls707

Active Member
Reporting for 24/09

Day 23/30

I did chores, I applied for jobs, I went to exercise and do volunteering, I saw and talked to friends, I rewarded myself with a snack... All in all a damn good day. No urges whatsoever. I saw some attractive strangers but there was no thought of PMO just that feeling of: "Damn..." in passing, combined with a sideways headshake. Guys you know what I mean. I didn't make time for anything else, which I regret.

Changes:
🟒⏺️- Put phone out of sight.
πŸ”΄πŸ”½- Morning and bedtime routines.
πŸ”΄πŸ”½- Meditate.
πŸ”΄πŸ”½- Gratitude journaling.
πŸ”΄πŸ”½- Reduce gaming to a maximum of one hour per day.
πŸ”΄πŸ”½- Reflect on my relationship with videogames.
 

BrassBalls707

Active Member
Day 24/30

With my lack on proactivity and attention to my "Changes" and not taking my medication it's felt nigh impossible to get anything done. I'm letting go, overindulging in videogames and exposing myself to triggering content for way too long. Each time I noticed a trigger today, it wasn't "Nope, abort." it felt more like a "Mhm, what if..." or "Remember when..." and entertaining the thought. I can't have that. I read my most heated post and it got me through the worst. It switched from 'entertaining the urge' to thinking "Are you fucking serious dude? Really? Get that shit away!" and that inner dialogue helped a lot. Since I'm not being as conscientious as before (multiple late journal check-ins), these developments make sense. I remember a relapse during or right after I was sick, so I need to make sure I get my rest and comfort so I don't feel the need for a "pick me up" or to follow some other malicious porn-induced whisper. I'm disappointed in myself. I'm going to get a new prescription, stay away from games until the evening, apply for jobs, meditate, go grocery shopping, cook and do gratitude journaling. I'm almost to 30 days. I can do this.


PMO, move aside.

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Changes:
🟒⏺️- Put phone out of sight.
πŸ”΄πŸ”½- Morning and bedtime routines.
πŸ”΄πŸ”½- Meditate.
πŸ”΄πŸ”½- Gratitude journaling.
πŸ”΄πŸ”½- Reduce gaming to a maximum of one hour per day.
πŸ”΄πŸ”½- Reflect on my relationship with videogames.
 
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BrassBalls707

Active Member
Reporting for 26/09

Day 25/30

As the days are slipping by, I have to check my browser history to recall my day. That is the result of not living conscientiously. I can't remember what was good or bad about that day because I'm autopiloting. That's bad. I figured out I spent my noon unproductive, after which I went grocery shopping and made a pharmacy visit. I cooked a bomb ass meal and drank the rest of the night playing videogames with friends. No urges I can recall. I need to renew my efforts to keep up with the changes I want to make whilst also looking for a job.

Changes:
🟒⏺️- Put phone out of sight.
πŸ”΄πŸ”½- Morning and bedtime routines.
πŸ”΄πŸ”½- Meditate.
πŸ”΄πŸ”½- Gratitude journaling.
πŸ”΄πŸ”½- Reduce gaming to a maximum of one hour per day.
πŸ”΄πŸ”½- Reflect on my relationship with videogames.
 

BrassBalls707

Active Member
Day 26/30

I'm late on reports again, perhaps because PMO was hardest to control at the start and now requires less acute attention. As it stands, I have a single urge at most per day and it's not particularly strong. Despite the lack of necessity of action for me on that front, I have used none of that time for other habits to form. I still don't provide myself with structure - unlike Thursday -, and I am not inclined to it. I've done no journaling, meditation or spent attention enjoying routines to the fullest. I'm letting my mind wander and bounce thoughts insofar I forget what the fuck I'm supposed to be doing that day. It's ADD hell, I assume. Taking my medication is pointless if I don't direct it at something, so I spent all day filling in contact forms for getting local unions to agree to a meeting. Afterwards they can get my country's social security to approve unemployment benefits. I figured I may as well listen to my job mediator's advice and cash in while I continue looking for a job. Unfortunately, every fucking office I found is plastered with the most negative reviews and dissatisfied citizens. From the looks of it, it seems like I'll have to wait several months befote my file is opened and addressed. It appears to be a right mess, so I'm grateful I can live with either of my parents in the meantime. This whole process was unexpectedly complex and demotivating and it's not something I want to spend time on. Tomorrow, I'm going to spend time on a single application and do a hobby to keep my mood up, alongside meditation before then.

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Changes:
🟒⏺️- Put phone out of sight.
πŸ”΄πŸ”½- Morning and bedtime routines.
πŸ”΄πŸ”½- Meditate.
πŸ”΄πŸ”½- Gratitude journaling.
πŸ”΄πŸ”½- Reduce gaming to a maximum of one hour per day.
πŸ”΄πŸ”½- Reflect on my relationship with videogames.
 

chap

Active Member
im really proud of u for being so transparent w urself. don’t forget to allow yourself some grace. keep holding urself accountable, but do so in the acts of love. you got this, keep trying, and keep going. none of us are perfect, as a matter of fact, we are all here on this forum because there was something imperfect about us. i think u r doing a really great job. perhaps for today, what is one habit that u think and will try to put into practice today? have a good day!
 

BrassBalls707

Active Member
Reporting for 28/09

Day 27/30

I had a serious conversation with my dad. I won't get into it but it kept me conscientious for the rest of the day, which was a great boon. It was a conversation that was long overdue, and it was a very positive, emotional discharge in the end. I spent a lot of time thinking and researching video game addiction afterwards, making some new rules for myself etc. I even went as far as to make a .txt (notepad) open through startup programs. This means each time I boot up my laptop I am faced with a message I wrote in full clarity. In essence it asks me to do the following BEFORE I seek out any videogame:

- Work on something regarding a purpose first, such as job hunting or spending time on social hobbies. This so I don't feel unmotivated or ashamed after playing.
- Eat food and drink appropriate of the time of day, even if it's nothing. It's the continued effort that counts to get back my appetite.
- Pay attention to my posture, to assume a position that requires more energy. This tires you out more and increases your desire to get up and do something else.
- Schedule a time as to when I get off the game. This is best done by planning something urgent to ensure I don't procrastinate it by playing more.
- Consider involving a friend to play online with. This makes it harder to self-isolate as we naturally tend to make plans outside of the game.

I don't recall any significant PMO urges. It was an exhausting day.

Changes:
🟒⏺️- Put phone out of sight.
πŸ”΄πŸ”½- Morning and bedtime routines.
🟑⏫- Meditate.
πŸ”΄πŸ”½- Gratitude journaling.
🟑⏫- Reduce gaming to a maximum of one hour per day.
🟑⏫- Reflect on my relationship with videogames.
 
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BrassBalls707

Active Member
Reporting for 29/09

Day 28/30

Throughout the day I got a migraine because of malnourishment. I have a small breakfast (1-2 slices of bread) and it's usually all I can get down. For some reason by 2 or 3 pm it got so bad I had to lay down occasionally. I promised a friend to work on some hobby related things from home and I managed to struggle myself through. I tried to eat soup but couldn't finish it, felt nauseous and couldn't get anything else down. I had a small nap and shower, which made it a bit better. By night, I was gaming and used it in the wrong way to cope. I figured a long time ago that if I did have a migraine, it's easiest to get the day over with soon by playing games or watching shows. Strangely, this seldom make my migraines worse, hence the choice of this coping mechanism. It's clear to me the migraine is induced by a lack of food because when I wasn't on medication I tended to procrastinate or forget about eating and I would feel incredibly sick. The difference now is that on medication I feel no hunger signals but I feel my usual physiological response all the same or even worse. Nausea turns into a headache, then into a migraine. Trying to eat anything then is Sisyphus labor. To eat at a snail's pace and that for barely anything nourishing. Potentially vomiting it out later. It fucking sucks.
Because migraines have symptoms related to epilepsy I figured it was related to methylphenidate use as it makes those worse, but I'm not a doctor so I can't rule anything out. I have no medical history of epilepsy. I just know that before I take medication I need to eat a substantial meal. At the same time I don't feel like getting food in the first place cause I don't enjoy getting/making/eating food usually. It's a chore that I've learned to procrastinate. It's a vicious cycle.

Anyways, I felt terrible the entire day and couldn't get myself to do anything. By the time the migraine was gone I was playing games and went to bed.

Now regarding PMO, the hour before I went to bed I had a massive struggle. I was actively fighting a constant battering of urges. I was forced to think of the reasons I could use a PMO 'pick-me-up' or even 'just a little porn for comfort'. I had my phone in hand and I was so fucking close to relapsing. It felt like looking into the barrel of a loaded gun with my finger on the trigger. I sat out the bombardment of urges, huddled in my bed and thinking about what was going through my mind. It was just constant attempts to get me to look. My brain tried to fantasize, it tried to put me down by telling me how bad my day was and that "I needed this to feel better.". I felt like I was getting smacked around by the pimp hand of porn. It was awful. I tried listening to music, reading posts on this forum, I tried to think about my hobbies... My hand was stuck around that phone... I don't know why I took it to bed. I know better, but I simply didn't remember to at that time... I think it was a combination of not taking my meds cause of the migraine earlier that day and being bored out of my mind.

In the end, I didn't relapse. I got through what i believe is some withdrawal or particularly bad day. I don't think I could have it worse than that. And if I can suffer through that relapse-free, I can do a whole lot more.

Changes:
πŸŸ‘πŸ”½- Put phone out of sight.
πŸ”΄πŸ”½- Morning and bedtime routines.
πŸ”΄πŸ”½- Meditate.
πŸ”΄πŸ”½- Gratitude journaling.
πŸ”΄πŸ”½- Reduce gaming to a maximum of one hour per day.
πŸ”΄πŸ”½- Reflect on my relationship with videogames.
 

chap

Active Member
great job being mindful and sticking to ur goal. great job fighting that desire to relapse, a difficult feat. im proud of u. keep chugging!
 

BrassBalls707

Active Member
Reporting for 30/09

Day 29/30

I don't know what the fuck is going on but I'm eating breakfast every morning, mostly more than what I'm used to and I can't pass noon without getting a headache. This is two consecutive days, a first ever in my entire life. I'm starting to think if these migraines aren't just hunger nausea but psychosomatic manifestations of PMO withdrawal. I dream about porn, I wake up with it first on my mind.

I must admit that I took my phone to bed again, and in an attempt to get rid of triggering material I engaged with it for close to an hour. I guess you could say there was P&M but no O. And that on the 29 days mark. I want to make it to 90 and beyond...


In my childhood I used to get migraines way more often and I believe it was due to stress at home and at school that I couldn't cope with. As a result of the migraines, I stayed at home and my parent(s) would take pity on me. I wouldn't have the stress at home or at school then. I think my mind was trying to cope with a divorce at that time and couldn't figure out how to deal with that in addition to academic struggles. I had no support system that I can remember. Just videogames to be honest. I think porn served much the same purpose later on. It's hard to think about.

So much like then, these migraines are manifesting in force at a highly suspicious time. It's baffling to me how the brain makes you feel and think when it believes it's doing something for your own good. It really drives the point home of "the biggest enemy you have is yourself". In my childhood, I couldn't cope with the stress so it gave me migraines to avoid getting in situations of more stress. Now, my brain is causing migraines because I'm denying myself something "necessary". I'm not a neuroscientist, but could repeated use of PMO changed parts of my brain that lead to attention deficit disorder and psychosomatic illness? Maybe the answer is in "Your Brain on Born". I'll do research and re-read it as soon as I can.
As it stands, I need to work a lot on the "changes" I want to make. I'm backsliding so much, but I intend to suffer through it so it gets better in the end. On the forum I read about people having good days and bad days, but these consecutive bad days are taking a toll on me. I'm not gonna truck on like I was. I need to renew my efforts concerning PMO and stay conscientious of it first and foremost. It needs to be #1 on my priority list. As time goes on, I forget this and suffer the consequences.

I decided not to keep living like before the reboot. I know I didn't decide that during a lapse in judgement. Now more than ever, I need to tighten the reigns and hold fast. I need to keep seeing this through. When I report tonight for day 30, every single fucking dot below is gonna be orange.


Changes:
πŸ”΄πŸ”½- Put phone out of sight.
πŸ”΄πŸ”½- Morning and bedtime routines.
πŸ”΄πŸ”½- Meditate.
πŸ”΄πŸ”½- Gratitude journaling.
πŸ”΄πŸ”½- Reduce gaming to a maximum of one hour per day.
πŸ”΄πŸ”½- Reflect on my relationship with videogames.
 

BrassBalls707

Active Member
Reporting for 01/10

Day 30/30

I'm satisfied with getting half the dots orange. The decisiveness that day did help getting to some of them, but for the rest I simply lacked the time and attention because of my phone usage. I had no particular PMO urges besides. Compared to the days before, you could call this a "good day" as opposed to a "bad day". Right after posting this, I'm going to compile a retrospective on my 30 days and begin to figure out what I could do to reach 60 days of no PMO. I believe I'm spending 'too much' time journaling here, being too exhaustive and inclusive of other problems. Yet, I don't think it's a bad thing. Without it I'd be screwed. I'm thankful that this place exists.

Changes:
πŸ”΄πŸ”½- Put phone out of sight.
πŸ”΄πŸ”½- Morning and bedtime routines.
πŸ”΄πŸ”½- Meditate.
πŸŸ πŸ”Ό- Gratitude journaling.
πŸŸ πŸ”Ό- Reduce gaming to a maximum of one hour per day.
πŸŸ πŸ”Ό- Reflect on my relationship with videogames.
 

BrassBalls707

Active Member
A decade of delusions, Part 1
30 days no PMO retrospective

I spent over 6 hours reading all 134 posts in this journal and compiling them as concisely as possible. I made this to underline the progress I've made since I began participating on the forum and began journaling, all in hopes to continue to self-motivate. In the future, this will serve as a personal reminder that
1. this addiction is surmountable and
2. that I am in it to win it, to the bitter end.


At first, this post was too big (over 10000 characters, damn!) so I divided it into two parts. In Part 1, I posted my triggers and what activities or behaviors provoke them. Then, I articulated replacement activities I've had success with. In Part 2 I summarized the insights I've gained concerning PMO in my life and why I want to get rid of PMO in the first place. As David Goggins would put it: "Remember your why's". Finally, I thank some forum members for helping me see this through to this extent.

Triggers.

Internet.
- Indiscriminate browsing, scrolling Instragram reels and stories, YouTube shorts...
- Videogames

Emotional.
- Feelings of misery, emptiness, shame, melancholy, hopelessness, worthlessness, loneliness, guilt, embarassment
- A lack of confidence from physical neglect.
- An unhealthy self-image from unchallenged negative self-beliefs.
- Staying in my comfort zone.
- Atychiphobia (= unhealthy/disproportionate fear of failure)
- Reliving unresolved trauma.
- Negative dating experiences and the feeling of unworthiness.
- Cowardice or failure to show courage and confidence.

Relational.
- Lack of meaningful connection with friends and family.
- Being (home) alone.
- Social tension in close friend groups and family.
- Seeking deeper connections and validation from women.
- Flirtation.

Physical.
- Discomfort (illness or pain).
- Psychosomatic complaints.
- Physical touch.
- Confronting physical neglect (fitness).

Occupational.
- Practice of hobbies for the wrong reasons or at an improper time (contributes to guilt).
- Unreasoned academic and career decisions.

Mental.
- Poor impulse control.
- Sleep deprivation.
- Nocturnal depression and sleep anxiety.
- Discomfort.
- Unhealthy thought patterns, negative self talk (beliefs) or negative self-concepts.
- Academic and career related stress.
- Experiencing and confronting failure, the belief that I am 'broken' in some way.
- Lack of planning and structure.

Substances.
- Alcohol

How I avoid triggers.

Reducing mobile accessibility.
- At home I put my phone out of sight, far enough that using it would require more than a few urges. This gives me time to employ the conscientiousness I've cultivated and reconsider my actions. It gives me enough pause to come to my senses. My phone is never taken to bed.

Limiting time online.
- I determine beforehand the purpose and duration of my time to be spent online. Inevitable distractions or urges to browse are written down at the bottom of my list of priorities. If I can not make time to address them, it means they were not urgent anyways.
- I reduce distractability and wasting time online by planning urgent tasks right after (planned!) leisurely use of the internet.

Sleep hygiene.
- I set reminders to initiate a sleep routine. These include: exercise, general hygiene, grooming, reading, meditation, replying to messages, writing a task list for the day after...

Purpose and belongingness.
- I practice hobbies to feel fulfilled and get in touch with communities I care for.
- I initiate social plans and make an effort to meet people face to face.

Weakening the frequency and intensity of PMO urges.
- When an urge strikes, I 'surf' the urge laterally. I observe it. I separate it from myself, maintaining a passive relationship with it. I reflect on how it makes me feel and think. I do not default to offering resistance, as this may teach your brain to increase the intensity of the urge. This serves to eventually overcome the resistance you offer. I choose not to play the game I can't win.

Reducing distractability, increasing focus and improving my mood.
- I take my prescription medication.
- I train my conscientiousness regularly with breathing exercises, bodyscan meditation, reflection and gratitude journaling.
- I resolve negative emotions through the same breathing exercises, bodyscan meditation and reflection.
- I self-care through gratitude journaling and conscientious participation in mundane activities such as grooming and eating to achieve a sense of comfort. An example is engaging the senses when eating, paying attention to appeal, smell, texture, taste... whatever is most pleasant.
- I operationalize simple Γ‘nd complex tasks in my daily to-do lists.
- I avoid drinking alcohol in private and go to bed as sober as possible.

Maintaining motivation to reject PMO.
- I summon anger towards the negative impact it has had on my life. I blame PMO, I curse at PMO, I express my contempt for it. I do not self-hate, I lash out at PMO.
- I remind myself of my successes and the debilitating consequences of PMO-use.

Replacement activities.

When I experience an urge, I do light physical exercises, journal, meditate, read or move to a more public space to socialize. I remind myself of my mantra "There is always a choice.".
 
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BrassBalls707

Active Member
A decade of delusions, Part 2
30 days no PMO retrospective

In Part 2 I summarized the insights I've gained concerning PMO in my life and why I want to get rid of PMO in the first place. As David Goggins would put it: "Remember your why's". Finally, I thank some forum members for helping me see this through to this extent. If you got tagged, this is why :)

Insights.​

Porn doesn't relax, it winds me up. O provides me calmness after P&M, and is only 'relaxing' in combination. It's artificial stimulation and relief. PMO relaxes itself first and foremost, and none of the actual stressors in my life. It makes me feel miserable because it creates a fake and disproportional 'need' that is only satisfied by more frequent and intense use. Eventually, that 'need' outgrows what is available and breeds frustration. It threatens to make me restless like an impatient child throwing a tantrum.

PMO is a vicious cycle.
The shame and guilt inherent in its use carry me to my next relapse or binge. This facilitates poor sleep hygiene - which weakens my resistance to impulses - and indirectly affects my dietary habits - which stress on my health and mood -. Porn cannot be consumed and continues to exist in perpetuity. It replaces parts of you, spreading like a metastasizing cancer until it feels fatal to remove.

PMO feels like Stockholm Syndrome.
I am PMO's hostage and it is my abuser. It numbs my sensitivity to emotions and robs me the opportunity to learn from them. It blinds me to what requires processing, rejection or acceptance. In other words, it keeps me emotionally locked in place.

PMO does not contribute to my processing of experiences.
Although it makes me feel as if stress is relieved and I am relaxed, it only increases the bar. It enforces my tolerance to stress as opposed to removing it. Through PMO, I became more resilient to the discomfort of stress, guilt and shame. As a result, these stressors couldn't motivate me anymore. It became harder to be proactive and easier to procrastinate. It also affected my ability to truly 'feel' or revel in positive emotions in much the same way. My lack of desire to 'belong more', my understanding of connecting socially, the comfort from physical embrace... These core human experiences were stunted by excessive use of PMO. It overshadowed or supplanted them all. I couldn't see these precious, human experiences for what they were.

Porn inhibited my growth and blinded me to normal, human experiences. I had learned to use PMO to cope with uncertainty and its discomfort. Removing PMO from my life gave me invaluable opportunities to appreciate these normal, human experiences. Things like getting to know a potential partner, contemplating my present-past-future... Even letting negative emotions serve their purpose to drive me to action, like shame or guilt. I 'feel' these now and let them push me in the right direction, away from PMO.

My resistance to impulses is proportional to the time I haven't exercised conscientiousness. Meditation or breathing techniques and planning are as medicine to PMO urges. To forsake this medicine is to suffer the full extent of urges.

Urges are the sign of a lapse in conscientiousness.
As the saying goes: "Where there is smoke, there is fire.". Personally, these urges indicate a lack of structure and/or unaddressed negative emotion. The latter either compacted and forgotten from long before or accumulated during the day.

Porn is not necessary to survive, although my brain tends to make me believe it is. In my mind, porn behaves like a companion that survives on my attention. It manipulates my desire for comfort and violates my inclination to show empathy. This disproportionate 'need' for artificial stimulation is a belief and not a fact. I have no duty towards engagement with PMO, my desire is based on a delusion. The interaction is not two-sided but one-sided. This is a self-isolating and depraved act, corrupting my brain with dependance. Porn does not provide anything substantial, instead it robs my time.

Through porn, I see people bare naked. To see a person or depiction of one bare, is to see someone vulnerable. For all my teenage and adolescent years, vulnerability from others and myself was non-existent. I wasn't aware I desired vulnerability with others and myself. I needed this 'deeper connection', and happened to find a deceptive abundance of this in porn. Porn was there for me when I, myself and others were not.

My why's.​

When PMO urges arise, I am battered by its clever deceptions. What do I say to them in response? Why do I reject PMO?

- I am taking back control over my life, choosing where to struggle.
- I am maintaining a healthy amount of confidence.
- I am reducing performance anxiety and becoming more confident.
- I am struggling less with dating, working out and supporting beneficial habits.
- I am spending less time in bed.
- I am spending less time on my phone and online.
- I am nurturing a place and moment of necessary reflection.
- I am regulating my emotional state to be in my favor.
- I am becoming more sensitive and accepting of my emotions, good and bad.
- I am reducing Alexithymia (emotional numbness).
- I am saving more energy to spend on goals big and small, such as working out and maintaining hard-earned motivation.
- I am giving my ADD one less stray impulse to distract me with.
- I am enabling healthy sleep hygiene and indirectly, healthy dietary habits.
- I am making space to untangle, address and resolve negative experiences and feelings.
- I am cultivating conscientiousness.
- I am contributing to my overall happiness and mood with the continuous 'glimmer-experience' of overcoming addiction.
- I am practicing proactivity.
- I am becoming more sociable.
- I am learning to tolerate boredom and recognizing opportunities for reflection therein.
- I am practicing resilience by suffering with purpose.
- I am cultivating normal sexual sensitivity and preferences.
- I am developing the efficacy of my frontal lobe (capacity to plan, organise, initiate, self-monitor and control one's responses).
- I am wasting less time.
- I am increasing my desire and opportunities for real, human comfort.
- I am building discipline.
- I am reducing complacency.
- I am re-shaping my self-perception.
- I am learning to love life, engaging with its wonderful and frightening complexity.

(Below I hyperlinked tags to the respective profiles as I couldn't tag each account for some reason.)
Thank you πŸ™ @Chelly @Escapeandnevercomeback @Jos @Galatians51 @Simon2 @Trisquel @TypeN @Freerider @Jochen999 @Hunter_ @Androg @Blondie @strongfuture89 @MapleSyrup @NYC @PrometheusUnbound @the_mountain_goat @chap for taking the time to empathize, provide advice or otherwise show support. Even just reacting to posts makes me feel like there is value to this journal besides what it provides me. That sense of contribution helps me return or do the same for others.
 
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BrassBalls707

Active Member
Day 31/60

I believe the lack of urges or desire to engage with PMO is a result of the fact that I spent over 6 hours compiling my retrospective over multiple attempts and the latest 30 day streak. Like an opposite to the sunk cost fallacy, I'm acutely aware of the effort I put into putting my puzzle together, plucking the gold nuggets of insight and positive change out of my individual reports. To engage with PMO after that, I would have to be held at gunpoint. That is how much resistance I feel towards it. I think it is much the same way for others dealing with addiction. That is, the more time and effort they spend on it, the less power it has over them. I intend to read my magnum opus above every time I visit the forum. By the time I reach my next milestone, I can just add to it. Feeling good about this.

Awareness precedes control.

Godspeed and onwards.

Changes:
πŸŸ πŸ”Ό- Put phone out of sight.
πŸŸ πŸ”Ό- Morning and bedtime routines.
πŸŸ πŸ”Ό- Meditate.
πŸŸ‘πŸ”Ό- Gratitude journaling.
πŸŸ‘πŸ”Ό- Reduce gaming to a maximum of one hour per day.
πŸŸ‘πŸ”Ό- Reflect on my relationship with videogames.
 

Freerider

Active Member
A decade of delusions, Part 2
30 days no PMO retrospective

Insights.​

Porn doesn't relax, it winds me up. O provides me calmness after P&M, and is only 'relaxing' in combination. It's artificial stimulation and relief. PMO relaxes itself first and foremost, and none of the actual stressors in my life. It makes me feel miserable because it creates a fake and disproportional 'need' that is only satisfied by more frequent and intense use. Eventually, that 'need' outgrows what is available and breeds frustration. It threatens to make me restless like an impatient child throwing a tantrum.

PMO is a vicious cycle.
The shame and guilt inherent in its use carry me to my next relapse or binge. This facilitates poor sleep hygiene - which weakens my resistance to impulses - and indirectly affects my dietary habits - which stress on my health and mood -. Porn cannot be consumed and continues to exist in perpetuity. It replaces parts of you, spreading like a metastasizing cancer until it feels fatal to remove.

PMO feels like Stockholm Syndrome.
I am PMO's hostage and it is my abuser. It numbs my sensitivity to emotions and robs me the opportunity to learn from them. It blinds me to what requires processing, rejection or acceptance. In other words, it keeps me emotionally locked in place.

PMO does not contribute to my processing of experiences.
Although it makes me feel as if stress is relieved and I am relaxed, it only increases the bar. It enforces my tolerance to stress as opposed to removing it. Through PMO, I became more resilient to the discomfort of stress, guilt and shame. As a result, these stressors couldn't motivate me anymore. It became harder to be proactive and easier to procrastinate. It also affected my ability to truly 'feel' or revel in positive emotions in much the same way. My lack of desire to 'belong more', my understanding of connecting socially, the comfort from physical embrace... These core human experiences were stunted by excessive use of PMO. It overshadowed or supplanted them all. I couldn't see these precious, human experiences for what they were.

Porn inhibited my growth and blinded me to normal, human experiences. I had learned to use PMO to cope with uncertainty and its discomfort. Removing PMO from my life gave me invaluable opportunities to appreciate these normal, human experiences. Things like getting to know a potential partner, contemplating my present-past-future... Even letting negative emotions serve their purpose to drive me to action, like shame or guilt. I 'feel' these now and let them push me in the right direction, away from PMO.

My resistance to impulses is proportional to the time I haven't exercised conscientiousness. Meditation or breathing techniques and planning are as medicine to PMO urges. To forsake this medicine is to suffer the full extent of urges.

Urges are the sign of a lapse in conscientiousness.
As the saying goes: "Where there is smoke, there is fire.". Personally, these urges indicate a lack of structure and/or unaddressed negative emotion. The latter either compacted and forgotten from long before or accumulated during the day.

Porn is not necessary to survive, although my brain tends to make me believe it is. In my mind, porn behaves like a companion that survives on my attention. It manipulates my desire for comfort and violates my inclination to show empathy. This disproportionate 'need' for artificial stimulation is a belief and not a fact. I have no duty towards engagement with PMO, my desire is based on a delusion. The interaction is not two-sided but one-sided. This is a self-isolating and depraved act, corrupting my brain with dependance. Porn does not provide anything substantial, instead it robs my time.

Through porn, I see people bare naked. To see a person or depiction of one bare, is to see someone vulnerable. For all my teenage and adolescent years, vulnerability from others and myself was non-existent. I wasn't aware I desired vulnerability with others and myself. I needed this 'deeper connection', and happened to find a deceptive abundance of this in porn. Porn was there for me when I, myself and others were not.

My why's.​

When PMO urges arise, I am battered by its clever deceptions. What do I say to them in response? Why do I reject PMO?

- I am taking back control over my life, choosing where to struggle.
- I am maintaining a healthy amount of confidence.
- I am reducing performance anxiety and becoming more confident.
- I am struggling less with dating, working out and supporting beneficial habits.
- I am spending less time in bed.
- I am spending less time on my phone and online.
- I am nurturing a place and moment of necessary reflection.
- I am regulating my emotional state to be in my favor.
- I am becoming more sensitive and accepting of my emotions, good and bad.
- I am reducing Alexithymia (emotional numbness).
- I am saving more energy to spend on goals big and small, such as working out and maintaining hard-earned motivation.
- I am giving my ADD one less stray impulse to distract me with.
- I am enabling healthy sleep hygiene and indirectly, healthy dietary habits.
- I am making space to untangle, address and resolve negative experiences and feelings.
- I am cultivating conscientiousness.
- I am contributing to my overall happiness and mood with the continuous 'glimmer-experience' of overcoming addiction.
- I am practicing proactivity.
- I am becoming more sociable.
- I am learning to tolerate boredom and recognizing opportunities for reflection therein.
- I am practicing resilience by suffering with purpose.
- I am cultivating normal sexual sensitivity and preferences.
- I am developing the efficacy of my frontal lobe (capacity to plan, organise, initiate, self-monitor and control one's responses).
- I am wasting less time.
- I am increasing my desire and opportunities for real, human comfort.
- I am building discipline.
- I am reducing complacency.
- I am re-shaping my self-perception.
- I am learning to love life, engaging with its wonderful and frightening complexity.

(Below I hyperlinked tags to the respective profiles as I couldn't tag each account for some reason.)
Thank you πŸ™ @Chelly @Escapeandnevercomeback @Jos @Galatians51 @Simon2 @Trisquel @TypeN @Freerider @Jochen999 @Hunter_ @Androg @Blondie @strongfuture89 @MapleSyrup @NYC @PrometheusUnbound @the_mountain_goat @chap for taking the time to empathize, provide advice or otherwise show support. Even just reacting to posts makes me feel like there is value to this journal besides what it provides me. That sense of contribution helps me return or do the same for others.
Thank you, this is reslly good text. First I though who has write it, who has so clear vision whats happening with this sickness, is it somekind of professional text.. somehow we all are professionals if we understand whats happening in our brain and body with pmo. Thank you, keep going! We will survive! Livin in a lie is not option! Br, your brother in this battle
 
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