Unbusting my balls
- Thread starter BrassBalls707
- Start date
BrassBalls707
Active Member
Reporting for 3/10
Day 32/60
I had a rough day. Not because of something that happened but simply how I felt. I couldn't seem to find the cause but it simply felt like depression. Couldn't find the energy to do anything, wasn't satisfied or happy with anything, just being a downer. This persisted until I went to bed. I thought it was a sleep deficit, so I went to bed earlier than usual. I did some gratitude journaling and took my time getting ready to go sleep. The urges were very present, but I had no desire to. Not only because I didn't want to 'break' my streak but because I genuinely had no desire to, it was just a conditioned response to feeling bad. I sat it out when I could, or read when I got frustrated with it. I also tried 'fixed point gazing' to help focus in the day but it was especially hard with motivation whatsoever. I took my medication as well so the lack of action or drive was particularly vexing.
I also believe I should do something to celebrate 30 days. It gives me something more to look forward to. I've heard that helps for people with ADD. To plan rewards for activities that don't include them to increase motivation.
Changes:
- Put phone out of sight.
- Morning and bedtime routines.
- Meditate.
- Gratitude journaling.
- Reduce gaming to a maximum of one hour per day.
- Reflect on my relationship with videogames.
Day 32/60
I had a rough day. Not because of something that happened but simply how I felt. I couldn't seem to find the cause but it simply felt like depression. Couldn't find the energy to do anything, wasn't satisfied or happy with anything, just being a downer. This persisted until I went to bed. I thought it was a sleep deficit, so I went to bed earlier than usual. I did some gratitude journaling and took my time getting ready to go sleep. The urges were very present, but I had no desire to. Not only because I didn't want to 'break' my streak but because I genuinely had no desire to, it was just a conditioned response to feeling bad. I sat it out when I could, or read when I got frustrated with it. I also tried 'fixed point gazing' to help focus in the day but it was especially hard with motivation whatsoever. I took my medication as well so the lack of action or drive was particularly vexing.
I also believe I should do something to celebrate 30 days. It gives me something more to look forward to. I've heard that helps for people with ADD. To plan rewards for activities that don't include them to increase motivation.
Changes:
- Put phone out of sight.- Morning and bedtime routines.- Meditate.- Gratitude journaling.- Reduce gaming to a maximum of one hour per day.- Reflect on my relationship with videogames.
Blondie
Respected Member
Nice job @BrassBalls707 staying strong. I also think you should do something to celebrate day 30. I think it's real important to celebrate each step.
Best
Best
BrassBalls707
Active Member
Reporting for 4/10
Day 33/60
I had a somewhat productive day. I believe it is in part due to having planned something fun to do in the evening. PMO urges have been the same as the day before, but there was no desire and I always felt like I had the reigns in hand, as if to say I felt like 'I knew better' the entire time.
Changes:
- Put phone out of sight.
- Morning and bedtime routines.
- Meditate.
- Gratitude journaling.
- Reduce gaming to a maximum of one hour per day.
- Reflect on my relationship with videogames.
Day 33/60
I had a somewhat productive day. I believe it is in part due to having planned something fun to do in the evening. PMO urges have been the same as the day before, but there was no desire and I always felt like I had the reigns in hand, as if to say I felt like 'I knew better' the entire time.
Changes:
- Put phone out of sight.- Morning and bedtime routines.- Meditate.- Gratitude journaling.- Reduce gaming to a maximum of one hour per day.- Reflect on my relationship with videogames.
BrassBalls707
Active Member
Day 34/60
I was feeling restless and went to exercise to great effect. I meditated and did gratitude journaling. I realized I could be far more appreciative to others as my behaviour towards those that help me doesn't reflect how I feel about it.
I still haven't figured out what I should do to celebrate being PMO-free. The benefits speak for themselves, but I'm simply not paying attention to the positive changes they cause. I should reflect and journal about what I stand to gain from removing PMO out of my life. I.e. things like time for example. Getting those in full view should increase my motivation and enjoyment, I think.
There's PMO urges in the evening still, but that's nothing new. It's hard to find a replacement that excites my brain just as much, since I am currently enduring waves of boredom in PMO's place. It's likely that + medication running out making me enjoy everything less across the board.
Changes:
- Put phone out of sight.
- Morning and bedtime routines.
- Meditate.
- Gratitude journaling.
- Reduce gaming to a maximum of one hour per day.
- Reflect on my relationship with videogames.
I was feeling restless and went to exercise to great effect. I meditated and did gratitude journaling. I realized I could be far more appreciative to others as my behaviour towards those that help me doesn't reflect how I feel about it.
I still haven't figured out what I should do to celebrate being PMO-free. The benefits speak for themselves, but I'm simply not paying attention to the positive changes they cause. I should reflect and journal about what I stand to gain from removing PMO out of my life. I.e. things like time for example. Getting those in full view should increase my motivation and enjoyment, I think.
There's PMO urges in the evening still, but that's nothing new. It's hard to find a replacement that excites my brain just as much, since I am currently enduring waves of boredom in PMO's place. It's likely that + medication running out making me enjoy everything less across the board.
Changes:
- Put phone out of sight.- Morning and bedtime routines.- Meditate.- Gratitude journaling.- Reduce gaming to a maximum of one hour per day.- Reflect on my relationship with videogames.
BrassBalls707
Active Member
Day 35/60
I did a lot of research on neurotransmitters or hormones and thought of some of my former "insights". I think I will address my findings thoroughly through next week cause I feel like I have done enough reflecting for one day. Besides that, no urges besides the nighttime ones, so same as before.
The reason I looked into it is because I was wondering what purposes PMO has in my life. Besides reducing anxiety and prompting my brain to release chemicals it lacks (neurodivergency and all) I wanted to know what other hormones are released when engaging with PMO. I hope that this will clue me in as to what activities can replace or otherwise lower the desire for PMO. But anyways, more about that in next reports it's way too scientific for a short report and I want to get it as right as I can so that when I reread these journal posts I actually learn something about neurochemistry and addiction related brain function.
I spent way too much time on my phone in bed in the morning. I have this tendency to turn off or snooze my alarm and snuggle back in bed and have the phone nearby. I can't trust myself right after I wake up to leave the phone where it is, so it's clear to me sleep has to improve. Why do my issues often seem to come down to sleep... Definitely something to reflect more on. Perhaps moreso than videogames and PMO for the time being.
Changes:
- Put phone out of sight.
- Morning and bedtime routines.
- Meditate.
- Gratitude journaling.
- Reduce gaming to a maximum of one hour per day.
- Reflect on my relationship with videogames.
I did a lot of research on neurotransmitters or hormones and thought of some of my former "insights". I think I will address my findings thoroughly through next week cause I feel like I have done enough reflecting for one day. Besides that, no urges besides the nighttime ones, so same as before.
The reason I looked into it is because I was wondering what purposes PMO has in my life. Besides reducing anxiety and prompting my brain to release chemicals it lacks (neurodivergency and all) I wanted to know what other hormones are released when engaging with PMO. I hope that this will clue me in as to what activities can replace or otherwise lower the desire for PMO. But anyways, more about that in next reports it's way too scientific for a short report and I want to get it as right as I can so that when I reread these journal posts I actually learn something about neurochemistry and addiction related brain function.
I spent way too much time on my phone in bed in the morning. I have this tendency to turn off or snooze my alarm and snuggle back in bed and have the phone nearby. I can't trust myself right after I wake up to leave the phone where it is, so it's clear to me sleep has to improve. Why do my issues often seem to come down to sleep... Definitely something to reflect more on. Perhaps moreso than videogames and PMO for the time being.
Changes:
- Put phone out of sight.- Morning and bedtime routines.- Meditate.- Gratitude journaling.- Reduce gaming to a maximum of one hour per day.- Reflect on my relationship with videogames.
BrassBalls707
Active Member
Day 36/60
I changed to last entry to my "changes" list below to include reflection on porn, medication and sleep. Through the research I've been doing to inform myself on my inclinations, I realized these are all linked by hormones. The deregulation of which through addictions and unhealthy habits causing greater tendencies towards regrettable behavior. It is truly a vicious, complex cycle but one I feel driven to understand and break. I'm taking my time to compile what I have learned.
My current streak is largely due to the time and space I have in my life, and the full acknowledgement that my path lead to a dead end. A few months ago I would have felt guilty about spending more than an hour a day reflecting, trying to understand how I work. I had household duties, academic targets, financial worries, social gatherings, hobbies and so on and so forth. There was always something that was attributed with more 'importance', 'urgency', or 'priority'. Either by an external factor, a parent, a teacher, a boss or being taught to feel shame and guilt when this phantom #nr.1 task wasn't being engaged. If I didn't have this much time on my hands to fill, I'm certain I would have relapsed already. It's for that reason I urge other struggling PMO addicts to give yourself time and space. I urge you to look at the neurochemistry as I am or to let the wisdom in Gary Wilson's 'Your Brain On Porn' sink in. A good soldier does reconaissance before engaging a conflict. By not preparing yourself in the same way, you'll always be fighting with disadvantages. You'll lose the battle but maybe not the war. But how many battles are you truly prepared to lose? How long do you want this to go on for? Can you be sure you are that resilient? Get ahead of the problem. Your brain has good intentions, all you need to do is begin to understand how to bring these about.
I will expand on these thoughts later. I'm adding a sleep counter as well to motivate me every day to keep track. By merit of spending more effort on something, you automatically attribute more importance to it. The more important you gauge something to be, the more you will care for it. As I want to care for my sleep, this sounds like a good thing to do.
Changes:
- Put phone out of sight.
- Morning and bedtime routines.
- Meditate.
- Gratitude journaling.
- Reduce gaming to a maximum of one hour per day.
- Reflect on my relationship with videogames, porn, medication or sleep.
Sleep duration:
-
I changed to last entry to my "changes" list below to include reflection on porn, medication and sleep. Through the research I've been doing to inform myself on my inclinations, I realized these are all linked by hormones. The deregulation of which through addictions and unhealthy habits causing greater tendencies towards regrettable behavior. It is truly a vicious, complex cycle but one I feel driven to understand and break. I'm taking my time to compile what I have learned.
My current streak is largely due to the time and space I have in my life, and the full acknowledgement that my path lead to a dead end. A few months ago I would have felt guilty about spending more than an hour a day reflecting, trying to understand how I work. I had household duties, academic targets, financial worries, social gatherings, hobbies and so on and so forth. There was always something that was attributed with more 'importance', 'urgency', or 'priority'. Either by an external factor, a parent, a teacher, a boss or being taught to feel shame and guilt when this phantom #nr.1 task wasn't being engaged. If I didn't have this much time on my hands to fill, I'm certain I would have relapsed already. It's for that reason I urge other struggling PMO addicts to give yourself time and space. I urge you to look at the neurochemistry as I am or to let the wisdom in Gary Wilson's 'Your Brain On Porn' sink in. A good soldier does reconaissance before engaging a conflict. By not preparing yourself in the same way, you'll always be fighting with disadvantages. You'll lose the battle but maybe not the war. But how many battles are you truly prepared to lose? How long do you want this to go on for? Can you be sure you are that resilient? Get ahead of the problem. Your brain has good intentions, all you need to do is begin to understand how to bring these about.
I will expand on these thoughts later. I'm adding a sleep counter as well to motivate me every day to keep track. By merit of spending more effort on something, you automatically attribute more importance to it. The more important you gauge something to be, the more you will care for it. As I want to care for my sleep, this sounds like a good thing to do.
Changes:
- Put phone out of sight.- Morning and bedtime routines.- Meditate.- Gratitude journaling.- Reduce gaming to a maximum of one hour per day.- Reflect on my relationship with videogames, porn, medication or sleep.Sleep duration:
-
BrassBalls707
Active Member
Report from 08/10
Day 37/60
Rough morning (hungover), only got out to start my day past noon. Ate two slices of bread and had to resolve some social conflict between two participants for an event I help host. I put my foot down and told them this was the last time, I feel proud of myself for drawing that boundary. I had a few other stressors but I was aware of their impact on my inclinations (coping) so they ended up having no effect at all. I vented about them to two friends and felt relieved. I had a good, greasy meal and did a terrific job teaching. Afterwards I went to meet a friend at a café and the vibes were through the roof. I took 10mg of rilatin at 14:00 and another 5mg around 19:00 (I know this is improper use I should take the last before 18:00). I also had a Red Bull at 20:00 and a cider at 22:30.
Yet somehow, I have felt the fucking best I have in over a decade. It felt too good to be true. EVERYTHING aligned. I'm worried this promotes dependance on caffeïne (which I avoid) and rilatin (abuse), but simply acknowledging that is going to arm me against it in the future.
In any case, I feel like I am tasting the fruits of my labors (PMO). The café was filled with friends and acquaintances but I met them with reciprocated positivity, jokes and banter and those I didn't like I navigated with a downright unbreakable stride. I set boundaries and was aware of my feelings, I addressed them in the moment and let them guide my actions to a mutual understanding... I could have never thought I could express that sort of clarity and share in that charisma. I even expressed my appreciation for the person that planned the hangout. Personally it emphasized how far I've come, being able to be so open, involved and sociable. It was the cherry on top, truly.
Absolutely immaculate evening. I'm still shocked.
I made no time to reflect today and admit I lacked conscientiousness in my actions. I didn't give myself the structure I should but I don't want this to get me down. I'm hoping to renew my efforts again tomorrow and let the positive experiences of today carry me to my next achievement(s).
Onwards.
Changes:
- Put phone out of sight.
- Morning and bedtime routines.
- Meditate.
- Gratitude journaling.
- Reduce gaming to a maximum of one hour per day.
- Reflect on my relationship with videogames, porn, medication or sleep.
Sleep duration:
6 hours + 3 hours (interrupted)
Day 37/60
Rough morning (hungover), only got out to start my day past noon. Ate two slices of bread and had to resolve some social conflict between two participants for an event I help host. I put my foot down and told them this was the last time, I feel proud of myself for drawing that boundary. I had a few other stressors but I was aware of their impact on my inclinations (coping) so they ended up having no effect at all. I vented about them to two friends and felt relieved. I had a good, greasy meal and did a terrific job teaching. Afterwards I went to meet a friend at a café and the vibes were through the roof. I took 10mg of rilatin at 14:00 and another 5mg around 19:00 (I know this is improper use I should take the last before 18:00). I also had a Red Bull at 20:00 and a cider at 22:30.
Yet somehow, I have felt the fucking best I have in over a decade. It felt too good to be true. EVERYTHING aligned. I'm worried this promotes dependance on caffeïne (which I avoid) and rilatin (abuse), but simply acknowledging that is going to arm me against it in the future.
In any case, I feel like I am tasting the fruits of my labors (PMO). The café was filled with friends and acquaintances but I met them with reciprocated positivity, jokes and banter and those I didn't like I navigated with a downright unbreakable stride. I set boundaries and was aware of my feelings, I addressed them in the moment and let them guide my actions to a mutual understanding... I could have never thought I could express that sort of clarity and share in that charisma. I even expressed my appreciation for the person that planned the hangout. Personally it emphasized how far I've come, being able to be so open, involved and sociable. It was the cherry on top, truly.
Absolutely immaculate evening. I'm still shocked.
I made no time to reflect today and admit I lacked conscientiousness in my actions. I didn't give myself the structure I should but I don't want this to get me down. I'm hoping to renew my efforts again tomorrow and let the positive experiences of today carry me to my next achievement(s).
Onwards.
Changes:
- Put phone out of sight.- Morning and bedtime routines.- Meditate.- Gratitude journaling.- Reduce gaming to a maximum of one hour per day. - Reflect on my relationship with videogames, porn, medication or sleep.Sleep duration:
6 hours + 3 hours (interrupted)
BrassBalls707
Active Member
Reporting for 09/10
Day 38/60
I'm backsliding as is evidenced by the timing of these reports. My day was a bit of a blur, again caused by a lack of structure. I need to keep a firmer grip on my schedule because this is not sustainable. There are so many things I wanna do and things I feel like I should do and a day feels to short to address them all. Also that feeling of "should" is completely negative. It doesn't drive me to action and will require some reframing before I get to them. I think the lessons I learned from PMO (what purpose does it have, how do I feel about it) can be applied to other things too. Daily chores or exercise aren't meant to make me feel bad, so I need to work on putting them in a better light. As long as my tendencies and inclinations towards the negative remain, relapse to PMO and engagement with other unhealthy habits are foregone conclusions.
Changes:
- Put phone out of sight.
- Morning and bedtime routines.
- Meditate.
- Gratitude journaling.
- Reduce gaming to a maximum of one hour per day.
- Reflect on my relationship with videogames, porn, medication or sleep.
Sleep duration:
8h30 (I believe I need 9, personally but will be satisfied with 8-9.)
Day 38/60
I'm backsliding as is evidenced by the timing of these reports. My day was a bit of a blur, again caused by a lack of structure. I need to keep a firmer grip on my schedule because this is not sustainable. There are so many things I wanna do and things I feel like I should do and a day feels to short to address them all. Also that feeling of "should" is completely negative. It doesn't drive me to action and will require some reframing before I get to them. I think the lessons I learned from PMO (what purpose does it have, how do I feel about it) can be applied to other things too. Daily chores or exercise aren't meant to make me feel bad, so I need to work on putting them in a better light. As long as my tendencies and inclinations towards the negative remain, relapse to PMO and engagement with other unhealthy habits are foregone conclusions.
Changes:
- Put phone out of sight.- Morning and bedtime routines.- Meditate.- Gratitude journaling.- Reduce gaming to a maximum of one hour per day.- Reflect on my relationship with videogames, porn, medication or sleep.Sleep duration:
8h30 (I believe I need 9, personally but will be satisfied with 8-9.)
BrassBalls707
Active Member
Reporting for 10/10
Day 39/60
I had no PMO urges but spent the night scrolling my phone a lot. I did go out for drinks so I wasn't sober, and that is largely what seems to cause my lapse in conscientiousness. It got very late before I went to bed. There were a lot of new faces at the place I went to but I didn't socialize. I wanted to and expressed the desire to but I believe I let my less social friends hold me back, it was a good sign in any case that I acknowledged the desire to socialize. I really need to watch out with medication and alcohol though, I believe these positive experiences due to them may associated and will drive me to abuse them. I'm going to avoid taking them at my next social gatherings and see what the difference is.
Changes:
- Put phone out of sight.
- Morning and bedtime routines.
- Meditate.
- Gratitude journaling.
- Reduce gaming to a maximum of one hour per day.
- Reflect on my relationship with videogames, porn, medication or sleep.
Sleep duration:
10h16 
Day 39/60
I had no PMO urges but spent the night scrolling my phone a lot. I did go out for drinks so I wasn't sober, and that is largely what seems to cause my lapse in conscientiousness. It got very late before I went to bed. There were a lot of new faces at the place I went to but I didn't socialize. I wanted to and expressed the desire to but I believe I let my less social friends hold me back, it was a good sign in any case that I acknowledged the desire to socialize. I really need to watch out with medication and alcohol though, I believe these positive experiences due to them may associated and will drive me to abuse them. I'm going to avoid taking them at my next social gatherings and see what the difference is.
Changes:
- Put phone out of sight.- Morning and bedtime routines.- Meditate.- Gratitude journaling.- Reduce gaming to a maximum of one hour per day.- Reflect on my relationship with videogames, porn, medication or sleep.Sleep duration:
10h16
BrassBalls707
Active Member
Day 40/60
I dreamt about porn in the morning. I can't remember dreaming so vividly, ever. They seem like the final convulsions of the addicted brain. I know addiction is lifelong so I won't end my vigil. What's more, I remember the dream clearly too, something that also rarely happens. The acts I saw are like fresh inspiration for relapse now and it weakens my resolve as I don't continue to refresh 'my why's' as much. I think I need to spend more time reflecting. In general I'm backsliding on gratitude journaling, meditation and sleeping habits. Continuing as I am now is not sustainable. I can do more.
Changes:
- Put phone out of sight.
- Morning and bedtime routines.
- Meditate.
- Gratitude journaling.
- Reduce gaming to a maximum of one hour per day.
- Reflect on my relationship with videogames, porn, medication or sleep.
Sleep duration:
6h53
I dreamt about porn in the morning. I can't remember dreaming so vividly, ever. They seem like the final convulsions of the addicted brain. I know addiction is lifelong so I won't end my vigil. What's more, I remember the dream clearly too, something that also rarely happens. The acts I saw are like fresh inspiration for relapse now and it weakens my resolve as I don't continue to refresh 'my why's' as much. I think I need to spend more time reflecting. In general I'm backsliding on gratitude journaling, meditation and sleeping habits. Continuing as I am now is not sustainable. I can do more.
Changes:
- Put phone out of sight.- Morning and bedtime routines.- Meditate.- Gratitude journaling.- Reduce gaming to a maximum of one hour per day.- Reflect on my relationship with videogames, porn, medication or sleep.Sleep duration:
6h53
BrassBalls707
Active Member
Reporting for 12/10
Day 41/60
I don't know why but was is the second time I'd woken up and felt like I'd relapsed. I can't recall if there was another dream but that 'feeling' can contribute massively to an actual relapse. Oftentimes when I relapsed, it was for consecutive days and it seems like my brain is trying to manipulate this tendency to fake me out?
Changes:
- Put phone out of sight.
- Morning and bedtime routines.
- Meditate.
- Gratitude journaling.
- Reduce gaming to a maximum of one hour per day.
- Reflect on my relationship with videogames, porn, medication or sleep.
Sleep duration:
7h28
Day 41/60
I don't know why but was is the second time I'd woken up and felt like I'd relapsed. I can't recall if there was another dream but that 'feeling' can contribute massively to an actual relapse. Oftentimes when I relapsed, it was for consecutive days and it seems like my brain is trying to manipulate this tendency to fake me out?
Changes:
- Put phone out of sight.- Morning and bedtime routines.- Meditate.- Gratitude journaling.- Reduce gaming to a maximum of one hour per day.- Reflect on my relationship with videogames, porn, medication or sleep.Sleep duration:
7h28
BrassBalls707
Active Member
Reporting for 13/10
Day 42/60
In the shower I had thoughts of PMO and that small stimulation caused me to have urges later at night. I also had a stressful conversation that I wanted to avoid and when it was done it was difficult to keep my head on straight. I seriously need to think about healthy emotional coping habits because this trigger will inevitably come up in the future again.
Changes:
- Put phone out of sight.
- Morning and bedtime routines.
- Meditate.
- Gratitude journaling.
- Reduce gaming to a maximum of one hour per day.
- Reflect on my relationship with videogames, porn, medication or sleep.
Sleep duration:
8h32
Day 42/60
In the shower I had thoughts of PMO and that small stimulation caused me to have urges later at night. I also had a stressful conversation that I wanted to avoid and when it was done it was difficult to keep my head on straight. I seriously need to think about healthy emotional coping habits because this trigger will inevitably come up in the future again.
Changes:
- Put phone out of sight.- Morning and bedtime routines.- Meditate.- Gratitude journaling.- Reduce gaming to a maximum of one hour per day.- Reflect on my relationship with videogames, porn, medication or sleep.Sleep duration:
8h32
ADFECTATIO
Member
Hey man - you held the conversation - so that's a win! You faced it. That in itself is a healthy emotional coping habit!
You can try having a self dialog between the different parts of you (emotional, primal self talking to your rational self and the rational self is answering as a loving friend) - that helps me dealing with heavy emotions.
But I also have topics, I can journal about a thousand times, write self talk entries etc... man - some things are just fucked up. Here its helpful to not get lost in the thought-cycles - try to find an end, define an end, and move on (thats what I try). Some feelings I dont understand, but I am not my feelings, and sometimes the feelings are just cravings...
You can try having a self dialog between the different parts of you (emotional, primal self talking to your rational self and the rational self is answering as a loving friend) - that helps me dealing with heavy emotions.
But I also have topics, I can journal about a thousand times, write self talk entries etc... man - some things are just fucked up. Here its helpful to not get lost in the thought-cycles - try to find an end, define an end, and move on (thats what I try). Some feelings I dont understand, but I am not my feelings, and sometimes the feelings are just cravings...
BrassBalls707
Active Member
Reporting for 14-15-16/10
Day 43-44-45/60
I forced myself to sit down and bulk report because I realized I would never find the motivation to recall 3 days' worth of information. I can't even remember what I had for lunch yesterday, so I'm going forward with what I do remember.
I'm experiencing multiple things that I find hard to deal with in short order. A series of 'bad days' (of my own making, no doubt). This has accumulated into consecutive late reports. It now has even gotten so far I stopped reflecting for 3 whole days. Should I skip a day, I'll skip another in the future. I'll keep skipping and stop reporting. I'll forget about the struggle, my resolve will have shriveled. I'd relapse. I have to keep reporting, simple as.
Just before writing, I had to fight tooth and nail against urges. I browsed pornographic material and began convincing myself of a lot of things. I was ready to throw in the towel, but I held my ground.
"Porn counts as failing/relapsing, so you might as well go the whole mile and start over tomorrow."
- "You can't assure yourself you won't suffer this same whim tomorrow again, and the day after and so on. Is this short, temporary indulgence worth blemishing your determination so far? Are your seriously considering tripping yourself up? Do you really want to feel worse down the line? Exactly, no you don't."
"You enjoy this so much, so it can't be bad."
- "It IS bad, you read the literature and the testimonies. You observed the same within yourself. Don't choose to be ignorant."
"Who cares if you engage in PMO, everyone deserves to relieve themselves and feel better."
- "It's artifical stimulation and relief. It doesn't relieve what needs relieving, properly. Spend your energy on finding things that do."
"Don't worry about PMO negatively affecting you, you'll set boundaries and engage with it to your benefit only."
- "You won't send boundaries, you have no evidence that you can. PMO is never only to your benefit. Its drawbacks are invisible but you know where to look to find them."
"You can just lie in your reports, the milestones are just arbitrary numbers."
- "You chose for this to be your #1 priority and spent all this effort on it. You can't let that be for nothing. Don't toss away that which you need to be better, to be who you want to be."
"PMO is just self-care in the absence of a partner, until that time it's fine to engage with."
- "PMO is not self-care, it's self-harm. It's not fine to engage with, as it desensitizes you to real partners. With PMO in your life, you won't desire a partner."
"You're denying yourself something you need, why torture yourself like that? You deserve this just as much any other person."
- "You believe you need PMO and that you depend on it, but it's not a right or reward, it's not a compassionate thing to do.
"These urges are returning after 40 days still, so they will after twice that too. This is a pointless struggle, so trust that you'll set healthy boundaries and it wouldn't harm your goals in life."
- "You wrote a list of reasons why it does harm your goals in life, this is just blatantly false. Suffering addiction is torture, true, but this suffering will lessen and pass down the line. If you haven't made it past 90 days, you can't truthfully say it is pointless. Stop lying to yourself."
And so much more...
What's tragic is, I wanted to convince myself. I'm behind the wheel, but it feels like I'm letting the devil and angel on my shoulder grab for the wheel. It was (and still is) tearing me apart.
I had hoped to articulate some profound thoughts and information I researched to launch me ahead with new momentum, but I haven't set time aside for it. I haven't set the time aside for anything 'good' for me. I've absent-mindedly been going to employment agencies, trying to get a job. I've been indulging in games, trusting that it was to unwind, reward or motivate myself. I've been eating processed foods, packaged foods, fast foods understanding that I need the calories and that I deserve tasty snacks... I've done these things because I believed they were all better than PMO. It doesn't feel like they are. Nothing compares to PMO. It feels like I'm doing these things as a distraction from PMO, not because I truly enjoy them. It's clear to me now more than ever, that I have no consistent concept of how to best help myself. It's a hopeless and discouraging feeling. Is it learned helplessness?
Today I felt so shit, wanting to break down at the slighest inconvenience and isolate myself outside or at home. I wanted to be left alone. All that momentum the past month went into a wicked nosedive and I couldn't pin why. Looking at my reports, it's obvious. I'm not sleeping, I'm not meditating, I'm not exercising, I'm not eating properly, I'm not reflecting, I'm not being thankful, I'm spending more time on my phone. I take my medication and do something productive, expecting that to solve everything. It doesn't. My priorities are wrong, I don't course correct when I veer off. Three days. Three days I spent messing up. I almost robbed myself of my most important achievement, a personal record of 45 days sober of PMO. I was building up to it, gathering up all the negativity of past-present-future to boost me into a catastrophical binge. If I relapsed, I would have hit a new low. I got so close to doing that to myself too. How dare I do that to myself?!
I focus on everything I mislike and expect this bleak future for myself. Then it comes naturally that PMO sobriety doesn't matter. It would only help to tolerate that self-fulfilling prophecy. That's not living or existing, I'd rather die than spend another week with that feeling.
The only reason I was able to fight those thoughts was because I did the work. I did the introspection, I had these answers ready in a moment of weakness. I am bearing the fruit of that labor.
I am getting back in the saddle. Fuck this noise.
Day 43-44-45/60
I forced myself to sit down and bulk report because I realized I would never find the motivation to recall 3 days' worth of information. I can't even remember what I had for lunch yesterday, so I'm going forward with what I do remember.
I'm experiencing multiple things that I find hard to deal with in short order. A series of 'bad days' (of my own making, no doubt). This has accumulated into consecutive late reports. It now has even gotten so far I stopped reflecting for 3 whole days. Should I skip a day, I'll skip another in the future. I'll keep skipping and stop reporting. I'll forget about the struggle, my resolve will have shriveled. I'd relapse. I have to keep reporting, simple as.
Just before writing, I had to fight tooth and nail against urges. I browsed pornographic material and began convincing myself of a lot of things. I was ready to throw in the towel, but I held my ground.
"Porn counts as failing/relapsing, so you might as well go the whole mile and start over tomorrow."
- "You can't assure yourself you won't suffer this same whim tomorrow again, and the day after and so on. Is this short, temporary indulgence worth blemishing your determination so far? Are your seriously considering tripping yourself up? Do you really want to feel worse down the line? Exactly, no you don't."
"You enjoy this so much, so it can't be bad."
- "It IS bad, you read the literature and the testimonies. You observed the same within yourself. Don't choose to be ignorant."
"Who cares if you engage in PMO, everyone deserves to relieve themselves and feel better."
- "It's artifical stimulation and relief. It doesn't relieve what needs relieving, properly. Spend your energy on finding things that do."
"Don't worry about PMO negatively affecting you, you'll set boundaries and engage with it to your benefit only."
- "You won't send boundaries, you have no evidence that you can. PMO is never only to your benefit. Its drawbacks are invisible but you know where to look to find them."
"You can just lie in your reports, the milestones are just arbitrary numbers."
- "You chose for this to be your #1 priority and spent all this effort on it. You can't let that be for nothing. Don't toss away that which you need to be better, to be who you want to be."
"PMO is just self-care in the absence of a partner, until that time it's fine to engage with."
- "PMO is not self-care, it's self-harm. It's not fine to engage with, as it desensitizes you to real partners. With PMO in your life, you won't desire a partner."
"You're denying yourself something you need, why torture yourself like that? You deserve this just as much any other person."
- "You believe you need PMO and that you depend on it, but it's not a right or reward, it's not a compassionate thing to do.
"These urges are returning after 40 days still, so they will after twice that too. This is a pointless struggle, so trust that you'll set healthy boundaries and it wouldn't harm your goals in life."
- "You wrote a list of reasons why it does harm your goals in life, this is just blatantly false. Suffering addiction is torture, true, but this suffering will lessen and pass down the line. If you haven't made it past 90 days, you can't truthfully say it is pointless. Stop lying to yourself."
And so much more...
What's tragic is, I wanted to convince myself. I'm behind the wheel, but it feels like I'm letting the devil and angel on my shoulder grab for the wheel. It was (and still is) tearing me apart.
I had hoped to articulate some profound thoughts and information I researched to launch me ahead with new momentum, but I haven't set time aside for it. I haven't set the time aside for anything 'good' for me. I've absent-mindedly been going to employment agencies, trying to get a job. I've been indulging in games, trusting that it was to unwind, reward or motivate myself. I've been eating processed foods, packaged foods, fast foods understanding that I need the calories and that I deserve tasty snacks... I've done these things because I believed they were all better than PMO. It doesn't feel like they are. Nothing compares to PMO. It feels like I'm doing these things as a distraction from PMO, not because I truly enjoy them. It's clear to me now more than ever, that I have no consistent concept of how to best help myself. It's a hopeless and discouraging feeling. Is it learned helplessness?
Today I felt so shit, wanting to break down at the slighest inconvenience and isolate myself outside or at home. I wanted to be left alone. All that momentum the past month went into a wicked nosedive and I couldn't pin why. Looking at my reports, it's obvious. I'm not sleeping, I'm not meditating, I'm not exercising, I'm not eating properly, I'm not reflecting, I'm not being thankful, I'm spending more time on my phone. I take my medication and do something productive, expecting that to solve everything. It doesn't. My priorities are wrong, I don't course correct when I veer off. Three days. Three days I spent messing up. I almost robbed myself of my most important achievement, a personal record of 45 days sober of PMO. I was building up to it, gathering up all the negativity of past-present-future to boost me into a catastrophical binge. If I relapsed, I would have hit a new low. I got so close to doing that to myself too. How dare I do that to myself?!
I focus on everything I mislike and expect this bleak future for myself. Then it comes naturally that PMO sobriety doesn't matter. It would only help to tolerate that self-fulfilling prophecy. That's not living or existing, I'd rather die than spend another week with that feeling.
The only reason I was able to fight those thoughts was because I did the work. I did the introspection, I had these answers ready in a moment of weakness. I am bearing the fruit of that labor.
I am getting back in the saddle. Fuck this noise.
Last edited:
BrassBalls707
Active Member
Reporting for 17-18.5/10
Day 46-47.5/60
Regrettably, I didn't spend my day how I wanted to. I think my state of mind is partly to blame. From now on, I'm hopping on this forum or doing some other mindfulness exercise (journaling, meditation, scheduling) the first thing in the morning and the last thing at night. That way, I hope to bound myself between two activities that anchor me in conscientiousness. The one in the morning serves for the day ahead, and the one at night should be like a sword of damocles to remind me of the peril that awaits when the sun sets. Bouts of negative emotions, increased urges towards unhealthy coping mechanisms (unhealthy food, gaming overindulgence, browsing pornography) causing sleep deficiency and sending me spiraling downward.
I remember being most mindful and satisfied when I reread my journal entries here in the morning, and making mental notes to reflect further upon when I reported on that day later. It keeps my head in the game (of life), as I constantly think (I could reflect further on this later). It's feels like a hack, because acting conscientiously comes way easier after that. I don't know why I gave up this practice, perhaps because it's not habitual yet or because I have high distractability and I tend to take long to recover from backslides.
Changes:
- Put phone out of sight.
- Morning and bedtime routines.
- Meditate.
- Gratitude journaling.
- Reduce gaming to a maximum of one hour per day.
- Reflect on my relationship with videogames, porn, medication or sleep.
Sleep duration:
6h55
Day 46-47.5/60
Regrettably, I didn't spend my day how I wanted to. I think my state of mind is partly to blame. From now on, I'm hopping on this forum or doing some other mindfulness exercise (journaling, meditation, scheduling) the first thing in the morning and the last thing at night. That way, I hope to bound myself between two activities that anchor me in conscientiousness. The one in the morning serves for the day ahead, and the one at night should be like a sword of damocles to remind me of the peril that awaits when the sun sets. Bouts of negative emotions, increased urges towards unhealthy coping mechanisms (unhealthy food, gaming overindulgence, browsing pornography) causing sleep deficiency and sending me spiraling downward.
I remember being most mindful and satisfied when I reread my journal entries here in the morning, and making mental notes to reflect further upon when I reported on that day later. It keeps my head in the game (of life), as I constantly think (I could reflect further on this later). It's feels like a hack, because acting conscientiously comes way easier after that. I don't know why I gave up this practice, perhaps because it's not habitual yet or because I have high distractability and I tend to take long to recover from backslides.
Changes:
- Put phone out of sight.- Morning and bedtime routines.- Meditate.- Gratitude journaling.- Reduce gaming to a maximum of one hour per day.- Reflect on my relationship with videogames, porn, medication or sleep.Sleep duration:
6h55
Last edited:
BrassBalls707
Active Member
Day 47/60
Success! I'm reporting now because I primed my mind to it earlier today, just like I hoped it would. Coincidentally I caught an online lecture about addictions and took notes so it definitely set me up for success. I'm hoping to use the notes to supplement a bigger post as I have done before. I had a smaller slipup with pornographic material, undoubtedly because I did it earlier this week as well. I have to build up my guard and resistance to it again. I'm also eating more and focusing more on self-care and grooming. Meditation could use some work, as I notice I'm not adressing guilt and shame enough. These emotions serve a purpose. Sitting with them to understand the when, the why and the what for helps decide the next best step and often resolves the emotion, reducing urges. It's relieving to see how simple things are when you seek to understand them. It's a small confirmation of my acquisition of control.
Doing the work. Onwards and upwards.
Changes:
- Put phone out of sight.
- Morning and bedtime routines.
- Meditate.
- Gratitude journaling.
- Reduce gaming to a maximum of one hour per day.
- Reflect on my relationship with videogames, porn, medication or sleep.
Sleep duration:
6h55
Success! I'm reporting now because I primed my mind to it earlier today, just like I hoped it would. Coincidentally I caught an online lecture about addictions and took notes so it definitely set me up for success. I'm hoping to use the notes to supplement a bigger post as I have done before. I had a smaller slipup with pornographic material, undoubtedly because I did it earlier this week as well. I have to build up my guard and resistance to it again. I'm also eating more and focusing more on self-care and grooming. Meditation could use some work, as I notice I'm not adressing guilt and shame enough. These emotions serve a purpose. Sitting with them to understand the when, the why and the what for helps decide the next best step and often resolves the emotion, reducing urges. It's relieving to see how simple things are when you seek to understand them. It's a small confirmation of my acquisition of control.
Doing the work. Onwards and upwards.
Changes:
- Put phone out of sight.- Morning and bedtime routines.- Meditate.- Gratitude journaling.- Reduce gaming to a maximum of one hour per day.- Reflect on my relationship with videogames, porn, medication or sleep.Sleep duration:
6h55
BrassBalls707
Active Member
Day 48/60
Almost had another slip up today. I'm still struggling to apply my changes but I'm certain I have to exercise more. All that energy that goes into urges needs to be spent elsewhere. That drive, it's completely wasted on porn and depletes my willpower. Through exercise, my willpower actually increases, even if its spent it still seems to increase my overal capacity for it. Like getting used to doing things you don't want to do. I'm going to think more on the 'when' and the 'what'.
Changes:
- Put phone out of sight.
- Morning and bedtime routines.
- Meditate.
- Gratitude journaling.
- Reduce gaming to a maximum of one hour per day.
- Reflect on my relationship with videogames, porn, medication or sleep.
Sleep duration:
7h46
Almost had another slip up today. I'm still struggling to apply my changes but I'm certain I have to exercise more. All that energy that goes into urges needs to be spent elsewhere. That drive, it's completely wasted on porn and depletes my willpower. Through exercise, my willpower actually increases, even if its spent it still seems to increase my overal capacity for it. Like getting used to doing things you don't want to do. I'm going to think more on the 'when' and the 'what'.
Changes:
- Put phone out of sight.- Morning and bedtime routines.- Meditate.- Gratitude journaling.- Reduce gaming to a maximum of one hour per day.- Reflect on my relationship with videogames, porn, medication or sleep.Sleep duration:
7h46
BrassBalls707
Active Member
Day 49/60
Had another slipup because my phone was too closeby. I had little willpower today cause I slept little. Sleep deficiency keeps haunting me. I'm going to have to pay more attention to that. I hate that there's so many things to keep track of and when one thing is going well another isn't. I have to address them all at the same time but it feels impossible... PMO stays on #1, then sleep. I need to get more serious about sleep. Exercise can help. Tomorrow, I'll get started with the routine I did at the beginning of this year. Even one out of three sets is enough, as long as I get started. In this way, I'll look forward to sleeping more. That's how it was in the past atleast.
Changes:
- Put phone out of sight.
- Morning and bedtime routines.
- Meditate.
- Gratitude journaling.
- Reduce gaming to a maximum of one hour per day.
- Reflect on my relationship with videogames, porn, medication or sleep.
Sleep duration:
6h46
Had another slipup because my phone was too closeby. I had little willpower today cause I slept little. Sleep deficiency keeps haunting me. I'm going to have to pay more attention to that. I hate that there's so many things to keep track of and when one thing is going well another isn't. I have to address them all at the same time but it feels impossible... PMO stays on #1, then sleep. I need to get more serious about sleep. Exercise can help. Tomorrow, I'll get started with the routine I did at the beginning of this year. Even one out of three sets is enough, as long as I get started. In this way, I'll look forward to sleeping more. That's how it was in the past atleast.
Changes:
- Put phone out of sight.- Morning and bedtime routines.- Meditate.- Gratitude journaling.- Reduce gaming to a maximum of one hour per day.- Reflect on my relationship with videogames, porn, medication or sleep.Sleep duration:
6h46
BrassBalls707
Active Member
Day 50/60
No slipups. Going to atleast lay in bed when I should be asleep, despite the fact my body will keep me awake. I exercised two sets instead of one to get back into it and I felt the physical exhaustion the entire day like I hoped it would. I'm proud of that small step in the right direction.
I'm also patting myself on the back for getting this report out before midnight.
On the other hand, I'm putting myself out there again instead of waiting til I'm over 30. I'd like to meet someone and grow together, to really create a bond that's inseparable. I'm wearing my heart on my sleeve and making myself vulnerable like this (it goes against my instinct to keep to myself as I've been hurt and betrayed before). Unfortunately, I spent time setting up a date and making plans, trying to get to know a person the minimum to even consider the date. Now the same day we agreed to meet, they essentially canceled. The reason sounded dishonest. It's not worth to question their reasoning if they intend to be vague about it in the first place. I can't negotiate attraction either. It's there or it's not there. They may have wanted me to assuage their doubts about me but I can't do that unless I meet them.
It sucks.
It's the resulting feelings of rejection and hopelessness that drove me to porn in the first place. I want to be mad at women, I want to be contented that I tried, I just want to feel something other than melancholy but it simply isn't there. There's no emotion to keep me centered or motivate me forward. I now remind myself to be very mindful of how this negative experience discourages me from pursuing something I desire. It's misfortune, plain and simple. This specific thing has happened a dozen times before, most followed by a period of PMO use and other destructive behaviors. All of them helping confirm negatieve self-concepts like
"You're not worth a real person's attention"
"You don't get to work on a relationship."
"People don't want to understand you."
"People don't want to be understood by you."
"There is something wrong with you."
"You are meant to be alone."
"You don't deserve real intimacy."
It's not going to be like that this time. I'm going to be the better man and take this hit, ánd whatever comes next. I won't let myself be discouraged. I'll be here for myself. I've felt worse and didn't quit then, so quitting now is not an option.
Onwards and upwards.
Changes:
- Put phone out of sight.
- Morning and bedtime routines.
- Meditate.
- Gratitude journaling.
- Reduce gaming to a maximum of one hour per day.
- Reflect on my relationship with videogames, porn, medication or sleep.
Sleep duration:
8u42
No slipups. Going to atleast lay in bed when I should be asleep, despite the fact my body will keep me awake. I exercised two sets instead of one to get back into it and I felt the physical exhaustion the entire day like I hoped it would. I'm proud of that small step in the right direction.
I'm also patting myself on the back for getting this report out before midnight.
On the other hand, I'm putting myself out there again instead of waiting til I'm over 30. I'd like to meet someone and grow together, to really create a bond that's inseparable. I'm wearing my heart on my sleeve and making myself vulnerable like this (it goes against my instinct to keep to myself as I've been hurt and betrayed before). Unfortunately, I spent time setting up a date and making plans, trying to get to know a person the minimum to even consider the date. Now the same day we agreed to meet, they essentially canceled. The reason sounded dishonest. It's not worth to question their reasoning if they intend to be vague about it in the first place. I can't negotiate attraction either. It's there or it's not there. They may have wanted me to assuage their doubts about me but I can't do that unless I meet them.
It sucks.
It's the resulting feelings of rejection and hopelessness that drove me to porn in the first place. I want to be mad at women, I want to be contented that I tried, I just want to feel something other than melancholy but it simply isn't there. There's no emotion to keep me centered or motivate me forward. I now remind myself to be very mindful of how this negative experience discourages me from pursuing something I desire. It's misfortune, plain and simple. This specific thing has happened a dozen times before, most followed by a period of PMO use and other destructive behaviors. All of them helping confirm negatieve self-concepts like
"You're not worth a real person's attention"
"You don't get to work on a relationship."
"People don't want to understand you."
"People don't want to be understood by you."
"There is something wrong with you."
"You are meant to be alone."
"You don't deserve real intimacy."
It's not going to be like that this time. I'm going to be the better man and take this hit, ánd whatever comes next. I won't let myself be discouraged. I'll be here for myself. I've felt worse and didn't quit then, so quitting now is not an option.
Onwards and upwards.
Changes:
- Put phone out of sight.- Morning and bedtime routines.- Meditate.- Gratitude journaling. - Reduce gaming to a maximum of one hour per day.- Reflect on my relationship with videogames, porn, medication or sleep.Sleep duration:
8u42