Day 65/90 and day 66/90
Strap in. I was vibe checked by God.
I cancelled plans Monday and Tuesday to ensure I'd be in the best shape I could be when I went out on Wednesday. I napped and went to bed early, going through my treatment routine to get rid of my cough and stuffed nose. I experienced no urges, as I was quite determined to slug through the day and be as productive as possible.
On Wednesday I went through my treatment routine and set out my day in the best possible way. I ate healthy and drank plenty and set out to the next town over by train for this much anticipated date.
To make a long story short, I felt betrayed.
I was given the impression that all would be well, having both my friend, their girlfriend (which was my date's mutual friend) and the date themselves share overwhelming positivity for our day out. Although I am 100% sure I was as authentic as I could be given the circumstances, I was given the cold shoulder through text when I got home. It came down to the date believing she'd be enthusiastic to going out
as friends only going forward. I've been around enough to know this is considered a 'gentle' rejection. I had asked them to clarify to make sure, as I hate being given the idea
"there's still a chance" or something like that. She still couldn't play me a straight
"No second date." but I understood what she meant and after that I began to downspiral. I reached out to a close friend and self-pitied for hours until my shame overshadowed the impact of that rejection. I realized this had been the worst I'd felt in 5 years time as it gave room for unresolved shame and dissapointment. I picked myself up and I went to bed with determination to be more mindful of two things:
- Be vigilant of my reaction to people's hopes and expectations of me, to not take them to heart as much as I had. This leads to the tremendous sense of dissapointment and worthlessness.
- Be more self-oriented in regards to my health and make no compromise therein, especially not towards women I'm attracted to. This hurts, but I understand it is necessary to be who I want to be.
I realize I prioritized acting towards a future relationship in which I was appreciated and accepted. Although there is nothing wrong with this statement, it came at the cost of moving my actual priorities around. This is a personal vulnerability I take responsibility for suffering. This has happened before, and life ceremoniously reminded me by caving in my chest with an emotional fastball. Being in a healthy relationship feels like a volatile pursuit at this stage in my life, and once again I'm elated to put this desire aside and put myself in an unshakeable position. I'm proud of myself for opening myself up like this again, but I'm also self-critical of the fact it was reckless. Clearly, I'm at danger of fixating on attraction and the hormonal invigoration this causes. Much like PMO, I used dating as a destructive coping mechanism in the absence of meditation and exercise. In this regard, I can compare this situation with PMO in that they are both maladaptive coping strategies. This is an enlightening insight, personally speaking.
Besides that, I experienced nocturnal emission overnight again. Strangely, I dreamt of waking up from a comically large nocturnal emission and was almost gaslit by my brain to immediately engage in MO to relapse as "I had already broken my streak". Obviously, this makes no sense but my brain never does make sense in dreams or right after waking up. In retrospect, this makes me laugh because of how ridiculous it is
.
I read that REM sleep contributes to emotional processing, and that dreams occur in this period. Stressful dreams in REM sleep (unresolved negative experience from dating) activate the sympathetic nervous system (which includes the penis) and lead to ejaculation. It's also a confirmation that I've been sexually inactive for a significant amount of time (8+ weeks). It's relieving to understand how it all comes together, figuring myself out. It makes me hopeful for my future.
I am considering looking deeper into myself through meditation about my fixation with attraction, sex and the role of pornographic material therein. Clearly, my maladaptive tendencies aren't exclusive to pornography, masturbation and orgasm but also to attraction. The only overlap I've found thus far is that attraction releases high levels of dopamine and norepinephrine, which is deregulated in my brain due to Attention Deficit (Hyperactivity) Disorder / neurodivergency. The way I understand it, these hormones come in such quantity (attraction sends a powerful signal to the brain) that my (disproportionate amount of) neurotransmitter transporters can not catch all of them for the reuptake process. Regardless of whether I am on or off medication (disables these transporters for stronger signals across the board), attraction or the prospect thereof is such an exhilarating experience that I shift my gears to prioritize it. Notice how the words attraction and porn are interchangeable. I 100% believe this 'maladaptive dating' or 'maladaptive attracting seeking' behavior is a variation of PMO addiction.
I want to incorporate my insight on this unhealthy inclination in my social life, but I don't know how to yet. Currently, I am not able to differentiate between a healthy and unhealthy interest. For now, I can ask myself "Am I attracted to this person because I am losing control of my emotions (maladaptive), or does my interest in them exist in parallel (unrelated)?". When time passes and I revisit this lesson, I'll rephrase this contrived question.
I almost neglected to address the fact that an overwhelming sense of worthlessness, anxiety and depressive feelings had surfaced. Even after years of therapy and introspective work, I am confronted with the possibility I've only scratched the surface. That can be endlessly discouraging, but I'm adjusting to this reality. Personally, I feel capable standing in the shadow of that emotional garbage heap, mostly by merit of achieving 60 days of no-PMO. PMO feels almost laughably insignificant by comparison. Yet, I'm aware of the danger that brings and I will not let it out of sight. I won't forget this is a PMO addiction forum. Diet, exercise, sleep, meditation, gratitude journaling... I'm coming for you
I'm getting back in the saddle.
I've spent enough time being less than I could be. No more.
Upwards and onwards.
Changes:
- Put phone out of sight.
- Morning and bedtime routines.
- Meditate.
- Gratitude journaling.
- Reduce gaming to a maximum of one hour per day.
- Reflect on my relationship with videogames, porn, medication or sleep.
Sleep duration:
- 9h34 and 7h39
- Morning and bedtime routines.
- 9h51