My situation

[Jos]

I am 20 years old , When I was 13 I was told about porn and since then I have been indulging in it ,before that I was fine but after that my life started taking down path.

When I was in 9th grade I went to boarding school where I was completely cut off from porn and I did well there , actually I am a good student but this porn thing had a bad influence on me.

In 2020 after working so hard I got into very prestigeous institution of Engineering, but due to the pandemic I was stuck at home and these 3 years have proved to be the worst for me. During this time I masterbated for the first time and since then I have been doing it and this has impacted my life and my growth very badly.

I started reading to other forums and read online websites on porn recovery , like Your brain on Porn and NoFap. I am maintaing the dates I relapsed and also a word document about my feelings on the day of relapse since 2021 , I want to get back to life and do well again in my studies and life in general.

 

[BrassBalls707]

My academic achievements have suffered from it as well so I understand. Is there a chance you can share some of your insights from the word document? Also don't forget to share dates starting now so I can help keep track

Looking forward to seeing you kick the habit!

 

[Jos]

My academic achievements have suffered from it as well so I understand. Is there a chance you can share some of your insights from the word document? Also don't forget to share dates starting now so I can help keep track

Looking forward to seeing you kick the habit!

Oh yeah sure , I started Nofap 8 days ago , I mean i did several but unsucessful so far

 

[Jos]

I started tracking my behaviour in 2021 in word doc , but I did not write everytime I relapse so I stared doing this , take a screen shot of calander and tracking it with a cross.

 

[BrassBalls707]

I started tracking my behaviour in 2021 in word doc , but I did not write everytime I relapse so I stared doing this , take a screen shot of calander and tracking it with a cross.

When you relapse, you seem to either do it after a week and sometimes even multiple times the same day (unless I am interpreting it wrong). Do you notice anything specific after a week? What is it that consistently pushes you over the edge?

That aside, it might be a good idea to report your thoughts and feelings every day here and keep track of your days relapse free. It would be easier for people to check and it might lead to changing your behavior and thoughts consciously, which I don't think will happen if you just cross off relapse days. YMMV

Also, congrats on the 8 days man!

 

[Jos]

Yes, I observed that pattern, It is that when I relapse, I feel fragile, and after a week, I get entirely alright, and I forget the pain, and I don't know what happens then. Sometimes I feel that It is the social interactions that I lack and my low level of confidence which is stopping me from having social interactions if I have them, I might not look up to porn; there are other reasons I sometimes look at girls the wrong way( please don't judge me here, because I try my best not to do that and I am working on that continuesly).

I am also working on my lack of social interactions.

Yeah, I could track relapse-free days, but I track the days I relapse as a measure of days I did not live happily or at least did not try to and fell into the trap of false pleasure to cover my pain of not living happily.

 

[Escapeandnevercomeback]

You know, I used to relapse every 4 days. It's maybe because of the conditioning? If you keep relapsing on day 4, you start getting urges on day 4? I tend to believe this, it makes sense. Since then I've been trying to disrupt that and now my brain doesn't really know on what day I want to relapse

 

[BrassBalls707]

I get that you feel weak after you relapse. For me I think it's guilt knowing that I did something that is bad for me. Good callout.

and I don't know what happens then.

Sounds like a blind spot to me! Maybe focus on this as you approach that moment. Really stake out some time to spend on feeling that moment come and go, or think about it in emotional terms.

there are other reasons I sometimes look at girls the wrong way( please don't judge me here, because I try my best not to do that and I am working on that continuesly).

Dude that's totally normal hahahaha. We have a saying where I live, translated it would mean:"You can watch but you can't touch." I noticed for myself that watching people and just being appreciative of how they look feels healthy. You have to make sure you're not crossing the line (like mad-dogging women or staring at them for way too long). No reason to feel embarrassed or guilty if that is the case. I can say for myself that it makes me feel much better than trying to ignore them or inuring myself to people's charm. If I do that, I feel like a zombie .

 

[Jos]

I feel terrible I relapsed , I thought the day was fine I had normal interactions, but after classes I did not know what to do , I just went to restroom with phone casually and surfing fb and came across a nsfw meme that asks to identify this person and provoked me.

at that time I paused for a moment and thought I will just look at some pictures related to that person In the meme but after some time if I think in retrospect It was like if I was put on autopilot and went overboard and relapsed.

Also i think I am facing issue of Porn induced erectile dysfunction and that is also making me anxious , and I test if I am alright, I know to reverse PIED it requires lot of time. I got numbed to usual porn and sometimes I get surprised how I am looking at extreme versions of porn , I have read this in YBOP but........ I don't know.

After relapse at the night I didn't even had dinner and went to sleep . I was thinking

" I have read how porn is affecting my life and the science behing porn addiction but why i just go to this autopilot mode and just do it sometimes ,whats wrong with me , I should tell my dad or friend to help me"

In the morning again I was thinking how porn is affecting my life and suddenly I wanted to check if I can get an erection without porn , I thought of a pretty girl and mastur bated to her again as if I was put to "autopilot mode" , I regretted it immediately. Went to nofap site and read post from panic button/relapse.

I want to cry but tears are not coming.

Also I was on 30 challenge, I relapsed on day 10.

 

[BrassBalls707]

Hey I think it's awesome you managed to go 10 days, that's longer than me! Below I wrote down some thoughts and possible solutions. I recognize a lot but YMMV ofcourse.

I think it's important to realize that you recognized a trigger. The NSFW meme you came across, how will you curb exposure the next time you see it? Can you disable posts from that person?

Also the behaviour seems to be tied to your location, so that seems to be a possible trigger? You PMO'd in the restroom, so next time avoid taking your phone out when going in and focus on doing your business in there and leaving (which goes for everything really, do what you gotta do and don't waste time)Face the boredom, and you'll have room to think and be conscious of your actions. Restrooms are a trigger for me too. Since I made it harder to access porn on my phone through juggling app settings I've sabotaged myself and won myself time to contemplate before I actually see anything. Maybe that'll work for you too?

I completely understand falling into autopilot. I've lived my life like that through internet and videogame addiction and PMO. Aside from recognizing triggers, I believe you have to cultivate taking time to reflect and plan, so you minimize idle time in between activities and don't reach for your phone because you're too busy. That's how I would handle it.

That's all I thought of

Anyways, onwards to day 1!

 

[Galatians51]

I feel terrible I relapsed , I thought the day was fine I had normal interactions, but after classes I did not know what to do , I just went to restroom with phone casually and surfing fb and came across a nsfw meme that asks to identify this person and provoked me.

at that time I paused for a moment and thought I will just look at some pictures related to that person In the meme but after some time if I think in retrospect It was like if I was put on autopilot and went overboard and relapsed.

Also i think I am facing issue of Porn induced erectile dysfunction and that is also making me anxious , and I test if I am alright, I know to reverse PIED it requires lot of time. I got numbed to usual porn and sometimes I get surprised how I am looking at extreme versions of porn , I have read this in YBOP but........ I don't know.

After relapse at the night I didn't even had dinner and went to sleep . I was thinking

" I have read how porn is affecting my life and the science behing porn addiction but why i just go to this autopilot mode and just do it sometimes ,whats wrong with me , I should tell my dad or friend to help me"

In the morning again I was thinking how porn is affecting my life and suddenly I wanted to check if I can get an erection without porn , I thought of a pretty girl and mastur bated to her again as if I was put to "autopilot mode" , I regretted it immediately. Went to nofap site and read post from panic button/relapse.

I want to cry but tears are not coming.

Also I was on 30 challenge, I relapsed on day 10.

Hey man, I can't count how many times i've failed to quit. You just have to pick yourself up and start again. Consider the things that made you fail and make any possible changes that you can to help yourself do better the next time. Now I'm on my longest streak that I can remember, you can do this!

Sometimes after a relapse i would feel like giving up and giving in "well since I failed, I might as well just pmo again... and again" ... try not to go that route because it will just leave you feeling even worse. You messed up, let it stop there and then start your reboot again.

 

[Jos]

Today I was doing some work on my laptop and I encountered something which brought urges , my body was shaking as I was resisting myself and finally got control over the situation.

Feeling little bit happy about how I handled the situation, hope that my will becomes more strong

 

[Jos]

Feeling terrible relapsed again

 

[BrassBalls707]

Feeling terrible relapsed again

That's part of the process man, don't lose hope! I recommend you re-read what Galatians51 said earlier. You can do this!