1st time trying journaling

bloYOnoz

New Member
Clearly I had no inspiration for my thread title.
Been a long time reader but just decided to post for the 1st time. There is a couple of reasons I have been hesitating about starting my own journal:
1) I have never journaled before so I am not sure how to proceed.
2) I have never openly talk about my issues to anyone.
3) Some of the advice on this forum is counterproductive for me (explanation below)

Please keep in mind that those comments strictly applies to me. Under no circumstances am I passing any judgements on anyone on this forum. It's how I see and feel about my own struggles.

What I mean for the point #3 above is mostly related on how to handle relapses. I have read so many comments stating "don't be too hard on yourself, it happens, get back to it, learn from this experience, etc...." that for me this is an open door to failure. I do recognize the value of those advice and there is a certain logic from a psychology perspective if you have 1 or 2 relapse along the way - however I have seen journals where every 3-4 days there's a counter reset and for me there is a negative effect of allowing and minimizing those relapses (and I have been there before).

Some would argue that even if you relapse every few days than it's better than doing nothing at all which is not entirely false but for someone like me who has always looked at things (and succeeded most of the time in my life) to have a "do it or don't do it" approach it doesn't work well. I believe that when you allow something negative to happen, then your approach is molded with this in mind and then you become almost addicted to relapsing.

So on this early Sunday morning I have been sitting in front of the computer and wondering what I should do next, I have been reading this forum for at least 3 years, I have read I think pretty much all the material available on this site and YBOP. I even read the easy peazy method. I know all the things I need to do, I know all the pitfalls I need to avoid. Yet a few of times a week I throw everything out the window and just shutdown like a robot that doesn't have a brain anymore and just goes through the habits.

Again I want to make sure I do not offend anyone with my comments - this is my view of relapses that have been preventing me (I believe) to beat this addiction. There are amazing stories/advices/help on this forum.

On a side note, my high level story for now.
51, married, 3 kids (2 have left the nest) and 3rd one is 17. Have a great relationship with my wife including sex life (wife not aware of my addiction).
Started around 12 years old with the usual path for men my age : Sears catalog, Playboy Magazines, softcore movies on cable, VHS cassettes, DVDs and finally internet.
 

bloYOnoz

New Member
Forgot to add in case any of you are wondering about my user name. I have recently been introduce to Stoic Philosophy and heard about one of the concept that I am using as my mantra "Blow your own nose, nobody will do it for you".
 

guitar1968

Well-Known Member
Good post. I don't think anyone could really be offended by your post. If they are, oh well, it's your journal that we all just get to read. I've battling a lot for a long time. It's not an easy thing to quit. Or, maybe I have that wrong. It's easy to quit. I've done it hundreds of times. It's hard to stay quit. But I come here for some inspiration and to be able to see that I'm not the only one. It makes me not feel so alone. I am like you. I've never told anyone but this journal and my personal journal. I'm married with a 17 year old but I have zero sex life. That's a long story, but I often feel like porn is my only release. When my child leaves the nest in the next year or so I may be leaving as well. I don't know that I'll ever be truly successful without someone to engage in some type of sexual activity with. You are lucky to still have a good relationship.

Anyway, looking forward to see what you have to say. Good luck.
 
I agree, it IS a good post. Very inspiring. I haven't built the nerve to start my own journal as of yet. Just to add a comment about some who seem to relapse quite often, it is not failure to have to keep on trying to quit a "bad" behavior, the real failures are those who never even give it an honest effort! Lincoln once said something like "People who never even try to better themselves really never do much anything at all". I successfully stopped smoking decades ago but not without seriously trying many times to quit for good. We fall off the wagon but dust ourselves off and crawl back on, right?
 

TakeActionNow

Respected Member
@GraceFanatic
Starting a journal is easy.
You don't have to explain yourself. You don't have to say anything about who you are or what your past is about.

Just start writing about how you felt today, what you did and what you're happy and grateful for.

It may have nothing to do with porn that's ok.

Journalling is about developing a habit to reflect and review your day so that you'd progressively understand yourself, your thoughts, motivations and actions better. Most importantly it'll teach you to look at the world again with clearer eyes and help you see goodness and feel-good all around you that you'll find less and less need for porn.


Dont wait. Start today.
 

bloYOnoz

New Member
So I have not written in my journal this week and I am not too sure why, maybe a little bit of laziness maybe being uncomfortable about what to write maybe just not being honest with myself. Most probably a combination of all of the above. Ever since I wrote that 1st post last week, guess what I have been doing all week....

If I look on the bright side, I also had a deeper reflection this week about my relationship with relapses and I have come to realize there is a couple of patterns I need to work on before I can even contemplate quitting PMO and put myself in a successful position.

Number one, I have to find mechanism so when I get urges I can win the battle. As I mentioned in my initial post, the more I try to push away the urges or do something else to change my mind it seems to always be in the back of my head until it completely takes over. I have tried going for a walk, I have plenty of hobbies but it's not working - I can play and practice guitar and keep up with the count while getting flashes of porn in my head, it doesn't go away and eventually takes over.

The second pattern is I discard any progress that is minimal without much second thought because I have done it a thousand times before and consider it not a big deal. Anytime I have really strong urges within the first week, I know what is going to happen and I just stop thinking strait and give up saying "so what", I consider that I haven't achieved anything with 4 days clean and can get back there pretty easily. Better to do it now than at 20 days - the impact is minimal now.....

The other issue I have it's actually to start. I have always been someone that is well organized and structured and any decisions in my life big or small has to be planned out and I need to be ready, there is not much room for spontaneity (I know it sucks...). So every time I plan on giving it a go and stopping, all the right conditions have to be aligned: I need to be in the right mindset, need to have right level of stress, need to have my back up plans ready, has to be an even calendar day, has to be sunny outside, etc (exaggerating a little bit.....slightly).

On a side note, I have received a couple of diagnostic since the beginning of the year for health issues. Nothing really major however I now have to start taking some meds on a daily basis for the rest of my life. This hit me a little bit hard, I know clearly that I am not a young man anymore and I am getting older, however the fact that I now have breakfast in the morning with a pillbox beside me (at 51 yo) is somewhat depressing. That's part of life but it does play a part on how I am shifting my view and how I want to live my life going forward.

Like last week, on this early Saturday morning I have been sitting in front of the computer and wondering what I should do next. I think for me journaling will be more of a weekly thing for now at least. I want to keep a balance and honestly I don't see myself doing it daily or even having something say without being redundant. I have plenty to continue thinking about. If anything this process has shown me this week what I need to work on in order to be successful - I guess that is a good start and can't complain.

Thank you for reading if you took the time and I apologies if I'm boring you - but it is my journal :)
 
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