I need help. Please read and reply if you are able.

jillybean

New Member
I have never posted publicly on this forum before. I have always just sat and read and taken advice etc.
This is my first time and this post just sums up how I feel about everything today. He is in recovery, I am in recovery, we are in recovery. It's not easy. Posting today for some clarity/advice/to get things off my chest. Please reply if you are able to.

_____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

He never did like when I used CAPS in texts/emails to emphasize a word or feeling. This was when writing/addressing anyone. He always asked me to change it in emails/texts.

“That’s too bold”
“Someone will take it the wrong way”
“Then you will be starting something you don’t need to”

“You don’t need to”

Basically…
Your feelings right now are not important
You are causing drama
You don’t have a right to feel this way
You should hide how you feel because then you can’t make other people feel

He took my voice
My ability to want to stand up and speak up
I was also doing it with my interactions with him
Trying not to ever let my anger take control
It’s stirring up shit if I speak my mind
But, what if that's what I needed?
What if that's what he needed to wake up
I needed him to know I was angry
I needed him to know I was hurt
I also needed him to know I was there for him
I needed him to know I wanted to help him
I needed him to realize that this was wrong
And that how I felt mattered
Just as much as how he felt mattered
Maybe he would recognize this wasn’t right
And maybe together we could change

So what did I do instead?
I pushed everything down
My pain didn’t matter
Never did
Me bringing porn up made him angry
Me asking him if he needed help made him angry
Me asking if he was okay made him angry
Me wanting to help him made him angry
EVERY interaction with him about porn made him retreat
It led to ME rescuing HIM
ALL THE FUCKING TIME
Before long, EVERY interaction in general made him retreat
ALL THE FUCKING TIME
And it was constantly ME rescuing HIM

ME wanting HIM to not be angry
ME wanting HIM to be okay in the moment
ME being there for HIM
ME recognizing HIS insecurities
ME recognizing HIS weaknesses
ME offering MY hand to help HIM
ME rescuing HIM
HIM HIM HIM

Oh that’s wonderful though
Most guys dream of a partner who puts them first
One that they could open up to about all this and help them be free
One that cares about him and how he feels
RIGHT? RIGHT?
Well, it wasn’t enough
I was never enough
Will I ever be enough?
I am not enough
I believed that
I believe that still
I have to stop saying what I feel
I have to stop showing what I feel
I have to stop feeling what I feel

So, that’s what I did
I suppressed
Clearly my anger wasn’t helping
It drove him to porn
I knew he was broken
I cared
I wanted to help
I wanted better for him first
Better for us second
And better for me in the end

I cried instead
I was vulnerable
I wore my heart on my sleeve
He didn’t care
It made him angrier
It drove him to porn

He was allowed to feel anger
I never was
I spent most time feeling sad
I spent most time feeling useless
I spent most time feeling inadequate
I spent most time depressed
I spent most time hating ME
I never accepted hating HIM
Because I was always there
I approached with compassion
Because I cared
He didn't care that I cared
Will he ever care?
I was always there and he didn't care

And so today, I take back the CAPS
I AM FUCKING ANGRY
HOW IN THE HELL DID THIS GO ON FOR SO LONG
HOW DID YOU NEVER REALIZE THE EFFECTS
HOW DID YOU BLAME ME DEEP DOWN
HOW DID IT TAKE WHAT IT TOOK FOR YOU TO FINALLY REALIZE THAT YOU LOVE ME AND WANT BETTER FOR YOU AND US
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BELIEVE THAT NOW ALL OF A SUDDEN THINGS ARE OKAY
HOW ARE ALL THE LIES AND GASLIGHTHING AND PTSD AND DAMAGE SUPPOSED TO GO AWAY AND BE OKAY JUST BECAUSE NOW YOU SAY YOU CARE
HOW DO I BELIEVE YOU CARE
HOW CAN WE BELIEVE THAT YOU ARE READY TO CHANGE
HOW IS THIS GOING TO WORK
HOW MUCH MORE can I take
HOW CAN I fully trust you
HOW DO I know that you care now
HOW do i know that you aren't simply saying what you think i need you to say
how do we help you
how do we help me
you wanted to let me go to free me from the pain you caused and are we too deep in this that you feel that is the only solution
how can i abandon you, even if you hurt me
how can you abandon me now
how did you abandon me then
i never abandoned you, ever
i needed you
i need you now
you need me
we can't give up
do you want to give up
is porn more important than your self healing
is porn more important than my self healing
is porn more important that us
i understand its an addiction but you never let me help you, ever
you never allowed me to care
it makes sad to know that

By the end of that paragraph my anger had transitioned
My anger had turned back to sadness
The CAPS came off
It's like my screaming came down in tone and in volume
I had my angry moment and all that's left is the sadness and despair
This is usually where I live
This has been my state for decades
In the realm of sadness, hopelessness and despair
Mixed with the overwhelming desire to help him
To help him in spite of myself and how I feel
To help him in spite of what he's done to hurt himself
To help him in spite of what he's done to hurt others
To help him in spite of what he's done to hurt me
To help HIM
TO Help him
TO HELP him
TO HELP HIM
To help HIM!
yes, to help him...
to help him...

Some days I just wonder if I am giving up on myself in all of this.
I have for years and it hasn't worked.
I need to know that my efforts are not in vain. That they won't be in vain.
Can someone please offer your perspective?
If you can relate please reply or pm. Please.
I just need to hear something today.
I just need to hear that someone out there understands...

People outside of this forum will say "well, if you walk through fire you're gonna get burned"
Truth is I have, and I'm burnt to the core, but not fully broken
And the reality of it is, I'd walk through fire for him, anytime
I guess what I'm getting at is my caring and understanding enabling him
Is he simply going to not care, or facilitate change, or say what I want to hear because he simply knows I'll always be here for him
Is he using my compassion and caring to get what he truly wants, that is, life with porn
And he thinks that even if I don't accept it, I'll stay anyway. Is he using me?

If you have been there, please help. I'm struggling.

Please respond if you understand/can offer anything

JB
 
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Gracie

Moderator
Staff member
Moderator
Jellybean,
Yes I have been where you are. I have felt pretty much everything you have felt. All of your words are familiar. And if you have read for a while through SO threads you can see the screwed up bag of feelings,anger,compassion, worry that we all feel. Your feelings are real. Do not let him minimize that. Your feelings are normal. Do not let him tell you otherwise. You are not crazy. You are worthy of a true faithful husband. You are a person that can express what you are feeling. We are here. We are supportive. Most of all we care. I am going to work but will get back on here later. I wanted you to know your message had been seen. You can pm me if there is anything specific. Remember, we are in your corner!
 

Simon2

Well-Known Member
As an addict, Incan only say this: it is not your fault and you didn't deserve this. You shouldn't have to accept it (a relationship is about doing for each other what the other person needs too - we can't be selfish as a single person!).

You are worthy of a good man, and you cannot fix him on your own. He has to want to fix himself. Some men just never see the problem... Others can't figure out how to solve it (porn is so pervasive and it's very very addictive). But that's not your problem. Set your boundaries and stick to them. Maybe it'll jolt him out of his pace of complacency when you mean it if.you say you'll walk away if nothing changes... If it doesn't - well maybe there's a better life waiting for you with someone else!

All the best!
 

ImBroken

Member
Been there…am there…will be here for a long time. Simple answer - YOU DECIDE WHERE IT GOES. He lost his equity in the relationship when his addiction took the passenger seat and you were left to ride in the trunk. At 5 months post D-Day - Its about what I need and want - I haven’t even factored him into the equation yet. I’ve been lied to, gaslit, made to feel less than, taken for granted, betrayed - he can live with that for a long time…as will I. You do you. If he willingly wants to come along for the ride - that’s on him - decide YOUR journey and what you will allow. The addiction may be gone or going - but with it went his ability to decide…anything. If he wants it - he should be willing to do ANY and ALL work you require. If you think that is unhealthy - try being a partner to an active porn/sex addict…you’ll immediately see/feel the beauty of the betrayed piecing their life back together. For those who think I might be bitter - I am not, I finally choose not to be a waste product of the addict…it/he has nothing left to take from me.
 
I know you wrote this months ago but if you ever find your way back here I want you to know you are not alone. My heart ached reading your post. Every single word hurt my heart. It hurt for me. It hurt for you. And it hurt for anyone who has ever felt like this. We do not deserve this.
 
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