Hey @Hunter_, I know how this feels, as do many of us here. The problem with this shit is that we've done it for so long, that it literally is one with us, and to have real breakup with it is very hard to do, even if you know you should. Don't beat yourself up about this though, although it's understandable and my middle name is Mr. Self Loathing, at the end of the day, it does nothing for you. Trust me.
Furthermore, I'm not assuming here, I'm just thinking out loud, there are many people in this life, that want this or that. Some want to be a rock star, others to climb Mt. Everest etc., however, these are all wishes and not goals. The difference between a man wanting to get to Everest and a man training to get to Everest, are night and day and would never be confused with one another. The same goes for a guy wanting to be a rock star, but, not wanting to put in all the hours and years of unsexy practice to be that good and actually make it. Now I'm not saying you're half-assing it, only you can know that, but what I am asking you to do is really ask the question, am I only wishing to climb Mt. Everest or am I actually training to?
I know for myself, back when I was looking at porn, both before knowing it was bad for me, and also afterwards, for many years I would say I didn't want to look at porn, and "wished" I could stop. However, one day after I wacked off for the 10,000th time and saw myself in my cum-drenched computer screen I asked myself What the fuck am I doing? After that day almost five years ago, although it hasn't been a perfect run, my life has completely changed. Why? Because that day I decided to climb my own Mt. Everest instead of watching reruns of Everest IMAX on YouTube.
Now there's nothing wrong with wanting to quit porn or wish to quit. But it's not the same as actually deciding to do it no matter the odds against you.
So my question to you is this. If porn is your Everest and you truly want to climb it once and for all. What training do you need to accomplish, to climb this beast and see that glorious sunset on the mountain top?
- What tools do you need?
- What people do you need?
- What books?
- What accountability?
- Is this forum enough or will you need something else to back you up when you start to slid down the peak?
Only you know the answers to these questions and these questions will be different for all of us.
And once again for clarification, I'm NOT saying you're half-assing it. But what I am saying is that our minds have a great ability of telling us we're going all the way, when in fact, were sitting on our couches eating chips instead of training at 4 A.M. in the morning.
Thanks everyone for your kind words and suggestions.
firstly, The reason I wanted to leave Porn is it's not what my identity is... I don't what to be remembered as a Porn addict. Also, It's directly affecting my career, my self-discipline is getting destroyed, not getting the fulfillment and happiness in smaller things that I had gotten earlier.
Back in 2022 july, I felt empty, lost, and despaired, and was experiencing depression all because of the small yet very bad decision of my life to watch porn in 2021. Since the start, I wanted freedom from Porn because it is breaking my self-disciplined identity. But when there is a critical moment due to some triggers the dopamine drops momentarily making me forget all the pain and the emptiness that was caused by porn. Before reading YBOP and joining RN, for every relapse I reduce my self-esteem for not having enough willpower and considering myself a loser only to realize later it won't do any good.
coming to the very nice post by @Blondie, I don't have the exact answer brother. I genuinely put effort but I feel sometimes I am not sincerely committing to stay away from the triggers. I really don't go to get triggered, for example: watching youtube/movies leading to my 95% relapse. but the habit of watching youtube was there from an early age for so long time, and when porn came into the picture my brain started to connect these two habits. I am slowly replacing this with other safer and healthier things to do in my free time like jogging, listening to podcasts, and using Duolingo.
I strongly believe that if we have a dream and wanted it very badly we will get it, I myself had seen this miracle work for me. But somewhere during my fight for freedom, I forgot to dream and just simply started living what life gives me. Now, I want to dream again and my Dream is " I want to Be Porn free ". I am sure I will do it and be proud of this achievement till my last breath.