Finding My Way Back - slowly


Hey SOs - Just wanted to give you all an update. Have been in INTENSE Betrayal therapy for a couple of months now. Soul wrenching, deep dive, gut tearing work. I’m starting to see some benefit. What I have learned - 1. The addiction is his, not mine. He is the addict. I choose NOT to be a part of his addiction if it is active. 2. PTSD is real. Every time I voiced my disapproval of his time committed to watching or creating porn - I was dismissed and relegated to a “deal with it” - it, in many ways, was equivalent to a beating - sometimes worse - bruises heal. I am never going to let myself accept that treatment from anyone. 3. I am so fucking worth the love I want to receive - if another person can’t or won’t see that - that is on them. This addiction of his CHANGED my life - and others that are important to me can CHANGE their life while fulfilling my needs - Zebras can change their stripes. 4. A quote that brought me back to reality from a friend on these boards “You can only be fully betrayed by someone you fully trusted” (paraphrasing) - The daily…hourly hurt of the betrayal is not omnipresent - but who the hell knows how long it will take to work its way out of my system. 5. Time “might” heal all wounds - there is no quick fix to P/S addiction - at least not for me. 6. I do not have to rush to get my personal life back on track - its been off the track for so fucking long - I don’t even know what a track looks like - maybe I need to learn to build my own track? Maybe one day I’ll let my spouse back on my track - all I know is I don’t have to decide.

Not much has changed on the relationship front - both of us are healing separately - but really putting in the work toward our own individual recovery.

My ego has been replenished. I have been approached and offered time and intimacy from both men and women (I’m steadfast GAY) - but it sure is nice hearing from women and men who might have an inkling into my situation “He must be a fucking idiot if he chose porn over you! Is he blind? What are you hanging around for - you are way out of his league and he doesn’t deserve you” - nice to hear - harder to process.

I have read SOOOOO much (I think everything that is available) and listened/read so many of your individual stories. The only thing I can’t get comfortable with is: “His addiction had NOTHING to do with you. His brain wiring is damaged - it is NOT about you”. I call bullshit on this one. I have become OKish with the fact that - He chose porn and sex outside of me - because I wasn’t enough for him. He needed MORE than me, different than me, other than me. For me - even though the relationship had its bumps over 30+ years - he was ALWAYS enough for me - I spoke vows to verify that - Those vows held me in this relationship for years. I still may be NOT ENOUGH for him - but I can handle that. I am MORE THAN ENOUGH for myself…and potentially someone else.

My husband is a really great man - who made really shitty choices - he has lost everything there is/was in our relationship. Its a shame that he gave our life up…or put it at severe risk - because he wanted to jack off to a fantasy - write a sex story about fictitious people - share online fantasies with people he will never, ever meet. The shame is - Losing me, never really factored into his addiction - losing me must have been worth the risk? Thus, proving my feeling that, as the spouse of a P/S addict - I just wasn’t enough - and I really, really am OK with that very hard reality.

I’ll keep lurking, reading and chiming in when I can. The damage this addiction has done is untold - but I’m getting back in the driver’s seat that is MY life. And that feels good.



Staff member
@ImBroken good to hear from you. I think sharing your recovery is inspiring and so truthful. I agree with the it’s not about you misnomer. When we were pre-porn I was his sole outlet for sex. There were were little signs sort of undetected by me. I felt we were solid. ages were 33 me 29 him. We literally rocked each others World. Then I found a magazine. Went nuts. Then we got cable, tv in bedroom, me traveling sick parent. Me traveling work. And the big shun began. No sex. Fortunately not internet. But pretty much total withdrawal from me and the kids while at home. Said not me but then told all the ways I changed. Gynecology wise from three kids, not wearing make up all the time, (I had a surgery no energy) 60 yr old. Didn’t dress up for him anymore. He watched porn to improve our sex life. Not one statement not me related. The f#&&ker. So it is about me. To this day I know at that moment those were his true thoughts. He says he doesn’t know what happened and I know those were his rationalizations and true thoughts to harm me. I have worked through it mostly. But I do not have the same confidence. I am not the same.