ImBroken
Member
Hey SOs - Just wanted to give you all an update. Have been in INTENSE Betrayal therapy for a couple of months now. Soul wrenching, deep dive, gut tearing work. I’m starting to see some benefit. What I have learned - 1. The addiction is his, not mine. He is the addict. I choose NOT to be a part of his addiction if it is active. 2. PTSD is real. Every time I voiced my disapproval of his time committed to watching or creating porn - I was dismissed and relegated to a “deal with it” - it, in many ways, was equivalent to a beating - sometimes worse - bruises heal. I am never going to let myself accept that treatment from anyone. 3. I am so fucking worth the love I want to receive - if another person can’t or won’t see that - that is on them. This addiction of his CHANGED my life - and others that are important to me can CHANGE their life while fulfilling my needs - Zebras can change their stripes. 4. A quote that brought me back to reality from a friend on these boards “You can only be fully betrayed by someone you fully trusted” (paraphrasing) - The daily…hourly hurt of the betrayal is not omnipresent - but who the hell knows how long it will take to work its way out of my system. 5. Time “might” heal all wounds - there is no quick fix to P/S addiction - at least not for me. 6. I do not have to rush to get my personal life back on track - its been off the track for so fucking long - I don’t even know what a track looks like - maybe I need to learn to build my own track? Maybe one day I’ll let my spouse back on my track - all I know is I don’t have to decide.
Not much has changed on the relationship front - both of us are healing separately - but really putting in the work toward our own individual recovery.
My ego has been replenished. I have been approached and offered time and intimacy from both men and women (I’m steadfast GAY) - but it sure is nice hearing from women and men who might have an inkling into my situation “He must be a fucking idiot if he chose porn over you! Is he blind? What are you hanging around for - you are way out of his league and he doesn’t deserve you” - nice to hear - harder to process.
I have read SOOOOO much (I think everything that is available) and listened/read so many of your individual stories. The only thing I can’t get comfortable with is: “His addiction had NOTHING to do with you. His brain wiring is damaged - it is NOT about you”. I call bullshit on this one. I have become OKish with the fact that - He chose porn and sex outside of me - because I wasn’t enough for him. He needed MORE than me, different than me, other than me. For me - even though the relationship had its bumps over 30+ years - he was ALWAYS enough for me - I spoke vows to verify that - Those vows held me in this relationship for years. I still may be NOT ENOUGH for him - but I can handle that. I am MORE THAN ENOUGH for myself…and potentially someone else.
My husband is a really great man - who made really shitty choices - he has lost everything there is/was in our relationship. Its a shame that he gave our life up…or put it at severe risk - because he wanted to jack off to a fantasy - write a sex story about fictitious people - share online fantasies with people he will never, ever meet. The shame is - Losing me, never really factored into his addiction - losing me must have been worth the risk? Thus, proving my feeling that, as the spouse of a P/S addict - I just wasn’t enough - and I really, really am OK with that very hard reality.
I’ll keep lurking, reading and chiming in when I can. The damage this addiction has done is untold - but I’m getting back in the driver’s seat that is MY life. And that feels good.
Mike
Not much has changed on the relationship front - both of us are healing separately - but really putting in the work toward our own individual recovery.
My ego has been replenished. I have been approached and offered time and intimacy from both men and women (I’m steadfast GAY) - but it sure is nice hearing from women and men who might have an inkling into my situation “He must be a fucking idiot if he chose porn over you! Is he blind? What are you hanging around for - you are way out of his league and he doesn’t deserve you” - nice to hear - harder to process.
I have read SOOOOO much (I think everything that is available) and listened/read so many of your individual stories. The only thing I can’t get comfortable with is: “His addiction had NOTHING to do with you. His brain wiring is damaged - it is NOT about you”. I call bullshit on this one. I have become OKish with the fact that - He chose porn and sex outside of me - because I wasn’t enough for him. He needed MORE than me, different than me, other than me. For me - even though the relationship had its bumps over 30+ years - he was ALWAYS enough for me - I spoke vows to verify that - Those vows held me in this relationship for years. I still may be NOT ENOUGH for him - but I can handle that. I am MORE THAN ENOUGH for myself…and potentially someone else.
My husband is a really great man - who made really shitty choices - he has lost everything there is/was in our relationship. Its a shame that he gave our life up…or put it at severe risk - because he wanted to jack off to a fantasy - write a sex story about fictitious people - share online fantasies with people he will never, ever meet. The shame is - Losing me, never really factored into his addiction - losing me must have been worth the risk? Thus, proving my feeling that, as the spouse of a P/S addict - I just wasn’t enough - and I really, really am OK with that very hard reality.
I’ll keep lurking, reading and chiming in when I can. The damage this addiction has done is untold - but I’m getting back in the driver’s seat that is MY life. And that feels good.
Mike
