CleanSlate
Member
Hi everyone,
I'm new here and this is my first post.
I'm almost 50 years old.
I have always been attracted to porn. I started quite young (at around 11 or 12 maybe?) with just pictures of beautiful women, most of the time dressed.
Then I moved on to pictures of naked women. Ocassionally (if was not so easy back in the days) I would flip some Penthouse or Playboy magazine.
I think I started masturbation at that age too (11 or 12), first only to fantasy then I started using magazines.
Some time later I had access to porn movies (VHS first, then DVDs), but this only happened on rare occasions.
I did not have access to Internet porn until I was maybe 32 or so and even then I only used it sparingly as I only had the chance to access Internet in private from time to time.
I think I started watching Internet Porn more often when I was approaching my forties but I think (or rather, I thought back then) that it did not cause any harm to my brain.
When I was 44 I divorced my then wife and started a relationship with the girl I am sharing my life right now.
Sex was perfect from day one with her but I think I let porn take more time in my life...to the point that (I think) I got PIED.
Last year, around the month of May, I was conviced I had PIED.
I'm saying this because I happened to find "The Great Porn Experiment" TED Talk and most of what I learned there resonated with me.
(I also came across YT videos by Gabe Deem, BTW)
I visited a doctor too, just to discard any physiological issue. My testosterone levels were fine and everything else looked also fine on my medical reports...so I thought it had to be PIED.
That's when I decided to start what would be my first reboot: happily, it only took me about three weeks to get back to "normal" (or so I felt).
Sadly, though, I thought it would be ok to indulge in porn from time to time.
Late last year, in November, I took a trip abroad with my brother and I spent almost three weeks away from home.
Dyring that time, I abstained from PMO completely. I did not even MO. This could be seen as my second reboot.
When I came back home at the end of November, I had great sex with my girlfriend.
And yet again, I though I was definitely cured...and came back to porn.
Not that I binged. Not that I had a compulsion...but I am back with PIED again.
I feel her very attractive. I love her more than I've loved any other girl. I want to spend the rest of my days with her...but at the beginning of December, I could just not keep my erection, and a couple of days later, she approached me looking for sex and I could not even get erect.
That was December 7th, and that is when I decided to start my third (and hopefully definitive) reboot.
My libido went down to zero. I entered the dreaded flatline.
I am now on day 47 and while my libido is not back to normal yet, I have been having some nocturnal erections and morning wood again (I'd say it is happening more frequently as days go by)
I have not confessed to my girlfriend about my addiction because I fear that if I do so, I will loose her.
I've only told her that I am going through bad times and that I need time to recover.
She does not understand and she's getting colder and colder with me.
Even if I try to approach her and have intimacy by kissing, caressing, cuddling her (not only because I like it, but also to test if I feel anything at all down my pants), she does not respond. She just kisses me back, but that's about all.
I am scared to death that my relationship is doomed because of this.
Keeping away from porn is being quite easy, though: I don't have any urge to use again, thankfully. I am aware that I have to keep my guard up, though.
Being in the flatline is killing me, though.
I know "90 days" is not a magical number, but I'd love to recover way faster than that, as I don't know whether my girlfriend will wait for me that long.
My mood is like a rollercoaster. I have days when I feel great and with lots of motivation and energy, while there are other days when I feel like sh*t and don't feel motivated to do anything at all.
I have not had suicidal thoughts, and I am determined to stay free from porn for good.
But...I am desperate and scared.
Thanks for this great forum and website and apologies for this overly long post.
I'm new here and this is my first post.
I'm almost 50 years old.
I have always been attracted to porn. I started quite young (at around 11 or 12 maybe?) with just pictures of beautiful women, most of the time dressed.
Then I moved on to pictures of naked women. Ocassionally (if was not so easy back in the days) I would flip some Penthouse or Playboy magazine.
I think I started masturbation at that age too (11 or 12), first only to fantasy then I started using magazines.
Some time later I had access to porn movies (VHS first, then DVDs), but this only happened on rare occasions.
I did not have access to Internet porn until I was maybe 32 or so and even then I only used it sparingly as I only had the chance to access Internet in private from time to time.
I think I started watching Internet Porn more often when I was approaching my forties but I think (or rather, I thought back then) that it did not cause any harm to my brain.
When I was 44 I divorced my then wife and started a relationship with the girl I am sharing my life right now.
Sex was perfect from day one with her but I think I let porn take more time in my life...to the point that (I think) I got PIED.
Last year, around the month of May, I was conviced I had PIED.
I'm saying this because I happened to find "The Great Porn Experiment" TED Talk and most of what I learned there resonated with me.
(I also came across YT videos by Gabe Deem, BTW)
I visited a doctor too, just to discard any physiological issue. My testosterone levels were fine and everything else looked also fine on my medical reports...so I thought it had to be PIED.
That's when I decided to start what would be my first reboot: happily, it only took me about three weeks to get back to "normal" (or so I felt).
Sadly, though, I thought it would be ok to indulge in porn from time to time.
Late last year, in November, I took a trip abroad with my brother and I spent almost three weeks away from home.
Dyring that time, I abstained from PMO completely. I did not even MO. This could be seen as my second reboot.
When I came back home at the end of November, I had great sex with my girlfriend.
And yet again, I though I was definitely cured...and came back to porn.
Not that I binged. Not that I had a compulsion...but I am back with PIED again.
I feel her very attractive. I love her more than I've loved any other girl. I want to spend the rest of my days with her...but at the beginning of December, I could just not keep my erection, and a couple of days later, she approached me looking for sex and I could not even get erect.
That was December 7th, and that is when I decided to start my third (and hopefully definitive) reboot.
My libido went down to zero. I entered the dreaded flatline.
I am now on day 47 and while my libido is not back to normal yet, I have been having some nocturnal erections and morning wood again (I'd say it is happening more frequently as days go by)
I have not confessed to my girlfriend about my addiction because I fear that if I do so, I will loose her.
I've only told her that I am going through bad times and that I need time to recover.
She does not understand and she's getting colder and colder with me.
Even if I try to approach her and have intimacy by kissing, caressing, cuddling her (not only because I like it, but also to test if I feel anything at all down my pants), she does not respond. She just kisses me back, but that's about all.
I am scared to death that my relationship is doomed because of this.
Keeping away from porn is being quite easy, though: I don't have any urge to use again, thankfully. I am aware that I have to keep my guard up, though.
Being in the flatline is killing me, though.
I know "90 days" is not a magical number, but I'd love to recover way faster than that, as I don't know whether my girlfriend will wait for me that long.
My mood is like a rollercoaster. I have days when I feel great and with lots of motivation and energy, while there are other days when I feel like sh*t and don't feel motivated to do anything at all.
I have not had suicidal thoughts, and I am determined to stay free from porn for good.
But...I am desperate and scared.
Thanks for this great forum and website and apologies for this overly long post.
