Time to End This Once and For All

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dienekes1

Active Member
Day 2

Thanks for the kind words of encouragement, @Androg and @Blondie. I'm definitely still feeling the hallmark after-effects of a relapse (brain fog, shame, disappointment, etc.), but I am doing better now than after previous relapses.

I've spent the past two days processing what happened, and aside from the contributing factors I previously mentioned I think that my deviation from my usual habits played a role in the relapse. While I normally meditate every day, I didn't do so on the three days immediately preceding the relapse, since I was out participating in social events. As I recounted in a post from several weeks ago, meditation has been an integral component of my success in this journey and my failure to abide by my daily meditation practice likely contributed to the other day's relapse. Moving forward, I'm going to make sure that I'm meditating every day, even if I happen to be busy. No excuses.
 
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dienekes1

Active Member
Day 3

Still reeling from the other day’s relapse, but am bouncing back quicker than I have in the past. Going from a 100+ day streak to one in the single digits has been quite a humbling experience, but it’s important for me to remember that I’m not back to square one. Rather, I’ve developed effective habits over the past 8 months that have placed me on an upward trajectory, one which will enable me to overcome this addiction once and for all. In that vein, I’m hopeful that this is the last Day 3 I ever have to experience.
 
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dienekes1

Active Member
Day 4

One of the chief benefits I’ve experienced since embarking upon this journey has been an increase in self-esteem, something which I have struggled with for most of my life. Over the years, I’ve done many things that were motivated, at least in part, by a desire to demonstrate my self-worth: gaining 35lbs of muscle, getting a law degree, earning a commission as a military officer. However, none of these things really raised my self-esteem in any appreciable way. The only thing that has in fact done so has been developing habits that have enabled me to begin living a porn-free life.

I’m currently reading a book about self-esteem by the author Nathaniel Branden. Branden defines self-esteem as such: “To trust one’s mind and to know that one is worthy of happiness is the essence of self-esteem.” This definition of self-esteem resonated with me, particularly the first part of it. Having confidence in one’s decision-making abilities is an integral part of developing self-esteem. However, trusting one’s mind is nearly impossible to do when such minds are totally compromised by an addiction which routinely overrides and damages the parts of the brain charged with reasoning and critical thinking. Since my relapse the other day, I have experienced a noticeable decline in my decision-making abilities and, in turn, my self-esteem. While I’m confident I’ll bounce back in short order, the relapse has been a wake-up call and a reminder of the reasons (namely, the pursuit of increased self-esteem) undergirding my motivation to succeed in this journey.
 
Androg

Androg

Administrator
Admin
Moderator
Brilliant post. Yes, the costs are higher than we realize in that moment of relapse. Maybe it's good to get a reminder now and then. :cool:
 
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dienekes1

Active Member
Day 5

Stoicism has experienced a revival of sorts in recent years and while I wouldn’t necessarily consider myself a Stoic, there is one Stoic precept that I think is useful in this journey: memento mori (Latin for “remember [your] death”). I’ve been making an attempt to bring attention to my mortality for years now, but this practice has taken on an additional significance since starting my reboot. Popular wisdom dictates that people should live life with as few regrets as possible and I think this is a noble aim. If I were to die tomorrow, one of my biggest regrets would be failing to overcome this addiction during my life. Since our time on this planet is shorter than we realize, and because it can be snatched from us at any moment, I am going to do everything in my power to rid myself of this proverbial demon well before my life comes to a close.
 
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dienekes1

Active Member
Day 7

The Roman statesman Cicero once said that “virtue is its own reward.” While I agree with his sentiment, it is useful to explore the psychological reasons for why this is the case. Unless a person was raised by wolves, he has a sense of basic right and wrong which, if not totally inherent, is at least so deeply-ingrained that it is impossible to excise or ignore. In short, we all have some sort of values system which guides our actions and this conception of morality cannot be overcome, no matter how much Nietzsche you read. However, when our values and actions are misaligned, our inner selves become confused, which in turn results in inner discord and a lowered self-esteem. Because low self-esteem causes a person to draw inward and become avoidant of the outside world, such a person will likely become more inclined to engage in the delusion that is porn, since porn is, at base, little more than escapism from reality. Thus, the vicious cycle with which most of us are only far too familiar is perpetuated. The point of this journal entry, which is admittedly a bit rambling and meandering, is that personal integrity (defined as acting in a way that aligns our values with our conduct) is essential to self-esteem; and since self-esteem is a crucial component of happiness, congruent (virtuous) living is the only way to truly cultivate a happy life (unless one happens to be a sociopath). Accordingly, if we know that porn is harmful, yet choose to engage in it anyway, we are only making ourselves less likely to be happy in the future.
 
D

dienekes1

Active Member
Day 10

No urges to report. Something that I’ve been struggling with lately is checking out attractive women when out in public. I’m sure this is pretty normal behavior, but it is unproductive (probably even counterproductive) and a waste of energy. Further, I think it’s intertwined with my porn addiction — both of which are born out of viewing women as sexual objects. I’m happy in my relationship and have no plans of pursuing other women. Moving forward, I’m going to start viewing attractive random women I see out in the world like I do attractive women online — as distractions, nothing more.
 
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