Time to End This Once and For All

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dienekes1

Active Member
Day 31

No urges today. Bummed that I had to do a few hours of work since I generally try to keep my weekends free for relaxing and recreational pursuits, but it wasn’t too bad.

I may have mentioned this in a previous entry, but cultivating and maintaining habits has been absolutely essential for my success on this journey. Every single day I:
  • read at least 5 pages of a book
  • watch at least one Dr. Trish Leigh video
  • listen to at least 5 minutes of an educational podcast (currently working on Open Yale Courses’ “Foundations of Modern Social Theory”)
  • take a 3-5 minute cold shower
  • meditate for 5-10 minutes
  • read a short passage of Marcus Aurelius’ “Meditations”
  • play NYT Games’ Wordle & Spelling Bee (to keep the mind sharp), and
  • work out (every third day I allow myself a rest day, however)

I’m sure this all sounds somewhat insane and over-the-top, but these habits have for whatever reason made overcoming this addiction exponentially easier (in addition to increasing my knowledge, physical fitness, and general resiliency).
 
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dienekes1

Active Member
Day 32

No urges to report. Had a 12-hour workday, but got a lot of things done that I would have otherwise had to do tomorrow. Feels good to look after your future self. The pursuit of instant gratification, which porn addiction encourages, really does us no favors in the long-term.
 
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dienekes1

Active Member
Day 33

No real urges to speak of. I experienced a few minor, fleeting feelings that I wouldn’t characterize as urges; however, they weren’t strong enough to really be noteworthy. I guess these are what urges feel like once the brain is well into the healing process. What would have been a strong urge 5 months ago is now something barely even noticeable.
 
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dienekes1

Active Member
Day 34

No real urges to report. Similar day to yesterday; experienced random minor mini-urges that were too weak to overwhelm. Tomorrow I start a 4-day training exercise with my military reserve unit. These normally increase my anxiety and often lead to relapses, however I feel that I am in a strong enough place in my journey to get through it with little trouble.
 
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dienekes1

Active Member
Day 37

Yet another busy day. At one point, I started feeling sick and had to lay down for a while. In the past, whenever I was sick I would engage in PMO to take my mind off of the uncomfortable feelings. So it makes sense that I experienced some urges when I was in bed trying to recover. However, I was able to withstand those urges without much trouble.

One thing I’ve noticed is that things have been a lot easier ever since I deleted the Instagram and Facebook apps from my phone.

Day 37 marks the second-longest streak I’ve ever had. Feeling very motivated to make it my longest streak of all-time (and ideally never engage in PMO again)!
 
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dienekes1

Active Member
Day 0

Relapsed this morning. I woke up, groggy and anxious, and started scrolling on Twitter when I saw something triggering … and the rest is history. I’m very disappointed in myself; I was doing really well and should have been able to withstand one lousy trigger.

I had a rough morning, which I spent more or less wallowing in self-pity. I’m out of that now, but it hurts deeply knowing how much progress I was making yet still succumbing to a PMO urge. In a way, because I haven’t been experiencing urges lately, I guess I forgot how to handle them.

Additionally, and not that my relapse is attributable solely to this, but due to my military duties I hadn’t had any free time in 3 days. My brain was craving dopamine and relaxation, and found it (albeit in a very dysfunctional, supernormal form). In hindsight, I should have just taken a relaxing shower or done something healthy instead of frying my brain with porn. I know by now that there are numerous ways to regulate my mood and calm myself down that don’t involve PMO.

Moving forward, I’m going to become even more deliberate with my intention for this journey. If I can reflect, every day, on my reasons for undertaking this path, I think it will make this easier. I believe it was Nietzsche who said “He who has a why can bear almost any how.” I have a vision for what myself and my life will look like once I finally overcome this insidious addiction, and the primary focus of my life right now is beating this. Honestly, everything else: work, school, the military, relationships — all will now be put on the back burner. While this may sound like an overzealous mindset, if I cannot free myself of addiction, I am of little use to the world and the people in it. I don’t care if it takes me 10 more years to do it; I’m going to conquer this thing one day.

Dec 11–> 🟥🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩🟥🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩🟥🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩🟥🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩🟥<—April 23
 
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dienekes1

Active Member
Day 1

Still reeling from yesterday's events. It's been a while since I've had to deal with the aftermath of a relapse and I'm currently being reminded of how bad it feels. Having brain fog, being restless and irritable, harboring self-pity -- this is not how I want to live my life. I deserve better and will do everything in my power to give myself a life free from porn addiction.

On the bright side, I did not experience any "chaser effect" urges. Additionally, while I was pretty demoralized yesterday, today I am even more dedicated to overcoming this addiction than I was before. It's necessary to feel remorseful when one slips up as I did, but being able to transmute this remorse into increased motivation is obviously more productive than wallowing in it and becoming disheartened. Maintaining the belief that porn addiction can be overcome is essential. Plenty of other guys have done it -- why can't I?

I spent some time yesterday and today writing up a sort of clinical dissection of this most recent relapse. I determined the factors that contributed to it and wrote down ways that I can prevent this from happening in the future. I also wrote down my reasons for staying on this path in order to reconnect myself with my intention here. As I stated in yesterday's post, my dream life does not involve being a slave to PMO urges. For however long it takes, my main priority will be to free myself from this addiction.
 
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dienekes1

Active Member
Androg said:
Cravings are no joke. It's just that they are a lie. They promise what they cannot deliver: wellbeing.
Click to expand...
You’re totally right. I also need to get better at keeping in mind that succumbing to cravings only makes things worse — and only results in more cravings, none of which can ever be satisfied.
 
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dienekes1

Active Member
Day 2

Still bummed about my relapse the other day, but very determined to make it my last. As the title of @Blondie’s thread says, porn is not an option.

Had a pretty chill day, took a very long cold shower, meditated for 20 minutes, read my book, and cleaned the apartment. Didn’t experience any urges.
 
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dienekes1

Active Member
Day 3

No urges to report. Had another pretty relaxing day. Starting to feel like I’m getting back on track — can feel the momentum starting up again. I’m going to beat this thing.
 
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dienekes1

Active Member
Day 5

No urges today. Came across a triggering picture online and quickly scrolled past it as fast as I could. I think ingraining this sort of reflexive behavior will help make this journey easier. My past relapses have always started with lingering a little too long on such a picture … which inevitably leads to an insatiable search for more. For this reason, a zero tolerance policy re: potentially triggering content is good sense.
 
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dienekes1

Active Member
Day 8

No urges today. Moved some of my stuff into a new apartment in the city, which I will be moving into in earnest later this month. Pretty excited for what the future holds — and this future does not involve porn.
 
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