Time to End This Once and For All

dienekes1

Active Member
Day 13

I left on a trip today for my brother’s bachelor party. Vacations like this — where I’m out of my normal environment, not abiding by my routines, and drinking — have historically led to pretty bad relapses. However, I chose not to drink (aside from having one 2.5% ABV radler) and made a point of following my normal habits. I also think that I’m at a place in my reboot where I am able to withstand any would-be triggers. Luckily, didn’t experience any real urges to PMO. Feeling pretty good, and proud of myself and my journey.
 

dienekes1

Active Member
Day 17

Returned from my trip yesterday. Had fun, but it feels good to be back home and in a familiar environment. Haven’t had any urges to speak of since my last post — really happy about that.
 

dienekes1

Active Member
Day 18

Had a sex dream last night, but fortunately it did not lead to any urges. I can definitely feel my brain healing and my mind becoming indifferent to sexual stimuli, such as this dream, which in the past would have most certainly lead to a relapse.
 

dienekes1

Active Member
Day 20

No urges today, either. I’m hesitant to jinx myself, but it’s pretty crazy to me that I’ve only had one — and a minor one at that — urge bout since this streak began. Usually I get hit with a massive urge wave at around the two-week mark, but that didn’t happen this time. I think my brain really is healing and that my subconscious no longer views PMO as something it wants to engage in. Feels good.
 

dienekes1

Active Member
Day 22

No urges to report. Visited my new apartment that I’ll be moving into next month. It’s hours away from my current place, so the trip involved a lot of driving. Spending my evening reading a Yukio Mishima book and hanging out with my dog and gf.
 

dienekes1

Active Member
Day 25

Had a pretty big presentation to give today, and the attendant nervousness evoked a sort of ‘whisper’ of urges. These ‘mini urges’ weren’t very strong, and were more like a weak undercurrent that was barely perceptible. Luckily, they never evolved into anything that could have triggered a relapse.

The fact that this happened makes a lot of sense, since I had used PMO as a mood-regulation ‘tool’ for over a decade. I realize now that it’s much better, in the long run, to simply be with my unpleasant emotions rather than escaping into porn and numbing myself out.
 

dienekes1

Active Member
Day 28

No urges to report. Had a pretty important presentation to give today, which went pretty smoothly. I think I’ve mentioned this before, but I feel that my public speaking skills (and my confidence in general) have gotten noticeably better since starting this journey.
 

dienekes1

Active Member
Day 29

Another day without urges and another day closer to having a brain that is completely unencumbered by addiction.

One of the things that got me started on this path years ago was thinking whether I, on my deathbed, would have regretted living my life in thrall to porn. Obviously, the answer to this question was (and is) a resounding “yes.”

Life is just way too short to forfeit one’s free will to an addiction. I want my conscience and inner soul to call the shots, not some unhealthy impulse to engage in conduct that fries my brain and makes me less happy & confident.
 
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