Ready for the fog to lift

Day one.

I'm 42 (almost 43). I have been looking at pornography since I was a 14 or so. I quit for a few years in my early twenties, but something triggered a relapse. Since then, I have managed to stop for, max, 10 days. I find Sundays and Mondays the most difficult.

I am married to a wonderful woman, who deserves better. She loves me, unconditionally, and that fills my heart with the shame associated with wanting to be better for someone so caring, so thoughtful. I have told her about my PMO in the past, but have not kept her up to date. I feel as though she knows and is patiently waiting for me to get better.

I have seen escorts. I have looked at a lot of porn. I seem to be locked in a cycle of PMO, shame, committing to quitting, relapse, shame,...

I'll read new literature and feel emboldened - like I am finally armed with the right information to quite once and for all. Then I relapse, lose faith in past theories and actively search for new ones.

I am a successful businessperson. I run two businesses. I have been diagnosed with ADHD and take Vyvanse daily. Though, I have heard that PMO addiction can affect dopamine receptors/producers, so perhaps porn and my ADHD diagnosis are interrelated. I don't know.

I have heard about the mental clarity people experience once they are able to reboot their brains, and I would like nothing more than to experience that - to give my wife the life she deserves and to kick a habit that I don't, in principle, agree with.

I have tried to quit so many times and I keep failing. This is day one for me. Yesterday, after four or five days of abstaining, I found myself feeling lonely, empty. I knew that getting outside or jumping on the exercise bike would help me push through, but I couldn't do it. I stared at my bike, knowing that if I got on, I wouldn't PMO, but I chose to grab my laptop and then head to the city to visit an escort. I felt and feel such tremendous amounts of shame.

I am willing to keep trying, and I am hopeful that connecting with a community such as this one will help me get though the tough times. I don't know what to do when those sneaky little thoughts start rearing their ugly heads - often when I am stressed. Often on Sunday evenings. Often on Monday mornings, or when mid-day. I feel them coming on and I lack the power to stop them.

Please help! I will keep writing. Your support is much appreciated, though I do not feel as though it is deserved. I feel like a bad man, terrible husband and poor human. I want to be better! I so desperately want to be better!

Thanks for reading!
 

Androg

Administrator
Admin
Moderator
You're not a terrible anything. You're just struggling with an addiction. Addicts have described them as "baffling, cunning and powerful," so don't be surprised if you need extra help. Can you attend an online recovery meeting once a day? A few months of that may give you a boost. Also, remember the power of vigorous exercise for helping to ease withdrawal misery. Stay strong!
 
Thank you! Engaging with people about this is new to me and it's already meaningful/powerful. Your response brought tears to my eyes. Thanks! I could perhaps attend a daily meeting. Does such exist?
 

TakeActionNow

Respected Member
Hi @NVR2L8 - Reboot Journal, welcome!

Here are some simple things you need to do and learn to get over your first month.

1. Read this link on Postcoital Neurochemistry: The Blues and the Highs. It explains why impulse 7 and 14 days after the last ejaculation is so strong. Endure this and you're on your way to freedom!

2. Watch Dr Trish Leigh on YouTube. She'll explain many porn effects in detail.

3. Focus on gaining happiness from your daily life exclusively. Recognize every small thing and have gratitude

4. Journal your thoughts and feelings every day. Even mid day and night if possible. Journalling gives you reflection and direction. It is the strongest way to accumulate small incremental daily joys that are crucial to replace the overwhelming neuro damaging blast of addiction.

Good luck and write often!
 
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Hi @NVR2L8 - Reboot Journal, welcome!

Here are some simple things you need to do and learn to get over your first month.

1. Read this link on Postcoital Neurochemistry: The Blues and the Highs. It explains why impulse 7 and 14 days after the last ejaculation is so strong. Endure this and you're on your way to freedom!

2. Watch Dr Trish Leigh on YouTube. She'll explain many porn effects in detail.

3. Focus on gaining happiness from your daily life exclusively. Recognize every small thing and have gratitude

4. Journal your thoughts and feelings every day. Even mid day and night if possible. Journalling gives you reflection and direction. It is the strongest way to accumulate small incremental daily joys that are crucial to replace the overwhelming neuro damaging blast of addiction.

Good luck and write often!
Thanks so much for this! I will start reading Postcoital Neurochemistry right away. I'll also check out Dr. Trish Leigh's YT videos. And I will try to journal every mid-day and evening. Mid-day is an especially hard time for me, so I can certainly see the value in identifying and expressing my thoughts/feelings then. Thanks again!
 
Day 2

I have been here before. It is that time where I am starting to feel better. The fog lifts ever so slightly. I am, for the most part, able to focus on the things requiring my attention and not be too distracted by the lurking desire to PMO.

I don’t know what it feels like to be confident that I’ll be able to succeed. I stil have a nagging voice telling me I’ve been on day two countless times and that, no matter how many more days you make it, you’ll ultimately fail. This is a very damaging thought loop. I don’t know how to change it. I want to, though. Any advice?

Since mid-2022, I have been busier than usual. This has not helped, mentally. A lot is required of me at all times, and, while the long-term goal is that today’s busyness will lead to a more balanced life, this is not the reality in which I currently reside.

I am grateful for the support I have already experienced in this community and I am honoured to be on the this journey with you. I have appreciated the resources that have come my way and I have read/watched many of them. There have been helpful.

I am staring at the rest of my day, but the afternoon is busy with meetings and my temptation to PMO during weekday evening is usually manageable, as I am not alone.

I work from home and sit in front of a monitor during most of the winter. In summer, I am outside.

What kinds of habits have you created to supplant PMO?

As was encouraged of me, I will write more often. I currently exercise in the mornings, but perhaps I should consider running or cycling during the day.

Thanks again for reading and yeah to day two!

Cheers!
 

Nico

Active Member
If you get that thought loop or craving going I recommend reading some of the journals on here, there are lots of tips and inspirations. For me, quitting felt impossible because I subconsciously believed porn is pleasure and relieves difficult emotions, but when I saw this wasn't at all true, in fact the opposite of the truth, something shifted. It's far easier to put down something we associate with pain than something we associate with pleasure. It might help if you analyse what porn gives you and how it really makes you feel - and what it has taken away and who it turns you into versus who you want to be. All the habits and distractions in the world can't hold it off forever if you believe you are giving up or losing something valuable. You are not, it is poison plain and simple.

I was reading ebooks about porn addiction as well - The Easy Peasy Method is quite good. Honestly when craving was on me, I would do anything to let it pass - exercise, tv series, a game, or ideally meditation. The porn cravings are only thoughts really, and they pass.

Just for today all that matters is you getting to day 3 :)
 
If you get that thought loop or craving going I recommend reading some of the journals on here, there are lots of tips and inspirations. For me, quitting felt impossible because I subconsciously believed porn is pleasure and relieves difficult emotions, but when I saw this wasn't at all true, in fact the opposite of the truth, something shifted. It's far easier to put down something we associate with pain than something we associate with pleasure. It might help if you analyse what porn gives you and how it really makes you feel - and what it has taken away and who it turns you into versus who you want to be. All the habits and distractions in the world can't hold it off forever if you believe you are giving up or losing something valuable. You are not, it is poison plain and simple.

I was reading ebooks about porn addiction as well - The Easy Peasy Method is quite good. Honestly when craving was on me, I would do anything to let it pass - exercise, tv series, a game, or ideally meditation. The porn cravings are only thoughts really, and they pass.

Just for today all that matters is you getting to day 3 :)
Awe, man! Thanks for this! It was just what I needed. I hope that at some point I'll be able to be just as inspiring and helpful to others on this forum! I'm on day 3 now. I'll journal about it at the mid-day point. Thanks for the craving-distraction tips!
 
Day 3

Day 3 is when the guilt sets in - when I am starting to think a little more clearly and the weight of my previous actions starts to settle on my shoulders. This is when my inner fatalist rears his ugly head. "How can you even look at your wife after all that you've done?" "You'll fail this time like you always do." Then I think to myself, "I don't deserve to quit PMO and stop the suffering. I deserve to suffer. I should have to pay for all the hurt I have caused and all the potential joy and intimacy I have withheld from my wife as a result of my actions."

I am happy to be on day 3, but more so, I am very comforted by the support I have been receiving from this forum. I appreciate it so much. This is all very tough, especially as my work is quite stressful right now.

I have managed to refrain from PMO today and I am heading into a busy weekend. My next hurdle is day four, but my next monumental hurdle is Sunday evening and Monday, two of the toughest days for me.

Thanks for the tips and resources! I appreciate them all. And I need them!

Thanks for reading!
 
Day 4

This has been and remains a difficult day. It’s the weekend, a time when I usually find an excuse to look at something soft on my phone, subconsciously allowing my PMO habit to gradually - over the course of a few IG refreshes - be triggered without me having made the explicit decision to go down that path.

I trick my own brain. Or my habit tricks my brain. Or I allow my brain to be tricked. I am not sure, but I feel it. I feel the pull to start in on a set of behaviours that will lead to PMO. I know that after I see one triggering image, I am quick to tell myself that I have already failed and that I may as well lean into the habit and reset the clock tomorrow.

I am also terrified about tomorrow. I have a busy week coming up and the thought of all that I have to get done on Monday will make my Sunday evening such that I want to avoid the thoughts that will be creeping into my head. This is when I am the weakest. This is when I need all the tools in the world.

That said, I have had a great day with my wife and our evening plans sound great, too.

I am grateful for day four, but the big trials are around the corner. I can feel it.

Thanks for reading!
 

Nico

Active Member
You're doing well - It's all a learning - what triggers the cravings, what feelings lead to a need to check out through porn, and how they can be managed differently. I bet there are other ways to deal with the work stress, any ideas what could work instead of the old habits that screw us up? For me it's exercise, connection/talking about it or writing it out, meditation or guided relaxation, a bath, a good book, reading a thread on here, or plain old distraction by any means necessary! (Like movies/games or whatever)
 
Day 5

People, friends, ardent and fellow supports: It is Sunday and I have been successful, so far. I have had the most wonderful day with my wife! I still have the evening to get through, but I am hopeful. Mondays are traditionally quite hard for me, but I will keep you posted.

I am, once again, thankful for this supportive community! I am new here, but all of you have helped me immensely!

Thanks! And thanks for reading!
 
You're doing well - It's all a learning - what triggers the cravings, what feelings lead to a need to check out through porn, and how they can be managed differently. I bet there are other ways to deal with the work stress, any ideas what could work instead of the old habits that screw us up? For me it's exercise, connection/talking about it or writing it out, meditation or guided relaxation, a bath, a good book, reading a thread on here, or plain old distraction by any means necessary! (Like movies/games or whatever)
Thanks, Nico! I appreciated the advice! Exercise and writing are big for me! And I will continue to source new and effective ways to deal with my work-related stress. I need to build a strong repertoire of new, distracting habits. Thanks again!
 
Day 6, part 1

More so than day six, it's a Monday, one of the most difficult days for me to not PMO. Part one has been successful, but this day requires a two-part entry.

Sunday evening is usually a time I begin the downward trajectory of succumbing to PMO, finishing it off on Monday. I didn't do that this week. I had the most wonderful weekend!

My dreams last night were sexual and anxious. I woke up with extra sensitivity in my penis. It's as though even the everyday and natural act of walking is attempting to trigger PMO. The friction felt against my penis during every step is a smidge arousing.

I am starting to worry about such things as: if I successfully quit, will I be giving up the pleasure of PMO forever? What is on the other side of this mountain, after I crest it? Am I giving up something I actually enjoy?

Some of these questions are damaging and I see where they lead, but they are popping up at this stage.

I see now how much of this fight is connected to insecurities elsewhere. These are things that need to be addressed.

I have been exercising more and that has helped immensely! Writing, too, has helped.

Until later today, when I address part two.

Thanks again for all your help and support! Please continue to through resources my way. I'm in the thick of it now.

Thanks for reading!
 

Nico

Active Member
will I be giving up the pleasure of PMO forever? What is on the other side of this mountain, after I crest it? Am I giving up something I actually enjoy?
Key questions..is it really pleasure? Looking at your first post it seems there is a lot of pain for you, your wife, and low worth and difficult feelings that comes with it - which doesn't quite add up to a pleasurable activity. If its just pleasure it kind of makes sense to use, so I think its important to convince the brain that it isn't..
Also a lot of people in recovery get overwhelmed with the prospect of forever, which is why we try to approach it a day at a time - just for today I won't use feels a lot more manageable and doable right?
 

TakeActionNow

Respected Member
I attest staying clean is 1000% better than cumming.
While cumming obviously feels momentarily better, 99% of the non-cum time feels like sandpaper. It's not worthwhile.

On a scale of 1 to 10, I'll rather take a "6" day everyday than a "10" one day and "1" for the reminder days of a month.

While the "6" days will never be as emotionally high as a "10" day, it does have a chance to become consistent "7" or "8" days if we learn to cultivate gratitude and appreciation.

It's very hard to explain to addicts why non-addict life is better, just like explaining why living in another country is better than your's if you've never been there before.

But the fact that addiction distorts and destabilize our emotions and sense of reality is enough to question if its feel good is really better.
 
Day 6, part two

The day is still not over, but I have been successful. It remains incredibly difficult. I am up against deadlines for tomorrow morning and I am fighting fatigue. It is at moments like these when I want nothing more than to retreat into a long PMO session. As I get more and more tired, my brain's ability to fight the increasingly clever thought patterns associated with my PMO addiction wanes. Writing this, it's clear that I need to shut things down for the evening.

I am grateful for having endured day six, but, rest assured, it has not been easy, nor enjoyable.

Here's to a better day seven and a good night's sleep.

Thanks for reading!
 
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