42&Hopeful
Member
Day one.
I'm 42 (almost 43). I have been looking at pornography since I was a 14 or so. I quit for a few years in my early twenties, but something triggered a relapse. Since then, I have managed to stop for, max, 10 days. I find Sundays and Mondays the most difficult.
I am married to a wonderful woman, who deserves better. She loves me, unconditionally, and that fills my heart with the shame associated with wanting to be better for someone so caring, so thoughtful. I have told her about my PMO in the past, but have not kept her up to date. I feel as though she knows and is patiently waiting for me to get better.
I have seen escorts. I have looked at a lot of porn. I seem to be locked in a cycle of PMO, shame, committing to quitting, relapse, shame,...
I'll read new literature and feel emboldened - like I am finally armed with the right information to quite once and for all. Then I relapse, lose faith in past theories and actively search for new ones.
I am a successful businessperson. I run two businesses. I have been diagnosed with ADHD and take Vyvanse daily. Though, I have heard that PMO addiction can affect dopamine receptors/producers, so perhaps porn and my ADHD diagnosis are interrelated. I don't know.
I have heard about the mental clarity people experience once they are able to reboot their brains, and I would like nothing more than to experience that - to give my wife the life she deserves and to kick a habit that I don't, in principle, agree with.
I have tried to quit so many times and I keep failing. This is day one for me. Yesterday, after four or five days of abstaining, I found myself feeling lonely, empty. I knew that getting outside or jumping on the exercise bike would help me push through, but I couldn't do it. I stared at my bike, knowing that if I got on, I wouldn't PMO, but I chose to grab my laptop and then head to the city to visit an escort. I felt and feel such tremendous amounts of shame.
I am willing to keep trying, and I am hopeful that connecting with a community such as this one will help me get though the tough times. I don't know what to do when those sneaky little thoughts start rearing their ugly heads - often when I am stressed. Often on Sunday evenings. Often on Monday mornings, or when mid-day. I feel them coming on and I lack the power to stop them.
Please help! I will keep writing. Your support is much appreciated, though I do not feel as though it is deserved. I feel like a bad man, terrible husband and poor human. I want to be better! I so desperately want to be better!
Thanks for reading!
I'm 42 (almost 43). I have been looking at pornography since I was a 14 or so. I quit for a few years in my early twenties, but something triggered a relapse. Since then, I have managed to stop for, max, 10 days. I find Sundays and Mondays the most difficult.
I am married to a wonderful woman, who deserves better. She loves me, unconditionally, and that fills my heart with the shame associated with wanting to be better for someone so caring, so thoughtful. I have told her about my PMO in the past, but have not kept her up to date. I feel as though she knows and is patiently waiting for me to get better.
I have seen escorts. I have looked at a lot of porn. I seem to be locked in a cycle of PMO, shame, committing to quitting, relapse, shame,...
I'll read new literature and feel emboldened - like I am finally armed with the right information to quite once and for all. Then I relapse, lose faith in past theories and actively search for new ones.
I am a successful businessperson. I run two businesses. I have been diagnosed with ADHD and take Vyvanse daily. Though, I have heard that PMO addiction can affect dopamine receptors/producers, so perhaps porn and my ADHD diagnosis are interrelated. I don't know.
I have heard about the mental clarity people experience once they are able to reboot their brains, and I would like nothing more than to experience that - to give my wife the life she deserves and to kick a habit that I don't, in principle, agree with.
I have tried to quit so many times and I keep failing. This is day one for me. Yesterday, after four or five days of abstaining, I found myself feeling lonely, empty. I knew that getting outside or jumping on the exercise bike would help me push through, but I couldn't do it. I stared at my bike, knowing that if I got on, I wouldn't PMO, but I chose to grab my laptop and then head to the city to visit an escort. I felt and feel such tremendous amounts of shame.
I am willing to keep trying, and I am hopeful that connecting with a community such as this one will help me get though the tough times. I don't know what to do when those sneaky little thoughts start rearing their ugly heads - often when I am stressed. Often on Sunday evenings. Often on Monday mornings, or when mid-day. I feel them coming on and I lack the power to stop them.
Please help! I will keep writing. Your support is much appreciated, though I do not feel as though it is deserved. I feel like a bad man, terrible husband and poor human. I want to be better! I so desperately want to be better!
Thanks for reading!