CPTSD focus

I'm 29 now. I've attempted more reboots than I can count. I realise now, I need to address the root:
  1. CPTSD and reparenting - Fawning and bottled emotion + traumas - Chronic shame - Emptiness
  2. Neurodivergence: ADHD, rejection sensitivity, SPS, dysregulation, nervous system, shyness, quietness and mutism. Living simpler
  3. Deep nondual transcendent purpose/seeking/enquiry, goals, interests, hobbies and mindfulness. Recovery as a spritual journey - Finitude
  4. Connection/community and support/treatment
  5. Self-care: Intake, body, rest and hygeine
  6. New attitudes towards: Healthy sexuality (Porn, Women, Masculinity, Sexualised traumas) and Tech (digital minimalism)
  7. Dopamine mechanisms and natural rewards: Seeking itself is the addiction, not just consumption, this is important- Rewire to real partner
Healthy natural sexuality:
I get powerful cravings and easily triggered during reboot. There's no shame in sexuality or wanting sex. But I need time to work out what's natural and okay, and what's harmful and excessive. What's conditioned and what's normal. I don't know what fully healthy desire looks like in this area until I give this all up for some time. What's more important than sex is survival and being alive. Sex is about reproducing more humans because what's more important is life and living. But also intimate connection. And that's an important part of being alive too which porn could only ever provide the illusion of. Porn to sex is like junk food to nutritious natural food.

Primarliy becuase of dopamine, I've also developed interests in:
  • Homosexual and trans encounters
  • Voyeurism
  • Vicarious enjoyment: Learning what women are into, watching what they like to rexperience it
  • Swinging and other group acitivities
  • Casual sex
  • The kink scene
  • Cuckolding
  • Open relationships
  • Older women
  • Escorts and similar services
Working out if these are porn-influenced (as they likely are) will be very important

Meditation helps with all of these.
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Starting fresh. Today I had relapses to hardcore porn. In my current relationship, there was a period where I allowed porn to enter into the equation.

In my relationship we did a quiz to see which kinks we have in common. I have this undisclosed porn addiction and didn't tell her but when I saw she liked hardcore porn and would be into watching it with me, I dove straight in. Now we've done it together a lot.
I also got her into gooner porn which is basically an intentional addiction to porn and masturbation with porn themed around that subject. Please avoid this like the plague.
Now I need to backtrack and tell her about all my past attempts to quit porn and the fact I hid my addiction from her and actually have strong views against it she may not share. I intend to still do this as I trust our bond and her love.

Being home alone causes me to relapse. I'm under high stress because of all the things I know I need to focus on and how that impacts my work and social life. Right now I'm so self-absored out of neccessity that I'm not easy to get along with. I also have such poor boundaries that I get along with the wrong people and settle for it. I hate gossip still. I'm deeply desensitized to porn and regret letting it enter my relationship. However I'm glad my partner is openly supportive of basically all of my choices because we genuinely love each other deeply. As of this post I'm starting again fresh. I'm sick of being numb and dysregulated due to this stuff.

So in order to truly get to the root, I'm going to be focusing on CPTSD. I'm starting by educating myself and reading both Pete Walker's book and Gabor Mate's latest book The Myth of Normal.

Watch this new space. Feel free to read my past journal too.
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I'm currently on the non stimulant medicine Straterra and, even though I was relapsing when I was starting it, it seems to be helping me when I make a conscious effort to stay in recovery and I'm gonna try take advantage of that.

I usually get bad akathisia which is made worse by porn withdrawal. This medication so far has wiped that out entirely. Time will tell.

I wanted to relapse many times. Instead I went through my old reboot journals, digging into them for info about myself that's still relevant and useful. I was also able to see how far I've come and how much I used to blame myself for things I now have a better understanding of.

I'm gonna add that stuff here once I process it all.

For now I haven't really made much more progress than that.

The meds, and recent relapses to hard material, have made me completely disinterested in sex with my partner. I really hope this changes soon.
075% success rate

Today I spent a lot of time with my partner. Still have no sex drive but at least I didn't relapse. I've set up a spreadsheet to track my success rate instead of days clean. That way I can focus on making that higher instead of being perfect.

There are micro slips I've been recording. I'll post them more as I go along with this log.
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093% of average success rate

If I keep it up, I'll increase my average success rate so far by tomorrow. Tracking my success rate out of number of attempts, and then seeing where I'm at based on my average is the best way for me to stay motivated even when I've been slipping. Suddenly I'm not back at day one, I've only gone down a bit in my rate and can go back up again.

Been real busy lately. Wasn't so good when I went on a trip to visit my family home because old habits returned there. But being with my girlfriend helps. The only trouble is, that because of the porn addiciton and medication I'm on, I still have zero interest in real sex with her. Other factors contributing to this are pelvic and penis related issues in going through.


Physical affection can nourish you both, even when sex is not an option.
076% of average success rate

I want to get my average sucess rate back over 50% so more than half of my attempts have been successful. I also think seeing the stuff recorded is helping me. I just need to avoid the trap I often fall into of thinking that tracking and logging is me rebooting. It kinda tricks my brain that I can be more complacent because I'm still doing recovery things and that will save me. But the celebrating of small victories is what will keep me here in the long run. So now I need to get back over 100% of my average and start increasing it again.

Thanks for that @Androg. I've been relapsing for some time now. I've been overwhelmed mostly by trying to get to the root of all this. I've found clear answers as I always have but taking action and knowing where to start has always been a weakness due to my ADHD and perfectionism. It's the perpetual trap I'm in. I have several serious things that need their own attention but no priortisation skills and no goal directed persistence ability. What I DO have is great self-awareness and I know which paths I don't want to take the more I learn. That counts for something. But I'd much rather be taking action. Emotion regulation and CPTSD are still the major standouts. I realise CPTSD isn't an official diagnosis but it's the one that has made the most sense to me. I've tried to quit so much in my life. My current relapses have been so automatic. Alone time almost always means relapse time. Otherwise I spend most of it primarily with my partner. I have great intentions to start out but then get home from a long day and go on auto-pilot. I need to reprogram my alone time. Alone time can still be fun. I'm really getting into puzzle games for example. Hobbies are essential to recovery, I know this much.

I need to address many of the traumas behind the kinks I've developed like cuckolding. I know this espeically is an expression of many wounds I have.

All I know is that the longer you get desensitzed to things, the more crazy shit you watch, the more your brain normalises it to some extent. Even just at the level of consumption. Not just acting out which you could end up doing and regret. Like me acting on the fantasy above which has almost happened. I need to get out of the porn haze long before I consider acting on kinks and fetishes in the real world.
088% of average success rate

Did I act-out today and engaged in identifiable patterns? What can I do about preventing repeats?
Yes. I watched porn in my room. What's driving my relapses is life overwhelm and feeling like I missed out in life. It's also from boredom and my low tolerance for it. These are long running patterns for me. I'm still in the process of working out better systems for managing habits and tasks when I have executrive dysfunction. It's looking like I'm gonna try a bullet journal alongside the everyday habit tracking app.

Did I engage with recovery resources? Podcasts? Books?

A bit of a podcast but not really.

How did I soothe my anxiety or stress?
With food, porn and TikTok. I need healthier ways to cope with sensations and emotions I don't like.

What am I grateful for today?
Having a bit of alone time.

Lessons going ahead?
I'm deep into this addiction and I know that it's the most important thing to sort out in my life. And that's the reminder here. I keep getting off track and losing focus on logging each day and focusing on recovery. But I'm back now.

Anything else on my mind?
If I keep things up for five more days I can up my success rate to a point where I've been more successful overall than failing and that's something acheiveable.


Sounds like you have lots of awareness. One day at a time. Do you need more support?
089% of average success rate
060% success so far this week
2 day avg. to get back on track

I've been at this for about 11 years and tried many things. What I never knew earlier on was that my focus should have been more directly on my trauma and all the early influencers of my addiction so that's where I'm now focusing. I'm overall doing well in the sense of my trajectories in life and the knowledge I've accumulated. If anything, despire my executive dysfunction preventing me from ever fully acting on anything, the knowledge I've gained has given me good awareness and closed off wrong paths too. This log is enough support for me, for now at least, until I truly start addressing my CPTSD, I know I can't expect anything to change.

I put a lot of pressure on myself and that's also rooted in the trauma. I recently stopped using my habit tracker. Now the overwhelm of everything I was previously expecting of myself is gone, I haven't even relapsed today. For whatever other reasons too, I just had no desire to act out today.

I have become hyperfixated in a positve way of relearning nonviolent communication. I had gone off it due to it's percieved flaws but I've come back around to it full circle. Learning healthy, compassionate assertiveness is really important for me in dealing with unmasking my neurodivergence, getting along better with my dysfunctional family in the future and for dealing with my present toxic workplace full of gossip and stress for me. Work, relationships, they are both meant to provide natural rewards and fulfilment. Trish Leigh often points out that if you focused on work, relationships, hobbies, trauma work and meditation to rewire the brain, then that alone is enough. I've come to learn lately that one hobby of mine, besides lifelong learning, is to do puzzles and play puzzle based games of all types and I've been doing that a lot. The NVC learning was a great distraction today.

I'm extremely lucky and grateful to be in a secure relationship right now. I'm on strattera still for ADHD symptoms and that's been really helping me focus. Today was a very relaxed day.

I've never been a good sleeper but last night I allowed myself to wear earplugs and that really helped.

So, no setbacks today which I'm really pleased about.
092% of average success rate
023% Better than last week
2 day avg. to get back on track

I slipped up quite a bit today. I was home alone and not seeing how much pressure I was putting on myself to do something. I still had old chats and accounts on my phone which I've now deleted. It led to a binge and I went to my go to content. Boredom and overwhelm were the main things. I went through the list of universal human needs and I've noted down which of them are not being met and what I'm using addiction to cover up. False security came up around cravings. I felt like it was just a thought and I could deal with it but it was so automatic and fast.

Seeing that I'm gonna increase my average success rate soon is still a motivator because it's an improvement and it's gonna put me past the point where I've been more successful than not. That's encouraging too.


Active Member
It's good that you're recognizing those deeper needs that aren't being met. Addressing those makes the urges much easier to deal with.


Make a list of things you can do when "bored." Start with the other things. ;)
097% of average success rate
067% weekly rate so far
060% monthly rate so far
057% weekly rate for checking-in

Back on track. Being with my partner helps. Having new workmates who like talking to me helped. Learning NVC helped. Being more open about my opinions helped. Making an effort with colleagues I don't really like helped. Having a focus on communication is helping a lot.

I've come to realise that: because connection is the oppposite of addicittion, because it's a big unmet need addiction masks and casues, because it's the start and end goal of actualisation, and because work should be rewarding, and because I want a secure attachment, so many other reasons... communication and connection are where I should be putting my focus. On unmasking my neurodivergence, my intellect, my opinions, my boundaries and preferences, my interests and my desire to be kind to people.

What I still haven't done is fully opened up to my partner about how long this has been a bigger issue for me than I've let on before. I'm still giving myself time. I don't feel ready yet.

Thinking in terms of needs is really helping me remain self-compassionate and never go hard on myself. I haven't been meeting my self-care needs, especially around nutrition. I want to eat well and learn more about nutrition but not under pressure. Basically I just want to focus on knowledge and awareness only and then make changes at my own pace based on what I learn on the way and what I natrually feel inspired and motivated to act on, as opposed to in the past where I would try get it all perfect at once and fail every time. That's somewhat the same with recovery but nows when I need to act more on the years of accumulated learning I've done. The action part is always the hardest and it's the difference between feeling like I'm making progress and actually doing it.
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Active Member
Connection is definitely key to long term recovery, especially if one turns to addiction because of loneliness. Connection is for sure the opposite of addiction because we have to isolate ourselves emotionally and physically from others to act out. It's good that you recognize this.
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092% of average success rate

Did I act-out today and engaged in identifiable patterns? What can I do about preventing repeats?
Had some major binges going on. Was home alone. That's all it takes for me to end up relapsing.
  • I think it's the inability to be with myself and all the pressure on myself
  • It's also the need for rest not going met in my life
  • I find it hard to just be with myself
  • The simple fact it's just addictive, which is often missed or seen as too simplisitic
  • The rest is just:
    • Familiarity
    • Comfort
    • Boredom
    • Stimulation
    • To feel regulated and soothed
    • To avoid discomfort (ease, comfort, safety, peace)
    • General disatisfaction with how things are (growth, learning, meaning, purpose, contributing to life)
    • Overwhelmed with all the possible things I could be addressing (need for growth, order, effectiveness, competence, empowerment)
The patterns were just me seeking high (unearned) dopamine, novelty themed content to get my hit and soothe myself. So my plan is to reintroduce mindfulness again. It would address most of these: Being with myself, taking a break from the thinking mind, being with boredom and discomfort without the need for stimulation.

How serious am I taking this?
Not seriously enough again. It's an after-thought. Still important to me but not a priority as much as it should be, and still causing major harm.

Did I engage with recovery resources? Podcasts? Books? Including CPTSD stuff?

No and that's really slowing my progress because nothings actually changing.

How did I soothe my anxiety or stress? What needs to change in this area?

Food, Tik Tok, Sugar, Chatting with my partner, Watching nonviolent communication videos. I'm not meeting my needs for nourishment or self-compassion.

What/who am I grateful for today?

Marshall Rosenburg

Did I pursue my purpose in any way?
Only by a bit of nonviolent communication study which I'm really taking on board and trying to make very conscious right now

Lessons going ahead? What do I need to do different? What's the plan?

Well I've gotten a bullet journal so that's one big start. Need to introduce habit tracking again. Need to reintroduce meditation and mindfulness again too.

What are some needs of mine that went unmet today?

Everything mentioned above. My needs for nourishment and hydration. My need for ease but also stimulation. My need for effectiveness. My needs for purpose and enriching life. My need to be present.

Anything else on my mind?

Not currently.
I'm in the steady range of slighty more than 40% success and have been for a while since I started. Considering this is my baseline and I can be doing more is very encouraging not demotivating. Seeing it visualised in spreadsheet form and keeping multiple metrics has really been helping me see how much potential chaos I've contained. Containment not perfection is the key to this. You don't know how bad you would've been, had you been tracking nothing at all. So avoiding the trap of daily counting really helps. I've been reading more of the CPTSD books slowly. I've started habit tracking and bullet journalling more. I spoke up for my opinions today. I was a loving supportive partner. I relapse majorly today but I have deep compassion for myself and the roots of why I did it. I tracked it and I'm here logging again. I wanted high dopamine. I wanted to numb out after a stressful long day. I wasn't meeting my need for hydration and I wasn't fully meeting my need for being authentic. So that's what I can focus on. I am deciding wether to keep the question format going in these logs. I'll leave it for how I'm feeling on the day. I'm also still learning nonviolent communication. I want to start using blockers again too as a reminder system and general deterent, as a prompt more that something I rely on. I think it's better than nothing, so long as you use them not as will power replacements, but as an extra bit of support. One that may make a small percentage reduction in use that contributes to the total percentage of all the tools you are using. I will set up a habit to reset them daily so that even if I disable them, they will be back up most days and evenutally I'll get tired of doing the workarounds.

I've also decided to track days as between sleeps instead of every 24 hours so that when I track things daily, I don't feel like I've lost a day the next day if I relapsed past midnight.
Did I act-out today and engaged in identifiable patterns? What can I do about preventing repeats? (not even necesarily porn)
Yes. I did. I need blockers. I've only set up the habit to reset them each day but no mental resources at all to set them in place yet. High dopamine autopilot when alone in my room.

Identifiable roots? Solutions?
Bad sleep. Overwhelm. Messy room overwhelm. Giving myself high pressure tasks that don't actually matter.

How serious am I taking this? What am I justifying too much? What are some blind-spots I can think of?
Not serious enough still. I'm justifying that logging and habit tracking is enough. I do this all the time. I think my biggest blind-spot right now might be how much hiding what I know about this issue from my partner is not protecting me from anything like I tell myself. She could be my biggest supporter in all this.

Did I engage with recovery resources? Podcasts? Books? Including CPTSD stuff?
A bit of NVC.

How did I soothe my anxiety or stress? What needs to change in this area?
I don't know how to be alone with myself at all. I get super bored. My boredom tolerance is zero.

What/who am I grateful for today?
Family. Saw many of them today. And my general health. I was exposed to others with very poor health today and it made me realise how lucky I am and how much I shouldn't take it for granted.

Hows my general self-care needs? Sleep, nutrition, hydration and exercise?
Sleep is poor, nutrition is enough to surviveo on but not good, hydration is consciously better and exercise is good in terms of walking and going up steps.

Did I pursue my purpose in any way?
With NVC yes and I've been exploring nonduality and trying to keep a list of the implications of that understanding as a reminder to myself.

Lessons from resources? Regurgitate everything you currently know off the top of your head if you feel like it…
We still need to evaluate people. We just need to keep them separate from observations. Saying things like you're too sensitive is a judgement not an observation. It's our diagnosis. Even if it's acurate it still has the potential to be wrong. Human rights are important to remember when you're a fawn type because often you sacrfice many of them for others.

Lessons going ahead? What do I need to do different? What's the plan?
Blockers and keep doing what I'm doing but start doing more.

What do I still need to gently practice being more accepting of?

What are some needs of mine that went unmet today? Doesn't have to be all of them.
Self compassion after some social interactions. Purpose in terms of me not pursuing it as much as I'd like. Effectiveness. Recognition in some ways. I mask a lot and people who know the old me don't really listen to me speak. Nutrition. True relaxation.

Do you forgive yourself? For specific things? For today? For these behaviours etc?

Anything else on my mind?

I'm proud of myself.
The needs I am using porn as a strategy to attempt to meet:
  1. Acceptance
  2. Affection
  3. Appreciation
  4. Authenticity
  5. Autonomy
  6. Awareness (self/other)
  7. Beauty
  8. Belonging
  9. Calm
  10. Care
  11. Closeness
  12. Communion
  13. Compassion
  14. Challenge
  15. Comfort
  16. Community
  17. Competence
  18. Connection
  19. Creativity
  20. Curiosity
  21. Determination
  22. Ease
  23. Effectiveness
  24. Efficacy
  25. Emotional balance
  26. Emotional regulation
  27. Empathy
  28. Empowerment
  29. Enjoyment
  30. Esteem
  31. Exploration
  32. Expression
  33. Freedom
  34. Friendship
  35. Growth
  36. Healing
  37. Health
  38. Identity
  39. Inclusion
  40. Initmacy
  41. Joy
  42. Knowledge
  43. Learning
  44. Meaning
  45. Peace
  46. Play, Playfulness
  47. Physical wellbeing
  48. Power
  49. Preservation
  50. Privacy
  51. Protection
  52. Purpose
  53. Recognition
  54. Regulation
  55. Relief from pain, stress or anxiety
  56. Respect
  57. Rest/Sleep
  58. Safety
  59. Security
  60. Sexual connection
  61. Stability
  62. Stimulation
  63. Stress relief
  64. Support
  65. Transcendence
  66. Trust
  67. Understanding
  68. Worth
  69. Validation
  70. Variety
  71. Vitality
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