CPTSD focus

No question prompts today. I've been binging like crazy. I only really thought to come here because of how intense this has been. This issue, I've had it so long and when I say I've tried everything it isn't one of those cases where the person doesn't truly mean it or is ignorant to anything. I truly have tried everything. The issue is how severe my executive dysfunction is and how, even though I've worked out the root issues, how difficilut they are to address with the executive dysfunction and addicitons still interferring. So it's the same old story for me right now. One I'm very familiar with.

Work is my main source of stress right now. I've reduced hours to have a break from the toxicity but this has left me poor. I'm in a lot of debt too. I am starting back full time soon but this has generated a lot of stress also. I don't have enough free time to work on what I need to and enough execuive function to work on it when I do. I also have no time at all and the situation is even worse when I'm at work.

And then there are genuinely so many priorities fighting for my attention. It's so frustrating.
 
I had ADHD paralysis all day. I had things I wanted to do but ended up doing nothing on my bed. I don't wanna admit to myself that I'm expecting too much of myself either. I remember starting this journal knowing I needed to switch the focus to healing from the root traumas driving my addiction, which I knew would be complicate, but as I've done it, I've also uncovered more and more complexity in my past. If anything, it does explain why it's been so hard to quit all these years. I also am still on reduced hours at work and haven't been able to take care of myself as well as I used to. I haven't been sleeping well. Once I have money again, I'll have better health. I'm still in the 40 percent success rate range overall which I think is still just my baseline when I'm doing the bare minimum. 40 percent of the week clean is still something too. I can't afford to focus on the negatives. That's why I track stats. I need every little bit of motivation and every tiny milestone to reach I can think of. Abstinence is not recovery though and I'm fully aware of that.

What I really want next is to cross the 50% threshold which would mean I'm more scucessful than not overall. That would mean a lot to me consdering how hard I find rescovery and how severe my addiction has been. I also need to remind myself it would be in the 20s or lower if I wasn't trying.

One thing I managed to do today was to reflect on the behaviours of some of my toxic workmates. I have a list of them and how I'm gonna work on dealing with them, in them and in myself. It's helping and it's just something to help with my awareness. The more I understand things, where they come from and what they are, the more self-validated and equipped I feel.

After reading some of Scott Kiloby's book on natural rest, I've decided to also prioritise mindfulness, meditation and nonduality in my life even more again. It's very important to me and as the book reminded me, addiciton is about craving for any state except the one you're in right now which is all there ever is. It's cliche these days but true. People know it but don't realise just how much skill it takes to rest in that state. I know having a sense of purpose is important in recovery and I also need a lot of rest as a highly sensitive individual.
 
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I have been trying to apply mindful priniciples and just be with my boredom and discomfort. The discomfort is intense. I'm trying to remember that life without porn will feel, for a long time, very empty and unrewarding. I will have little interest in anything but escapism. I'm still reading resources. At the moment it's Havard Mela's book on porn. That's my main focus right now. I've managed to start the week clean, let's see if I can sustain it.
 
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Androg

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It will only feel empty until you get through recovery. Think of it as going through The Void on a quest. :cool:
 
Binged today. I have this issue:

The executive dysfunction from porn use makes me never know what to do. My high standards conflict with my high need for free time. I don't wanna be in my room but also do. I want to sort my life out on the computer but also don't go out and live it. There's nowhere to go. I don't have anything purposeful to do, but I also do and have no ability to initiate it. It's all in conflict.
 
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I have looked into 12 step groups for some time, done deep dives on YouTube and found there is more harm than good going to these groups in person. However, I've realised that the transcendent origins of it don't have to be framed in Christian ways. I know people like Maslow believed in transcendent experiences. There may even be a lot of science to it. All I know is that: Addiction and transcendence feeling far apart is wrong. I'm searching for my true nature. Addiction is an attempt to seek outside for what's right here, right now. So I used ChatGPT and the website called 12 wisdom steps to create my own versions of the 12 steps to work on, on my own. This includes the ones from Russel Brand's book. I am using the eastern wisdom ones too. I need a structure to follow, something I can tangibly work on and measure myself along and this is gonna be it for now. I don't wanna go to those groups but I don't wanna miss out on the positive aspects of 12 strep content either. It's helped some people before, but I don't trust the in person groups as I said.

I've been meditating consistently too. I have a lot of trauma stuff come up during that and I've been integrating it in succesfully. It's making a difference already. I'm following the system in the book the mind illuminated.
 
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Androg

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I suggest you find some other type of in person support. It doesn’t have to be addiction related, but connection with other human beings is very soothing to the subconscious parts of our nature. It will help with the addiction. Working those steps you found will also help.
 
Agreed. I want to join more Buddhist groups again. This is part of me getting back into the spiritual side of things again. Thanks :)
 
Sadly after writing this I had a slip in bed so this post took place prior to that and is no longer accurate.

Success rates are going up. I've never had a great streak but I've stuck at things longer than I have before and that's saying something.

I'd like to get my rates up on doing this check in and see the correlations between that and my reboot success. I think tracking the weeks and ten day marks is good too because it gives me constant new chances. And I have a smaller achieveable goal to work on.

I realise recovery is not abstinence and my original intention was to focus on CPTSD stuff. I am, it's just taking a lot of time for me. But for me, getting back into meditation and doing somatic trauma release stuff as part of that, it's a really good start for me.
 
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I still edge a lot and when I know there may be sexual content somewhere like a book, I still go fishing for it. Otherwise no major setbacks today.
 
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I have looked into 12 step groups for some time, done deep dives on YouTube and found there is more harm than good going to these groups in person. However, I've realised that the transcendent origins of it don't have to be framed in Christian ways. I know people like Maslow believed in transcendent experiences. There may even be a lot of science to it. All I know is that: Addiction and transcendence feeling far apart is wrong. I'm searching for my true nature. Addiction is an attempt to seek outside for what's right here, right now. So I used ChatGPT and the website called 12 wisdom steps to create my own versions of the 12 steps to work on, on my own. This includes the ones from Russel Brand's book. I am using the eastern wisdom ones too. I need a structure to follow, something I can tangibly work on and measure myself along and this is gonna be it for now. I don't wanna go to those groups but I don't wanna miss out on the positive aspects of 12 strep content either. It's helped some people before, but I don't trust the in person groups as I said.

I've been meditating consistently too. I have a lot of trauma stuff come up during that and I've been integrating it in succesfully. It's making a difference already. I'm following the system in the book the mind illuminated.
The 12-step groups are not scientific in any way. Their practices are based on anecdotes and what efficacy they have is, in my opinion, coincidental. If you are able to make connections through the group than would be beneficial but that is heavily dependent on your personality and who regularly attends your group meetings. I have tried to make it work several times but have not been able to get much out of it. I have a really hard time finding people I can be comfortable with, so the whole experience ends up being more stressful than it's worth. I also have some ideological conflicts with the organisations and moral objections to how they represent themselves and how they became so well regarded in the area of addiction recovery.

There is no substantial evidence to back up the 12-step methodology. As an alternative you could try SMART recovery. https://www.smartrecovery.org They have a whole set of tools and exercises that are based on psychological research. They have group meetings and a forum as well Although the SMART programme isn't specific to sexual addiction they have a sexual maladaptive behaviour (SMB) section of the forum and SMB centric meetings. The forum doesn't seem to be very active though, so I don't know how much you will get out of that part.
 
I need to be clearer, I know they aren't scientific however I'm interested in nonduality and transcendent experiences. I'm also interested in structured paths. So while I will not be joining a 12 step group, I've made my own versions of the 12 steps as a extra bit of spiritual guidance in my solo work. I'm into secular buddhism as well. But you have reinforced my own views even further on not going to the groups so thank you. I've looked into SMART as well. It looks good. I basically apply everything I find but make it my own. That way, I can get any of the benefits that do still exist, but in my own way. I never settle into just one system or idea. I take the best of all of them and find what works.


I strongly believe in the possibility of transcendent experiences as a result of ethically grounded mindfulness, trauma release and traditional spiritual paths. Maslow thought the same. I think many religious figures have experienced it too. I think the religions just get bogged down in their cultural baggage and mythology but are still valuable. Not Christianity though. Sorry Christians but there are just too many flaws there for my liking. Wether they are a result of realising our true nature or something that happens in the brain, I'm agnostic about but lean towards the traditional explanations. I think at a higher fundamental level they are ultimately the same anyway.
 
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This issue and my trauma has led to issues with work that may compromise my current role. I need to take this seriously. Been getting more into trauma release stuff and meditation and have signed back up for a meditation group. I am also considering a reward system for my efforts.
 
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