(log completion incl. skip days)
(% of average)
I had ADHD paralysis all day. I had things I wanted to do but ended up doing nothing on my bed. I don't wanna admit to myself that I'm expecting too much of myself either. I remember starting this journal knowing I needed to switch the focus to healing from the root traumas driving my addiction, which I knew would be complicate, but as I've done it, I've also uncovered more and more complexity in my past. If anything, it does explain why it's been so hard to quit all these years. I also am still on reduced hours at work and haven't been able to take care of myself as well as I used to. I haven't been sleeping well. Once I have money again, I'll have better health. I'm still in the 40 percent success rate range overall which I think is still just my baseline when I'm doing the bare minimum. 40 percent of the week clean is still something too. I can't afford to focus on the negatives. That's why I track stats. I need every little bit of motivation and every tiny milestone to reach I can think of. Abstinence is not recovery though and I'm fully aware of that.
What I really want next is to cross the 50% threshold which would mean I'm more scucessful than not overall. That would mean a lot to me consdering how hard I find rescovery and how severe my addiction has been. I also need to remind myself it would be in the 20s or lower if I wasn't trying.
One thing I managed to do today was to reflect on the behaviours of some of my toxic workmates. I have a list of them and how I'm gonna work on dealing with them, in them and in myself. It's helping and it's just something to help with my awareness. The more I understand things, where they come from and what they are, the more self-validated and equipped I feel.
After reading some of Scott Kiloby's book on natural rest, I've decided to also prioritise mindfulness, meditation and nonduality in my life even more again. It's very important to me and as the book reminded me, addiciton is about craving for any state except the one you're in right now which is all there ever is. It's cliche these days but true. People know it but don't realise just how much skill it takes to rest in that state. I know having a sense of purpose is important in recovery and I also need a lot of rest as a highly sensitive individual.