200 Days Clean and Counting

[equinox-ps]

The purpose of this thread is a document of my experience for the past 200 days (and beyond as time goes by), which is the amount of time that has passed since my wife discovered I was using again. Much emphasis will be placed on the relational healing (or lack thereof), because I feel that's been the hardest part of this journey so far. I hope the information can be helpful for others in some way. It would also be great to have some people to talk to in this thread for support.

Some quick background info. I'm in my early 30's and began watching porn in my early teens, about 20 years ago. There were times when I would watch it multiple times per day, and times when I would go many months without watching it. When I say porn, I'm encompassing any form of masturbation that involved any form of screen stimulation (could be a porn site, social media, whatever). Though the use varied, it has been there to some degree for most of my life.

Unsurprisingly, I have had sexual dysfunction issues with partners throughout this time (PE, DE, ED, PA, you name it). Although it's unsurprising now, It took me years to recognize that porn was actually the root of my sexual dysfunction issues. I was also acutely unaware of the risks that were involved with porn use when I started. I don't think I realized how damaging it was until I was already a good 15 years into my addiction.

My wife originally discovered my addiction 6 years ago after becoming fed up with problems in our sex life. I told her I was watching porn frequently and that's when I made my first attempt to abstain. Ultimately, this failed for a variety of reasons. I really just wasn't invested in the change at the time and I still had no idea how difficult it would be to work through the addiction (I don't even think I thought of it as an addiction at that point). Old habits crept back in over time and all of the old problems persisted.

Fast forward to the summer of 2022. My wife catches me getting ready to act out while we're out of town on a trip together. I've lied to her for years about my alleged abstinence so I've completely broken her heart, shattered trust and potentially broken up my family. That immediate period of time after the second discovery was without a doubt the worst period of time in my life. I completely broke my wife and thought I was going to lose my family more days than not.

I'm proud to report that I've now made it 200 days clean, no porn or masturbation which is a big milestone in my recovery. I'm seeing a sex addiction therapist and second general therapist to help work through separate root issues. I've built a home gym and have been getting back in shape. I've been trying to practice daily mindfulness and take inventory of my emotions, especially stress which has been a trigger for PMO in the past. I've also recently rekindled a relationship with my estranged parents, whom I hadn't seen for 3 years until recently.

There has been a lot of personal progress that I'm proud of, but the recovery of marriage isn't doing as well. We have had an incredibly difficult time making much progress in our healing. There has been some and I'd say we're certainly in a better spot than we were surrounding d-day, but the trajectory just isn't promising. There have been a few days where my wife has actually phoned up a lawyer to initiate divorce filings. There have been days where she has throw things at me, screamed, cried and everything in between. There have also been days where she tells me she loves me and wants to work through this (especially for the sake of our son)

I do a lot of research and work surrounding betrayal trauma so I am aware that volatility is par for the course here. In any case, the day to day is incredibly difficult for both of us. Intimacy is also lacking between us and has been a bigger problem lately. I know how important it is for us to have intimacy. I'm not speaking specifically of sex, although I think that's important to figure out too. I would like for us to be closer and make efforts to build safety for her, just not doing well at it lately I suppose.

I'm at a point now where I don't know what else to say or do to get her to stay. I have many intense moments of grief when I think of my family disbanding, breaking up my son's home because of what I did. My wife knows I'm doing well in recovery, but it just isn't enough and it seems irreparable damage has been done. More than anything, I want one more shot at redemption but I'm aware she doesn't owe me that. I love her very much and hope we work out, but right now my confidence is pretty low.

I'll try to update this thread as regularly as I can. If nothing else, this has been therapeutic putting it all down on the page. Thanks for listening.

 

[Androg]

Sorry for what you're still dealing with. Congratulations, though, on your personal progress. Many addicts have to "hit the wall" before they can find the motivation to change. Be kind to yourself. It's a sneaky disorder to overcome. Have you ever heard of "bonding behaviors?" Maybe you could employ some of the tactics this guy talks about outside the bedroom. Human bonding thrives on daily affection, not necessarily hot and heavy sex.

 

[TakeActionNow]

I applaud your strength and determination to correct and improve yourself.
I too was at the brink of divorce.
I can only suggest these 2 concepts that worked for me

Caveat: this should be applicable for a good and reasonable woman. If she has other effects (affair, abuse, betrayal, beliefs etc) other tools may be more practical. You have to know her root concerns.

1. The nature of women.
2. trust and honesty

I wrote recently about the nature of women, which is dependency. They are the burdened sex (uterus and child rearing), physically and psychologically, and instinctively seek others to help them share this burden.
Dependency is coded into their psyche and genes.
Their greatest anguish is when their dependent partner is not dependable.
The foundation of all dependency is trust, honesty and belief
If one cannot trust or believe another, everything they receive will be seen as unreliable, unsustainable, undependable.

Now, you have to think and act very deeply about this topic because it is very broad.

And you have to be very dedicated.

What saved mine was
1. My wife is reasonable and a good woman
2. I did it to preserve the marriage for the wellbeing and access to my child. It has been my full belief that children growing up in single families are severely disadvantaged and damaged.
3. I focused to be the man of the family.
I focused on being the pole that holds up the tentage. I asked nothing from her and did everything I could.
I became the nature of men: independent and deliver.

What were some of the things I did to show that I've changed.
1. I took very serious attention to hear what matters to her and did them. I was responsible.
2. I made it clear that I attend to my child attentively and seriously. I was dependable.
3. I considered deeply before speaking or acting. I was considerate.
4. I became serious. I changed. I man up.

Dependency is not about flowers and gifts, sweet talk and jokes.
It is about keeping our word.
It is about being on time
It's about doing what we should.
It is about reliability

A good woman responsible for her child will automatically want a home conducive for the child.
After 9.months within her, a child is an extension of her, but with very different needs.
Constant disagreements with her partner will make her want to force her partner out, even though the father is very important for the child. They are usually stressed and tired and have little left for the man. The husband once parenting starts is a obliged working partner, not another child to be taken cared of.
A good woman is usually not unreasonable. It is that their reason is different from men's, and we often do not understand or recognize them.

Don't look at the surface.
Think deeper.
Appreciate her psychological stress.
Rise further up to the occasion.
Become her pillar.
Deliver and serve.

Bottom line: a happy wife is a happy home.

 

[equinox-ps]

Have you ever heard of "bonding behaviors?" Maybe you could employ some of the tactics this guy talks about outside the bedroom. Human bonding thrives on daily affection, not necessarily hot and heavy sex.

Thanks for the words of encouragement and your suggestions. I haven't been particularly great at speaking her love languages in the past (which seems to be the general concepts in the vid you shared), but it is something that's been a big priority for me lately. I know the little things go a long way so I do make efforts whenever I can. The problem lately is that she is totally unwilling to receive any level of affection or interaction with me. For now, I'm just trying to listen to her and offer support in any way I can, although it's being rejected. I hope momentum shifts positively for us again soon.

 

[equinox-ps]

What saved mine was
1. My wife is reasonable and a good woman
2. I did it to preserve the marriage for the wellbeing and access to my child. It has been my full belief that children growing up in single families are severely disadvantaged and damaged.
3. I focused to be the man of the family.
I focused on being the pole that holds up the tentage. I asked nothing from her and did everything I could.
I became the nature of men: independent and deliver.

What were some of the things I did to show that I've changed.
1. I took very serious attention to hear what matters to her and did them. I was responsible.
2. I made it clear that I attend to my child attentively and seriously. I was dependable.
3. I considered deeply before speaking or acting. I was considerate.
4. I became serious. I changed. I man up.

Thank you very much for sharing your experience and suggestions with me - I'm glad to hear things worked out for you and your life has moved in a positive direction. That gives me some degree of hope in a time when there's virtually none.

Like yours, I think my wife is also a reasonable and good woman most of the time. We also both wholeheartedly agree that our child is much better off having the family together. Our son is actually the only reason why she's still in the marriage at all (her words). I'm

Right now, things are so incredibly volatile and I truly believe that she hates me. She literally tells me this multiple times per day and it's further reinforced by the way she looks at and otherwise interacts with me. I'm doing what I can to support her, continue moving forward in my own recovery and trying to maintain a happy home environment for my child.

There have been too many momentum shifts to count in the past 7 months, so I'm hopeful that things will swing positively again so I have the opportunity to start implementing some of the suggestions you've given me and see some degree of effectiveness. I understand she's looking for safety and dependability and I hope she becomes open to believing I'm capable of offering those things to her again.

 

[BabySteps]

Hey Equinox, congrats on your progress buddy!
Things will workout.

 

[equinox-ps]

It's been about a week and a half and I'm glad to say that things have improved between my wife and I. Less fighting, more intimacy, sleeping in the same bed again. Our relationship has been an absolute rollercoaster for the past 7 months. I try to step back and look at overall trajectory, and I think there's been improvement overall as well.

We had a great weekend together. Spent time with our son together, hung out with friends for some kid free time and then finished the weekend off with a bath together last night. It was all good bonding and I'm hopeful that moments like these will make it worthwhile for her to choose to stay in the long run.

We had sex a number of times since my last entry and it's gone well each time, which still feels weird for me. I was so accustomed to sex being a super anxiety inducing experience which almost always resulted in some sort of failure on my end. I feel like I'm really starting to see my sexual performance, libido and the like return to normal for the first time in decades.

 

[Androg]

So happy for all of you.