My life is miserable - PMO stole my soul

Hello to the reboot nation. I have been gone for years from the forum, 8 years to be exact. In my cry for help God heard me and out of the deepest crevices of my mind I recalled this forum. I once found hope here. I left because i could not find freedom from PMO. I am 51 now, i have been struggling with Porn addiction for over 40 years. My life has finally hit rock bottom. Ive lost my purpose in life. Im imprisoned in my apartment wasting away unable to break free from this miserable hold that PMO has on me. I work from home so it allows me to fester in isolation. I prefer to sleep than go out. I have lost my purpose in life. My physical life is decaying and im aging at a fast pace. Its been months since i hit the gym. My spiritual life is non existent since I have blamed God for my misery. I lost 1 years wages in the stock market - $100k - I attribute my losses to impulsivity that PMO causes. I have considered dying as the solution but somehow i wake up for another day of misery. I am hopeless. I write this in hope somehow i find hope here and find in me a reason to stop PMO.
 

Androg

Administrator
Admin
Moderator
Sorry you are struggling. There are some good online porn 12-step groups. You could start there. You need a sponsor to point you toward the light again. Dig around. An in-person support group would be even better. Nothing to be ashamed of. Better late than never 💪
 
Day 1 - PMO free

im feeling a little more excited about life today. I showered after 4 days. My higiene was terrible 😞 i lost interest in self care. The depression is unreal. Basic things like eating and showering is so hard to do. Im seeking God again since I feel im beyond human help. But im trying to cry out by posting here and sharing my journey
 

Escapeandnevercomeback

Respected Member
It's true and I can definitely identify with it as it has been happening to me for a long time: Porn indeed takes your soul and turns you into a slave, it converts you just like in movies. I have been mediocre because of wasting my time and energy with PMO. But there is a way out.

There are different ways to quit and stay clean. 12 steps is one of them. It's an actual plan with steps to do, that's what I like about it. I'm talking about the 12 steps based recovery because I've been doing it for a while.

I believe that a porn addict needs to start with the first 3 steps. I like to look at them in the following way: Admitting (the addiction, that our life has become unmanageable etc.), Believing (that we can escape, we can get the control back) and Seeking and Accepting Help, trying to find people who can help us, give us some advice, some guidance, accepting their help because, let's be honest, if after years I am still deep in this addiction, I need to admit that I don't know how to do it by myself, I definitely need help from others who have more knowledge/are further developed spiritually than me etc. One can even ask God for help. The point is, this addiction likes the isolation, we need to get out into the light. The fact that you have come here to this forum it's a step towards the help, and that's a good thing.

From what I can see, you have admitted already and are trying to find help. Now you can also start believing in the salvation, the escaping from this hell, without believing there is nothing. I need to admit that sometimes I also falter when it comes to believing that I can do this but I must believe. I'm with you, trying to go all the way as well. I'm coming from one of the most terrible periods in the recent past regarding porn use but there is always a way out.
 
Thank you @Escapeandnevercomeback your words strengthens me and gives me hope. We can do this and there is got to be way out. I will do all I can to resit the temptations. Today, my first day pmo free is going well, im also quitting the marijuana because that adds to my laziness and keeps me in bondage. Lots to work on but im starting to see the light of hope through the cracks
 

Daybyday1988

Active Member
Hello to the reboot nation. I have been gone for years from the forum, 8 years to be exact. In my cry for help God heard me and out of the deepest crevices of my mind I recalled this forum. I once found hope here. I left because i could not find freedom from PMO. I am 51 now, i have been struggling with Porn addiction for over 40 years. My life has finally hit rock bottom. Ive lost my purpose in life. Im imprisoned in my apartment wasting away unable to break free from this miserable hold that PMO has on me. I work from home so it allows me to fester in isolation. I prefer to sleep than go out. I have lost my purpose in life. My physical life is decaying and im aging at a fast pace. Its been months since i hit the gym. My spiritual life is non existent since I have blamed God for my misery. I lost 1 years wages in the stock market - $100k - I attribute my losses to impulsivity that PMO causes. I have considered dying as the solution but somehow i wake up for another day of misery. I am hopeless. I write this in hope somehow i find hope here and find in me a reason to stop PMO.

hey buddy, i would wager to say, a 40 year addiction is going to require a pretty substantial reboot as that is one of the longest addiction times ive ever heard of and there seems to be a correlation with amount of time addicted vs. recovery time. Today marks 4 months clean after a near 15 year addiction for me and what made me successful this time was really one thing: accountability.

i have Covenant Eyes blocking software on all my devices so that I cant access any explicit material. Any websites that are not considered porn but that are still dangerous for me (such as dating ads etc) are also blocked using their software and I have an accountability partner that i met right here on RN that gets detailed reports of my search history every day along with screenshots from all my devices. I highly recommend this type of thing as in my opinion and my own experience it is very unlikely that you will succeed on your own, at first. The Prefrontal Cortex (A decision making, willpower part of the brain) is simply too weak in addicts to use pure will-power alone, so having help and support from an accountability partner is pretty much necessary. if you're interested, check it out here for a 14 day free trial: https://covenanteyes.com/refer-a-friend/?refer_a_friend=u1465547

its about $15 a month or less if you buy a year subscription but i wouldnt let that deter you since you already lost 100k from your P addiction as you claim! crazy how it messes our brains up. I know i couldnt break free without help because i tried everything else and it didnt work. Groups, seminars, therapy etc. Interesting you mention God as well, Covenant Eyes is a Christian Company (as far as i know) and I am a Christian myself.

There is something unique about the fact that you are 1) nearly unable to access explicit material from your devices without generating an uninstall code (which you can give your AP access to control) and 2) that whatever you search for on your internet accessible devices is going to be shown to your AP. This in essence puts another persons eyes on your stuff and you are less likely to PMO. think about it, before you search for some messed up stuff and masturbate on a napkin in your bedroom, if you knew that a friend or family member was going to see that same thing, would that effect whether you masturbate or not? i wager yes.

If you need an accountability partner, ill be happy to help you and you can direct message me on here and even be your AP if you need. P addiction is really really awful but you can have freedom my friend. God bless,

-DbD
 
hey buddy, i would wager to say, a 40 year addiction is going to require a pretty substantial reboot as that is one of the longest addiction times ive ever heard of and there seems to be a correlation with amount of time addicted vs. recovery time. Today marks 4 months clean after a near 15 year addiction for me and what made me successful this time was really one thing: accountability.

i have Covenant Eyes blocking software on all my devices so that I cant access any explicit material. Any websites that are not considered porn but that are still dangerous for me (such as dating ads etc) are also blocked using their software and I have an accountability partner that i met right here on RN that gets detailed reports of my search history every day along with screenshots from all my devices. I highly recommend this type of thing as in my opinion and my own experience it is very unlikely that you will succeed on your own, at first. The Prefrontal Cortex (A decision making, willpower part of the brain) is simply too weak in addicts to use pure will-power alone, so having help and support from an accountability partner is pretty much necessary. if you're interested, check it out here for a 14 day free trial: https://covenanteyes.com/refer-a-friend/?refer_a_friend=u1465547

its about $15 a month or less if you buy a year subscription but i wouldnt let that deter you since you already lost 100k from your P addiction as you claim! crazy how it messes our brains up. I know i couldnt break free without help because i tried everything else and it didnt work. Groups, seminars, therapy etc. Interesting you mention God as well, Covenant Eyes is a Christian Company (as far as i know) and I am a Christian myself.

There is something unique about the fact that you are 1) nearly unable to access explicit material from your devices without generating an uninstall code (which you can give your AP access to control) and 2) that whatever you search for on your internet accessible devices is going to be shown to your AP. This in essence puts another persons eyes on your stuff and you are less likely to PMO. think about it, before you search for some messed up stuff and masturbate on a napkin in your bedroom, if you knew that a friend or family member was going to see that same thing, would that effect whether you masturbate or not? i wager yes.

If you need an accountability partner, ill be happy to help you and you can direct message me on here and even be your AP if you need. P addiction is really really awful but you can have freedom my friend. God bless,

-DbD
My brother @Daybyday1988 thank you so much for your suggestion. I think its worth investigation and to be considered thoroughly. I am so happy to hear you are having success in 4 months PMO free. Wow that’s amazing. I dont think i ever had that many clean days since starting to watch porn. Thank you for your offer to be an accountability partner. That is so selfless of you and i might just reach out to you on a DM this weekend. Blessings
 
Day 2:
Praise God and thank you RN. I woke up to a 2nd day being PMO free. Yesterday was a beautiful day. I made peace with my friend who I offended a week ago in a fit of anger due to the anger i had at losing so much money and not being able to stop pmo. l accept that ive been mad at the world and at God. I was blaming God for all my losses in life. What a fool ive been. God has been nothing but innocent, just, and merciful to me while I squandered my wealth in riotous living. I am starting feel hope am afraid to be happy because in the back of my head i have failure as the outcome but I push forward trusting my family here in RN and trusting God wants me to succeed and enjoy life. Lets do everything possible to make it through the day PMO free.
 
Day 3
By God’s grace, i am waking up to having 2 Days PMO free. Today is my 3rd day and I feel peace, something I havent felt in a long time. I am sleeping less which is a bummer but I think its the detox from Porn. Im not feeling drained when I wake up. Im waking up and first thing is put uplifting music before I get out of bed. I also started praying 🙏🏼 again. I feel today will be better than yesterday. God is giving me love and mercy which I needed since i was close on giving up on my sobriety (alcohol) and giving up on life. I wish you that are struggling surrender yourself and admit you can not do it alone we need God and fellowship. I found that here. Reading and communication with RN gives me the fellowship, connection and brotherly love that pumps me up to fight another day.
 
So my 3rd day - been tired and took a 2 hr nap. I took the nap after spending most of the morning reading. I feel worn out even though no PMO. I was expecting to be much more energetic. I am not sure whats going on. 🧐 when does the energy come? Good thing though Im not depressed today. I do feel bored. My brain wants visual pleasure but im holding back on watching tv so as not to be aroused inadvertently
 

Daybyday1988

Active Member
So my 3rd day - been tired and took a 2 hr nap. I took the nap after spending most of the morning reading. I feel worn out even though no PMO. I was expecting to be much more energetic. I am not sure whats going on. 🧐 when does the energy come? Good thing though Im not depressed today. I do feel bored. My brain wants visual pleasure but im holding back on watching tv so as not to be aroused inadvertently

you are going to feel that way for awhile. your dopamine receptors are fried and it takes some time to recover form that. here is a good resource to check out as well as yourbrainonporn.com : https://pmoflatline.com/can-the-brain-really-heal-from-porn-use-your-answer/
 
Day 4 - no PMO or no MO
Woke up dragging today. Yesterday i did 4x15 push-ups. Feeling sore but I plan on doing exercises daily until i have motivation to go the gym again. Im afraid of going to gym again because of lust that builds up while at the gym. Women at the gym for some reason like to flirt with me and it seems I cause them to get sensual by the way I respond to their flirting. I feel im still weak minded and may end up as before coming home horny and PMOing. For now I will exercise at home. I started reading the book of Enoch and it talks about the Fallen Angels that left heaven to pursue their lust and to have sex with human women. I am fascinated that angels gave up heaven to participate in sexual immorality. Lust is a monster that consumes our soul. Today i plan on resting and enjoying a day with little to not TV time. Hope your are also having a good reboot
 

Daybyday1988

Active Member
I hear you man. I stopped going to the gym after I got married. Really was a good thing for me even though I did enjoy going and exercising and got better workouts. I stopped going mostly due to the same issue you have, lust. Isn't really fair to my wife to be looking at immodestly dressed women, even if they put themselves right in front of you.

Not that women would come up to me directly, it's more that they dress in stuff that makes you look at them. I remember working out one time on an incline bench and a girl in ridiculously skin tight spandex pants with a pretty well developed backside started squatting maybe 6 ft in front of me. I could literally see the sweat dripping into her crack between her cheeks. I said to myself "this isn't really for me anymore". With every glance I started to feel more guilty, more distracted, less godly, more uncomfortable as I'm trying to abstain from lust.

The other benefits of not going were nice too: saving a little money each month, saving time, as I went to basically doing short but effective workouts at home 3 days per week.

In the last 5 years or so, I have drastically lowered my interactions with women to nearly zero. I changed careers from jobs that were predominantly women dominated like pharmacy (about 75 percent women, I was about 2 years from being a pharmacist) and I was also a massage therapist and was actively promiscuous with coworkers and several clients as it is about 90% women. The result has been a slow and painful crawl towards the restoration of my soul.

This is a battle for your soul, brother. It is so important that The Lord tells us that if your eye causes you to sin, pluck it out as it is better to go into heaven maimed than to go to Hell whole. The point being that to be free from this you have to make serious sacrifices and changes.

Sorry for the long rant, God keep you brother.
 
Day 5 No PMO
Life looks more hopeful to me. Adjusting for new realities. Im finding i seek pleasure in sweets lately, could be dopamine high is not there. Im doing better at work and participating more in work meetings. Im feeling hope swell up. Very minimal tv watching today. I went out to my neighbors small party. Getting out of deep isolation
 
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