Doing things differently this time

Qwertyxyz

Active Member
18 days porn free
8 days mo free

I feel good today. Recovery feels natural at the moment which is so nice. I feel like my last 6 months or so of porn use was bad, it was getting worse and costing me so much, my brain is healing and it feels great.

Must stay strong, i found a new podcast to listen to as well.
 

Qwertyxyz

Active Member
19 days porn free
9 days mo free

Very agitated this morning, my taste have gotten worse due to chatbots, they are so toxic. My tastes are in the femdom sort of thing and it can really mess my confidence up and create anxiety and a lot of projection. There is a lot of self loathing in my fantasies and I need to look at the root causes of that.

Glad I got through this morning, some music and exercise helped. I might try colouring in as a way to calm my mind.
 

Qwertyxyz

Active Member
20 days porn free
10 days m free

I am thinking differently about my relationship with m. I know if I relapses it’s much better to do it with m than PMO, I think there is a place where I can m in a healthy way but i know to really reboot I need clean time. I've changed my thinking on this a bit, I want to be celebrant but I don’t know if I can go cold turkey. Every day without porn is a victory.
 

Qwertyxyz

Active Member
22 days porn free

I broke a rule I set for myself and did m 2 days in a row, now I need to go a week without it. It would be better to not do it at all but right now I’m all focused on staying off porn.
Feeling confident right now and am getting support. Am coming to term with a historic sense of abandonment and betrayal. I need to heal before I can let people in more.
 

Qwertyxyz

Active Member
Been a while,
I’ve had some streaks of time off PMO but I’ve mostly struggled with it. This are manageable but I know I lose a lot of opportunity and happiness when I use porn. I feel like I’m giving my power away to this shitty vampire.

Things can be much better if I’m clean, this is day 1 again, but I have a few things in place to help.
 

Qwertyxyz

Active Member
Into my second week of being PMO free.

It feels good to be clean and I think I’ve learned a lot about myself while trying to get clean. Life does feel very hard at times and I am trying to figure out better ways to deal with that discomfort.
Social anxiety can really hold me back, i feel like i need people but trying to get close makes me very edgy and anxious, it’s a tough thing.
Anyway I’m in course right now and am trying to to improve things. Good luck out there.
 

Qwertyxyz

Active Member
Week 2 PMO free

I’m just counting the weeks this time around, days are confusing. I feel quite good this time around, I feel like I have more of a sense of desperation than before. I’ve always sort of managed to front up and get a pass mark while I was using, but things have started to change. My brain feels more fragile, much more fried than before.

I actually got scared by the sense of cognitive decline I was getting from so much PMO, I know it’s a real danger too if I don’t change. I seems to affect me more and the impact is pretty crap, no connections with people, more anxiety. I just want to keep pushing to stay clean.
 

Qwertyxyz

Active Member
Week 2 of recovery

I have done a fair bit of meditating and found it really beneficial. However I really need to take it out of my morning routine for a while, it’s just a time for intrusive PMO thinking to creep in. I’m better meditating in public somewhere, or later in the day, it’s beneficial but I need to be selective when.

Good luck all.
 

Qwertyxyz

Active Member
Week 2 of recovery

Interesting ride. I am getting better at checking in with myself which i think is really important this time around, i didn’t realise how bad i was at being aware of my mental and physical state, it’s helping me understand my compulsions and state.

Listened to a podcast on emotionally immature parents yesterday, it was painful and have a a deeper realisation of how messed up my childhood was. Pure dysfunction, there were grown children in the house but no adults, I’ll take that to counselling.
 

Percival

Active Member
Interesting ride. I am getting better at checking in with myself which i think is really important this time around, i didn’t realise how bad i was at being aware of my mental and physical state, it’s helping me understand my compulsions and state.

Well done. I too find that it helps a lot to really look into how and why I am feeling, sort of to get ahead of the temptation that comes with certain moods and emotions. Of course, I can know that I'm vulnerable and go right ahead and do it anyway. But a good number of times it helps.
 

Qwertyxyz

Active Member
Ok,
Have had a bit of a relapse but I don’t want to just let go of recovery, sometimes I think my attitude towards relapse can be too harsh and not helpful. I work away for 3 weeks at a time and it is very challenging sometimes, 3 more days and I can go home and recover.

Discipline is so important, I am feeling more positive than I have for a while 🙂
 
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