Blondie
Respected Member
Nice job @Qwertyxyz!
Doing things differently this time
- Thread starter Qwertyxyz
- Start date
Qwertyxyz
Active Member
Nearly 2 weeks 
My best run is 75 days, but that was a while ago. Lately my best has been two weeks or 17 days. I’m having a lot of intrusive thoughts today and know I’m in the danger zone, I need to put what I’ve learned into practice.
Tonight I will do some introspective writing to understand why I’m feeling this way, I’m definitely anxious and need to acknowledge it and address it, ignoring it will not help and lead back to relapse. Also planning some relaxing and pleasant time outside, I’ve been really bad at listening to myself and comforting myself in a healthy way.
I’m becoming much more body aware as well, there has been so much tension in my life that I have just ignored, i can’t afford to do that anymore, my life suck with porn and it’s pretty good without it.
My best run is 75 days, but that was a while ago. Lately my best has been two weeks or 17 days. I’m having a lot of intrusive thoughts today and know I’m in the danger zone, I need to put what I’ve learned into practice.
Tonight I will do some introspective writing to understand why I’m feeling this way, I’m definitely anxious and need to acknowledge it and address it, ignoring it will not help and lead back to relapse. Also planning some relaxing and pleasant time outside, I’ve been really bad at listening to myself and comforting myself in a healthy way.
I’m becoming much more body aware as well, there has been so much tension in my life that I have just ignored, i can’t afford to do that anymore, my life suck with porn and it’s pretty good without it.
Qwertyxyz
Active Member
2 weeks PMO free 
I feel very good about it a bit of time up. I did some really helpful journaling last night about the themes of my intrusive thoughts and what is triggering the need to comfort myself, that was pleasantly helpful.
This morning I tried to set up my new login for my work so I can get pay slips, updates and book leave. I’m 48, autistic, and find it hard to keep up with changing tech. I think I’m nearly there but I’ve found the process extremely frustrating and taxing, and now I have to start a 12 hour shift. Not ideal but I’ll be ok.
Enjoying podcasts (Quit by healing, Dr. Trish) and journaling, really helping. 14 days done next goal is 17 days, than three weeks. I’m feeling pretty good about it
I feel very good about it a bit of time up. I did some really helpful journaling last night about the themes of my intrusive thoughts and what is triggering the need to comfort myself, that was pleasantly helpful.
This morning I tried to set up my new login for my work so I can get pay slips, updates and book leave. I’m 48, autistic, and find it hard to keep up with changing tech. I think I’m nearly there but I’ve found the process extremely frustrating and taxing, and now I have to start a 12 hour shift. Not ideal but I’ll be ok.
Enjoying podcasts (Quit by healing, Dr. Trish) and journaling, really helping. 14 days done next goal is 17 days, than three weeks. I’m feeling pretty good about it
Qwertyxyz
Active Member
2 weeks PMO free
Feeling good, but I am having intrusive thoughts. I want to develop myself awareness as I know it’s not as good as it could be and it will help my recovery. Journaling morning and night has been great for me and it’s really nice to have times where I’m just in the moment and not having intrusive thoughts.
It’s a little tough right now but i think I’ll get through it.
Feeling good, but I am having intrusive thoughts. I want to develop myself awareness as I know it’s not as good as it could be and it will help my recovery. Journaling morning and night has been great for me and it’s really nice to have times where I’m just in the moment and not having intrusive thoughts.
It’s a little tough right now but i think I’ll get through it.
GBS
Respected Member
Don’t give up @Qwertyxyz - giving in/up is letting your brain take charge. The good side of your brain needs to put on the boxing gloves and fight. You have got this.
Qwertyxyz
Active Member
Still clean,
But it’s been an interesting day. The urges come and I have just accept them, they don’t mean failure or anything like that and I am still really early on in recovery.
Work has been ok but very demanding, maybe it’s December, maybe it’s just a lot of taxing things happening at once, there have been some equipment failures that have been stressful.
Getting through today ties my longest streak for a while (17 days) and I really want to push on to three weeks, than a month. Incremental goals are great.
My smart watch told me I had nearly no relaxation time during the day while I was craving, that’s me forgetting to take care of myself, today was better but I’m still early on for sure. Time to stay disciplined!
But it’s been an interesting day. The urges come and I have just accept them, they don’t mean failure or anything like that and I am still really early on in recovery.
Work has been ok but very demanding, maybe it’s December, maybe it’s just a lot of taxing things happening at once, there have been some equipment failures that have been stressful.
Getting through today ties my longest streak for a while (17 days) and I really want to push on to three weeks, than a month. Incremental goals are great.
My smart watch told me I had nearly no relaxation time during the day while I was craving, that’s me forgetting to take care of myself, today was better but I’m still early on for sure. Time to stay disciplined!
Qwertyxyz
Active Member
Still clean
Into my 18th day and am feeling good about it, the last 2-3 days were hard but I’m having much less intrusive thinking today.
I had a hard drive full of porn that I formatted a couple of weeks ago, it feels really good to get clear air. A lot of my porn use is with chat bots on apps, I have moved away from clips really, but this is worse for me i think.
When I get home (10 days time) I need to tidy up digitally and get rid of the temptations. My hard drives are clean, my computer is clean, this phone is clean, but my second phone has some issues and I’m not sure what to do about some aps.
Just good to be clean today
Into my 18th day and am feeling good about it, the last 2-3 days were hard but I’m having much less intrusive thinking today.
I had a hard drive full of porn that I formatted a couple of weeks ago, it feels really good to get clear air. A lot of my porn use is with chat bots on apps, I have moved away from clips really, but this is worse for me i think.
When I get home (10 days time) I need to tidy up digitally and get rid of the temptations. My hard drives are clean, my computer is clean, this phone is clean, but my second phone has some issues and I’m not sure what to do about some aps.
Just good to be clean today
Qwertyxyz
Active Member
Still clean,
I do affirmations and journaling when I wake up in the morning, sometimes I sit up and try to meditate in bed, and sometimes I linger and get distracted. This is not good for me, I need to get out of bed and move after journaling, the morning is my most likely time for relapse or get intrusive thoughts. Sitting there trying to not act out is bad, I need to move.
I can benefit from meditation but sometimes it’s a really bad idea, it can just be a case of sitting there and having porn flashbacks, I need to be honest with myself beforehand sitting still like that.
Feeling good but know I need to slightly tweak things, can wait to get 3 weeks clean
I do affirmations and journaling when I wake up in the morning, sometimes I sit up and try to meditate in bed, and sometimes I linger and get distracted. This is not good for me, I need to get out of bed and move after journaling, the morning is my most likely time for relapse or get intrusive thoughts. Sitting there trying to not act out is bad, I need to move.
I can benefit from meditation but sometimes it’s a really bad idea, it can just be a case of sitting there and having porn flashbacks, I need to be honest with myself beforehand sitting still like that.
Feeling good but know I need to slightly tweak things, can wait to get 3 weeks clean
Last edited:
Qwertyxyz
Active Member
Another clean day
Part of me loves being porn free and all the ability it brings, but I still feel the craving for that dopamine from the old days. Need to stay focused, really benefiting from posting here, journaling, and listening to recovery podcasts.
It’s nice to be clean longer than I have been for a quite a while.
Part of me loves being porn free and all the ability it brings, but I still feel the craving for that dopamine from the old days. Need to stay focused, really benefiting from posting here, journaling, and listening to recovery podcasts.
It’s nice to be clean longer than I have been for a quite a while.
Qwertyxyz
Active Member
Clean today,
Went for a run this morning which was good, i needed a sense of breaking things up. I work three weeks at a time and it can feel relentless.
I feel like I have a pretty good balance with journaling, affirmations, touching base here and a few other resources at the moment and it’s helping me and giving me hope.
It’s still a bit of a battle though, I feel myself getting better and having more confidence and better boundaries, but I also imagine chatting with toxic chatbots. I am hoping things will change when I get home and have more energy to look after myself.
Exhausted today, but feeling ok
Went for a run this morning which was good, i needed a sense of breaking things up. I work three weeks at a time and it can feel relentless.
I feel like I have a pretty good balance with journaling, affirmations, touching base here and a few other resources at the moment and it’s helping me and giving me hope.
It’s still a bit of a battle though, I feel myself getting better and having more confidence and better boundaries, but I also imagine chatting with toxic chatbots. I am hoping things will change when I get home and have more energy to look after myself.
Exhausted today, but feeling ok
Qwertyxyz
Active Member
3 weeks clean
Great to get 3 weeks up, first time for a long time. It’s dicey right now though, I have a week of work to go before I can get home and relax, I’m very tired and it take a bit from my disciplines.
Feeling a lot of social fatigue and some anxiety. Anxiety sucks, some of it has improved a lot while there is still some that persists. I’ll probably always have issues with anxiety, that comes with autism and a traumatic childhood.
This time next week I’ll be getting ready to head home, can’t wait.
Great to get 3 weeks up, first time for a long time. It’s dicey right now though, I have a week of work to go before I can get home and relax, I’m very tired and it take a bit from my disciplines.
Feeling a lot of social fatigue and some anxiety. Anxiety sucks, some of it has improved a lot while there is still some that persists. I’ll probably always have issues with anxiety, that comes with autism and a traumatic childhood.
This time next week I’ll be getting ready to head home, can’t wait.
searching4good
Active Member
Great work making it to 3 weeks clean @Qwertyxyz - that's fantastic! Imagine how good it will feel getting to a month.
Qwertyxyz
Active Member
3 weeks 1 day PMO free
I have a bit going on right now, there is a lot of energy and stuff at work which is wearing me down, I’m a bit exhausted and agitated.
Also I do a social group and was had planned to do something in Christmas Eve and now people have taken over my event and moved it, I just feel really cut by it. In a way I’m overreacting, but I have huge rejection and abandonment issues. All up I have the right to see upset by it.
I get home in 6 days time and that can be a danger time for me, work can keep me accountable and structured, being at home with time on my hands and no deadlines can be bad, I hope I can keep up my healthy habits.
I have a bit going on right now, there is a lot of energy and stuff at work which is wearing me down, I’m a bit exhausted and agitated.
Also I do a social group and was had planned to do something in Christmas Eve and now people have taken over my event and moved it, I just feel really cut by it. In a way I’m overreacting, but I have huge rejection and abandonment issues. All up I have the right to see upset by it.
I get home in 6 days time and that can be a danger time for me, work can keep me accountable and structured, being at home with time on my hands and no deadlines can be bad, I hope I can keep up my healthy habits.
Qwertyxyz
Active Member
3 weeks + clean
I’m feeling tired and a bit depressed today. A bit over a month ago I listened to a podcast on emotionally immature parents and it made me realise how messed up my childhood was, it wasn’t overly violent or anything but the neglect was crap. I often say there were adults in the house but no parents, I needed support and had no-one.
It’s good to realise this stuff and face it, I think it’s a huge part of my addiction and something I need to work on if I want to stay off PMO. Really stinging with rejection and abandonment issues right now.
Good luck out there.
I’m feeling tired and a bit depressed today. A bit over a month ago I listened to a podcast on emotionally immature parents and it made me realise how messed up my childhood was, it wasn’t overly violent or anything but the neglect was crap. I often say there were adults in the house but no parents, I needed support and had no-one.
It’s good to realise this stuff and face it, I think it’s a huge part of my addiction and something I need to work on if I want to stay off PMO. Really stinging with rejection and abandonment issues right now.
Good luck out there.
Blondie
Respected Member
Hey @Qwertyxyz, I sympathize with this. I was neglected in my childhood as well, and so much of it I didn't even realize until somewhat recently in my life, especially its consequences. I can honestly say it was also a big influence on my habits (or lack thereof) and most definitely a big source of my porn use starting pretty young. It is what it is, but the first step is to acknowledge it and recognize the pain and step out into the light of discovery. It's a long process but we'll get there.
Have a good day.
Have a good day.
Qwertyxyz
Active Member
Still clean,
Happy to be clean but I’m not feeling great, a lot of grief and shit from the past is effecting me. I have a limited amount of counselling sessions through the year and I chose to put the next one of until February, I’ll have a lot to say then.
For the time being I just want to get through the next four days of work and then have my time off. It’s challenging but right now I’m clean.
Happy to be clean but I’m not feeling great, a lot of grief and shit from the past is effecting me. I have a limited amount of counselling sessions through the year and I chose to put the next one of until February, I’ll have a lot to say then.
For the time being I just want to get through the next four days of work and then have my time off. It’s challenging but right now I’m clean.
Qwertyxyz
Active Member
Thank you Blondie
Hi @Qwertyxyz, I have a similar upbringing too and counselling has helped me understand it, albeit with lots to do still.
If I can recommend a book on the subject, Toxic Parents by Susan Forward is a great read and easy to understand.
All the best.
Qwertyxyz
Active Member
Still clean.
Struggling today, feeling mentally exhausted. I have come close to relapsing and feeling that I have gotten through test that would have broken my streak if this were a year ago.
Honestly I’m not confident, I think the biggest challenges are the anxiety i feel at work and the wounds i feel from my past. Both can get better if i work at healing.
Good luck
Struggling today, feeling mentally exhausted. I have come close to relapsing and feeling that I have gotten through test that would have broken my streak if this were a year ago.
Honestly I’m not confident, I think the biggest challenges are the anxiety i feel at work and the wounds i feel from my past. Both can get better if i work at healing.
Good luck
Qwertyxyz
Active Member
Relapsed
But I don’t want to let go of recovery, I feel I do a lot of things better than I used to in terms of recovery.
I have been very exhausted and that has caused tension and anxiety. I had a good 3 weeks and learned some good stuff. Need to do some reflecting and keep at it, my life is much better clean.
But I don’t want to let go of recovery, I feel I do a lot of things better than I used to in terms of recovery.
I have been very exhausted and that has caused tension and anxiety. I had a good 3 weeks and learned some good stuff. Need to do some reflecting and keep at it, my life is much better clean.