Doing things differently this time

Qwertyxyz

Active Member
Day 18 PMO free

I’m back at work so I’m pretty tired right now, I have to stay vigilant and do the right things. Quitting PMO is a big thing to do and I can’t drop commitment like I did before.

I have been reflecting about my addiction, it really hurt me badly. I felt a bit like a shell of myself full of shame and stress, I’m starting to really like my recovery. I’m also seeing the things I’ve distracted from, in truth I’m very lonely and want more friends or even a relationship and I know none of that happens when I use porn. I want my sense of innocence back and I feel it slowly re-emerging.

I think in my past attempts I wasn’t as anti- porn as I am this time around, porn is awful. With being at work I get tired and lack energy so I really have to prioritise my recovery.

mine day at a time ✅
 

Androg

Administrator
Admin
Moderator
As someone in the article linked to in my signature says, “The problem is not you. The problem is the porn.”

That very true, and yet you are the only one who can now help yourself. It's great that you're so committed. Stay strong. 💪
 

Qwertyxyz

Active Member
As someone in the article linked to in my signature says, “The problem is not you. The problem is the porn.”

That very true, and yet you are the only one who can now help yourself. It's great that you're so committed. Stay strong. 💪
Thank you Androg, I totally agree with that statement. I’m enjoying my time any from porn 🙂
 

Qwertyxyz

Active Member
Day 19 PMO free

I still have images come to my head but I think I’ve learned from others and my past experience that it’s really important to distract from them quickly. If I let those scenarios play out my brain will crave more, it’s just feeding the addiction. I love being PMO free and want to keep reminding myself of how much better life is without it.

My anxiety levels are starting to drop which is great. Relatively early days but feeling confident and determined.

stay vigilant out there 👍
 

Qwertyxyz

Active Member
Day 20 PMO free

I feel like my creative side is coming out more which is nice, I would loose so much time, energy and motivation to porn. I am starting to feel more productive and more in control of my life. I’m understanding how much anxiety it causes me and don’t want that in my life.

I always tried to minimise my porn use but it would so often take over and I could sit in front of my computer for hours looking at it. I left my ex in 2008 and it was messy and painful, we have a son and she is the controlling type with a temper. I was not good and that is when I really got into internet porn, my porn use exploded and it was always that horrid femdom stuff that, I used it for comfort but it was so damaging.

I liked to download stuff and edit it to make it more punchy, I would swear if it and delete it with disgust only to find myself looking for clips I’d lost so I could download them again. It got to a point when I stopped deleting stuff and just tried to quit.

Mitchell really has consumed me for those years and my use was heavy. It’s good to ready other’s stories to remind myself to be patient and alert, I still have porn recall but it’s nothing like it has been in the past, but I wish it would go away.

I work on an oil platform and I’m 3 days into my 21 day swing on. I worry out here as I get very exhausted and don’t have as much time and energy to check out recovery resources. I’m really glad that I enjoy journaling here and listening to recovery audio, all the same I need to stay vigilant and I would benefit from doing more exercise. I need to not disconnect socially as I sometimes do.

I will be fine though I think, I’m feeling confident and am making a big deal about every week I go PMO free, I’m proud of it and it gives me hope. And I know how slippery the slop is, if I use once I’m going to jump back in really deep and my confidence and self-worth will drop.

this was a much longer post that I intended but I feel better for it, more grounded, I’m very grateful for this site, public journaling is great therapy.

thanks for reading 👍
 

TryingHarder

Well-Known Member
I still have images come to my head but I think I’ve learned from others and my past experience that it’s really important to distract from them quickly.
Even after a year, this is something I still struggle with: memories of porn. I always recite the same mantra: Forget them. Forget their faces, forget their names, they're not real, you never had sex with them, they're not your friends. Conjuring up the grotesque image of me fapping in front of my computer screen also helps! ;)
 

Qwertyxyz

Active Member
Even after a year, this is something I still struggle with: memories of porn. I always recite the same mantra: Forget them. Forget their faces, forget their names, they're not real, you never had sex with them, they're not your friends. Conjuring up the grotesque image of me fapping in front of my computer screen also helps! ;)
Thanks man,
I’m realising this journey is so much more than will power. Well done on a year and thanks for your posts 👍
 

Qwertyxyz

Active Member
Day 21 PMO free
3 weeks 🎉

I was listening to a Trish Leigh podcast last night and it helped me further understand what going on in my brain right now.

I’m seriously craving the dopamine hit that I got from porn and porn recall so my brain keeps trying to take me back, It good to acknowledge this. Also that I’m crave dopamine when I’m unhappy or distressed, and I haven’t talked about things or acknowledged them enough. Porn is such a toxic and destructive way to deal with life’s problems. It better to acknowledge my problems and face them.

I remember when covid hit and I was badly stressed, my porn use got darker and more intense, it’s such a dysfunctional way to deal with stress. Very glad for the 3 weeks free of porn, I feel like a healthier person. I absolutely feel I need to stay focused though, it a slippery slope if I start to entertain and feed the demon. Porn does nothing but hurt me and need to remind myself of that.

stay strong out there 🌱
 

Qwertyxyz

Active Member
Day 22 PMO free

I’m tired but I need to do more exercise, I know that helps me but work takes a lot of energy from me. I’m feeling pretty good all up. I’m trying to avoid triggers more, there is so many out there for me, some of it is that soft porn and over sexualised type of thing, but sometimes it’s things much more normal.

it’s only been 3 weeks so I know my brain needs time to heal, I’m not going to consider trying healthy sexuality until I’m at least 6 months free of PMO, maybe longer, I just worry about reawaken and feeding the beast.

trying to acknowledge my emotions more instead of turning to PMO, much healthier.

have a good day all ☀️
 

TryingHarder

Well-Known Member
Good work, Qwertyxyz. You're almost at one month, which is a nice milestone on your reboot. Avoid the triggers, try new things, spend time with people, do whatever it takes to stir the pot and help your brain reset and heal.
 

Qwertyxyz

Active Member
Day 23 PMO free

It’s different to not have that constant crutch to fall on, I feel like I have to actually feel my feelings which is new. I have always had some social anxiety and before starting the reboot it was getting worryingly bad, I was afraid of not being able to do my job. It has improved a whole lot which is great but I know I have to work at improving myself and rebuilding some social skills.

Ultimately I can feel very lonely at times and know it’s not a good thing, I’m really looking at ways to improve my social life and actually talk openly to people a lot more than I do now. Connection to others is very important not just for recovery but also for life in general.

Someone from my work place no longer works here and there is a lot of questions and speculation around it. I strongly suspect he got busted for watching porn on the job, I’ve never done that but I have thought about it. I can’t go back, porn will absolutely ruin me.

I know my brain craves comfort sometimes, but porn will wreck everything.
 

Qwertyxyz

Active Member
Yes, porn distracts from anxiety in the moment...and makes it worse over all. Bad bargain.
I’m reminded of the saying’you can’t heal what you can’t feel. Instead of trying to sort things out I just distracted and let things get worse. Not good.
 

Qwertyxyz

Active Member
Day 24 PMO free

it feels really good to journal daily, I’m proud of my little streak and love not using porn.

I’m realising how lonely I am. I have some people in my life but I also keep them out. Anxiety, shame, and cageyness means I don’t connect with others easily. But now I can see that and can work on it. One thing I’m understanding more and more is recovery takes patience, there are things I need to heal from and build up confidence.

Shame is much reduced, I’ve read about shame being much more likely to cause relapse than to be a motivator, and I’ve found it the case. I stopped shaming myself for using porn and could feel it being less damaging, still ruining my life, but less loss of confidence.

I’m home from work in two weeks and look forward to having more time and energy to do the right things to sort out my life, I’m feeling optimistic and positive.

Good luck all 👍
 

Androg

Administrator
Admin
Moderator
I’m reminded of the saying’you can’t heal what you can’t feel. Instead of trying to sort things out I just distracted and let things get worse. Not good.
But very human. So be gentle (but firm) with yourself. 24 days is not a "little" streak! 💪
 

Qwertyxyz

Active Member
Day 25 PMO free

I do have stress in my life today but instead of thinking I’m stressed I need to MO, I think everything in my life gets worse if I go into my addiction. It’s true too, I’m having some problems at work and I need all my resources for the best outcome. If I PMO things will be bad for me.

A short post today but grateful to be PMO free.
 

Qwertyxyz

Active Member
Day 26 PMO free

I woke up with the worst cravings I’ve had for about a week, I’m really grateful that I check in daily here and don’t want to lose my streak.

I also understand that I’m craving for a reason, I feel stressed today, and I’m aware that I feel very lonely. I need to try to make more friends because I keep myself pretty isolated and I know this is bad for me. People do like me but I’m autistic and not very confident. Still, I know I need to pick the right venues and reach out to people, I have been very good a finding fatal flaws in groups and people and using it as a excuse to run away.

I have a lot of hope about the future.
Good luck everyone 🙂
 

Qwertyxyz

Active Member
What concrete steps are you taking to meet people IRL?
I’m currently looking into a few different men’s groups or support groups, while I benefit more from face to face events I think online stuff can help.
There are a lot of people I can put in the effort to catch up with one on one, I think I’ll try to do that once a week.
Shame and anxiety have messed me up with this stuff but both are much better.

Thank you for asking 🙂
 
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