Doing things differently this time

[Qwertyxyz]

Relapsed,
But ready to get back to recovery. I think I need to do a program or something, I’m looking at Trish Leigh’s, I’ve been doing it alone too long.

 

[Qwertyxyz]

Clean today
I can see a period where I’m pretty vulnerable to relapse, I need to get more support than. Need to process some feelings too

 

[Qwertyxyz]

Working towards recovery,

Saw my counsellor today, really good session, given me some clarification, reinforcement, and things to work on. A lot to process.

 

[Qwertyxyz]

Clean a couple of days

I feel I’m close to being able to get off porn but I still need to work on a few things. Some of it is habit building, some of it getting more support. I do a lot of things much better but still have work to do.

 

[Qwertyxyz]

Ok today,
Planning to get out of town for a few days soon to give my head a bit of a break, I need a circuit breaker

 

[Qwertyxyz]

Getting out of town later in the week, that can be really good for me, I look forward to the feeling of reset I get when I’m away, it helps and is often a time when I start another recovery attempt.

 

[Qwertyxyz]

Clean today
Out of town and by the sea.
To remind myself:
-porn destroys my social confidence and makes me feel vacant and awkward.
-porn puts my anxiety through the roof.
-porn affect my job performance
-porn keeps me isolated and alone
-porn ruins my sleep which has huge knock on affects.

I feel like I’m taking my power back when I’m clean, am ready to try again.

 

[Qwertyxyz]

1 day clean
I miss how I was during my recent streaks of around the 3 week mark, my brain was more focused and switched on.

Have been listening to a podcast that re-reminded me about checking in with my body when I’m craving, it’s so true, i forget the self awareness sometimes. Sometimes a quick check in can really help to loosen things up.

I go home tomorrow and am looking forward to being refreshed and getting into a productive flow.

 

[Qwertyxyz]

I spend way too much time on my phone, I use it as a comfort but it doesn’t relax me when that is what I need. My relaxation and self awareness have been poor lately but I feel better about it today.

 

[Qwertyxyz]

It clicked the other day that my phone is comforting but not relaxing, I can spend hours on the screen like a zombie and not feel energised or productive, and I’m not talking about porn.

I’ve made a list of things that can and can’t use my phone for, it’s a very useful tool. But pointlessly scouring the net for new sport stories or listening to podcasts for hours while playing games isn’t great, better than porn, but still bad for me.

I’m doing a few different things like reading, more exercise, tai chi, and writing. It feels better, i actually love to feel productive.

 

[Qwertyxyz]

Back to work tomorrow, am intending to start the program with dr Trish in a month or so, i really want to stop giving my power away to porn, it really sucks.

 

[Percival]

It clicked the other day that my phone is comforting but not relaxing, I can spend hours on the screen like a zombie and not feel energised or productive, and I’m not talking about porn.

I’ve made a list of things that can and can’t use my phone for, it’s a very useful tool. But pointlessly scouring the net for new sport stories or listening to podcasts for hours while playing games isn’t great, better than porn, but still bad for me.

I’m doing a few different things like reading, more exercise, tai chi, and writing. It feels better, i actually love to feel productive.

This journey really is bigger than just not looking at porn, even though that's where all of us start. But it's really about a complete makeover of body and mind, becoming self-disciplined men (or women) in all ways. And I suppose that effort is one that takes all life to accomplish.

 

[Qwertyxyz]

Back to work, i feel more aware of things i need to work on, it feels good to be more aware. I hate what this does to me. I was just remembering the feeling i had as a kid, like a frustrated fire was in my head, I was generally really nice but i could be cutting and not realise it. There was a lot of self blame and self loathing which was bad and influenced my taste in porn. I want to heal.

 

[Qwertyxyz]

I’m very aware that I have problems with trust and I know it will take a lot of work to try to heal that. I generally feel people have something that I don’t have. I feel very isolated and I know that’s not unusual it’s just I feel like I never had any healthy modelling and no real success in getting close to people. Maybe many feel like me but when I see people with a social confidence I long for it kind of stings inside. I am good at the customer service type of conversations and I seem to be likeable but letting people in seems to go against so many defence mechanisms, my isolation more than anything else impedes my recovery.

 

[Qwertyxyz]

feeling better about opening up a bit more to others. That’s really important, I need people if I want to recover.
I’m doing nightshift for something different so I’ll have to adapt and think a bit differently. Was looking at PAA, might get on line and check it out. I went to a different 12 step fellowship a few days ago and it was good to feel relaxed and unafraid, it’s nice to disprove my anxiety.

 

[Qwertyxyz]

I have such a void inside from my childhood neglect, it can really mess me up when I meet someone and I know I need the void filled but I also know how dysfunctional it is. I just stay alone, I can’t recover unless I heal, I feel like I can do that.

 

[Qwertyxyz]

A lot is coming up for me involving childhood neglect and emotionally immature parents. I think I’ll get a book on the topic to help understand myself a bit more. These things are new to me.

 

[Qwertyxyz]

Been using my phone a lot less for non porn related relaxation. It feels much better and I am more focused and productive. I realise my phone comforts me but does not relax me, it keeps me in a shitty holding pattern, I don’t like it. I have made a list of allowable things that I can use my phone for. I don’t stick to it %100 but I do good.

 

[Qwertyxyz]

Despite my struggles I feel things are getting better, more discipline, less phone time, more exercise and healthier routines help wonderfully, recovery can’t happen without them.

 

[Percival]

Small steps, @Qwertyxyz!