Doing things differently this time

Qwertyxyz

Qwertyxyz

Active Member
Sometimes it feels like I’m getting ok at bucketing water out of the boat and keeping it sustainably, but it hard, eventually you take a break and get flooded or the in coming water just comes in too fast. What I’m saying is right now I’m not getting much time up but I am doing some good disciplines that help me not go down too far. But it’s not sustainable.

I have a few ideas of ways to work with others, and I know that’s what I need to do, I think things will improve.

I’m chasing a book on healing from having emotionally immature parents, I think it will be helpful, but it also has made me think if I’m emotionally immature myself 🤔
 
Qwertyxyz

Qwertyxyz

Active Member
3 days clean

I feel so much better already, when I used a lot for about 18 years so I’m kind of used to the brain fog. I had periods where I did ok but I remember covid stressing me out and things getting worse.

I still get out there, but PMO has such a deep negative affect on me, I love being clean. I ordered one of those brain training headbands that dr Trish talks about and when that comes I’ll start the program, my life is so much better clean but I just need a little more help to get there.
 
Qwertyxyz

Qwertyxyz

Active Member
4 days clean

I has been a really good run but there have been some compulsions this morning. I wish it wasn’t like this but I need to have others who make me feel more accountable than doing it all alone. Social anxiety can make it really hard, the best thing for my social anxiety is to quit porn, and I can’t quit porn while I’m stifled by social anxiety.

Aiming to try a zoom thing with PAA, I’ve wanted to in the past but have got too nervous, really trying to reassure myself.
One day at a time.
 
Qwertyxyz

Qwertyxyz

Active Member
Still clean,
Brains a bit ratty but I’m ok. I realise how much phone addiction/over use has got in the way of recovery. When i stopped drinking i realised how much I just distracted from instead of facing, its like that with the phone (no including porn) but milder. The self awareness is good, reduces cravings.

Still have a bottle of going on, work has created some adrenaline but I’m calming down now.
 
Qwertyxyz

Qwertyxyz

Active Member
Day 4 I think,

Doing ok, was pretty ratty yesterday but feel better today. I have done some meditation that has helped and I’ve done a few other things that are good too.

Tired from work but staying strong, life is so much better when I’m clean. 🙂
 
Qwertyxyz

Qwertyxyz

Active Member
1 week clean 🎉🙂

Feels good to get a week up and am doing pretty well despite some cravings that have passed.

I feel like I am doing a lot of things right but have to keep working, I know I’m more likely to stay clean if I in a good place rather than relying on defensive measures. Defensive stuff hasn’t really stopped me from relapsing, it’s when I love being clean that I make progress.

I will need to tidy up digitally as there are things that are accessible.

Good luck out there
 
Qwertyxyz

Qwertyxyz

Active Member
Great to had a week clean 🙂✅

I have 6 more days out here at work and it’s pretty exhausting. I can tell that I’m in a bit of a risky place as I’m pretty fatigued. I’ve listened to a bit on craving dopamine in recovery and feel like I’m going through a bit of that, I need to really be grounded in how I approach things to keep myself going in the right direction.

I’m feeling pretty good about it and think a lot of this has to do with how I’m using my phone these days (much less). Looking forward to finishing this stint clean if I can.
 
Qwertyxyz

Qwertyxyz

Active Member
Day 9

Staying clean, hanging in there. Phone use is at a healthy minimum. Meditation and exercise is really helping. Too isolated but I am chatting, and this really helps.

I’ve considered using ai chat to help recovery but it’s not been great, the paid for apps don’t gel for me, i want to program the personality a bit myself, but aps that allow that are risky, I’ve used them in correctly in the past.

Just happy to be clean and more self aware.
 
Qwertyxyz

Qwertyxyz

Active Member
Day 10,

Sticking in, need to get out of the bed quicker in the morning, sitting there with intrusive thoughts is not a good idea. Have an exercise group planned for tomorrow morning so that will help.

Doing a lot of good action right now but am very tired and a bit vulnerable to relapse.
 
Qwertyxyz

Qwertyxyz

Active Member
Still clean

Feeling more solid today but pretty exhausted. Sometimes work take it out of my and I feel the brain struggling. I’m autistic and that doesn’t help, there are so many moving parts to work sometimes part of me gets overwhelmed and shuts down.

After today I have 2 more shifts, will be grateful to get through it. Exercised last night and I think it really helped with the intrusive thoughts and stuff. Getting through work will be great.
 
Qwertyxyz

Qwertyxyz

Active Member
Still clean,

Very tired and just trying to do the right things. I have much better perspective now than I did when I first started trying to quit. I’m only just approaching 2 weeks and know myself much better now. Healing takes time and it’s getting a little easier to be open and ask for help.
 
Qwertyxyz

Qwertyxyz

Active Member
Bit of a relapse.
It’s good to acknowledge it here and not hide, it makes me more accountable to myself. At least I’m home, now I need to use my time and space to recover, not get stuck. Work was hard and I need to be more prepared for coming home, that’s where I became unstuck this time and have also done in the past.
 
Qwertyxyz

Qwertyxyz

Active Member
Was reading the book ‘the body keeps the score the other day and was struck by the fact that in some cases parts of the brain shut down after trauma, it hit me hard, i had been blaming my autism. It’s something helpful to know, much work to do and im learning about myself as i read.
 
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