Doing things differently this time

[GBS]

Hi @Qwertyxyz - I am very familiar with the three circles. Been helpful to me. Not sure I have any advice except don’t beat yourself up about middle circle behaviour. Everyone does it. Just be acutely aware of where the line is from middle to inner, and stay away from the edge. It’s a good discin-line.

 

[Qwertyxyz]

I relapsed.

But I need to keep fighting, life is better clean. I get so wiped out and stressed at work, I can be hard to come down. I have gotten better but I need to just get a bit more self aware and look after myself better.

I’ve had 20 days clean, 11 day relapse, 22 days clean. I really want to just get back on with it, I need to have good systems in place for when I am mentally wiped out.

 

[Qwertyxyz]

Learning is important, I think i relapsed because i was a bit too ungrounded, i am going to do some questions tonight about what was going on for me, i don’t like what porn does to me. I need to be strong.

 

[Qwertyxyz]

I give my power away too much and I resent it, it’s important for me to do better at understanding the trauma behind this. I have been thinking about my mother lately and how much of a space cadet she was, I blamed myself for not being cared for when she was off with the fairies. I’m letting that hit me.

 

[Qwertyxyz]

Trying to get back…
I’m grateful for what I have learned. Recovery from Porn is a lot different than alcohol. Getting sober was just quite simple, but porn is much deeper I guess, I need to face trauma to heal and move on. There are far less triggers with alcohol sex stuff is everywhere. I’m growing and am optimistic.

 

[Qwertyxyz]

Listening to the book from Dr Trish, it’s pretty good. I feel like I’ll be able to take it in more once I’m home from work. I’m doing ok

 

[Qwertyxyz]

Looking forward to getting home soon and taking care of myself better. Work mentally wipes me out but I’m learning how to give myself permission to set boundaries, that’s always been hard but I am improving. I know caring for my own needs are very important.

 

[Qwertyxyz]

Might be staying back a bit at work, that’s a good and bad thing. More pay, but it’s hard work. Not sure if it’s the right thing but I want to get ahead a bit. Doing ok today.

 

[Qwertyxyz]

I have another week to go before heading home from work. I’m trying for a clean day today, I’m pretty tired and run down. I feel like I have learned a lot lately and will be more responsible with myself management when I get home. Looking forward to time off.

 

[Qwertyxyz]

My stress has been down lately. I read the book no more mr nice guy (highly recommend) and realised how much of my power I give away and how bitter and anxious I am because of it. I’m treating my needs as important, not inconvenient and I am trusting myself more.

 

[Blondie]

Hey, @Qwertyxyz, I love No More Mr. Nice Guy!

It was a gamechanger for me years ago and it's about time to reread it.

Best

 

[Qwertyxyz]

Feeling alright today, home in about 5 days time and wanting to grow.

Hey, @Qwertyxyz, I love No More Mr. Nice Guy!

It was a gamechanger for me years ago and it's about time to reread it.

Best

thanks man,
Yeah that book really got through to me, I’m thinking to reread it to help it settle in.

 

[Qwertyxyz]

I struggle with trust and letting people in. I looked in to the critical stages of development a few year back and thought fuck, my personality was shaped while shit was bad. How i understand it today is that i developed to not ever trust, see people as risky and unreliable, never to expect support, maturity or warmth, to see people as dangerous. What a shit childhood.

I know I can change a bit but my default is cagey and isolated, but I can work with that.

 

[Qwertyxyz]

Pretty tired today, I don’t feel I have a lot of mental resources at my disposal. I have to be really smart and take care of myself, I am allowed to protect my energy.

It’s hard to find the balance, sometimes too much rest makes me stagnant, i think i need a good run after work to shake out the cobwebs.

 

[Qwertyxyz]

4 days until I’m home. I did some PAA meetings before and I think they helped, will try using them as a tool when I get home. Also listening to dr Trish’s book, it’s pretty good.

 

[Qwertyxyz]

Thinking more on my childhood, it’s like I remember this constant desperately lonely feel, it was shit but much better than being vulnerable and being misunderstood and abandoned.

 

[Qwertyxyz]

Tired but in good spirits. Really benefiting from mood tracking and other things. I grew up so distressed that I recon dark flare ups will always be a thing for me, they pass quickly though, and I’m so glad to have the perspective that a temporary dip in mood doesn’t signify a helpless battle.

Home in 2 days, can’t wait.
Good luck out there.

 

[Qwertyxyz]

Home tomorrow.
Staying disciplined is so important, little actions really help build up inner resilience. Will do more PAA meetings once I get home, but i worry about fitting in, I’m pretty sensitive and autistic so i always worry, i don’t think it will be an issue but the feelings linger.

 

[Qwertyxyz]

Really trying to keep my discipline up, I can do a lot of good if I stay clean, when I use it’s not do good. I have had no sense of empowerment in my life, I’ve given my power away and played small. It’s not been good. I’m trying to build up my self awareness, it’s so good to realise what you are up against internally.

 

[Qwertyxyz]

It’s great to be home, I can feel myself recharging and it’s good. Sleep is really important, I know that but sometimes doing all the helpful actions take it out of you. Feeling much better today.

Going to try to stay clean tomorrow and start another run, I could get over a week up for a while but have had runs of 20, and 22 days lately, it’s not perfect but it’s very hopeful. It’s really nice to track this and see I’ve had clean periods.

I also know that now I’m home and off work I can easily get hooked into porn a loose a day, or much more in that shitty, brain foggy place.

Thanks for reading