Doing things differently this time

[Qwertyxyz]

Not clean but at least I’m staying disciplined. It’s been an educational month for me, I realised how poor I can be with self care, I neglect my own needs and suffer for it. I only have a two week break, so I’m going to try putting my own needs first this time around.

 

[Qwertyxyz]

When I’m in PMO addiction at work it’s kind of ‘sustainable’ as I work 12 hour days and have a lot of forced structure and discipline. When I am at home and not working… I can easily lose half a day, a day to addiction and it really messes up my brain.
I have been in relapse for a bit over a week and it is taking a toll, I feel the need to get back in recovery, will go camping next week to clear some space and get some healing.

 

[Qwertyxyz]

Talked to a lawyer this morning, child support stuff. It went well I think but did it wipe me out. Acted in.
I bought one of those head bands that dr Trish carries on about, they are a magical cure by the way, but they do some interesting stats. Porn is screwing my brain up and I can kind of see it in the stats, I’m grateful for those signals.
I’m going camping for a day or two soon, I feel like I just need a circuit breaker to get me back in recovery

 

[Qwertyxyz]

Last night was good, nice to have a clean night and process some thoughts and plans. I feel like I lost control of my dopamine big time. Heading out of town tonight, really looking hard at myself, I want things to be better.

 

[Qwertyxyz]

I realise how bad I am with being the vulnerable, I’m shocking, so shut down and defensive. Much of this is because I don’t care for my own needs, i don’t try to protect myself and therefore trust no-one. Really consciously trying to be there for myself a lot more, I can day bit of a shift already.

 

[Qwertyxyz]

I have been better In some ways lately, I realise I’ve lived a life of being terrified of abandonment so I don’t rock the boat or stand up for myself, it makes life shit and I can’t trust myself. It’s great to finally understand this dynamic and being working against it. I actually feel really good when I set boundaries, life is a interesting.

 

[Qwertyxyz]

Sitting down ready to write another impact statement on what porn does to me. These help me to actually get back into recovery, isolating how deep and bad it can be. Porn fries the brain, it’s no good.

 

[Qwertyxyz]

Did a PAA meeting last night, I was pretty nervous but it was just good to rock up. I’m feeling much better about making friends with other guys, always a hard thing for me but something I think is very important.

 

[Qwertyxyz]

I’m trying to organise stuff with other guys, I need support and I am finally seeing when someone is draining and someone isn’t. Sometimes I see ways that I have it together, and other times I feel like a kid in a room full of adults, it’s hard, but I see progress.

 

[Qwertyxyz]

I go back to work on Thursday. I often am cleaner at work than at home, there is much more real pressure at work than at home so I really need to stay clean as long as possible. Being at home there is less structure and accountability, and I can slip… I do things and sometimes have a good routine at home but I get distracted more easily. I’m working on improving.

 

[Qwertyxyz]

Sometimes i feel like i have it all together, sometimes i feel out of my league and left behind. Life is so confusing for me sometimes. I’m planning to start a bit of a men’s group as I need. That sort of connection, I also might stick my head back into an AA meeting, they got me sober 22 years ago, I’m trying to just connect a bit more.

 

[Qwertyxyz]

A bit depressed today, I have a lot of abandonment issues and damage from my childhood, sometimes I fantasise that I can break the chain holding me back from trusting others but I know it’s not like that. When the brain gets wired a certain way during the critical stages of development it hard to change much. Acceptance is the key, I need to be realistic with what I’m working with. I’m sad but ok.

 

[Qwertyxyz]

Back at work, I strangely feel good about the routine and purpose being here. I’m sensing I need to make some changes in my life, I have to work on my trauma, I was ignoring it a year ago and it’s been quite a journey since than. Still have much to do.

 

[Qwertyxyz]

Stayed clean this morning, it wasn’t easy but I’m better for it. If I get through today I’ll have 2 days clean, first time for a few weeks.

Looking forward to seeing my counsellor this break, I’ve had a few months off.

 

[Qwertyxyz]

2 days clean.
I feel more awareness. I have only just really started to look at a bunch of trauma this year, it’s a journey. I think it’s really important to face trauma if I really want to quit, it just leaves too much burning around deep down.

 

[Qwertyxyz]

I really need to moderate at work, I burn myself out too easily if I do too much. Am starting a bit of a men’s group, in person, i think i really need other guys to talk to and hold me accountable. I need to slow down too, im best when grounded.

 

[Qwertyxyz]

3 days clean.
I work with a couple of guys who are a bit older than me and that I e known for a while, I can see both of them slipping in different ways, I know much of it is natural aging but it really reminds me that if I keep trashing my brain it’s pretty bad, I see PMO really hammering cognitive decline if I’m not careful. I’m doing a lot of things right at the moment discipline wise and I like how it makes me feel.

 

[Qwertyxyz]

4 days clean
I realise I feel like I set much better boundaries at work than at home. Atop I’m just busy and don’t have a lot of mental resources to burn down I need to be very controlled.
At home things are more forgiving so I get pretty loose and because of that my anxiety shoots right up. I need to really start being there for myself like never before.

I have been so naive with women, there are a couple of female friends who I realise like me, this is weird and I need to figure out what to to, I need to really communicate clearly and again actually be there for myself and treats my wants and needs as important. I definitely owe them clear communication.

 

[Qwertyxyz]

5 days clean
Doing some tai chi lately, really good way to get grounded and focused, I can just do it, or do it with more intent. Enjoying my clean time.

 

[Qwertyxyz]

6 days clean
I’m ok, a bit up and down but glad to be clean. I’m just starting to get some relaxation back and hope I can go on with this clean stretch. This is probably the least prepared I’ve felt for a recovery run for a few months so hopefully I can get a bit more time up.

I’m starting a bit of a mens group next month, I really need the support, I’m looking forward to seeing how it unfolds and what I can learn.