Doing things differently this time

[Qwertyxyz]

1 week clean,
Feeling pretty good but need to stay vigilant. Benefiting from exercise and need to keep reading, I’m ok today.

 

[Qwertyxyz]

Still clean and feeling pretty good. Still have cravings but they are better. This is nice, I’m aiming for 10 days next and am in a good rhythm.

 

[Qwertyxyz]

Nice to have 10 days up, staying strong but am certainly having cravings. I see my counsellor in a few weeks and look forward to getting a lot of my chest. I’m looking a lot at the messed up relationships with my mother and father, it’s hard to face but good to feel the healing. Feeling better about healthy intimacy which I have never really done.

 

[Qwertyxyz]

I realise how deeply ashamed and repress I am around sexuality. I have never accepted things and have tried to change or repress myself. Coming into acceptance really opens me up, I feel a weight of my shoulders but there is a lot to unravel.

 

[Qwertyxyz]

Tired today, at work and getting a bit drained, need to be very careful. I have been in so much shame around my sexuality, i didn’t even realise how bad it was.

 

[Qwertyxyz]

I’m realising my PMO addiction is very different to my alcohol addiction. I was listening to some of Anna Lembkes stuff (writter of dopamine nation) and was interested to hear her talk about how addiction recovery these days is not about permanent life long abstention (I’m 22 years without a drink) but more about a break from use, work on yourself, and re-engaging in a healthy way. I do want to be sexual and I need to figure out what i want in regards to healthy sexuality as I know my view has been unrealistic and full of shame.

 

[Qwertyxyz]

I read in dr Trish’s book about how you can be very stressed but unaware of it. Me and a co-worker both have Garmins, we were talking about stress, he said he was having a stressful week and was averaging a 30, i looked back and saw that my best weekly average score for the past year was a 30. In short stress is a problem and I be active at working with this.

 

[Qwertyxyz]

Struggling again, can’t wait to get home, I’m starting a men’s group that i think will help. I’m also set to see my counsellor, I think I’m really going to benefit, I have realised a lot about myself lately.

 

[ts34]

You're doing great. Keep at it. Which particular aspect(s) of your sexuality are troubling you?

 

[Qwertyxyz]

I have been using one of those brain training headbands that dr Trish sells, there ok for some insights but I feel i meditate better without it, I’ll use occasional from now on. I question my job, it pays well but take do much, it’s a hard balance and I need to work on an out plan.

 

[Qwertyxyz]

You're doing great. Keep at it. Which particular aspect(s) of your sexuality are troubling you?

I have pretty deep abandonment issues, I worry about falling for someone and wanting them to fill the void, even if it’s the totally wrong person, so I don’t trust myself and I don’t let myself try.
A lot of it is pure lack of experience and knowing I used to have a lot of self loathing that affects me sexually.
I more and more think that it’s time to try to reclaim my sexuality and let go of all the shame. Am going to a singles event in a few weeks and am looking at speed dating, I think exposure will help the healing.

 

[Qwertyxyz]

Doing ok, in I guess mild relapse, I have to stay really disciplined or it will (always dose) get out of hand. Home in 5 more days, but I am much better when i finish strong.

 

[Qwertyxyz]

It’s been a good year for dome self reflection, I think I need to heal the past to help my addiction. I’ve grown so much this year. I want to try a few dating things, I must communicate clearly and say what I want. I think that can help shift so much of my shame, I am just realising how repressed I have been, it’s really not good for me.

 

[Qwertyxyz]

I’m doing ok today, can’t wait to get home and have a bit more time and space. I really need to do a bit of journaling on shame, that will help me understand and let go a bit more. Also really looking forward to seeing my counsellor, that will help a lot.

 

[Qwertyxyz]

Life feels like such a weird journey sometimes, it’s been pretty grim at times and between autism and trauma i think I’ll always have challenges. But I’m feeling good and mostly hopeful today, it seems life will never be seamless and mundane.

 

[Qwertyxyz]

Will be focusing on trying to reduce stress. I have been thinking a lot about my work and how I need to start planning for an out, this work is very challenging and I wonder how much it affects my habits with PMO.

Looking forward to getting home tonight and hope to sleep better than I have been recently.

 

[Qwertyxyz]

Trying to slow down and not be so racey mentally. I’m really seeing the link between my problematic use and my stress. I have not been very aware of stress, I’ve spent a lot of time in survival mode and it’s hard to break free. Need to be practical and sensible.

 

[Qwertyxyz]

I’m realising how deep my shame around sexuality is, it really doesn’t help. I have done some work on this but i really do have so much to do. It’s like I’m toxic too myself.

I’ve read a bit that makes me realise there is such thing as healthy sexuality, I haven’t understood how stress and distress cause my cravings, I need to do more work on my underlying issues.

 

[Qwertyxyz]

I’m really benefiting from journaling lately, I have been enjoying my own time for the last few days but the next 3 days are pretty social. I need to be social but it can totally wipe me out if I’m not careful. I need to work at not getting into adrenaline and anxiety and do my best to stay grounded. I often get real bad cravings after social events because of the anxiety.

 

[Qwertyxyz]

Continuing to look into neglect and abandonment trauma. For me it’s heavy but revealing. Did a sharing group last night and I talked about it, not sure if many people understood but it’s good to name it. I feel like it’s the start of a new journey of recovery. My cravings are better than they used to be and that is progress.