Doing things differently this time

[Qwertyxyz]

27 day PMO free

Not sure what to say today, sometimes I feel like I repeat myself here but it’s all stuff I need to keep hearing, like porn ruins me. Actually there are so many levels of the damage it does and there is no healthy amount for me. If I PMO it will take over again.
Work is tiring, I look forward to having down time soon and don’t feel too worried about compulsions, I take them seriously and try to distract quickly. Still I need to treat them very seriously.

Have a great week all

 

[TryingHarder]

I'm currently taking some weekly classes (pottery, stained glass) which are fun. They get me out of the house, I get to interact with real people, I get away from the computer, and I'm learning new things. Maybe that's an idea for you, too.

 

[Qwertyxyz]

28 days PMO free

4 weeks is a great milestone, it’s gotten much easier to say no but thoughts do pop up. Using porn creates problems it doesn’t solve them.

stay strong everyone

 

[Qwertyxyz]

I'm currently taking some weekly classes (pottery, stained glass) which are fun. They get me out of the house, I get to interact with real people, I get away from the computer, and I'm learning new things. Maybe that's an idea for you, too.

Yeah I think that’s a good idea, I look at support groups and they can good but I might need something more social.

 

[Qwertyxyz]

29 days PMO free

my heads a bit funky today, struggling a bit at work. Not much craving though, checking in hear each day helps remind me that porn creates problems it doesn’t solve them, and it can really mess me up. I’m feeling fragile but hopeful.

 

[Qwertyxyz]

30 days PMO free

it’s been a very challenging 24 hours. I’m coming back from work early after a meltdown. I was thinking about how good it was that I’m going through this acid test and not fixating on porn fantasies, then people I was flying out with put on a movie that happened to have a sex scene in it. It triggered me and I’ve had a few intrusive thoughts since.

I’m between flights now and am feeling better, I’m distracting from the thoughts but reminded to not get complacent. I’m wiped out but ok.

 

[Androg]

Gotta be ready for those triggers. Don't fight them, but do move on from them to productive thoughts ASAP. The more you ruminate the more power you give them.

Try listing all you have to be grateful for instead. Even simply smiling can shift your neurochemistry for the better: https://www.nbcnews.com/better/heal...-brain-happiness-boost-your-health-ncna822591

 

[Qwertyxyz]

Gotta be ready for those triggers. Don't fight them, but do move on from them to productive thoughts ASAP. The more you ruminate the more power you give them.

Try listing all you have to be grateful for instead. Even simply smiling can shift your neurochemistry for the better: https://www.nbcnews.com/better/heal...-brain-happiness-boost-your-health-ncna822591

I like this advice. It’s reaffirming thank you.

 

[Qwertyxyz]

Day 31 PMO free

It’s been a pretty hectic 48 hours but I’m a decent place now. Work was hard but I’m home now, feeling confident about sorting things out, and still free from PMO

The past 48 hours tested me and I’m mentally fatigued, I will go for a walk soon and access recovery stuff to help reinforce how great it is to not PMO.

It really is tru that turning to PMO in troubled time for me in destructive and dangerous. Sometimes i think I sound dramatic when posting but I really aren’t understating things and it feels liberating to express myself, I know if I don’t express myself I don’t heal and I keep using porn.

Autism makes life challenging at times, I feel like I am trying to get others to understand a different culture. All up I’m not in a bad place and feel good about the future.

Wish me luck.

 

[Qwertyxyz]

32 days PMO free

the intrusive thoughts have been stronger the last few days and I know I have to be very vigilant right now. I’m not surprised as the past week has wiped me out mentally and that has caused me distress and affected my disciplines.

I’m on leave now but that can be bad as I have a lot of time unaccounted for, I am good and making myself active and need to get back in balance. I work on an oil rig and usually do a 3 week on the rig, than 3 week of the rig roster, it can be challenging but I’m happy with it.

I worry about my streak when I transition to work and home, work is a big adjustment, and by the time I’m home I’m that mentally exhausted and haven’t the time and energy to be as proactive with recovery stuff as I would like. And autism doesn’t help.

today I plan to re-engage with recovery literature and audio, the cravings really reduce when I focus on how horrible and destructive porn use is to me. I’m going to treat myself like I’m very vulnerable for the next few days.

good luck all

 

[Androg]

Sorry it's heavy going for the moment. It'll pass. Take good care of yourself.

 

[Qwertyxyz]

Day 32, still

it’s been a good day, after a lot of compulsions in the morning. I listen to a fair bit of recovery audio (DR Trish, consider before consuming). Two things that helped.

1: you need to see what’s at stake, in AA the used to talk about ‘the gift of desperation’, as in, if I use I’m fucked, there’s no balance, no causal fun, just shitty awful distress. For me using PMO is a shit life.

2: Offence is better than defence. I think blockers etc. are useful but if my life is a mess I’ll find a way to use. Plus my relapses start with MO and once that’s ingrained I go to Porn. When my life is unmanageable and miserable I will use, when I take control of my life I have much, much less compulsion to use. Porn takes the confidence, focus and energy I need to sort things out away, and messes up my life, so I use more porn to comfort. Toxic awful loop.

I feel better now, tomorrow I’ll start exercising again (more than walking). Have a good weekend all

 

[Qwertyxyz]

Day 33 PMO free

If I go back to using porn:
1 My future gets darker as I loose hope to shine and explore, anxiety and depression will be permanent.
2 I will never be able to get past my shame and insecurity to make friends or get into a healthy relationship.
3 My work will suffer and I will be constantly stressed by job security and financial security.
4 Personal growth will be massively compromised, I’ll be a shell.
5 I will never be able to advocate for myself effectively, as someone who is autistic this is massive.
6 My mental health will deteriorate and I’ll go back to suicide ideations.

So yeah, if I don’t stay off it my life really sucks. Using porn is like taking your hands of the wheel and staring out the side window while you’re driving down the freeway. I’m very glad to be free from PMO today, I feel the cravings from the last few days kind of marked me and will take a few more days to pass but I’m in a much better headspace.

I did a big walk yesterday and it was nice to see the world a bit differently, less sexualisation, more hope. I’ve even had healthy sexual thoughts but I’m not going to consider going near them until I have at least 6 months up, maybe a year, I simply don’t trust myself with sex right now, I think it would lead me back to porn.

 

[Qwertyxyz]

Day 34 PMO free

Still getting some full on cravings to MO, I try hard not to feed the thoughts and so far so good.

I need to reach out more and get support in life, I’m pretty alone in life and need to develop friendships and connect, I know I can do this but I also know I need to work through past trauma as well. Actually my past trauma causes me anxiety and makes me crave comfort, something I need to consider and begin healing.

 

[Qwertyxyz]

35 days PMO free
5 weeks

Its great to get the 5 weeks up but it’s been pretty hard lately, lots of compulsions. I feel like all the things I distracted from are coming up to be dealt with, and ultimately that’s good, I need to take more control of my life instead of ignoring stuff and hoping it goes away.

I asked myself what the porn I used to look at tells me about myself emotionally, I used to look at femdom stuff, much of it on the hardcore side. A few things that I’ve believed that have fueled my porn tastes:
- I have felt powerless to stop my suffering
- no-one cares if I’m suffering
- I can’t protect myself
- I’m not worthwhile
- I’m deeply insecure and lonely
- I’m not good socially

I know there is a lot buried within me that I don’t express, I am going to a group tomorrow and am looking at some online stuff, plus I have a counsellor. I need to talk about my past without shame, I know I shouldn’t feel shame but when I used porn it I shut down emotionally.

It’s nice to have better self understanding but recovery is a long road.

 

[TryingHarder]

A few things that I’ve believed that have fueled my porn tastes:

I think all of us have a similar list, Qwertyxyz. The important thing to remember is: it's not true. These feelings may seem real, but - like the fantasy of porn - it doesn't add up in real life. I used to use PMO to ease my pain and solve problems. That doesn't work and never will. Only by taking a deep breath and really digging deep inside ourselves to understand what's causing the emotional distress will work. Recovery is a long road, but remember: the porn addiction road will never end and leads you nowhere. Best of luck with your efforts - 30+ days PMO free is a fantastic start.

 

[Androg]

35 days PMO free
5 weeks

Its great to get the 5 weeks up but it’s been pretty hard lately, lots of compulsions. I feel like all the things I distracted from are coming up to be dealt with, and ultimately that’s good, I need to take more control of my life instead of ignoring stuff and hoping it goes away.

I asked myself what the porn I used to look at tells me about myself emotionally, I used to look at femdom stuff, much of it on the hardcore side. A few things that I’ve believed that have fueled my porn tastes:
- I have felt powerless to stop my suffering
- no-one cares if I’m suffering
- I can’t protect myself
- I’m not worthwhile
- I’m deeply insecure and lonely
- I’m not good socially

I know there is a lot buried within me that I don’t express, I am going to a group tomorrow and am looking at some online stuff, plus I have a counsellor. I need to talk about my past without shame, I know I shouldn’t feel shame but when I used porn it I shut down emotionally.

It’s nice to have better self understanding but recovery is a long road.

Congratulations on seeking group support. Great idea.

 

[Qwertyxyz]

I think all of us have a similar list, Qwertyxyz. The important thing to remember is: it's not true. These feelings may seem real, but - like the fantasy of porn - it doesn't add up in real life. I used to use PMO to ease my pain and solve problems. That doesn't work and never will. Only by taking a deep breath and really digging deep inside ourselves to understand what's causing the emotional distress will work. Recovery is a long road, but remember: the porn addiction road will never end and leads you nowhere. Best of luck with your efforts - 30+ days PMO free is a fantastic start.

Thanks Tryingharder,
It’s great to have why I’m doing this reinforced. I deeply appreciate the experience of others, there is no way I could do this alone.

 

[Qwertyxyz]

36 days PMO free

I woke up feeling better today am and grateful for that.

I am writing something out to advocate for myself at work, I feel very good about this and am nearly finished, if I was still using PMO I wouldn’t do a very good job of this at all, and the consequence of that would be significant: self loathing, powerlessness, work being highly stressful, loss of confidence. I know I crumble if I use porn, there really is a lot at stake for me.

I spontaneously got on a train yesterday and went to the coast and did some exploring. In theory I love doing that sort of thing but porn wrecks my motivation and makes me stagnant. I had a great time, it was the first time I had caught a train since sometime before covid. Even if I explored when I was PMOing I rarely felt connected to my sense of wonder, things are getting better and better

I’ve ordered a book by Eddie Capparucci about the traumas that cause sexual addiction, I know there is a lot to the themes of my porn tastes and I want to heal more.

Successful Journeys everyone

 

[Qwertyxyz]

37 days PMO free

I feel like a bit of a storm pass passed for me and it’s nice. It was very challenging and I am so glad that I did not use PMO, I know if I use once I’m back to active addiction, I have learned that well from past attempts.

I still get intrusive thoughts and need to look at them deeper, they are fantasies that comfort me but I would hate in real life. They are ultimately unrealistic, and highly destructive and I need to reinforce that when these thoughts come and I am not as urgent to get them out of my head as I could be, they can still feel comforting. I imagine toxic and abusive scenarios that in real life would be awful.

Porn really scrambled my brain and took so much, I want a better life and feel things are heading in the right direction

don’t feed the demon, stay strong!