Doing things differently this time

[Qwertyxyz]

One week clean

It feels good but I’m far from being rock solid. Getting to know myself better all the time. I have never been so content in my solitude, while I know I need people, mostly I like to be alone and I am letting myself just have that time and love my own company, it feels good to stop putting pressure and expectations on myself, the social/solitude balance I have is actually pretty good.

 

[Qwertyxyz]

8 days clean,
Kind of understanding on a deeper level how much my nervous system has been in shock. I feel like I am improving my awareness and regulation skills, when I’m distressed I crave.

 

[Qwertyxyz]

Day 9 clean
Some cravings but ok. Really trying to be aware of my nervous system and how it operates, it’s been hammered and I need to take good care of it. I’ve never really gone for the inner child type of thing even though I know it’s a construct, soothing the nervous system is something I can work with.

 

[Qwertyxyz]

10 days PMO free

Feel good but this morning was tricky. I think I need to be very careful in the mornings, it’s always been my vulnerable time. I ended up doing a run which was great. I am really focusing on calming my nervous system and getting healthy dopamine, I am using AI in a healthy way to help too. I really want some healing.

 

[Qwertyxyz]

Staying strong and feeling optimistic. I feel like I’m getting better tools all the time and self knowledge is so crucial I think to recovery. What works for others may not work for you and that’s ok. Next goal is 2 weeks, I’m getting close.

 

[Qwertyxyz]

Clean today and am enjoying it.
Really trying to build on self support, when you abandon yourself you are all alone, sure others help, but if you’re not on your side you’re in trouble. Feeling less shame, more acceptance and more positive.

 

[Qwertyxyz]

I’m trying to learn more about healthy sexuality, I’ve always seen it as bad. Coming from the AA background it’s very different, alcohol was categorically bad for me, cut it out, no ambiguity. Healthy sex is actually really healthy and beneficial, I have forgotten that.

 

[Qwertyxyz]

2 weeks clean

I think I have felt so much shame around just being a guy, i don’t think it’s appropriate but you just feel so shamed by negative stereotypes. I am understanding i have always felt ashamed of being sexual, and that is a toxic belief. Sexuality can be really healthy and good.

 

[Qwertyxyz]

Doing ok.
Go home from work soon. In the last 6 months or so I’ve been clean about 40% of the time, that’s good but not great. I really want to help my brain reset. I’m really trying to keep in nervous system, it’s had a hard life and gets tense easily, that type of self care is key to recovery I think.

 

[Qwertyxyz]

looking forward to getting home and having more time and energy to clear things up. I have some good runs at work but I have more time to catch lay with at home. Feeling optimistic

 

[Qwertyxyz]

Home now, totally wiped out from work. I used a bit in that last week so I need a detox, actually feeling like I can. Do good to be at home relaxing

 

[Qwertyxyz]

Clean today and doing ok, I’m up and down but feel so much better about what healthy sexuality looks like for me, I’ve face a lot of my past this year, it’s been good.

 

[Qwertyxyz]

4 days clean.

It has ultimately been a good year. It’s not like I’m abstinent but everything is better mentally I think and my compulsions are much more controlled.
Internally my life has been harsh and severe and I have been desperate for comfort, as I improve internally my control improves.
I am re-evaluating my circles and feel much progress. I feel a different person to that I was a year ago.

 

[Qwertyxyz]

I’m trying to keep my anxiety and tension at bay, I am much better when I can do this. But being autistic and challenged it is hard to do the best thing sometimes

 

[Qwertyxyz]

9 days clean.
I feel pretty good, today I’m tired after a poor sleep due to coffee, sugar and adrenaline.

I have been writing poetry about my shitty childhood which has really been powerful, it’s great to get it out of me and on to paper.

 

[Qwertyxyz]

Day 10 clean
Work is taking it out of me right now, but I’m doing ok. I can’t wait for Xmas to be done, it’s exhausting. I have been writing heap of poetry lately and it has really helped me to crave less and feel better. So much to heal.

 

[aymen]

Keep going brother,

 

[Qwertyxyz]

Been a bit tempted lately in the morning but I’m still clean. I’m reading attached right now and it’s interesting, I’m a avoidant type, I protect myself and don’t let anyone else in, it has it’s drawbacks.
I wonder if I’ll ever get into a relationship, there are people who like me but I am just so damaged and I would rather no relationship than a bad one.

 

[aymen]

The same idea had been joggling in my brain, I had a lot of relationship losses, no stable relationship, over years, I've developed the same thinking that I will not fit in any relationship.
But this is due to PMA, closing the door and rejecting constantly anyone to watch with you, or stay with you at the same root, I believe that has a huge factors in this idea.

 

[Qwertyxyz]

Day 12 clean.
Doing alright, grateful to be clean and feeling ok. Not sure how I’ll go but things are ok. Keeping is simple.